I wouldn't waste my time trying to negotiate a settlement with him. As you know, I have waited eons for a separation contract that is never going to come. I accept that. I didn't ever update with this, but he did eventually file. I think this was being forced by the OW and my goading him simultaneously created the perfect storm where that was the path of least resistance. I thought surely we will move along now at a good clip and get this done. But I forgot who I was dealing with.
I now believe it doesn't matter who files. They will do what they are going to do. Yours, like mine, doesn't want an end to the drama. If he did he wouldn't behave this way. Mine never sent any counter-proposal on the separation contract, filed the barest petition you've ever seen in your life (I still have no idea what his position is on anything), and even played games over service of process that backfired in the worst possible way. We are now many months in and not one single thing has happened (hasn't seen one of the children in over a year and has barely seen the other). We still don't even have a case schedule (takes a year to get a trial date where I am so we are a year out from whenever he finally pays the $20 fee that is holding us up). He also hired a complete bozo for an attorney that will ensure that nothing ever happens. (Oh yeah, and I'm still getting his dating profiles in my email from my fake profile and even though I think he knows its my profile, he keeps messaging it, but I just ignore it).
Were I you, I would strategize the quickest and most expedient line from where you are to conclusion that does not require any participation from him. If you haven't had a forensic accounting and served subpoenas on the financial institutions themselves, you really should do that. If you rely on what he turns over, you will never get the truth. You can burn a lot of cash in settlement negotiations and writing drafts that never get signed. Do some reading on trying to negotiate with a narcissist or other cluster B and you will see that it is really a pointless endeavor.
I'm sorry that you are going through this. I always thought ours were a lot alike. Frankly I've felt loads better since he filed (the court here automatically enters a restraining order so he can't mess with the money anymore). Although this is still a flavor of limbo, at least it is one that I am very familiar with.
Thanks DNJ, Westo, Job, Gerda Roist and Gordie. Much appreciated.
Last week I emailed ex about something to do with kids. I received a quintessential non sequitur MLC response back. He told me he's been trying to save me from myself since January (which is when he moved out and filed), that he has no idea what I am doing (he's still VERY upset that I have my own lawyer), that I ruined the friendship between us and then he told me I'll have a lot of explaining to do to the kids someday. He is very upset over legal fees. And yes, it's pricey--mostly because he's unreasonable. But he filed and then refused to be reasonable/follow basic processes.
I didn't answer.
I saw him at s 13's orientation and felt so comfortable being in the same orbit; more so that I have in years. All that he wrote to me in that crazy letter is fading at long last. I felt an old confidence returning. One of the things he'd told me is that I had let myself become middle aged and I was too intelligent?!?! I walked by him and really understood that it's him, his issues, his hang ups, his misery. It felt good to be so distant from it all.
I am still playing tennis and I just picked up pickle ball; quite fun! I am having a love affair with life.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
It is truly liberating to accept you are not the problem.
Enjoy that love affair. Best wishes.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
You are reminding me I better get out there and yes have a love affair with life
That put a real smile on my face
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Sorry to hear about your charming ex dragging out your divorce... but I’m so glad you can be in his orbit and not get sucked into his negative vortex! Yep... all him.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Just checking in HaWho - hope all is going well for you and the boys.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hope things are going well for you. Would love to hear how things are with you since your last post
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
