Clean Slate Pt. 1 (Advice on my Scenario Pt. 23)

[OrangeK]

I did a lot of work on my perspective.

The exchanges i had with EX this weekend were calm and communicative.
I was able to establish the date of the hair appointment.
We talked (not in detail) about S3's progress with potty.
My answers were short but polite. "Yes, thanks" and so on.
EXWife still seems to be putting some extra "niceness" on things, but i wont question that. Even if insincere, its far preferable to the alternative.

Here are some thoughts i had.

NPD people mirror others, thereby i have extended the period of animosity by "poking the bear". If i am confrontational, she will she be.
The more i take the high road, the more often she will attempt to join me there.

What happened to me, was inevitable. She has done it to every relationship, both romantic and platonic.
I am just glad she did it in less than 5 years than waiting 15 or 20, as it would have happened regardless.

One big thing i noticed is the difference between advice i get here, and advice i get from family/friends IRL that actually know EXWIFE.
Here i get a lot more "Benefit of the doubt" type advice, whereas most of my close relations IRL give much more "Aggressive" advice, as they have seen how she is in real life, as well as how much she has done to others in the past.
That has been a difficult duality to work with.

She is really starting to feel like a ghost to me. A myth.
I tried earlier to formulate a picture of her in my head, and i cant really do it anymore.
I avoid photos and videos so i havent truly looked at her face in ages, it is fading from my memory, obviously not permanently, but the details are fading.

[Vanilla]

No benefit of the doubt advice from V. This WW tried to have you locked up and separate you from your son.

So nah and meh are what you get from me.

V

[OrangeK]

Thanks V. I knew you would have something to that effect to say.

I think its endearing that some folks cant wrap their head around true emotional abuse.
I wouldnt wish the horrid feelings on my worst enemy.

Although i have let go of the acidic hatred i have been feeling for months, "becoming amicable" with EX is not letting my guard down.

Honorable Skeptical Vigilance is my current Plan of Action.

[Maika]

Good to see life is turning a new leaf for you. I would say that never let your guard down in a healthy way for yourself - as in be as neutral as possible and have a healthy mindset of skepticism, but not let it go over into paranoia or becoming neurotic.

I am not sure if I got the give your W 'benefit of the doubt' advice kinda vibe here. I think what most people were suggesting is that instead of going straight to the negative reasons why she might say or do something, just stay neutral and take it at face value. Not saying she's turned around for the positive either - that takes consistent action over time and you'll know it if it actually happens.

I'd say that staying neutral is probably the best way to be about it - don't assign it a good or bad meaning. It will help you keep your sanity.

[OrangeK]

Good to see life is turning a new leaf for you. I would say that never let your guard down in a healthy way for yourself - as in be as neutral as possible and have a healthy mindset of skepticism, but not let it go over into paranoia or becoming neurotic.

Paranoia is where i was living. Didnt do any good.

I am not sure if I got the give your W 'benefit of the doubt' advice kinda vibe here. I think what most people were suggesting is that instead of going straight to the negative reasons why she might say or do something, just stay neutral and take it at face value.

Ok that's fair. Only issue i have with that is I said several times, in several different ways she is a compulsive liar, its a damn shame, but i cannot take anything she says at face value.
Unfortunately due to her choices, lies and manipulations, she will need to work for YEARS to rid herself of the "Guilty until proven innocent" label in my head.
On the other side of that coin, I also need to not have a knee jerk reaction to everything she says and read 1000 pages too deep into it. Just respond if needed, dont if not, and move on with my day.

Not saying she's turned around for the positive either - that takes consistent action over time and you'll know it if it actually happens.

Not holding my breath. She will keep up the "BubblyNice Lady" act for as long as she feels it suits her, if she percieves any insult (real or imagined) it will be back to business as usual, silence and scorn.
Self-Reflection and changing for the better are not part of her SOP's. It's an intrinsic trait of NPD. Nothing is ever their fault, and no guilt, or remorse will ever exist. Anyone doing anything that doesnt directly improve their life is scum.

I'd say that staying neutral is probably the best way to be about it - don't assign it a good or bad meaning. It will help you keep your sanity.

I just try to think of her as a poorly functioning Android/Replicant at this point.
desperately trying to replicate Human thoughts and emotions and failing at it, awkwardly.
She is pre-programmed by her disorder to act and think the way she does, at the end of the day its sad and pitiable, and really not entirely her fault.

