Affair discovered 3

[STH17]

Just found out I didn't get the job I interviewed for last week. I had put a lot of hope in that. This week has been hard, I think I am experiencing depression. Not as bad as my wife did for months or years at a time probably, but I've noticed a change in my own attitudes. Feeling a lot more hopeless in general about the future. All my GAL activities feel empty now, like they aren't enough to make me happy. Being with my son is positive, but also saddens me because I keep worrying about not having a job, daycare, or housing plan for him/us. And my car needs an emissions check by the end of the month but needs repairs before it will pass. I ordered parts today and I hope that fixes the problem but I feel I am taking a risk with doing it myself to try to save some money on it.

[STH17]

Just sent son off with W for this week. I did a lot of fun stuff with son this weekend. Went to another festival that had free carnival rides and had ice cream there. We re-painted one of his dinosaur toys and a happy meal toy because he's been watching a lot of youtube videos of toy customization like that. I had a friend, his wife, and their infant over for dinner one night.

Despite all that my son has started telling me "I don't like you, I hate you, I don't like living with you" when I say "I love you" to him. I've read that can be a common thing for kids his age to do, especially when they are upset about not getting their way with something. That was definitely the case the first time, he was upset I wanted him to sleep in his bed instead of on the couch. It caught me off guard and I tried asking him why he said that, it's not a nice thing to say. And after some reading I learned the best response is not to do that, but to assure him that I still love him no matter what. I did that the next day when he said the same things and I think it turned out better.

It seems to be the same sort of detached response necessary for dealing with a spouse who says they are not in love with you: "Ok, you don't love me, but that is not a reflection of my true intrinsic value, and I will still love you no matter what." Except saying "I love you" to a spouse who wants out doesn't really work. And that's an even harder attitude to maintain when spouse is having an affair. I wonder if I still love her or I just haven't let her go. I think I know how to get my love for her back if I needed to (that is if she shows any interest in R).

I am sad that my son is saying these things to me because I think he would not be saying them to me if W had not moved out. He was very excited to see W today when she came to pick him up. I feel like not only have I lost my W, now I need to save my relationship with my son too.

[STH17]

I had a text exchange with W tonight to set up exchange for our son tomorrow. I requested an earlier time than we've done before (about 30 min earlier). She asked where, and I said either our house or the "halfway" point we have been using. She asked me how long it took me to get to the halfway point. I knew where this was going but told her 45-60min. She said it was taking her 1.5 hours and asked if I would drive further. I wanted to hold my ground, so I said I couldn't tomorrow. She asked what was going on tomorrow. I didn't want to start an argument about whose time was more important, so I ignored that question and just said we should meet at the usual halfway point and that I was reading son a bedtime story at the moment. She agreed and that put the issue to rest for now. I don't think I could have had that interaction face to face with her without it turning sour (I would have been pretty stony, as I have been more often with W since she moved out). I expect her to keep asking me to drive further in the future. She's been doing more of the driving than I have, but I don't think it is my responsibility to make the driving time equal. She is not my priority any more.

I don't want this conflict to turn son into a gamepiece. It already feels like that with handing him over to each other for exchanges: here you go, your turn! I don't want that to be his experience growing up, switching between two lives, one with a mom and one with a dad. That's why I want to start calling him while he is with W during the week.

When I drop off son tomorrow I plan on telling W that I want to call son this week, so she knows I will be calling and we can agree on a time for that. I'm sure she won't object to me talking to son, but I have a fear that she will suspect I am really calling to check up on her (I'm not, and I would just call son directly if he wasn't only 4). I haven't called son while he's been with W since she moved out, and she hasn't called him while he's been with me either.

[SteveLW]

First, I commend you on being a good father! So many have no problem turning their kids into game pieces. So well done.

