Thanks, I get the feeling that W started going down a path she feels obliged to continue to follow due to the very active support of her parents. I had hoped there would be something I could say to help support her breaking away from it.
Nothing will piss your wife off more than telling her she isn't making her own decisions and is being controlled by her family.
I'm starting to make sense of what has happened... W and IL must have planned D about 6 months before she left. She was taking money, sleeping on the very edge of the bed, not doing anything to help at home, not making time for us as a couple, refused to acknowledge anything I did that was good, made a new secret friend who had dumped their husband and going through the same process etc.
W pretended to me that everything was fine (still sleeping together, looking to buy a new car and new home) so that I didn't suspect, and yet at times she was incredibly abusive towards me looking to create arguments to justify to herself what she was doing and to pretend it was all my fault. She must have been writing down everything and went to the police to try to get me into trouble so that she could get a quick D and custody of the kids. One of the things she complained to them about was that I had asked her for help with a spreadsheet, that is how desperate she was looking for anything to justify what she was doing.
W refuses to talk about R because it must have been over for her months before even leaving and probably didn't want me to realise what she has done.
D.....I was in limbo for 8 months and I have no regrets. My Xw ended up filing and I used that time to work on myself. Like G said it is your choice but if your not then I strongly suggest that emotionally you begin to move on as if the D has happened. If you don’t you will be miserable
I'm starting to make sense of what has happened... W and IL must have planned D about 6 months before she left. She was taking money, sleeping on the very edge of the bed, not doing anything to help at home, not making time for us as a couple, refused to acknowledge anything I did that was good, made a new secret friend who had dumped their husband and going through the same process etc.
W pretended to me that everything was fine (still sleeping together, looking to buy a new car and new home) so that I didn't suspect, and yet at times she was incredibly abusive towards me looking to create arguments to justify to herself what she was doing and to pretend it was all my fault. She must have been writing down everything and went to the police to try to get me into trouble so that she could get a quick D and custody of the kids. One of the things she complained to them about was that I had asked her for help with a spreadsheet, that is how desperate she was looking for anything to justify what she was doing.
W refuses to talk about R because it must have been over for her months before even leaving and probably didn't want me to realise what she has done.
Should I D her?
How does any of this HELP you?
To me, it feel like you are going around and around trying to find answers to questions that dont really matter anymore.
In my opinion, Divorce is just a piece of paper. Shes already moved out, the family is already broken....what difference does a piece of paper issued by the government REALLY make? If you need it for financial security or guaranteeing custody or something of the like, then sure, go ahead and file. All it really is is a business transaction anyway.
How can you focus on YOU and moving yourself forward? The GAL listed you posted feels very isolating to me. How can you work to expand your social network? How can you meet new people and try new things? Not to find dates, but to continue to build your confidence and to continue to find positive outlets to occupy your mind to keep from dwelling on the past.
Hi David, I just saw your request for me to look at your thread. I have a few questions. What are the ages of your children? What are the ages of you and W?
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Before leaving, W seemed to think that I had been controlling and insecure. I hadn't been at all, I had just wanted us to make some time together because we'd only had 1 night out in 6 months.
What were her reasons for not making time together?
You said you were involved in art & culture. Did you have a steady source of income, and was it higher wages than your W's salary......or was your W the sole provider for the family? While I wait on your answer, I will give my opinion about something I see happening in many M's today. Take it FWIW. I believe it is the nature of most women to be attracted to a man who out ranks her (in some way) to some degree. I also believe there are some women who are attracted to a man who she would feel was her equal. However, there are few who are attracted to a man to which she feels is inferior to her. It is a woman's nature to find a mate that is capable of protecting & providing for her and her offspring. What does this have to do with a SAHD? It's all in how she sees him. Now, some MR's may make it when the traditional roles are reversed, but I think they are few and far between. When the man doesn't work and he becomes the homemaker and raises the children...….the natural dynamics change and the woman loses admiration and attraction for him.
When reading your story, I got the impression that during the time you took care of the home and raising the kids, you kind of let your personal looks slide a bit. Well, it happens to SAHM's, too. So, good job at losing weight, getting a great hair cut, and buying new clothes.
Although you've not seen evidence of an A, I suspect your W is wayward. The wayward W doesn't have to be in an affair in order to classify her as wayward. It's just that most WW's eventually do get involved in some type of an A. She became wayward in her spirit/heart first. I also read where it was really difficult for you to accept the length or depth she has gone. From what I can tell, most LBH's are shocked by the change in their WW. I was a WW, and I'll be the first to tell you not to put anything past her. In other words, she is capable of doing a lot of things you would you have never dreamed possible of the girl you M. So, do not trust her! I'm telling you that you cannot afford to trust anything she says or does. I get that you want your family back. But she's not that girl you M. The sooner you can accept it, the better you will fight for your own rights and those of your children. Forget trying to make things work with her. You must get your focus off her and on to your future. (((hugs))) Life goes on, and you can be happy. Please, please do not give up on yourself. Maybe you had faults, but let me tell you something that significantly separates the wayward W from the others. Her coldhearted, selfish, deceitful agenda that is all about her. Not her kids, not her parents, or even an affair partner...…..but her.
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I get the feeling that W started going down a path she feels obliged to continue to follow due to the very active support of her parents. I had hoped there would be something I could say to help support her breaking away from it.