I am reminded of a line from one of my Sons favorite books, A detective, and the King that hired him are looking for The Kings Lost Elephant, and were following a trail of tear drops, only to find out they were crocodile tears and they are on the wrong path.
They come across the crocodile, who almost eats them as they followed the path of tears almost right into the crocodiles mouth, but the detective puts his umbrella in the crocodiles mouth and pushes The Crocodile into the river,
The Crocodile says: "I am So Sorry!" *and a big tear rolled out of the crocodiles eye*
The King says: "Look, he is crying, that means he is Sorry"
Big Max replies: "A crocodiles tears can fool you, he is not crying because he feels bad, he is crying because he did not get to eat us for dinner"
"DONT REMIND ME!!!" said the Crocodile, and he cried some more.

[OrangeK]

Still dealing with surpressing random bouts of anger.

S3 was giving me a hard time this morning and I took it out wrongfuly on SIL.
I feel like an a$$ about that.

Its tough to cope with not feeling like i know myself.
I dont entirely like the person I seem to have become a lot of the time since BD / affair exposure.

Ive always had to keep my temper in check, but it was never this hard.
In the past I may have lost my cool once a year, if that. It was a very rare thing.
Now it seems to be Monthly or even Bi-Weekly.

The worst part is the aftermath, I just react. Then i feel like a bag of crap afterwards (<-- Guilt, so no, Fogg, im not narcissistic, trust me I dove into the DSM-5 definitions of Cluster B Personality Disorders not only to find out what EXWIFE's issue is, but to look inward and see if I perhaps displayed too many traits as well. We all show aspects of "Healthy Narcissism" as some Ego is key to self confidence. I addressed these concerns with my IC as well, and she confirmed with me that what I am likely experiencing is CPTSD symptoms, not Bi-Polar or Narcissistic Traits. As the blame shifting and trauma bonding will commonly cause the victim of abuse to think THEY are the ones with a mental issue. Look up some of the symptoms of CPTSD. It explains this "Im the problem" syndrome, as it is cultivated deliberately by the Abuser through Gaslighting and is a common symptom of CPTSD victims of emotionally abusive relationships to think they are in fact the ones with mental issues)

Today in general seems to be permeated with negative vibes, i have noticed everyone in my office is very quiet and reserved today. S3 was uncharacteristically temperamental this morning (he is usually delightful in the morning)

I just want to go back to Camp. This past weekend was so liberating and healing.

Oh well, on with my day. They cant all be Zingers as they say.

Game Night tonight, and my friend who hosts game night just got some crap news about his sisters Cancer diagnosis, so that puts the severity of my situation WAYYY on the back burner, Gonna go be there for a friend in need.
Another friend from the same group has been dealing with his Fiance's MS diagnosis, so there are plenty of reminders in life to show things cold a a phuk ton worse for me than they are.

Im so grateful i have a group of mutually minded friends, where we can gather, put the trials and pain of real life on hold, have a few beers and get lost for a few hours in Fantasyland.

I have a good, solid tribe of truly caring and strong people at my back.
More than i can say for EXwife.

[OrangeK]

"Although you may spend your life killing, you will not exhaust all your foes. But if you quell your own anger, your real enemy will be slain." ~Nagarjuna, India, alive around 200 CE.

[OrangeK]

Been getting back into doing some research into how to heal better.

Another great video by Richard Grannon - "Exploring PTSD cures : calm the monkey, still the lizard and free the human"

really helped to listen to on my drive to work today.

[OrangeK]

What have you all found to be your preferred method for truly feeling at peace?

Some seem to prefer meditation, and others find peace being busy.
I am still toying with which activities help best to keep the mind clear.

What new hobbies or crafts have you all picked up in your post BD days?

[Davide]

Like everything else I think it is important to strike a balance.

Physical exertion or exercise is number one for me. Biking to and from work is a great way to work it in for me.
Yoga is a bit of the combination of the two. Again, very important for me.
Listening to podcasts is a great distraction.
Being social and around friends is great.
Going out to the movies and losing myself in the theater experience.


That said, I think meditation is crucial. Sitting in silence with myself, my emotions, my feelings, my thoughts - letting them pass without gripping onto them. Being in the moment and enjoying a walk with my dog can be meditative, as can an easy bike ride w/o music or distractions.