On the halfway point thing, I think sometimes we LBSs put the emphasis on the wrong thing. if driving an extra 1/2 hour even things out, then do it. There is nothing wrong with being reasonable and accommodating. In fact, that kind of thing can go a long way in making your sitch a little easier to deal with. Look at it i reverse, what if you were driving 1.5 hours and she was driving 45 minutes? That would likely stick in your crawl. So try to be even with things. Accommodate where it makes sense. Error on the side of trying to show a conciliatory attitude. This doesn't mean you become a doormat, but reasonable accommodation doesn't turn you into that.

I detect one of the 180s you could do is like the above. You said: "I don't think I could have had that interaction face to face with her without it turning sour (I would have been pretty stony, as I have been more often with W since she moved out)." So 180 on that. Remain upbeat, friendly, accommodating even in person. Don't let it turn sour and don't return in kind. If she does start getting disrespectful calmly state: "I refuse to have this conversation with you if you can't remain respectful. When you can be respectful then we can continue this discussion." And then walk away.

Remember 180s are about stopping doing that which doesn't work, and starting to that which does.

[sandi2]

Just found out I didn't get the job I interviewed for last week. I had put a lot of hope in that. This week has been hard, I think I am experiencing depression.

So sorry you didn't get the job you wanted. I'm sure you are experiencing natural disappointment. One thing that always helped with not getting the job I wanted, or other things, is that I know my God has a plan for my life. He wants the best for me, and sometimes, He has to shut a door...….in order to open another one. In other words, if I interview for a job that "I" think would be good, but God (knowing the future), knows it would be bad, so He closes that door. But if I will trust Him, He will open the way for me for to get the "right" job.

Don't take this as a personal rejection. Don't start beating yourself up, thinking you aren't good enough. You have been, and still are, going through a storm. It gets tiring. You have to find the fuel that feeds your soul. I compare it to the love tank (most everyone knows a little about that), and we can run just so long on the fuel we had stored in our tank. However, if we don't take time to pull over and fuel up......we will run completely out, and then what?

You have had to deal with a lot of negative stuff in your life. That takes a toll on your spirit. You've got to have something positive that inspires you. Something that gets you pumped! It may be inspirational music, motivational talks, dancing, whatever. But you have to go find it. It won't come to you. Know what I mean?

FWIW, my H & I have faced many times we didn't know how we were going to keep the utilities on, make the next car payment, buy groceries, etc. He would go for periods of time without a job (and that is such a stressful time on the MR). I mean, it was so bad we thought living from paycheck to paycheck would be a slice of heaven! By the grace of God, we would come through it. It may not have been the way "I" would have preferred, but we made it. So, my heart goes out to you during this time. Edification has never been my "gift", but I do want to encourage you not to give up hope for your life getting better. This period will pass. (((hugs)))

[NicoleR]

STH17, that's really hard when you divide custody. That's great to call your son when he's not with you. I hope your wife will cooperate. My husband calls my daughter every day now and I help facilitate the call, encouraging her to answer his questions and then I talk to him a little sometimes as well. I hope you can find an arrangement that works. I feel so, so sad for these children. I can't understand how anyone can walk away from their marriage with innocent little kids. Once we have kids they become the most important thing. Raising them is a huge responsibility and privilege. I hope this is a temporary time in your child's life and you and your wife can either reconcile someday or find a better arrangement that prevents him from being a game piece.

[SteveLW]

So sorry you didn't get the job you wanted. I'm sure you are experiencing natural disappointment. One thing that always helped with not getting the job I wanted, or other things, is that I know my God has a plan for my life. He wants the best for me, and sometimes, He has to shut a door...….in order to open another one. In other words, if I interview for a job that "I" think would be good, but God (knowing the future), knows it would be bad, so He closes that door. But if I will trust Him, He will open the way for me for to get the "right" job.

Such a good point! There have been times when I wanted a job so bad.....didn't get it. And NOT getting it ended up being the best thing for me!
1) Right out of college I lost out to the other finalist for the job. Turns out I would have been stuck in that position or moving to sales (and I am not a sales person!), instead I got a lower paying job that had lots of advancement opportunities. In short, I would not be where I am in my career today if I had landed that job.
2) Wanted a job with my W's company really badly. Even though I was finishing some schooling for a degree (that would have went on hold). Didn't get it, and then 3 months after not getting it they let all of the new people they had hired go in a layoff. I would have been jobless, and had less opportunities since my schooling wasn't finished.
3) Applied for a job with my sister's company. She is in accounting, I am in IT. She didn't know much about their IT business. I didn't get the job. Work with someone now that worked for that company and said it was the worst IT company he's ever worked for! Another bullet dodged!

