My little daughters 3 - last 2 weeks of family

[LoneWlf]

Arshi,
I hope this post finds you well- thanks for checking up on me in my thread. It seems that you are facing the hardships of separation head on. I cannot imagine how hard it must be on you that your WH wants to split up your beautiful girls. I hope this is only for a very short period - I hope things will soon settle down for you to a manageable state. Continue to stay strong- stay positive and know I continue to pray for you and your family. Blessings.

[arsh18]

Nicole and LW, thanks for the support.
Jim, he does have kids for 2 days a week. and yes I rather him not have them at all but practically I need at least a day to cook, clean, do groceries and get myself ready for the upcoming week since I do work a hectic full time job.
I dont know how to give updates anymore. There is such a dull pulsating pain in me throughout the day. It is mainly because I miss my children when they are with him. It has been about 10 days since he left, it feels like he has been gone way longer actually come to think of it he emotionally was. Good riddance physically now.
Only communication has been texts about children exchanges. It is very hard to manage kids on my own but the worst is the 2 days that they are not with me.
He picked them up on Sunday and I was fuming when he came, hardly spoke. He came back inside after I shut the door to pick up something and saw me crying my eyes out. I just gave a quick reply and walked away. I miss my children sooooo much when they are not with me. I know it is good for my sanity and survival to get a little time off, for self care and sustenance really but the mother in me misses her babies. I really need to GAL and plan the 2 days well to have a better grip on myself and not just do TV marathons.
I have started to wonder if I hate him now, especially because he is snatching my children away from me. I dont feel any love, there is feeling of loss and a heck lot of anger. I wish he did move away to the other coast like he plans and never ever comes back so I dont have to see his face again. My kids will have a great mother and some stability instead of this confusing daddy's home today nonsense. I have come to realize he is a pathetic father, just being a biological father shouldnt grant you anything, you should have to earn it. He broke their home and sees them part time, in what world is he a good dad? I feel guilty though, not because I broke the MR, that's on WH. But how could I love and have children with this irresponsible man child? My daughters deserve so much better and I got them this wayward runaway filth of a father? I do not have any respect for a man who can be cruel to separate 2 babies from their mother, that too a nursing infant. My GOT marathon makes me feel I married Joffrey. Had he murdered me in my sleep that would have been kinder in so many ways. I seem to have gone from this depressed, scared person to a sad, bitter, angry creature.
No word on the mediation paperwork though, he has moved out since then so he has not had a change of heart. I think the financial obligation got him thinking his next move which would benefit him the most. At this point I just dont care, it would be a relief if he just disappeared. All I need is my daughters.

[NicoleR]

Arsh, I can only say that I'd feel exactly the same as you do. I still don't understand why your daughters have to sleep at his place. Why can't he bring them back at the end of the day? I know he has the right to partial custody but they're so young. Why can't he agree to do what's best for them? Forcing them to sleep in a strange house without their mom is cruel even if he's their father. It seems everyone has to adapt to his preferences which isn't fair. Anyway you already know all that. Currently I'm ok with being friendly with my husband because we're not yet divorced but if we divorce I believe I'll feel the same as you - bitter and angry. I can totally see how you went from depressed to angry. If there's anything you can do to make this situation work more in your daughter's favor before the divorce is final it'd be worth pursuing unless you've already done so.

[Maika]

Hey! How are things? Just checking in. Haven't seen you post in a few days and hope things are okay.

[arsh18]

