He is not religious. Neither am i though. Although i lean more towards buddism type of philosphies. I dont think i have narcissistic traits and i have 2 wonderful and selfless family members that are atheists.
It is hard to end this. He offers me stability and a chance at a family. But i am finding i dont like a lot of his traits. I am feeling like its an obligation to hang out with him as opposed to looking forward to it. I dont want to bring him places because i think he will act badly. I have been depressed (although my 2nd job is adding to the stress) i dont feel attractive (he never insults me in this regard) but i have just been feeling like this.
As a result. I am not being a good partner to him either, so i dont know what he is seeing in continuing things with me. I asked him if he was happy with me, and he said yes. I dont underatand how. Maybe its true that men like woment hat are not truly available? He didnt ask me that question back.
He does present as if he is the ultimate authority. All of the guys i have been with are like that.
I cant remember exactly how its phrased but I've heard many of the problems people face in relationships are unreasonable, people just think the other will change or they can change them. The things argued over in the beginning of a relationship are still there 50 years later. What changes, and matters to long term success, is how the couple communicates through those issues. This is who he is, hes not going to change because you want him to. It doesn't mean hes wrong or this quality is all bad, its just not the right match for you and that's ok.
You've already said you hold things and it effects your treatment of him later, this is resentment building already. "As a result. I am not being a good partner to him either". Is this what you want for the future? His banter is his banter, again, don't expect it to change. You have two choices here. Change yourself and accept all the qualities you don't like in him or part ways. The other options only lead to pain.
Yes, we sometimes have too high expectations about other people in a relationship that may be unrealistic. Yes, in relationships we add to the problems with our own issues and I think holding things in and punishing him later is something you could look into yourself. BUT, fundamentally you realize this isn't the right fit. I know stability and family is important and something you want, I get it and I wish you the best in finding it. Just don't ignore the other important things while you search for it.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
my therapist says that people that don't believe in God think they ARE God in a manner of speaking).
What a bizarre thing for a therapist to say. I'm an atheist or agnostic at best and do not think I am god in any manner of speaking. In fact, I know a lot of people that share my thoughts and they do not fit that description at all. Weird.
It wasn't meant literally. The idea is simple. People that don't believe in God end up becoming their own authority and try to lead themselves through their own life. People that believe in God try to understand God's will so they can follow His lead. It's kind of like step 1 of any 12 step program, admitting you are powerless. Believers admit they are powerless to control their life.
I am not extremely religious and question the literal existence of God. But this orientation has helped me. It started when XW left me. I finally got to the point where I gave up trying to be in control because it hadn't worked. Instead I tried hard to understand what God would have me do. Somehow I gained 50% custody of my children and have found myself being a strong parent and better person. It's shifted my focus from 'It's about me getting what I want and I know how to do it' to 'It's about me doing my part to serve those I have been blessed with responsibility for such as my children and company and customers, I don't know how to do that but will do my best to be open to guidance'.
This is how I interpret those words and this is how it's helped me. It's not all encompassing as there are plenty of wise atheists and selfish Christians. In general, though, I do think that there is a trend towards overconfidence in our society, and pride comes before a fall.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
So fogg, yes. I cant change him. This is his personality.
I know couples, i even have aquaintances that communicate via banter and cursing and joking. And I do ask myself, "am i being sensitive? Is it me? Was he out of line or am i just being hyper critical?"
Its like, i dont know what norms are in people.
I see the issues people have in meetimg someone that wants a relationship, that wants to settle down. It is not easy. I found soneone that lives close to me, has tons of time for me, is willing to be a stepdad and capable of loving someone elses child, is responsible and stable, is loyal and honest and has no addictions.
But there is something off. I dont know if he is just being human, or if those examples i gave indicate a seriously unhealthy dynamic. Or if i am just looking for stuff cause i have issues. It has not felt good the past few times we were together. We werent socializing well. No fights. I just felt detached and distanced.
You know why? because he did exactly what you asked him not to do. You communicated about how those comments hurt you. And he did it anyways, In front of your friends. He was inconsiderate of your expressed feelings, and I don't know how someone like that could make a good future partner. If stability and commitment are all you need, that's one thing. But commitment means more than not leaving. Is he committed to being your true partner? Is he committed to taking your feelings in to account? Or is he just committed to being there?
Well i talked to him about the argumentativeness. He said that he didnt realize that things that he views as being so small, i am viewing as big things. He said next time he will try o think twice. He also apologized for the cursing. He said he realized it when my son started laughing. We also said that it cant get to a point where he feels like he is walking on egg shells either. I am just gonna take things slow right now. I have been working so much and have been so stressed cause of the 2nd job. I feel like i have a lot of issues too.
Just so you guys understand the mix...i have a little bit of that yogaish, vegetarian, (with underlying neurosis) type of personality. He has more of that mechanic filterless personality.
So ex asked me to switch son for his birthday...meaning he does not want son on his birthday weekend cause he will be away that weekend.
I don't know why that still hurts so much. I am pretty positive its not a work thing. He does not see son all that much to switch. I would want to spend my birthday with my son. Nothing would be more important. Of course I wonder if its a romantic weekend and that still bothers me. Not because I don't realize what a POS he is. Just that he would choose something like that over his only son. Also, its not fair that he is enjoying his life so much. It still bothers me after all this time.
My friend and I were talking about how he feels nothing.From his perspective, this divorce was a great thing. No responsibility. Easier lifestyle. No guilt or remorse. And is there really a right or wrong when it is just a matter of perception. I understand her point.
I reminded her of an acquaintance we had that got drunk at someone's house and threw up in the bath room and did not say a thing. Acted like all was fine the next morning. Meanwhile the host had to clean it up. I told her my ex is like someone that threw up all over the place and left others to clean it up. And that I would never want to have that type of perception. To think that is OK,
We know intelligence does not mean happiness. I asked her if she would rather be slow and happy or smart and prone to depression. I don't know why, but I would never want to be slow and happy. (maybe i am not truly very bright after all). But its something about wanting the more authentic reality I guess. Even though it makes no sense. My ex lives in a great world because of a similar emotional or moral slowness perhaps.
My best friend, who has a great relationship with her husband was telling me this story about how her husband spilled something on himself got annoyed and unfairly blamed it on her. She said she just couldnt stop laughing at the spill factor. She said he was annoyed for a bit. And that he gets like that. Angry over stupid things. And she usually just laughs. (My friend is like that. She laughs at everyone and everything. And her and i have laughed over my situation and my divorce for a few years now)
I told her how if that was NG, i would have been ready to break up and would have immediatly ran to discuss the incident on my forums.
So i am not sure with relationships....is it my perceptive?. My own proclivity to negativity and unhappiness and fault finding that will keep me like that article author?
Or is the negativity there to serve as a internal warning system. There to protect me and my son? I know someone that was prescribed meds for post partum anxiety. She said she actually left her baby alone in a play area. And when her husband saw that, they realized those meds were not good to take. Once again, im not aure what the reality is.
