This statement he made confirms what I wrote in a previous post about how I believe my husband would try to come back if I were in another relationship. I don't even have plans to date, we're still married and even if we divorce I don't plan to date anyone any time soon, but if I were in a new relationship I think that would evoke a major response from my husband.
So you know my opinion is that you shouldn't reconcile with a guy who says he wishes his daughter had never been born. BUT - given that you still hope to reconcile - there is a way to test your theory above without actually dating.
Be mysterious. Be busy. Dress up nice when you do go out even if it's only to go to the library - when he sees you leaving the house while he's with your daughter he should WONDER about where you are.
I'm not saying to date, and don't do anything he could hold over your head later. But it's ok to let him IMAGINE you might be out somewhere where you might meet a man.
When my ex had his affair, I was DBing him and I remember one night I went out dancing with my best girlfriend. (As I recall it, I'm not sure we even ended up going dancing, but if we did, I certainly didn't meet any men.) But I do believe that played a role in our reconciliation at that time - like it hadn't occurred to him earlier that what was sauce for the gander could be sauce for the goose as well. He was cheating but hadn't thought through all the ramifications that I could just as easily go out and get a man. Sometimes just teasing the POSSIBILITY that you might find someone new is enough to snap them back into sanity. So don't do anything that isn't explainable later with a perfectly benign explanation, but feel free to leave little clues. Sexy new lingerie hanging to dry in the bathroom. Fresh flowers in the apartment which, if he asks, came from a "friend; nobody you know".
And yes, be busy if he invites you to another family get together. Let him feel the reality of what divorce will be like. Kinder to let him feel all of this now - while there's still a possibility of reconciliation - rather than later once you've already moved on with a new man.
And I don't think it's bad your daughter saying that to him - he needs to know that THIS IS THE REALITY when you leave your wife and child - a new man may become your child's stepfather. That's one of the consequences of his behavior.
Nicole, he wants to R when he feels he is replaced? what happens when he is back and establishes his territory again and then gets bored? Like most other WASs he needs to show true remorse for you to even reconsider. I wouldnt attend any family event with him, I think you are great keeping the distance. I like KML's suggestions, be mysterious, give him a taste of what he may miss, forever. But also be unattainable until you see true remorse. Hugs. - arshi
This statement he made confirms what I wrote in a previous post about how I believe my husband would try to come back if I were in another relationship. I don't even have plans to date, we're still married and even if we divorce I don't plan to date anyone any time soon, but if I were in a new relationship I think that would evoke a major response from my husband.
So you know my opinion is that you shouldn't reconcile with a guy who says he wishes his daughter had never been born.
Well I'm a true believer that things get said in the heat of the moment that may not truly reflect how life is. Nic look at his actions long term versus what he says in anger. Are his actions of a man that deeply regrets his D's life?
We all have that moment in time where we think about where life would have taken us if we had turned left instead of right... we are all allowed to have those thoughts on occasion but if obsessive about such things that is when we need a life assessment.
My ex's initial gut reaction was to insist I abort our surprise child. That wasn't a choice I was willing to make for myself but I am pro choice. Of course he was angry. 17yr later we co-parent this soon to be adult. I will NEVER let my son know his father said this EVER. Moments of fear and panic over the biggest thing in your life shouldn't follow you around forever - instead I let the last 17yr speak for itself.
Certainly at some point in time speak with your H over the hurt this statement caused but don't forever judge him by it - look at his actions over time.
At the same time, the fact that he had that thought, or even that he was able to verbalize that, is problematic. Nicole, I am sure you would make MC a stipulation of R. This is one of the things that has to be worked out with the help of a good counselor. Otherwise you will wonder for the rest of your life if he really meant it or not.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hi Everyone, I'll respond to your responses and then I want to write about something that's not related to my husband and I'd appreciate your feedback so stay tuned.
KML, I really like what you wrote. I truly believe that's the right thing to do. I kind of did it last weekend. I normally dress conservatively but I wore a really short dress and left for five hours and my husband didn't know where I was going. I'll try to flowers and lingerie and will let you know what happens. Your story about what you did with your ex is great by the way! I love your thinking.
Arsh, this is one area where I actually have some perspective. Coming back doesn't equal reconciling. I think my husband would come back if I were dating someone else but that doesn't mean the marriage would be fixed. He could very well leave again when he's bored if he doesn't come back for the right reasons. And I wouldn't let him come back like that, especially because if I ever truly was dating someone that would mean it would be really serious because I doubt casual dating will ever be for me.
