Re: Moving past the WAW to a stronger me Pt. 3

[Davide]

Arsh,

The plan was for me to move BACK into the home August 5th. At BD I moved out because I felt the situation was toxic for me and I needed distance. It wasn't feasible for W to move out because she worked from home. Thus, the arrangement whereby I moved out and stayed out for 2 months until the summer, then I traveled for 2 months, and then I was to come back to the house. That gave W plenty of time to find her own place and make arrangements, and she could do all that, and the packing and the like, without me being around to suffer through it.

So, as of 4 days ago I am back in the house.

Yeah, my plan is to keep interactions to a minimum. We need to coordinate about the dog and a little bit of financial stuff, but that is it, and that can be done over email.

Thanks for chiming in! I know how busy you are and how tough your situation is. I have been following it closely and I wish you all the best as well.

[Davide]

Joseph,

Agreed. I don't want to put myself in an uncomfortable situation, and with BD just 4 months back it is still raw. During the 2 months before my trip but after BD I actually saw OM a good bit as he worked on my bike and came out to a number of social functions (obviously not with W).

My plan is to search for jobs so that I can leave the city (if I get a good offer) by next summer. D can't happen until April, but I imagine that will be relatively easy and uncomplicated. Getting a clean start in a new city as a single man sounds more appealing to me than trying to rebuild here.

[hongaku]

You're really lucky you don't have kids. It's a hugely complicating factor for me. My family means everything to me and the likelihood of it breaking apart is equally as emotionally devastating as the woman I've loved for 20 years wanting to end our love relationship.

Does your STBXW really need to see the dog? Will you be taking the dog with you if you move to a new city? I would personally go completely dark other than the necessary financial stuff, and keeping those exchanges as mechanical and businesslike as possible.

I'm sorry you had to suffer through her crocodile tears and the always insipid "hope we can friends" BS. You really handled the meeting with her well though, given the way things are. You're going to be alright and you've definitely done a lot of important growing from what I can tell.

[Davide]

Thanks Hongaku.

I completely understand what you mean when you talk about tearing a family apart as well as a relationship. I'm sure that is a completely different level of pain. Honestly, I think it is possible for a person in a relationship without kids to rationally decide that the relationship is not right for them anymore. It [censored], but it can be rational. However, tearing a family apart seems much harder if not impossible to justify outside of cases of abuse. I don't think my W is irrational nor particularly disingenuous. She decided that she was better off not in the relationship. That [censored] for me, but it doesn't make her irrational. Personally, I thought that our relationship was salvageable with some hard work, but she didn't.

In terms of the dog, I feel like that it would be cruel and controlling to deny her visitation. She is not a child, not even close, but she is beloved by both of us. Also, if my W wanted to force the issue the house is still in both of our names and she has a key, so she could just visit whenever she knows I'm out (she wouldn't do that, but I think it would be within her rights.) I don't know if I will take the dog if/when I move. It really depends on the situation. She is a bigger 50lb dog with a lot of energy so I wouldn't want to coop her up in a small apartment.

Hot yoga just helped my mood a lot and I have a group bike ride in 1.5 hours, so today is a good GAL day!

[Maika]

I just wanted to chime in and say that you handled the meet with her really well. I know it's no easy feat. I think your idea of building something anew in a new city sounds really refreshing. We all deserve a fresh start and some of us can make it by moving locations or just change up things drastically in the place we're at. Good luck and keep us posted.

[Davide]

Thanks Maika.

I always appreciate your input and validation. It means a lot coming from you.

I am in a great situation financially with my house here, but a fresh start is quite appealing. Thankfully, I have 8-9 months to search for an ideal situation. I think that time will also be helpful for rebuilding my self-esteem and zest for life. Wherever I end up, even if it is still in the same city or house, I want to be confident in beginning a new stage of my life.

[LoneWlf]

Hi D, Just got caught up on your sitch. I think you doing a great job . Just want to drop by and offer you my support. I too am struggling with intense emotions. I hope things get better soon! Keep positive!

[Davide]

Hey folks,

Just checking back in. There's really nothing much to report in my situation. I am continuing to see my IC, to bike everywhere, to climb, to do yoga, to meditate. I am still reading the Little Book of Letting Go, and trying to practice some of the releases in there. Over the weekend I did a lot of work in the yard, trying to make it escape-proof for my pup who had been burrowing under one of the fences and sawing up a small tree that had fallen over. That is a 180 for me as I did very little around the house. Just watering the house plants and taking care of the garden, and maintaining the house relatively clean (difficult with a dog who sheds all the time) is a change for me. I've also bought a bed for the 2nd bedroom, a new couch cover, and am trying to (cheaply) redecorate the house a bit.

This weekend was tough as I really had no one to talk with or do anything with. I ended up walking the dog up to a dog bar on Friday night and going out to dinner and a movie by myself on Saturday night just to get out of the house. It was a bit lonesome. Thankfully on Sunday I got to go climbing and then out to a meetup group to speak Italian, and then out for a group bike ride. Yesterday I met with a group of friends for a regular Monday night dinner which was really great. I had to overcome at least some fear to show up as nearly everyone in that group not only knows my sitch, but also knows that W is dating this other guy. That said, I'm really glad I did it and it felt good to connect socially. Today is my first full-day back at work, although students aren't in for a little while.

