Am I coming or going?

[JujuB]

I am so so sorry. That just totally [censored]!!!! Ugh.

Theres still a chance though. He might change his mind. Wouldnt it be better for him to be near family?
Just get back on the saddle. People are always selling. Especially now before the schools start.

[job]

I am keeping my fingers crossed and saying some prayers that the man will change his mind and move near his family. It doesn't make sense for him to live alone in a home away from his family unless they do not want him around them. If it's a matter of keeping the place in the family, then rent it out to someone and have their father move closer, but the best option would be to sell it and relocate their father. Doesn't make any sense to me why they would be discouraging him to stay there.

[DonH]

I'm so sorry to hear this Ginger. But how can this even happen? I don't know much about the real-estate space but after they accepted your offer is that not a binding agreement? Can they really "un-accept" your offer? Have you put money into this deal paying an attorney, etc? If so do you have damages there that they perhaps may at least need to pay you some money to cover costs and damages? I'd be furious and get what I could but that's just me. You can't play games like this with people's lives - putting up a house for sale, accepting an offer then saying "oh, never mind" I'd put some pressure on them if I could - again that's just me as I don't play with stupid people tricks like this. Decisions and actions have consequences and they may need to feel some???

[Ginger1]

I am so sad. still kind of in shock. I think a possibility is his family doesn't want him down there, as job said. It's just crazy. I can only hope he changes his mind, but I doubt it. The offer was accepted and we were in attorney review, where you can still back out. usually it's the buyer that backs out. Luckily you don't get charged by the attorney if it falls through.

I am in an awful spot here. I am going to have to fight my landlord because he is trying to kick me out by Oct. 1st. I'm going to lose his deal.

Just can't catch a break.

.

[Ginger1]

Since my house life is gone for the time being, let's talk about my love life. We all know it could be funny and entertaining at times.

I have to say, I have learned a lot of dating different men. Things I would have never known or felt before. Everyone brings something different to the table. Everyone also teaches you something about yourself.

I have seen Bandguy twice more. He came home from his trip Monday and I went over his house to watch a movie. Late. I did sleep over. I did not have sex with him. I'm not going to say things didn't get hot and heavy, but neither of us is ready for the sex. What was different? We slept in each other's arms all night. I haven't done that since FF. HC made sure not to touch me and sleep on the opposite side of a king bed. We woke up, he cuddled me, kissed me good morning and offered to make me breakfast before I went off to work. He is 12 min away from my work which was super nice. We never quite finished the movie that night, so he invited me over last night to finish it. And that's exactly what we did. He gave me a lovely kiss goodnight and I went on my way. His kids were there. Fast asleep. Actually, he had this horror movie on his very loud surround sound system and I couldn't believe the kids didn't wake. he said they sleep like logs, and he was right.

So yeah, I know some might judge. But when you are divorced with young kids, you get crafty dating. You figure it out. We may not be able to follow all the "rules" but really, it is almost impossible if you actually ever want to see anyone. I happen to be childless this week, and he goes away to band camp next week. You never know when you might see eachother next. If your kids schedules are going to line up. We are in a very similar position, we both get it, so we do what we do. We understand each other.

So far, I don't need to play the game with this one. Not at all. He shows interest, keeps in touch, thinks of me, looks forward to seeing me, and doesn't keep me at a firm distance. But we haven't gotten too close yet. We are not hot and heavy and fast emotionally. Not all in at all. We are just spending time together when we can getting to know each other.

He is probably my best choice logistically so far. I am not putting myself in an impossibly unrealistic position. So we can only see where it goes, but I am enjoying myself so far.

Funny. HC who never texted me when we were seeing eachtoher felt the need to reach out to tell me how he burned his member by urinating right after cutting up hot peppers. He had done this before and told me. Guess he felt the need to share again? I just said "I thought that was a lesson you would never forget" and left it at that.

But what a difference. A lesson I learned from this back to back dating thing. It need to stop denying my needs because they might not fit in with other's. My needs are important too. I paid zero attention to mine in my marriage. They aren't "wrong". It's also ok to let go of what doesn't serve you. I was not feeling good with HC. I began to think I shouldn't be feeling that way, and I should just accept what he was giving me. Band Guy has helped me realize I don't just have to accept what comes along and to be honest with myself.

[TBSakaJ9]

G - When my time comes I will be in the same boat. Having the lady I am dating over after the kids go to sleep, etc. There is no shame in it and I agree you do what you need to do. Sounds like you are enjoying getting to know band guy. Good for you.

[Ginger1]

Thanks Joe. The other options is rarely see each other or introduce the kids too early. I don't think either of them are the better choice. I am glad his kids are sound sleepers. We had a plan in case they wake up. I was simply Daddy's friend. I don't think there is any harm in that. I prefer to date guys with kids and I have kids, so we make it work.

I am definitely enjoying getting to know band guy. he has the same name as you, I think that's a good sign! Today he is throwing his son a birthday party. He did everything himself and sent me pictures of his pintrest successes! yes, that is very hot to us single mom women. Along with the ability to fix things. Last night he wanted me to text him when I got home. We had some wicked storms and there a detour that took a little longer to get home. I said "I hope I didn't wake you, it took me longer than usual to get home." He said "I wasn't sleeping, he was waiting for your text" he speaks my LL on all counts. And guess what book he had on his nightstand?! "5LL"!