Thanks for checking in Maika. Sorry all, I have not been posting on your own sitches, just gets too painful sometimes.
I have been reading on a lot of other older threads trying to learn, to understand and to make any sense of this madness. Mostly been single parenting and the days that I do not have my babies I am depressed. People around me dont know the storm inside me, they probably figure there is trouble in paradise but would never imagine WH could turn this way. Physical separation is good for me in a way, nobody to talk me down to pull me onto their whirlwind of emotions. But D3 is struggling, she misses her daddy, she does not understand why there is another house for him and why she has to go there some days. She goes for him though, if I say I miss her, she tells me maybe we can all be together. I have set up work and custody arrangements in a way that I at least see them once everyday, to just get my own fill. WH and I see each other a few times a week, for child exchanges and have limited text messages about child care. Absolutely no other talks. He seems to be enjoying his new life, away, not answerable. He is even taking personal trips, I have no idea to where, never in the 10 years of MR has he done this. I trouble my mind wondering if it is a job interview or actually staying over with someone but I know either way I have no control. He has chosen this path. I have not asked him about his trips or anything about his life, it is not a part of mine anymore and I have decided LRT is my path. I need my space, time to try and heal, to plan for a future without him. I cannot look him in the eyes anymore even during child exchanges, I dont know what I feel more now hurt or anger. I cannot think of any reason to want him back for myself, after pondering endlessly I have 2 very compelling strong reasons to not give up on the MR though, it is my 2 daughters. So if I am standing still, enduring and not telling him what I really feel, it is just for my children. All I wanted is a simple life, a happy family for my kids, a loving spouse to grow old with. My dreams have been shattered by the person I thought was my soul mate.
One day at a time, I need to get through this. I thank god I have my daughters, I have a purpose for my life.
The mediator was supposed to send the document for review over a month ago, he has put it on hold, no idea what he is thinking, but physical separation is as good as D at this point.
Any advice on how to go from here? Is it to just live and let him leave/live?

[Jim1234]

I don't have any advice, but wanted to offer encouragement. You will get through this! It's horrible, it stinks, but you will be strong and take care of yourself and your children!

[LoneWlf]

Physical separation is good for me in a way, nobody to talk me down to pull me onto their whirlwind of emotions. But D3 is struggling, she misses her daddy, she does not understand why there is another house for him and why she has to go there some days.

Arshi - Use this time alone to build something great from within. WH is not around to bring you down so instead try to use this time to bring you up. Try and GAL - do things that make your heart dance. Make it a time where you become the best you for your self and for your daughters. If it is anger or resentment you have use it to fuel you to become someone better- stronger more balanced. In regards to your D3- I feel your pain. As you know, I too wish I could take away the pain from my S. It breaks my heart to no end. Best we can do is to provide a positive stable environment for our kids so they can grow and thrive. Blessings!

[neffer]

You are the lighthouse arsh. Just keep the light shining. Try to transform all that negative energy that you are getting into a positive one. It’s for your own sake. Just move forward, one step then the other. I know it’s hard but you need to do it. You need to have a healthy state of mind. Be proud of who you are and what you are doing.

I was a WH some time ago. Your WH has a variety of roads to choose. It’s hard there too. He should face the inner demons that make him do what he’s doing. It’s up to him and there’s nothing you can do about except keep DBing.

Be strong arsh. Keep shining

(((arsh)))

[ballast]

Arsh I completely relate to much of what you say. My D wishes many times at bed for us to be a family. it is FAR easier to accept the loss of the W/H than it is the loss of the family to D. it is the single most unacceptable part of this life chapter to me. for us who wish to try and keep the family together, it is unfathomable how our W/H can simply walk away. as I've said before it's another way that the WAS pushing the LBS along the road to detachment and strength. problem is that WAS is the only one who can restore that which we most treasure restoring for our Ds, the intact family. such a conflict in us as LBS on that reality.

The personal trips...yep W has taken those. stay completely clueless on all of that. none of the answers to any of ours question are worth knowing. heck give up on even having the questions!

"All I wanted is a simple life, a happy family for my kids, a loving spouse to grow old with. My dreams have been shattered"

AMEN to that Arsh! That is all that so many of us wanted and yet here we are, we didn't choose this life, we can't change this life so all that we can do is make the most of the blessings that we have and go on. Couple of days ago upon waking up my D and bringing her downstairs, in my arms she said "I love sleeping in my big bed". No matter the swirl of all of the big stuff happening in my life, that small thing will NEVER leave me and it's those small things that are the absolute best parts of life. Prayers to you and your D's! You are not alone.

-B

[ovrrnbw]

Arsh,

you say you can't look him in the eyes anymore. Is that because you're just too hurt or angry and you know you'll lose it if you do? If so, I know how you feel. I am the same way.

I think where you are going with everything is the right thing to do, plan your life without him. Move on. It sounds like your H doesn't know what in the hell he wants. Maybe he figures it out, maybe not.