KitKat, I'm so sorry to hear your ex said something like that about your son. My husband didn't mean what he said literally. What he meant was "I found this sexy 26 year old nurse and I'm taking her to Dubai next week but I can't enjoy myself as much as I wish because I have to divorce you and this beautiful child is a big barrier to my freedom." I've come to believe the relationship with that nurse didn't work out so my husband has been thinking more rationally in recent months. He calls our daughter every day now and while he's probably a fraction of what a real father should be, he's made the effort to talk to her every day so I don't think he meant what he said. It's still terrible though.
Steve, yes it's inexcusable that he said or thought anything bad about our daughter, especially when it was due to him dating some other woman who appeared to be not a high-quality woman based on the over abundance of bikini-on-the-beach-holding-a-beer-acting-drunk and bar photos on her social media. It's hard to imagine how doing that day-after-day-after-day is an interesting lifestyle. So I doubt she was a woman who was worth wishing his daughter hadn't been born. If we ever got to the point of reconciling counseling would have to play a big role in the process. Namely my husband needs to get his ADHD treated and find out if he has bi-polar. For MC we'd need someone who really has experience with the reconciliation process because I don't think all MC's do.
My husband left on Monday. He was really stressed when he came on Monday and left kind of in-a-rush but just as he closed the door to leave my daughter said "Mom are you happy?" I asked why. She said "because daddy is taking us both to a hotel." He never mentioned that to me, but apparently he told her that afternoon he's planning to take us to a hotel sometime in the near future. We'll see if that invitation ever comes to fruition.
So now I'd like to write about something else. I've mentioned here that I don't have much experience with men or dating. Just one long-term long-distance boyfriend for eight years before I met my husband and that's it. And a male best-friend who has shared a lot of insights over the years. Now being semi-single I really have no idea how to distinguish between friendly and interested on a slightly deeper level. For example before I left my old state my gastroenterologist came running after me in the parking lot shouting my name and it really scared me. He caught up to me and said he just wanted to show me a picture of his daughters. Was that just friendly? I have no idea but it was odd.
Last Friday I was on a conference call for work. My firm is partnering with a firm based in the UK on a project. One of the guys on the call mentioned he's from my favorite country in Europe. After the call I sent the guy an e-mail saying I was happy to hear he's from that country and I mentioned the time I've spent there over the past 20 years and how it's always a good opportunity to meet people from that country (a small country). He responded asking me more about my time in his country and I could see that he checked my LinkedIn profile but then he didn't respond to my e-mail again. We've been in touch about work though. This evening I saw a missed call from a UK country code. Then I got a text message from this guy saying he's going to bed soon but he wanted to talk about something we were co-writing. He called me and we talked about it and he asked for my Skype ID so he could show me something from his screen. Then my daughter started crying and interrupting. Towards the end I told him not to stay up any later working on this thing, that it wasn't that urgent. He said, "no you have your daughter and I'm single sitting here in a hotel." He was asked about my daughter and tried to say hi to her. Then he said he's flying back to the UK tomorrow and he can talk right when he lands or any time tomorrow night. After the call I wrote him something in his native language and he responded in his native language. I tried to look him up on line a few days ago to see his picture and it was there on his linkedin. I wanted to view it again tonight and it's gone. Anyway, I felt like this guy was looking for a reason to call me but was he? I have no sense when it comes to these things. It seems he'll call again tomorrow and it's kind of my dream to meet a single guy from that country but I don't want to get carried away. I'm not planning to date him or pursue a relationship but I guess in a fantasy-sense it's nice to imagine someone from that country would consider me at this stage in life. I'd appreciate any input. Thanks!
Nicole, I think you're a catch, and he's interested. Why wouldn't he be?
Don't get your hopes too high, though. At this point, anything could happen. But do take it as an indication of what your future could be like, with men actually interested in you, and pursuing you.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Your husband is still all over the place, but you're doing a great job of staying grounded and being strong. I think you are seeing things fairly clearly and this is great.
This male colleague is definitely interested. Hear him out, but I doubt it's going anywhere (b/c it's work, you're DB'ing and still married - not b/c it couldn't). Either way, it will be good for you to just see what's out there and feel wanted.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Jim and Overrnbw, thanks for your responses. What makes you think he's interested? I just can't tell if I'm imagining that he was looking for a reason to call or if he's just a motivated colleague who wants to tackle work. The only part that seemed more explicit was when he pointed out that he's single...either he was saying it to be nice so I didn't feel bad about him doing more work or he wanted to let me know he's single. Anyway he just called me a while ago from the airport but we just talked about work and he said he'll call again later when he lands. Regardless of his intentions our project will end tomorrow so we won't be in touch after that unless he reaches out. I'm planning to go to his native country next summer so I may at that time ask if he's around and meet him if I'm single by then. Otherwise I'm so lost when I think about being single. The thought of meeting a guy like this one is appealing though. Not practical, but perhaps it's the first instance since my husband left that I could even imagine ever considering anyone else.
