your H is such a turd. I think your are right to assume the worst. You can still have hope, just don't go making plan like it will ever get better just b/c you want it to.
The qualities you have will be desired by good men who are true and honest. I promise you that. Being physical attractive is great, but it's nothing without the kind heart and caring soul within. You have that in spades. You will be OK, no matter what happens.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Hey Nicole, you are a bright, clever girl. You have been raising your D on your own, giving her all the love she can get. Be proud of that! You are not plan B and you know that. It may take some time for your feet to get the walking out pace but you know it´s happening. You can resist or you can start easing your mind...
Sending you energy to help you ease your mind now... ;-)
(((N)))
Another one that makes me go to the microscope. I´m tired of myself...
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Hi Nic, I feel so bad for your daughter right now -my heart breaks. I get so angry at these WAS for breaking up the family unit only looking out for their own happiness-I wish that they could feel the pain anguish they put others thru. Know I still pray for you and your family. Blessings!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Nicole, keep doing what you're doing, and take care of your D and yourself. You seemed to think things were looking like he wanted to reconcile, but then he met another woman and got temporary work. You can't control whether H comes back, but it looks like he probably isn't. I think, like me, you are still remembering mostly the good times, and not the bad qualities and it makes it hard for you to move on. When I start pining, I've tried to consciously remember the disrespect, and bad times, and I think it's helping.
Also, it seems to me that you are thinking too much about your future, and trying to make plans and decisions where none are possible. What I mean is, for example, this guy you are working with who seems interested..... you are making all sorts of excuses why it won't work ("he's too young", "he'll want kids", ....). Just enjoy his attention, take some chances and see where it goes. Not just with him, but with other men, and life in general.
This kind of ties in to you imposing a lot of limitations on yourself. You are questioning this, and I think that's a good thing.
I don't really know what I'm trying to say, but stop being so hard on yourself, and thinking you have to have it all planned out.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Thanks everyone. I appreciate your encouragement. My husband is now out with our daughter for an hour before he goes to the airport.
Ovrrnbw, I believe you but I don't know how to meet those kind of men being 40 with a child. I have to learn to deal with the feeling of being alone better. I still think my husband might come back someday but not right now. There are clearly too many advantages with our current arrangement where he doesn't have to have any responsibilities and can have as much fun as he wants. I guess it's just like your wife having your financial support and keeping you on standby while she dates that other guy.
Neffer, thanks. I don't want to be Plan B but my struggle is that none of the options sound good. I'm trying hard for my daughter to make-up for the deficit but nothing can fix what my husband has done. I don't know how to ease my mind. I'm trying everything from the DB book, allowing time to pass, keeping things open-ended in case my husband wants to turn himself around....nothing really helps though on days like yesterday when I see my child suffering. It's so unfair. I really was a good wife and I'm not that bad looking and our daughter is just beautiful. I've worked really really hard to overcome my faults and weaknesses in the past year. I can't believe my daughter and I are worth nothing. What does this make you think about yourself and your own situation?
LoneWlf, thanks so much. I know you understand based on everything I read on your thread. I'll pray for your family too. I get frustrated with a God who allows this to happen to children but there's a lot beyond our comprehension.
Jim, you're right and I'm thinking too much in general. I'm trying to get past the limitations I created and to be more positive but there are setbacks like this. Things are still better now than before, especially with my husband being nice again, but I see so many people move on quickly after their spouse leaves and I don't know how that happens. Like they date a few people, find one they like, and they're in a relationship again. I guess something is wrong with me for not seeing that as possible in my case but again I'll try to be more positive, think less, and take more risks.
Nic- I met my H at 40yr old as a single parent. Do not feel you are cut out from the dating pool!!!!
Yes, you are out of practice when it comes to dating so once you do put yourself out there it will feel awkward and wierd. Don't think you will find Prince Charming the first time out of the gate... :-) Look at each new date for a potential great story and put yourself out and go on a date even if you don't think you would ever find yourself looking twice at them. (My H is someone I would have never pursued... good thing I was left with an extra concert ticket and not a single one of my friends could go out that night... LOL)
But, you are not quite ready to date... but you are thinking about the possibility and that's great.
