Well the project with the guy I wrote about ended. He called yesterday just as I was getting ready to submit our paper and said he was going out but I could call him on WhatsApp if I needed anything. He said he hopes to talk again soon. I doubt we'll be in touch though until we work together again or are in each other's countries.
My husband also called yesterday to say he's coming again this week for two days.
Otherwise now it's on to a normal weekend with my daughter and friends. I will write more on other people's threads hopefully tonight or tomorrow night!
Arsh, I got the distinct feeling this would not be a friend but something more, but it's probably all in my head. There's something about the enthusiasm this guy had for calling me late at night (his time in Europe) that was just different. Anyway by tomorrow I'll probably forget about it and it doesn't really matter except it's such a foreign experience to think that any other man would be interested.
Let me let you in on a little secret. All guys that are "friends" with a woman, are enthusiastic for more. Unless they are gay of course. But short of that, he is just waiting and hoping that it will eventually turn into more.
This is true, I don't care what anyone says to the contrary.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
been a while - after catching up on your sitch I agree with everyone that this guy is interested. My suggestion would be if it happens to materialize into anything - take on the friendship first then if it blossoms into something more proceed with caution . Hope you are well.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Ovrrnbw and LoneWlf, thanks for your responses. It's helpful to hear your recommendations and to understand how men think.
On Friday the project with that guy ended as I wrote and by Saturday I kind of forgot about him per say, although the brief encounter did affect me in many ways.
I'll quickly say however that yesterday morning he did e-mail me about something related to work. It was a legitimate work issue but he cut out everyone else and the issue was more relevant to the president of my company. I don't know if that means anything, but we continue to be in touch, e-mailing back-and-forth. It seems we'll work together more because today his colleague e-mailed us to say he'll (the colleague not the guy I wrote about) be in our city in two weeks and would like to meet to discuss more partnerships.
I don't think anything will happen with this guy though because I think I found his facebook profile and he's likely 5 - 7 years younger than I am. He's single with no kids and even if I get divorced I still have a kid. That would not be a practical situation because I'm not having any more kids and he'll probably want some. There's a difference between what's practical and what is just fun at the moment. If I were to ever get in another relationship it would have to be both practical and there would have be that deeper connection.
Communicating with this guy did bring back many memories from my time in his native country going back 20 years. I felt a lot of sadness the past few days about getting so old and choosing a more conservative path in life. I can see how some of these walkaway spouses want to have fun and be free again although I'd never actually do what they've done. It's just hard when you remember having such a great time when you were so young and now being so old with kids and responsibilities.
A few months ago I found some handwritten letters from a French guy I met when I was studying in Europe. He and I wrote many long letters to one another but we never were in a relationship or made plans to meet again. He always signed them "the French Lover" which was pretty funny. Anyway I found those letters and looked him up on Facebook. He was easy to identify so I scanned and sent him the letters. He was so happy to read them. It was right before people started using e-mail. We really enjoyed remembering that time in our lives. He's married now with kids and invited my daughter and I to visit him and his family in the French country side. I'll definitely go when I'm in the area.
I don't want to bore everyone but perhaps some of you can relate. Especially if you went overseas when you were young and everything was so vibrant and exciting. I've since traveled so much that nothing is really too new anymore.
Anyway I've been trying to challenge myself with the belief I've had that there is no man in this world I could love other than my husband (and one guy who's not available and not an option). That's really how I've felt and probably one of the reasons why it feels like so much is at stake. Especially now turning 40 it's so depressing feeling like I wouldn't be anyone's first choice due to my age. It just seems like everyone man wants a woman in her 20's or early 30's. I'm sure there are men here who will say otherwise but it's still hard adapting to this new reality.
I thought initially that if my husband leaves and after ten years perhaps I'll try to find someone else from his culture but Middle Eastern men are a big risk for Western women. There are so many happy couples from their culture when they marry within their own culture but less examples of them marrying Westerners and staying together. I'm so integrated into that culture so it's hard to imagine a different life but when I met this European guy last week I felt surprised to feel such excitement for someone from that part of the world.
The point is for anyone that's reading is I guess I've constructed a lot of limitations around my belief system and I have a too narrow vision. I'm trying to re-think some of these beliefs although it's not easy to change them. Could I find a guy from that particular European country someday and be happy? Might the fact that men from that part of the world treat women as equals be a refreshing change? I don't know, but I'm trying to envision it. I wonder if anyone else here has successfully changed their own beliefs or assumptions as a result of their spouse leaving?
Another realization is that I have no plans to date or try to meet anyone new, but if it happens unexpectedly I could see myself falling out-of-love with my husband and moving on. In other words, right now I don't think I could want anyone else, or be a good partner to anyone else, because I'm still married and waiting to see how things turn out. Even then if I get divorced I may still feel no one can replace my husband. But this European guy is just so great aside from his age that I feel like I should be more open and honest about meeting new men without automatically writing them off. It's like a mental battle.
My mind flips the other direction and I feel like I can't change the conservative part of me and my religious beliefs to accommodate a liberal European guy who has no problem with sleeping together, moving in together, and being partners without marriage.
