Am I coming or going?

[Fogg]

He is not too self aware. He is trying to replace his marriage and his last R.

I don't know how in a blink of an eye it went from everything being great to going to immediate sh!t. It really stinks.

G, read back what you wrote. Did it go from being great to immediate sh!t? He didn't change at that moment, hes still not self aware, hes still trying to replace his marriage and last R. From the beginning I thought he was trying to rush into things with you. You mentioned it wasn't getting too serious or emotional too fast, but to me the holding and sleeping together would have been MORE emotions than just sex. I might be emotionally avoid-ant now but from my past, just like Zeus mentioned, jumping to fast into a R has only caused me problems so its something I'm super guarded against happening again. I don't know if this guy can lead to anything or if hes really in a healthy place for a R, that your call to make as you know it better. Just take some time and really consider if its just the idea of being in a R that appeals to you and you might be overlooking his issues to get there. Hugs regardless

[DonH]

Just take some time and really consider if its just the idea of being in a R that appeals to you and you might be overlooking his issues to get there.

Yes - Yes - Yes. This is great advice!!!!!!

I want to try to take a 30,000 foot view of this from above. Let's focus on the fact that this was all in TWO WEEKS - TWO LITTLE WEEKS. If someone were to read this and not know the time frame they would swear it was at least six months. I don't want to get too raw here but is this two people coming together that both are trying to get something way too soon? We all keep saying it - like a broken record (KML) yet the all in fast insta-relationship speed keeps happening.

Then there is the whole thing of what happened Friday night (still trying to stay at 30,000 feet). I swear this is a Men are from Mars Women Are From Venus thing. I don't know the context or tone of what he said but it nearly sounds to me like a glass half empty thing. Maybe I'm not self-aware either (given what happened to me Friday night as well - read my thread) but to me it nearly sounds like he was saying he's 90% sure of you at only two weeks. Ya know, if someone said that to me, I'd run out of the room as well - but for a totally different reason. I'd be freaked that someone could feel 90% sure about me and our future after only two weeks!!!!!! What did you want him to say Ginger, that he was 100% certain? Would that not be a HUGE HUGE HUGE red flag? Should it not be?

I hate to say it but am going to admit I could be Band Guy (and not only because I am a band guy) but I could see myself doing the same thing in the moment, not at all meaning it the way it came out in the moment. Perhaps that's what I did in my sitch and I still don't know it??? Now I'm not saying I'd say I was 90% sure - I'm saying I could say something stupid without thinking and not even know it.

Back on the ground, we can't get in his head but I often try to put myself in the other guys shoes. I really wonder if he's out perusing other women, it's not because he was "only" at 90% with you, it's the over-the-top reaction from you. Is he thinking he can't deal with that stuff? Is he thinking you rejected him? That's what I'm thinking in my sitch. It's not the issue, it's the reaction. But again, the reaction came because things moved way, way, way too fast too soon with you two.

I agree with Dawn and a few others that a face to face meeting is needed - that doesn't end up in bed if it goes well. If you two really want a solid future R you both have to get out of fantasy land and work at it. It takes a lot of time. Perhaps he's not the guy for you - but mostly because the two of you are moving too fast and it's a bad combination. As for him back online, I think that's just a way to feel better. He's looking to find SOMEONE - ANYONE - to feel better. Then again, is that what he's doing with you? It's almost like there are two problems here - one is going to fast and the blow up. That can be resolved if you want it to be. The second, is what then happens with any budding R - you have to take the time to get to know each other. In doing that you might find out that he's not the guy for you. But is that not the whole point of dating? You want to know if he's the "one" within 30 days. Newsflash - you can NEVER know if someone is the one within 30 days. I think you want to know he is the one, be certain of that, but then somehow still go slow. The two don't match.

Quickly, on your D and moving. I know D is in some ways all you have at this moment for close family but she is 10. She is your daughter, not your best friend. Buying her things, promising her a dog, etc. Not good and you know this. She will not be the first child that has to change schools this year. In fact she might be 1,785,498 to change schools this year. She will live. It will make her stronger. It's better done now than in high school. You have to make the best decision for you and for her - with your head - not with your heart for her. You are the mother, not her best friend. It will all be okay - and promising her a dog???????? LOL I hope you can back that one up. Get a dog if it's a good decision - not as a peace offering.

