You have received so much great advice here that I don't have too much more to add.
Having distance and time away from the WAS is sooo good for detachment. Trust me, you will learn to cherish it, even if it s@cks right now. It sounds like you are crazy busy (a good thing) with work and being a single parent, but try to carve out time for yourself on the days that you don't have the kids. Proactively plan activities that will get you out of the house and with other people, plan to meet with friends, or do meetups, or whatever it is, but find social outlets. For me, it is also helpful to carve out time to sit by myself and meditate, or take a walk around the neighborhood in the early morning when no one is out. Really trying to find that stillness of mind and focus on the present moment and letting go of the stresses, worries, concerns about everyday life as well as our sitches.
Best of luck in everything. You are in my thoughts and I know that you will come through this stronger than ever.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Neffer, I appreciate your response, it takes a strong person to be supporting the LBWs like me based on your own personal experience. I know all sitches are different but I want to learn from you as much as possible, there are such few LBWs on these forums compared to LBHs. What really made you see the 'light in the storm' in your sitch, was it the changes in your W or did the new life lose the charm after a while? What did your W do or she could have done to make the home coming smoother for you? To make you see the light sooner?
Ovr, I am not sure if its anger, hurt, disgust, disappointment or just a mixed bag but I just dont feel like looking at his face anymore. I wont lose my patience that I know, after 7 months of this if anything I have mastered the art of STFU.
So, after his personal trips WH has restarted the D proceedings. When I heard back from the mediator, I was very upset. It saddenned me more than I would have imagined but I did pick myself up sooner. A broken heart cannot mend that easily i guess and this is betrayal of the highest degree. He is relentless and at this point I know he will have the D done. I feel I did my best post BD, I was patient, cordial as much as I could and tried my best to not add fuel to his raging fires but nothing seems to work. My children will have a broken home after all. I am concentrating my efforts on facing the business aspect of the D head on, no point living in denial anymore. He is not going to have an epiphany in the next few months and in his madness he will see the D through. I have started thinking of all the ways he has hurt me, ill treated and disrespected me and our MR, failed our kids and proven how unworthy he is of us right now.
So, after his personal trips WH has restarted the D proceedings. When I heard back from the mediator, I was very upset. It saddenned me more than I would have imagined but I did pick myself up sooner. A broken heart cannot mend that easily i guess and this is betrayal of the highest degree.
I know how you feel.... after a few weeks of nothing happening, she'd say or do something that would rip the scab off, and the hurt would start all over again. All I can say is that with time and distance, it won't hurt quite so much, but your last sentence is right on the money..... "I have started thinking of all the ways he has hurt me, ill treated and disrespected me and our MR, failed our kids and proven how unworthy he is of us right now." Keep remembering that, and it will get better.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
So, after his personal trips WH has restarted the D proceedings. When I heard back from the mediator, I was very upset. It saddenned me more than I would have imagined but I did pick myself up sooner. A broken heart cannot mend that easily i guess and this is betrayal of the highest degree.
I know how you feel.... after a few weeks of nothing happening, she'd say or do something that would rip the scab off, and the hurt would start all over again. All I can say is that with time and distance, it won't hurt quite so much, but your last sentence is right on the money..... "I have started thinking of all the ways he has hurt me, ill treated and disrespected me and our MR, failed our kids and proven how unworthy he is of us right now." Keep remembering that, and it will get better.
This also shows you have a lot of detachment work to do as well.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks Jim Steve , I appreciate you calling me out on this. I work better when I have 2x4s handed out to me, directs me how I should move forward. I still have to work leaps and bounds on detachment, I have started being more proactive with GAL when I don’t have kids with me. I still have a twinge of hope in my heart that he may not see the D through and this is preventing me from complete detachment. I am actively working on thought stopping, I am trying to concentrate on all the wrongs and injustice meted out not to feel victimized but to fuel the anger in me to move further away. I wish I didn’t have to see him at all but the children exchanges happen few times a week. I am taking small steps though, I removed all the pictures we had up on the walls, put them in a box, labeled it Island 1 and put it away. (Bluwave, I read pig pen’s post on Sara’s thread, it helped) I keep telling myself my H is dead and it is time to move forward with my life. Hope I actually do with these tools
What really made you see the 'light in the storm' in your sitch, was it the changes in your W or did the new life lose the charm after a while? What did your W do or she could have done to make the home coming smoother for you? To make you see the light sooner?