That's how it's been the past few days. These continuous thoughts are hard to stop. It's hard to live in-the-moment when the present is so unsettled and unclear. My husband is flying into our city again tonight for a job interview tomorrow and then he'll come to visit our daughter. I can say though that work is going well. I encourage everyone to pursue their dream career if they're not already in it. At least if your marriage fails you can pursue a different type of passion.
I just quickly skimmed what I wrote above and realize how many edits would be needed for it to make any sense! I wrote it super fast and sent it because I need to finish some other work but the basic point was how I'm trying to change my assumptions about finding a new partner in the future and wondering who else can relate. Sorry for the poorly written message!
I'm glad you're at least open to the idea of change. If your H doesn't come back, you have a lot to offer a new man. And YES, it's nice to be with a man that considers you an equal!!!!!!! It should ALWAYS be that way and it's a CORRUPTION of your religion if you're not being treated that way, because the Koran actually granted women property rights at a time when that was very progressive, didn't it?
The subjugation of women is contrary to the very essence of religion and spirituality. It's a perversion of religion when it is used to justify such treatment of women, or to justify war or slavery etc.
Thanks KML. I'm still struggling to believe I have a lot to offer. I do in many ways but don't in others. It's hard to get past the rejection from my husband that I wasn't good enough because I wasn't 10 years younger and an exact Victoria's Secret model replicate. It makes me think that's what every guy wants and anything else wouldn't be their first choice, but I hope that's wrong in some way and there are men who are less superficial who I would find attractive too.
You know I never would have guessed that my husband wouldn't treat me like an equal because he did for over seven years. In many ways I was more powerful because I was the primary income earner and he came to my native country where he was at a disadvantage. But when we had our daughter suddenly everything related to children was a woman's job, men are free to do what they want, and a double standard emerged. I'm sure I'd be happy to meet someone who doesn't have that double standard. It seems less about Islam and more about culture, but Islam can be twisted in many ways to legitimize bad behaviors. Yes Islam granted women many rights although there are also many parts of the Quran that are hard for a Western woman to accept. The response I normally get is "it's the translation that's bad" but that's not it. For example a man being allowed to beat his wife lightly - is a woman allowed to do that to her husband? The Quran outlines a fairly clear set of rules for men and women that are different but that's a whole other conversation. Since my husband declared himself an Atheist it's more just bad culture and him choosing to be a bad person.
I sat with neighbors from a country next to my husband's country the other night. They're younger and married with a daughter the same age as mine. They said what's happening with my husband isn't uncommon. They've seen it with a few of their friends. They said they themselves almost divorced five or six times because the husband cheated (and I liked when his wife said that he looked at me, smiled, and raised his eyebrows). We didn't get to talk long enough for me to ask what ended up happening with the other men they saw like my husband but I look forward to asking sometime soon.
Hi everyone, I apologize for the long rambling message yesterday. I'm still struggling with a lot of thoughts about how I'd move on without my husband. I wasn't looking for any particular response aside from wondering if anyone else wonders those things but today I would appreciate a response on today's events.
My husband came to town for a job interview today. Afterwards he drove to our place for a brief visit before going to stay with his family. Our daughter was playing with him in the other room when she asked if he could come back to live with us. He said "I'm trying to find a job to be closer to you." So in other words, no, he's not coming back.
On Saturday night my daughter didn't want to talk when my husband called and when I dialed him back a while later for her to talk to him, he was clearly out and didn't want to talk. He sounded annoyed and said he'd call the next day. That made me think he was probably on a date.
Then today his phone rang and he put it on speaker phone and it was a woman. He said he's visiting <said our daughter's name> and he'll call back after he leaves in ten minutes. He spoke in English so that makes me think there's a new woman or perhaps the same one from January.
Then as my husband was getting ready to leave he did the thing that I really hate - he started trying to talk and ask questions. He was asking about my job, our trip next week across-the-country, and other stuff. He said he may not come back for a few weeks now because he found some temporary work in his area (or because he met another woman probably). I couldn't look at him or act happy or carefree. I responded with simple words like "sure" and "great" but that's the best I could do.
Then after my husband left my daughter started crying. She said she misses her father so much. I called him for her to talk to him as he drives to his family's house. He said he'll stop by again tomorrow on his way to the airport. Then he called back three more times to talk to our daughter but I really don't know how he can think that's sufficient.
I think my husband was considering reconciling but likely met another woman in the past few weeks. This, along with him losing his job and still not really 'waking up' makes me think there's little hope.
I just feel so sad. Our poor innocent daughter was saying to her father " you have to come back and live with us. You have the same eyes as me. You have the same skin as me. We both have the same hair." He didn't say anything to reassure her. Then even when she was crying he didn't think to turn around and come back to see her longer.
I feel terrible to bring a beautiful child into this world with a father who doesn't care about them. I wish more than anything to give her what seemingly every other kid has - a family with a mom and dad living together. There are so few examples of other types of families around us.
I wish there was something more I could do to increase the chance of fixing things with my husband but I don't see any hope. He was so great before because he loved me. When he stopped loving me he stopped caring even 1%. Now other women get all his love and attention while my daughter and I struggle to rebuild our lives alone. I wish I could have more hope of meeting a great new guy to get a second chance.