You are getting hit with a lot Ginger. Don't let it break you - which I know it won't. We are all here for you. Take some huge deep breaths, and take a step back. Band Guy is no different than Hatchet Man or Hot Chocolate or even Firefighter. You'll know it's the right guy when it comes naturally, slow and steady after many, many months.

[Ginger1]

I miss having a companion, yes. It felt great to talk to someone about my day to, to hang out with, to talk about life with. To ask how my day was and to wish me a great one. Again, that felt really good. And I liked him. He listens, he doesn't judge, he engages, he validates, he's funny, and geeky cute.

The 90% thing was him telling me there was something WRONG. He said it. something doesn't feel completely right. And in my head, yeah, my red flag is, 90% should be freakin' great at 2 weeks. How can you seriously ask for more than a woman you say is amazing, you are excited to be around, looked forward to seeing..... I mean, how much more could I possibly be at 2 weeks?! That's more than I could ask for in a guy for two weeks. SO that is on him and his issues. He wants love at first sight. I don't believe in it.

I am not capable of not becoming emotionally attached. I can't do it. If I like someone, I like them. HC, I wasn't emotionally attached to. I just didn't like the way I was being treated. It felt bad. But when I really do like someone and we connect, a part of me attaches. I can't change that. Whether I laid in bed with him or not. But to tell me at that time, is scarring. None if it really matters anyways, I think it is over and won't get that face to face meeting, and I am certainly not setting up.

As far as my daughter.... she's dealt with a a lot. A home and school switch is a big deal because it's not like she gets to move with Mommy and Daddy. I don't think there is anything wrong with promising her a dog. She did say to me "Mom, since it's only the two of us, and there are no boys in our house, we need a boy dog". She will adapt to whatever I need to do, but she does need ot feel like she has a little input on such a huge life change. Which is way more difficult for a kind in her sitch. but yes, ultimately, I make the final decision, and she knows it.

I am just beat down. Emotionally exhausted and I can barely function. I need some divine intervention. Or wine, and lots of it.

I guess I still move too fast. I can't get it right. I can figure out many things, but this one. I would give anything to have married a decent guy and not deal with this crap.

[DonH]

I guess I still move too fast. I can't get it right. I can figure out many things, but this one. I would give anything to have married a decent guy and not deal with this crap.

Now, this... ^^^^^^^^ I agree with 100%. I am right there with you. It's what has made me who I am, as avoidant as I am and until recently not really into dating or anyone. I have said to myself that if I am somehow ever lucky enough to find a high quality partner again that I will really value it based on what I've gone through the past dozen years (or more).

We and certainly I, do not want to beat you down more. That's not what this is about. In fact, the bigger picture can wait, it's band guy I'm more focused on as something in my gut tells me he is a good guy - perhaps with issues and baggage but EVERYONE seems to have issues and baggage at this age, so that is almost part of any picture at this point. IF and I do mean IF, he was saying to you "I don't feel 100% right now and I think I need to at two weeks so we need to end this" If that's what he really was saying, I agree, you probably just need to let it go. I just for the life of me don't think he was doing or saying that. I think he was just thinking out loud and blurted out his thought. Said another way it could be "I feel 90% there with this girl, I hope the other 10% comes in time." If that's true and I'm correct, I don't see it as him saying you are not enough. I think that hearing anything close to "you are not enough" was a huge hot button for you and it set you off. I don't think you heard anything he had to say after that - and perhaps are just protecting yourself now and not wanting to hear it. He tried to make it right, he begged you not to leave and even tried to hold you - yet...

If you are done because of what he said in the moment, I think you are making a poor decision, but it's totally your's to make. If you are done because you think he wants too much and really was saying you are not enough in two weeks, that's another story. I just know if it were me, I'd at least sit down with him and ask "What in the heck went on Friday night? Let's talk about this." He said he misses you, he said he's sorry for what happened. I think he's said he didn't mean it the way it came out. What else do you want him to do? You have not said much about what communication has happened in the last 24-hours. It would be really sad if both of you are waiting for the other to make a move. I'm not big on "closure" - I'm just not. But in this case, I'd be needing closure.

That's what I think. See what everyone else including your IC has to say.

[kml]

I'd disagree Don. She called, broke the ice, left the door open. If he's really interested he'll take the next step. If he doesn't it's a sure sign she should move on.

Again, I must repeat - Ginger, you keep focusing on how HE missed out on a great woman. When you SHOULD be focusing on the fact that HE isn't good enough for YOU.