Today I am going to go look at a condo. Not what I really want, but my choices are dwindling. At least the complex has a pool. Dinner with friends tonight. My D needs to get home. I miss her horribly and I would never survive as a bachelorette. My domestic desires go down hill when she isn't around. I finally made myself do laundry and the dishes!

[TBSakaJ9]

That is a very good sign! When you have kids I don't think you have a choice and if you are trying to do it right and introduce them too early then you have to find ways to make it work so I am totally on board. I think my XW introduced too soon for the sake of spending time with her BF but that is on her.

From what you have described he sounds like a good guy and as long as you feel the chemistry and the sexual polarity then continue to see where it leads. It sounds like he is pretty invested in you which is good!

[kml]

Funny. HC who never texted me when we were seeing each other felt the need to reach out to tell me how he burned his member by urinating right after cutting up hot peppers.

Funny how that works, huh?

And it seems clear that A) you are an extrovert and B) your love languages are physical touch and words of affirmation (the texting is really affirmation for you).

I'm an introvert myself but oddly, have dated mostly extroverts. (It's kinda handy to have them do some of the social life organizing for you.) It's workable but requires some adjustments. Extroverted CMM for instance would spend every night with me if I allowed it and is bummed I'll be gone on tour for 11 days. I'm personally looking forward to a break because my introvert self needs some alone time to recharge (and even though I am traveling with 2 other women musicians, we are all introverts and can drive for miles without any talking lol).

I'm also a physical touch person and it is indeed luxurious to be involved with somebody who speaks that love language too. (Oddly, even though my ex and I slept spooned together for 26 years, he was not really a physical touch person - maybe that was more a manifestation of his extroversion, he didn't want to be alone even in his sleep!). CMM is very physical touch (as was crazy exBF) and I believe his other preferred love language is words of affirmation.

[DonH]

My top LL is physical touch (followed a close second by words of affirmation). However, I CANNOT sleep with someone cuddling me or me them - just cannot. I can touch a little here and there but I simply cannot get to sleep and stay asleep that way - never could, even when I was married.

I'm really, really huge on the kids thing - as Ginger already knows. Kids just don't have the choice in these matters and have already gone through the divorce of their parents. Then someone else gets in the picture, they get attached and if that person goes away it really writes on the slate of who they are in so many ways. That said, it certainly is really hard for kids not to have some sort of interaction with someone you are dating - especially if you want to wait the 6 to 12 months that many experts recommend. HOWEVER - that does not mean the kids can't ever "meet" someone you are dating. That would be nearly impossible. The thing is, meeting someone for a few minutes here and there is completely different than getting attached to someone. I don't think anyone sees much if any harm in kids spending a few minutes here and there incidentally with a dating partner. It's when the dating partner really gets into their lives - helps them with homework, teaches them how to throw a baseball or ride a bike, has someone do their hair or take them places or go on a vacation. It's this type of action that really puts the kids at risk for all sorts of guys or women coming in and out of their life. That is way, way different. If the kids woke up during the movie and were introduced to you - that in no way will harm them. It's when they start watching the moves with you, going to dinner as a "family" etc., and especially when the dating partner starts spending quality time with the kids that it gets to be a problem. And to be clear, I'm talking a lot here about younger kids as well - especially pre-teen and younger.

Yeah, it's yet another hurdle to work around when either or both have kids, but until you know that this person is more likely than not to be around for a long term, it's not worth the risk for the kids. After about 6 months you can start to get a good sense if he or she will be here for the longer term. If people even wait 6 months, many of those dated would never become an issue as it's done and over by then. Something that makes it 6 months and for certain a full year, is far less risky.

I think you are doing things really well so far this time Ginger. And I very much agree that you were giving up too much just to have someone to date with a few of these other guys. It's not worth it, as you are now seeing. You wanted to be accommodating and that's a good trait but not to the exclusion of all of your needs. I am so pleased for you to see how you are now looking back at some of these and seeing that. HC really was a big example of this. But you see it now.

I hope both you and band guy will be able to keep on the course you appear to be on. It's certainly not slow by most standards but it's also not over-the-top fast or all in like has been the case in the past. You've been single for a long time and I think you know what you are wanting and are ready for it. I do, however, worry a bit about band guy - but only because I don't know (or don't remember) his history.

How old is Band Guy?
How long has he been D'd?
How long ago since his last R ended?

I know you said he was in an LTR but that woman got cold feet or something and pulled back without a total closure. Hopefully she won't see how he's moving ahead with you and decide she made a terrible mistake and try to get him back. Of course that's a risk, but there is risk to any R.

I have a good feeling about this guy. Or at least a much better feeling than I have had about most of the others over the past two or three years. Yeah, I know, amazing hey? "I" have a good feeling about it all for you. It's passing the Don test - which either means you may have finally found a good guy (I mean, he is a musician after all) - or you are really in trouble with this one since Don is pretty bad at this R stuff and is just some goof on the Internet. LOL