My w and I were disconnected from the M. We were raising our S in turns. I remember sending my w a text: someone that is not happy can not make anybody else happy...W was submersed in job related problems and I felt abandoned. And this was one of my root problems, but I didn´t knew then. Go read my sitch and you´ll find some more facts.
I met ow at work. We became friends and she started pushing for more year and a half later. And I didn´t knew how to say no...of course it´s not an excuse: I failed miserably. I started a two years on-off affair. I knew it was wrong, I tried to stop it so many times... but couldn´t.
My W was oblivious to all of what was happening. But she started pushing to get the M back. And I felt that. And eventhough my heart was telling me ow was the love of my life and all you can imagine about unicorn valleys, deep inside I knew what was wrong and what was right. I was not going to abandone my S and my W. I needed to protect them...Craziness, right? Typical MLC? All together with past unresolved items. All written in my sitch...That feelings made me start my inner voyage despite all my fears. I´m still into it.
Ow made all she could do to burn bridges of my M, but my W stood there. She protected my S. I left home twice. She went on with her life with S, and after few weeks she let me come home. We went to MC, I went to IC (still going). I unfolded some hidden truths...My W was always there to push me forward. It was hard for her, really hard. It was hard for S too. And here we are some years after...still healing wounds but walking the family road.
So now arsh, go to Sandi´s 37 rules posted by Cadet:
Hi Arsh, everything happened so fast and suddenly for you. It takes time to absorb everything and to adjust. I still believe your husband won't come back until he tries out his new life for at least a year. I could be wrong but let him get divorced and take his personal trips (I know you're not stopping him). Perhaps he's visiting another woman - I remember you saying you don't want to think about that but the good news is affairs end, and new dating relationships that start when someone is still married or recently divorced are so driven by emotions and they're likely to fail. Let him try everything and fail. Then let's see who will be knocking on your door. I think you'll be feeling much much better when you get to that point. I just feel so sorry for your daughters and for you when they're not with you though. It's just not fair. I still don't think I could do it. You're much stronger than I am.
Thanks Nef and Nic. WH has not seen or even called Ds for a few days now, if it is not his time then he doesnt even call them and D3 has been missing him so much while he is again away on his personal trip. I have been tormenting myself of where he is and who he is with, I know it is not good for me but I have failed to let it not affect me. I texted him to arrange child exchanges and he is telling me he wants to swap days since he is not in town. He wants this arrangement for 2 weeks, I wanted to call him and scream my thoughts out but I havent responded yet. Pros of agreeing, D3 would love to spend time with WH, she will be disappointed if she has to go without seeing him for longer and I can use those couple of hours to get my life in order. Con of it is I am letting him dictate things again and probably being a doormat. What is the advice when it comes to custody arrangement changes like this? I have allowed it once before already since he had just moved out and said he is missing kids. Should I be flexible when it comes to child arrangements especially knowing its because of his personal trips? Will that be cake eating? Or should I just say if he misses his day there are no swaps, he just has to wait for his turn next? Amidst all this the D process is moving forward.
Been following your story for a while and impressed with your courage.
I think it is time to face that he is not going to be the poster child for great parenting. I know your heart aches for your young children, but I do think it is a blessing to be younger. None of us have recollections of being three. As she ages, the life she sees will be the life she knows.
You can't force someone to parent. Mine was a somewhat involved and supportive dad and now has not seen one child in a year and has seen the other twice very briefly. My guess is that yours will also see them less and less as he gets pulled into his shiny new life, and then maybe after a time, not at all until he works through his issues. After two years, mine does seem to be making a microscopic effort to up his game with the kids.
He wanted to push this. He wanted to force you into this. Don't keep helping him out. Don't push him to take the kids when he is supposed to. If he doesn't, more time for you. Be the stable parent for the kids. Having one makes all the difference.
If you start making concessions on the timing this early when he hasn't planned in advance for a change, you will spend the next 18 years chasing him to see the kids and letting him pop in whenever he wants. Trust me, that is hard on the kids. Mine are older and they say they would rather see him regularly or not at all. They hate that they see him only when it is convenient for him.
Hold firm to your agreement. Don't ask him to be a parent. Let him find his own level.
You won't nice him back. He won't respect you for being pliable, he will just take advantage of you until you don't allow it anymore and then he will build you up as the bad guy anyway.
More detachment. More letting go. Less communication. Let him tell you in advance when he needs a change and if it works for you, say yes only because it worked for you.
We all ache for our kids, but a three year old is going to get over this quickly.