STH everything happens for a reason.

[STH17]

Thanks Steve, Sandi, and Nicole.

This week was a pretty good week for me. I didn't apply to any more jobs, but it was a restful week I was able to turn my attention more towards setting better habits for myself and taking a look at what's working and what's not in my life. Calling my son on Wednesday was great. We did FaceTime and he was in a good mood. He told me W bought brownies, cookies, and cupcakes, which is exciting for him, but a dead giveaway to me that W is feeling depressed herself. I only talked to W about scheduling the next exchange of our son, and she was getting frustrated with son who was climbing all over her. She told him she wanted him to leave her alone for a few minutes while she talked to me. I don't know if there was anything else she wanted to talk about. She seemed distracted by son, so I just said I could go so she could give him her attention. I'm glad I talked to my son, and want to keep doing that at least once a week while W has him.

Today when I picked up son, he soon told me again he didn't want to live with me, that he wanted to live with mom at grandma's house. I asked what he liked about grandma's house. This time he said he wanted to live there with mom and me, together. And he asked why mom's house couldn't be across the street. That was heartbreaking to hear from him. I get the sense that his emotions about this are hard for him to talk about and understand too. I told him that I would like to live together with him and mom too. I didn't know what else to say. I told him I loved him, and mom loved him too.

This week I met up with a running group for a 3-mile run and post-run meal at nearby restaurant. I think that was the best thing I did this week (calling son was a close second). I met some new people, and I think running is more uplifting for me than rock climbing which I've been doing a lot of but is starting to feel like a chore of a workout.

W changed the password for our (her) Netflix account yesterday, locking me out. Party's over :P. Oh well, she's probably doing me a favor in reality. I just need to replace the time I spent watching TV with something better. I've been wanting to start habits of reading and journaling, but Netflix and Youtube often distract me. I want to be more conscious of my choice to watch Youtube videos, and make a choice to do something else positive.

I haven't been coming to this forum as much this week either. I spend a lot of time here when I'm anxious about my sitch. I've been journaling in a notebook each night this week, and that's been pretty good. It's different than writing here.

Still a long road ahead I know. This week was kind of a breather/recovery week. Next week is my 8th anniversary on Tuesday. It will be just another Tuesday this year. I'll be staying busy that day.

[NicoleR]

STH, it's good to hear positive updates. It sounds like you've done so much this week. Calling your son, running, journaling, and meeting new people are all healthy and rewarding activities. Everything with your wife still happened recently so you probably really needed a week like this to help unwind. I'll be keeping your son in my thoughts as he struggles to understand what's happening. I'd give anything to prevent any kid from going through this. I'm sure your call helped your son a lot to know you still care even when you're not there.

[STH17]

I took my son to another fair this past weekend, the biggest one we've been to all summer. Spent 8 hours there. Gave son back to W last night because I had a meeting to go to. She was going to bring him to me today because she had an IC appointment. Instead right when she should have been leaving she texted me that she was leaving son with her parents. I was disappointed and angry. I was looking forward to having some time with my son today. It would have been a couple two hour car rides for him to spend two hours with me. I don't know why W changed the plans. I only responded "OK". I would like to ask her why she changed the plans with such short notice, and tell her that I was looking forward to spending time with son and am disappointed I didn't get that time with him today. I even tried calling W's parents to Skype with son, but MIL only had Skype on their basement computer, and son didn't want to go down there to talk to me. I think he just didn't want to talk to me. He seems to take every transition hard, not wanting to hug either me or W goodbye.

I'm going running tonight with the same group as last week but a new (for me) location.

Tomorrow is anniversary number eight. I will not be contacting W tomorrow.