Maika, just as we were supposed to move into our dream house last summer I ended up in a shabby apartment, displaced and back to where I was 20 years ago in college with barely any furniture overlooking a parking lot. I can totally relate to the dismay at moving back into an apartment but your plan sounds wise and hopefully it's temporary. Keep us posted on your developments!
I understand the feeling Maika. I had to do the same. It's been hard this summer with all the heat, no AC and balcony towards south. But there are definite upsides too. I dont have to plow the snow, no gardening, no grass cutting... Cheaper too. I think at some level I prefer apartments but I'd like to have a garage for projects.
It'll be a phase in your life and it really doesn't have to be that bad
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
Nef - I am proud to join the list of folks who have moved you to tears. I feel that you have such a fantastic level of empathy and that your journey has truly shaken you to the core and made you a better person. I've had my moments of heartfelt empathy for some folks here and it has made me grow so much more.
J - yeh, I had to figure out a better meaning for this rather than looking at the negative. And the positives are there for sure and it's not like I am deluding myself. The future is bring and I feel so much more centered now to go after everything. The injuries were a blessing in disguise and made me slow down and reflect on everything - which has lead to some astonishing insights and made the path forward for myself so much more clear.
Nicole - I thought of you right away as I was going through this. I remember reading about how it was for you when you were stuck in that apartment and your health was not great. Knowing that you came out of it, I know I can do it as well. Success from other folks here is so inspiring and I make sure to remind myself that this is not only possible, but greatness awaits.
LC - Yeah, definitely lots of pluses with this move. It's a much smaller space so kids will have to get used to it, but when you create a loving home, kids don't care. Everything else is just secondary. Kids are excited about getting a bunk bed and we'll organize their room together and so they have ownership of the place.
W is unnerved that I am moving right next to her basically. Sent me some texts as if this decision was supposedly something I should've consulted her about - ridiculous. I was tempted to be curt, but I kept it cordial and let her know why I was planning the move. I am just amazed that she thinks she has a say in this or that I should've talked to her about it. I did let her know that I was looking so it shouldn't have been a surprise. Anyways, it annoyed me for a bit but now I am over it. I am doing what's best for me and the kids and i don't care if she agrees with it.
Things are generally good and hopefully I get the place. I'll know next week.
She framed it in a way to suggest that I was only moving to keep tabs on her as I was going to be so close to where she lives. I really wanted to send a LOL text, but I didn't. It's just ridiculous and absurd and I have no idea what the hell she's thinking about anything. The only thing it shows me is that she's not grown a bit and that her issues of anxiety and paranoia are well and alive. This is just getting too unattractive at this point, more so than before. I couldn't care less if she was banging some dude right in her backyard for me to see.
I'm going to move forward with the D. There is a very collaborative way we can do it that doesn't involve the court to get the mediation and legal stuff around custody, access, and assets done. No assets to split so just custody and access to deal with, which should be straightforward hopefully. I just have to get some finances in order to do it cuz I don't know how much it's going to cost. I am making some phone calls next week to this law firm to find out so I have an idea of what I should expect in terms of cost. This approach can take care of everything, but the final D has to be decreed by the court - which shouldn't be a problem once we've sorted out the rest.
So, my goal is to get this new place and then put some money aside for the D process. I just need this to be done with at this point. I don't think she's the right person for me at this point in time and what I need from her to get there is something she's not going to do. There's no point in prolonging this. I feel good about myself and all my choices and I am ready to move on.
Realistically, I'll probably start something by the end of this year or January at the latest. It's time.
Well M you should have clarity by now but I know it is scary. We did something similar and the x and I negotiated everything which IMO is important to be on good terms. Just know you will be more than fine. It will be renenforced even more when you start interacting with other ladies. Truthfully I would be shocked if she was not dating someone but since she is not pushing hard for D my guess is that it is not serious.
I've had clarity for a while, but it's been muddied at times and so I've not been sure if I was totally certain about D. This one interaction isn't pushing me over the edge, but it's just a pattern of behavior on her part that shows to me that she's not done any serious growth pertaining to her issues. Not that I have run out of patience, but more so that I am getting increasingly ready to move on. Life hasn't been in limbo, but I certainly need to push it more and be more selfish about what I want and then get it done and work hard.
I've been operating with the idea that she's been dating since separation. She had admitted to me she'd been on some dates around BD - even though it was only over coffee as that minimizes things. Once we separated and I went NC and dark on her, I am sure she's probably been more active on the dating scene. I feel like she did what your W did and just kept it on the low low. I am fully expecting that she's done that and that there might be some dudes who she's slinging.
But, whatever she's doing is really none of my concern right now. I have no interest in dating her or pursuing anything as things stand and as she is right now. I have no attraction towards her at this point. I think she's not pushed for D so far is because she's got high levels of anxiety and problems with follow through. Just like most things, I'll have to push and get it done - which at this point I am cool with.
Inaction on her part is still action and I am not going to put up with it.
I just got a message from a friend today to hang out and that his W was inviting some single ladies over and it would be fun. Unfortunately I had a few things to take care of and so I couldn't take up the offer. But next time I will for sure. I just need to be in more social situations and meet people. It's happening soon.
You know M, my inner journey made me discover my identity. I’m stronger now and I don’t feel the need of being accepted, I have learnt to say No when I have to. That was not an easy thing for me. Just moving forward like all of us should do.
Sending you a big Hug an lots of possitve energy now M!
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
I totally relate to that Nef. That inner journey is hard work and can cause pain, but the positive results are undeniable. I don't feel the need to be accepted; I don't minimize my needs; I don't avoid conflict now; and I have let go of my unhealthy controlling habits. My stress levels are down; I feel more centered; and I am optimistic about my future.
Sending you a hug as well and positive vibes. We keep on sprinting forward with intention and love.
Got some good news today - I got the apartment that I had put an application for. It was such a relief to get the call and hear that it was approved. This will help me move things in the right direction for sure. Kids are really stoked about it too and they're excited to move to the new place.
Nothing new on the W front after what seemed like she was peeking out the castle doors. No surprise there really. I called some lawyers as well to move ahead with a collaborative mediation approach and they gave me some good info that I can square away for now. Looking forward to the move, settling things in, and then starting the D in early 2019.
Things are good. Moving forward one solid step at a time.
Last edited by Cadet; 09/12/1805:56 PM. Reason: combine posts
Maika, congratulations on the apartment! That's a relief. I bet you'll hear more from your wife when divorce proceedings begin. If she's having any second thoughts then she should speak up when you tell her it's time to file. That's nice you have a plan in place. That helps to remove some of the uncertainty that everyone inevitably feels when their entire world changes.
