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#2805457 08/06/18 11:49 PM
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DH is 62. I'm 57. He had an affair about 3 years ago. He decided not to leave me, but only cut contact at my insistence. I had gotten and read the DB book, but can't find it, so I've got one on order.

Lately, I've been teary, clingy, and desperate after seeing the OW for the first time in nearly 2 years. I was cool at the time, but ended up later "confronting" my husband with the level of eye contact he was giving her (they were across the room from each other). Our conversation eventually deteriorated to the point where he said we married young, we hadn't been a couple in a long time, but we were "friends." I told him that his level of resentment towards me (he keeps bringing up the fact that I'm the breadwinner) is unsustainable and either he gets professional help, or he leaves. He eventually called the therapy practice that I'm using and left a message.

I have a really hard time knowing what to do in this type of situation. He's done with the OW as far as deliberate contact goes, but he obviously sees me as "not a wife". OTOH, he invites me to his concerts (he's a musician) and thanks me profusely for coming. I'm so d@mn confused about all of this right now.

Last edited by job; 08/07/18 12:58 AM. Reason: edited a word

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt, This is My Story

(Me: 57, DH62, S30, GS 6 & 3)
Notavic #2805458 08/06/18 11:53 PM
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-68, D35,S34
Cadet #2805461 08/07/18 12:09 AM
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Thank you so much, Cadet! It's very helpful to have all this in one place. Just reading the first page of the "Stages of the LBS" thread has helped me feel less crazy.


No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt, This is My Story

(Me: 57, DH62, S30, GS 6 & 3)
Notavic #2805622 08/07/18 06:18 PM
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I would start by reading the book, have you gotten a copy yet?

Has your husband dropped a major bomb on you? Like's he leaving, etc.

Is he cheating again? Are you two in counseling?


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
ovrrnbw #2805624 08/07/18 06:34 PM
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I've ordered the book and it's on its way.
About 2 years ago he said he was thinking of a separation but because the o w had too much baggage he decided to stay with me. I don't think he's cheating again but he has said that we haven't been a couple in years and that we are friends. He resents me for being the breadwinner. I've been in counseling for about a year-and-a-half And have recently insisted that he get counseling due to his high level of resentment. He wouldn't go to marriage counseling when he decided not to leave because he said he doesn't want to be the bad guy. I've recently become aware that I had been resenting him for his lack of Breadwinner role, although I denied it to myself. I've basically been the pursuer for the last 2 years with him, pretending that everything was perfectly wonderful when it's not. I've been increasingly GAL, But I miss having a husband. But I can't force the role on him.


No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt, This is My Story

(Me: 57, DH62, S30, GS 6 & 3)
Notavic #2805637 08/07/18 07:39 PM
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I have broken just about all of Sandy's 37 rules, which I'm now going to have to reread every day!


No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt, This is My Story

(Me: 57, DH62, S30, GS 6 & 3)
Notavic #2805639 08/07/18 07:48 PM
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Notavic, it is interesting that you mention the breadwinner issue. We've had quite a few new posters recently mostly from LBHs, where the usual male-breadwinner role was reversed, and the W became the breadwinner. I've anecdotally known several couples (including my sister) who were in such arrangements. Only 1 of the 10 or so I know of have been successful long term. Eventually resentments and problems have arisen. I told the tragic story in 1 of my posts (I wish I could find it) where I told the story of some very dear friends of mine. In their case the H had type 1 diabetes severely, and therefore the W had to be the breadwinner. But eventually the same resentments cropped up, and she became a WAW. Her H lived a little over a year before the stress of the breakup of their marriage literally killed him. It was just too much on top of his severe diabetes.

You are at the right place. GAL, detaching, 180s and being the best you can be will go a long way towards potentially turning your sitch around. But if it doesn't it will prepare you for the next chapter of your life.

Keep posting. This is a great forum with a great set of people that really want to help!


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
SteveLW #2805658 08/07/18 09:48 PM
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Thanks so much, Steve. It's good to know I'm not alone, but disheartening to hear the lack of success in such situations. As you can see from my signature, dh is a baby boomer, and feels lied to, as far as the "work hard, get an education, and you'll do fine." Society has changed so much in the last couple of decades. Anyway, I'm starting to realize my own wrong turns and bad decisions in the R. Hope it can turn around.


No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt, This is My Story

(Me: 57, DH62, S30, GS 6 & 3)
Notavic #2805671 08/07/18 10:45 PM
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Originally Posted by Notavic
Anyway, I'm starting to realize my own wrong turns and bad decisions in the R. Hope it can turn around.


Of course you can, follow the advice here and you will succeed no matter what. Just take it one day at a time. Post as many questions as you can, this site has many people who have been right in your very situation.


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
bhappy2 #2805679 08/07/18 11:16 PM
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Originally Posted by bhappy2
Originally Posted by Notavic
Anyway, I'm starting to realize my own wrong turns and bad decisions in the R. Hope it can turn around.


Of course you can, follow the advice here and you will succeed no matter what. Just take it one day at a time. Post as many questions as you can, this site has many people who have been right in your very situation.


Wow! Thank you!!


No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt, This is My Story

(Me: 57, DH62, S30, GS 6 & 3)
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