No, this is you trying to find some excuse for her actions. Nobody made her do anything she didn't want to do. She doesn't feel obligated to anyone. If she ever felt any obligation, it has fallen by the wayside. Listen to me, don't lie to yourself, David. Be true to yourself. I am so sorry you've experienced the bad side of people, but it doesn't have to claim your future happiness. As dark as it appears right now, life can be good again. You will start feeling better when you decide that your worth is not dependent on any relationship. You're hanging onto this M, b/c you see it defining who you are...…...but it doesn't. You've got to respect yourself! Nobody else will respect you, if you don't respect yourself. Learn to like yourself, and become your own best friend.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
If you need it for financial security or guaranteeing custody or something of the like, then sure, go ahead and file.
One week ago I was very worried about D papers being served to me. Today, I visited a legal person to make an appointment to see about the possibility of seeking a divorce for the reasons you state.
I received a text from W to say that she hopes I'm OK, an update of where she is with the kids and that she would text me again soon. I ignored it.
I then went to a cafe and a lady customer said she recognised me. She was a waitress at a restaurant I had been to with the kids last week. I asked to sit at her table and we talked for a quite a while.
I then bought some new clothes and had the most expensive hair cut that I've ever had. It is also the best hair cut that I've ever had. Wow the transformation from how I was a few months ago to now is amazing.
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How can you focus on YOU and moving yourself forward? The GAL listed you posted feels very isolating to me. How can you work to expand your social network? How can you meet new people and try new things? Not to find dates, but to continue to build your confidence and to continue to find positive outlets to occupy your mind to keep from dwelling on the past.
You are right. I've been a family man for years without much support and have lost nearly all social life outside of that circle. These past 3 months, I've not wanted to go out for long because I didn't want people to see me upset. W would never guess that I'm like that in private. However, today was a big step forwards for me. Last night I restarted a creative hobby that I'd stopped when W left because I hadn't felt like doing it, and I think that might become a way to increase my social circle in future.
H50, W45, kids under 10. When W & I met she was leaving school. I was independent and dynamic. I became a SAHD about 10 years ago but still earned some extra money and did some very cool things. In the last 2 years, W had wanted me to do more work but it was nigh impossible because I was doing so much childcare etc on my own. W started earning more but I was contributing nearly as much as I was using some money that I've saved (we had a lot in savings). We were not short of money at all but perceived status could well have been an issue. MIL for example is very much impressed with status. MIL may have preferred her daughter to have married someone with a higher status even if they were not a nice person. MIL has even said to me "I wouldn't have married you".
W always had a sense of entitlement to a big house etc. Ironically, we could now actually afford it due to a lot of savings but didn't spend it because we couldn't find the right house in the right location.
In the months before W left she made a few nasty comments (out of nowhere and like a wild animal) about me not working as much. I saw a really nasty side in those few moments that I'd never seen before. Sometimes I was working at home all night, grabbing a couple of hours sleep in the morning once she had woken. W would then make a fuss in front of the kids saying I was sleeping-in. I would say I'd slept 2 hours when she'd had 9 but it didn't seem to matter. It seemed she wanted the kids to think I was lazy and to give that impression to the IL.
W seemed to be jealous and resentful of me spending more time than her with the kids. They listened to me but W would have to ask them several times to do things. I would tell the kids to listen to their mum, whereas W would constantly undermine me in front of them.
I had let myself go putting on some weight but that really started before we were married when I started to do well at work.
I had been going through some depression due to the death of my F. Ironically, I was coming out of that at the start of the year, had started to lose weight and feel much better but it seems W had already started planning to leave.
W hadn't seen me in a suit with a briefcase for years and those are the types she works with. A couple of weeks before W left, I had a biz meeting, put on a suit for the first time in ages. That night I told W that I'd got my mojo back. After we split, wife shouted at me that she'd been planning to meet me for coffee that day after the meeting to finish with me and tell me in a public place. It was only by chance that I'd missed her call to meet.
My hair was quite unruly and she had preferred it when it was neater - which of course was when I used to wear a smart suit. As a surprise, I got a haircut back to how she wanted me to have it... but she left that very day so she didn't know until after she had left. Also that day, I sent flowers to her at work (which was a first). I hadn't known she was leaving me that day.
"What were her reasons for not making time together?"
W was working full-time plus studying for exams and we didn't have anyone to help with childcare. At weekends, W was very, very slow at getting ready to go out for the day. It was so bad that most of the day had gone before we'd leave home. If I was taking the kids into school, W would kiss them goodbye and not even think about doing the same to me.
A couple of months before W left, her parents were around for a week in their 2nd home but she spent those evenings with them. I realised to myself that she had chosen to be with them rather than me.
W also stopped giving me any credit for anything good. It was like she didn't want me to make her happy. W was incredibly abusive towards me, rewriting our history etc. I'd never seen her tantrums so bad - so much so that I packed some things to leave. W told me to stay - but I now know that she had already been planning to leave me when saying that.
When W is with me, her eyebrows look very tense, her pupils are tiny, she looks stressed, defensive, angry, guilty, like a wild animal about to go out of control... but she seems overly happy when I see her speaking to other people and is pretending she has more friends than she actually has. W lies to me constantly about things she doesn't even need to lie about. The lovely W I once knew isn't there.
I've just noticed that W has sent the same text message via normal phone text and Whatsapp. I ignored both.
Today I feel like I don't want to see W any more as the reality is hitting that she deceived me for a long time. I'm not feeling sorry for myself about it but I'm disappointed in her and feeling disappointed for the kids.
I was reassured a bit by L who said they could ask for finance records to go back further than the standard 12 months and it could look bad if W refused. Her scam to hide money could be pointless and go against her in a D. I'd be happy if all the deception behind my back had been for nothing.
Really pleased with my new haircut. That and the weight-loss and new clothes has given me a massive boost. I look better now than I did when I met W.
The past few months have been a roller-coaster but at this moment the high point is a bit higher and the low bits are shorter.