[Ginger1]

Don, he did not try to stop me from leaving. He may have been holding me, but it was because he knew he hurt me. he was telling me he couldn't do this because I wasn't enough. he wasn't saying what you thought he was saying. I wish he was saying that, and I wish he sat down with me the next day and said that, because we all know I am an almost too patient woman with men's hesitations and issues. I told him I didn't expect him to be there in 2 weeks. He gave up because it wasn't there in 2 weeks. I really wish it was the scencario you had hoped it was. It isn't. I would give anything for that to be the scenario.

KML is right. I did break the ice, I apologized, I told him I wish it never ended and I told him I missed him. Our last words were Sunday night, I told him I missed him, he said he missed me, we said goodnight and wished eachother a good week.

And that was that. Nothing since. He was very active on POF and I am pretty sure he has moved on to the next (don't worry, I have deleted the whole app, so I don't check. I am not interested right now anyways) I read the text exchange we had the night it happened and yes, he was ending it. Because of that 10%.

I have nothing left to say to him. It's on him, it's clear he's moved on and he is not coming back. Do I wish he would? Yeah, I do. I wish he would apologize and tell me he made a mistake and wants to see where this can go.

KML, you are so right. That 10% is on HIM. He is missing out on a woman who cares, doesn't play games, who is a good mother, who is funny and smart. He dumped the total package. Idiot. And he isn't good enough for me. Someone who passes up what he says is so wonderful because he is still waiting for an instawife or the women who rejected him, well, I don't need a guy like.

One foot in front of the other. I am back to square one in many areas of my life, but, what other choice do I have?

[JujuB]

Ginger,

Why do you miss him? Why do you wish he would come back?

What did you really know about him at this point to warrant those types of emotions? Those are strong feelings to have for someone you dont really know.

I can understand feeling a little bad cause maybe you feel rejected. But that should be it. Amd not even, cause rejection isnt necessarily about you.

And i dont mean to crticize you or belittle your feelings. Because i know you feel things very deeply. You are a passionate person. But i think you need to wait to invest those feelings in soneone that prooves they are worthy (its what every one here is saying).

Date for fun like V. Says and see how it evolves before going all in emotion wise.

[TBSakaJ9]

G....I have a girl friend of mine that has been dating and single for years. She met a guy about a month ago, they have already taken a trip together, and have exchanged I love you’s. We chatted last night about it and I thought of you. She is 44, not getting any younger, tired of the game, and wants to find love. It is essentially the same thing for the girl I am currently talking to. I am just sharing because I don’t think you are alone and at the end of the day we all just want to be and find love. We want to find connections, be in relationships, and be with someone we enjoy. I never would have expected my friend to be this way as she is very independent and we talked about holding back, being objective, etc. She said she is tired of the games and is just going to go with her feelings and if she gets hurt she gets hurt.

Just thought I would share.

[Dawn70]

I find myself totally agreeing with Juju here. Why would you even want him to come back? I guess I'm contradicting myself here, but I was kind of assuming from your posts that Don's explanation was what he meant, but now that you have explained that wasn't what he was getting at, I say good riddance to bad rubbish. I think it was kml who said you need to flip the script (paraphrasing, of course) and stop thinking about what he's missing out on and realize that HE is not good enough for YOU. You deserve better....WAY better.

I really don't understand people. And, I'm sorry you are having this experience on top of everything else going on. Hang in there, lady. Oh and I agree with J9, too.....you are SO not alone in being tired of games and all the other stuff and just wanting to find something real and true. You'll get there.

[Ginger1]

Things felt like they were going so well up until this. I wish he would come back more level headed, but that's a wish and not a reality. I wish Don's explanation was true. But nope, he still has unresolved issues. So I know it is over and done. I guess I am still kind of trying to deal with the going from feeling good about this one moment to being dropped on my head the next. The emotional ups and downs lately have been screwing with me.

I do not want to date for fun. It's not fun for me. I don't want to have meaningless connections anymore.

I was barely married and have lived majority of my adult like unattached and alone. I never truly experienced partner.

I want what J9's friend said. I am done with games, I know what I want, I am sick of all these issues which prevent these men from being open to a possible R. I am so done with the BS and I am ready to do this.

Oh, did I say? when D10 came home, ex and OWW came in because they had to use the bathroom. D10 and OWW were wearing matching T shirts. Woman has had some balls. Come into my house like that. Ugh.

I am super cranky. My patients are all a train wreck. I just ate half a cookie because I am starving. My diet is crap. Nothing new on the market.

Wah wah wah wah.