You are enough for your D. Overtime your D will learn what to expect from her dad/and not to expect. She will learn which parent she needs to count on for what things.
As I said before.... Your H knows you are waiting... he needs to see that his time is limited. You start getting a life and going out he will notice.
Hi KitCat, that's good to know you were successful with finding someone again at 40!
There's probably no way I'd ever go on dates with random guys that I meet online and I don't go to bars (more limitations that I create but these are two things I don't think I can change), but if I meet someone at work or at a social event and there's a true connection I'd meet them one-on-one. There have only been six guys in my whole life I would have considered so I guess I'm just a total outlier and dating isn't for me but I'm not shy if I do like someone. I think all five except for my husband I approached and asked for their names, numbers, etc.. That's why it's so hard to imagine how I'll ever meet someone again but it'll have to happen instantaneously, in-person, and by chance.
I hope I can be enough for my daughter. I'm giving her all that I can. I just wish so badly to give her a better dad. It's good to know you can relate and you made it past this stage with your own kids.
I'm not good at recognizing a lot of things so if you read this could you kindly clarify how you know my H knows I'm waiting? I just don't know what else I can do because even if I started partying and acting wild he wouldn't know because he's far far away. I'll try the flowers and lingerie thing that KML mentioned next time he's here - making him see some signs that I've got stuff happening even though I don't. I do like the guy I met through work last week though. If only he were older I'd definitely consider him. I wish I could meet someone just like that who'd be a better fit. Then I'd probably see divorce in a more positive light whereas right now it's like the end-of-the-world. That's why I'm trying to challenge myself to stop thinking that I'll be alone, there's no one else other than my husband, etc... but I just have to keep trying to think more openly I guess.
Hi N, why are you always pushing me to think? It´s so easy to give advice to others...(thank you for asking...)
I remember lying on OW´s bed and thinking what am I doing here...this is not my place...who´s gonna take care of my W and S...we had a project of growing together and aging together...I had to relearn to fall asleep...
I knew then that my search for freedom was aiming for the wrong road. I was doing selfish acts and living on the OW´s unicorn valleys. Everybody on the game was moving the chess pieces. I had to stand aside and mend my mind. So here I am...
We all have our inner road. Some people have it paved and lighted. Some of us have to wield a machete to clear the way through. Facing our fears to know ourselves just to move forward in a healthy way...not an easy thing to do for many of us.
I think love should be the common denominator in all our movements. To love ourselves so we can love others.
So keep walking your road N. Take your time, no anxieties. GAL. Enjoy your D. She is walking with you.
Back to the microscope...
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
I hear you. We are the same age, even if we are in different sitchs, and one of my triggering thoughts is that I am going to go through life alone, never find anyone else. I think it is important to face that fear head-on, to sit with it, to examine it. Why does that scare me? Ultimately doesn't it come from a sense that I am not enough, that I can't validate myself and need external validation. It also has to do with taking responsibility for my own life and my own happiness, for taking the steps and putting in place the practices that make my life fulfilling. That's why this time alone, this "limbo" time, is so important. It gives me a chance to do that work on myself and conquer that fear.
In terms of dating you seem to be putting up lots of barriers (no bars, no internet, a great guy but too young). Is that because you aren't ready? Or are they really core values that you don't want to compromise because they reflect who you really are? There are millions of single men out there, some of whom are actually good guys but opening up yourself to the experience and putting yourself out there is necessary.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Neffer, I'm glad you chose to come back to your wife and child. It must have been hard living between those two worlds, not being able to fully enjoy one or the other. It must be even harder when it goes on for an extended time and you build attachments to the OW but still have those attachments to your wife. It seems you've been through a lot but going back to your family really is a wise choice for so many reasons but I'm sure you still have a lot on your mind.
Davide, it's based on core values and just lack of interest in casual dating. I think I need to go to a therapist for these issues. It's good that you see your alone time as an opportunity to conquer your fears. I hope we all end up in a better place sooner than later!