There has been little interaction with the W. She came by Sunday and Monday evening to take the dog out and spend time with her, which was perfect because I was out, and because it guaranteed that I wouldn't run into her at dinner (it's a group of common friends). She emailed me to ask for some tax documents and complimented me on the fence I put up. I was all business in response. I also think that I unwittingly discovered where she is living as I passed by an apartment on my bike which had our moped parked outside. I was wondering but now I kind of wish that I didn't know. Thankfully I don't have to pass by there very often. I've definitely had more feelings of resentment and anger bubble to the surface since I found out about her dating, especially since she has known the OM for over a year. I want to acknowledge the feelings and the thoughts behind it, but let it go and not let it spiral.

Overall I feel like I am doing pretty well. The final frontier for me is getting back to a normal sleeping pattern. I'm still too reliant on the help of NyQuil and the like to fall asleep and that is leaving me quite groggy in the mornings, especially as I am transitioning into getting up each day at 5:30. That said, I need the sleep one way or another and if that is the only way I can get it, I'm gonna do what I have to do.

Thanks to everyone for the support!

[Davide]

It's been a while since I wrote in my own thread, mainly because there hasn't been much to report. I am continuing to do my own thing - commuting by bike, yoga, rock climbing, meditation, seeing an in person IC as well as an on-line one. I also just started teaching classes again which is a fun challenge but stressful in its own right. Keeping busy has generally not been a problem, especially during the week. At times I struggle to find time to keep up the house, water the vegetable garden that belonged to the W, walk the dog and get her enough exercise, prep my meals, etc... On the weekends I have the opposite problem as I really don't have much to do, or people to hang out with. I make an effort to go out to eat even if it by myself, and take in a movie, but Saturdays in particular are when the feelings of loneliness are most acute. I realize that establishing a stronger social network is key, I think it will just take some time.

On Tuesday I met up with a divorced/separated meet-up group. It was an interesting experience as there were only a half dozen people and almost all of them had at least 2-3 decades on me, a couple of them had been married for 49 years! It was quite an experience to hear their stories and perspectives in person as opposed to reading them on here. Ultimately, I was hoping to meet people a bit closer to my own age to fill out my social network, so it was disappointing on that front.

The W comes by twice a week to walk the dog and I leave whatever mail comes for her on the table, but I am out GALing whenever she comes by (on purpose.) The other day she sent me an email going over some small bills that we share and how we are going to handle them. She also talked about how she felt uncomfortable and not sure how to interact with me when she saw me at the gym the previous Friday night, and asking me how I would like to handle those encounters. That was quite the surprise to me, because while I was at the gym, I didn't notice her there! I simply told her that I didn't see her but that my plan was to head to the gym most Friday nights. The implication being, if she wants to go anyway that's her right, but I am not adjusting my schedule.

In general my mood and attitude has been positive. However, when I do think about the sitch my emotions tend much more towards anger and resentment rather than sadness, longing or anything else. I never thought I had committed myself to someone with so little loyalty or patience. Love is a choice and an action, and I chose to love her through her depression and rough times. She chose to run away. I understand this is yet another stage of grief, but it is more pleasant than some of the other stages. Again, this isn't overwhelming anger or rage - it is just thoughts/emotions that bubble up in random moments that I try to listen to and hold lightly without letting myself get caught up in them.

One thing that I have been struggling with and would like to hear more from this board about is dating. I have felt an urge to date in recent weeks and have an online account with a service, but I haven't written/spoken with anyone, nor followed through at all. I think the urge to date comes from a few sources - the desire to move on, the desire to fill in the gaps of my social network, the desire to not waste any more of my time as I am getting up there in age if I want to start a family, and probably more. On the other side of the ledger I do worry about whether I have given myself enough time to grieve, whether I am in a strong enough position emotionally and mentally, whether I am ready to be open to a new relationship and give it a fair shot. I'm not so much worried about the effect it would have on the W, since I have no expectations or hope (and a dwindling to scant desire) for any type of R. In the past, before my MR I did a lot of dating and actually enjoyed it a good deal even though it rarely led to any long-term Rs, and I think I would enjoy the social element of it. Especially at my age, in the city I live in it seems like that is one of the better ways to meet new people. Doing the bar scene is simply not appealing.

I'd love to hear feedback and take my share of 2x4s for this.

[SteveLW]

Davide great progress.

On dating, you need to be sure of your motivation and where the need is coming from. Most LBSs feel the need to deate to be validated, and have their self-esteem soothed. Terrible reasons to date. Dating is about finding a mate. So until you are ready to move on from your sitch, MR, and W dating would be inappropriate.

Lots of LBSs are dishonest with themselves about the dating issue. No I just need to move on, and this will help. Etc. The truth is sometimes we are addicted to the feeling of being wanted and needed. And then there are those who insist they have to have their "sexual" needs met. All a bunch of hogwash based on feelings and wants, not needs and science.

So start dating when you are truly ready to move on with your life, and not until.