Thank you Neffer! I saw a lawyer before I moved. The lawyer confirmed the level of financial support my husband would be expected to give based on the length of our marriage, his income, me having sole custody, etc.. He was paying the equivalent and continued to do so until he lost his job. At the moment I need to conserve money and the first lawyer consultation wasn't that helpful but if my husband continues to be unemployed much longer and I can't pay the bills on my own, even with a full-time job, then I'll definitely go to a new lawyer for additional advice. I wish they didn't charge hundreds of dollars for a consultation though. It would be great to hear your updates if you could post sometime on your thread.
Hi Everyone, I wish to post more on others' threads but I want to write an update on my end. This week I received an offer from one of my employers for a full-time position and I sat down with them to negotiate it. I wish to write more about that sometime because there were so many parallels between how that conversation went and how I envision the conversation with my husband would or should go if he were ever to try to reconcile.
Yesterday my husband arrived in our city to visit. When he reached our place he brought some old pictures and documents he found that had special meaning and he took them out right away and showed them to our daughter and I. He also purchased something for our apartment that he immediately went to install. Then he played with our daughter for a while, updated me on his job search, and got ready to leave to go to his family's house. As he was leaving he stopped for a few seconds near me to say something like "thanks for everything...bye...bye" and I tried to say goodbye quietly but I couldn't turn to look at him or smile at that moment because I still have a hard time accepting how he can stop by for a visit and then go to his 'real' family whereas we used to be his family.
Today my husband came and I left to go meet a group of old colleagues. When I returned he asked about my schedule tomorrow and said he and his brother were trying to see if we can meet halfway (between two states) to see his brother and brother's family. I asked if my husband was planning to take our daughter and he said no, everyone wants you to come. I said, "really? That's unexpected because your brother's wife stopped communicating after we separated so I thought they didn't want to stay in touch." My husband said no, she's just been busy, they want to see you, etc.."
Then my husband was complaining how it took him two hours to reach us today and I responded that it's his choice to stay so far away and come back-and-forth. His response was "I need to spend time with my mother. She's going to die soon. She doesn't even know who I am anymore." This is actually true, but I know my husband stays there because of our marriage situation, not because of his mom. Clearly his staying there is a sign that he doesn't want to reconcile but then he wanted me to visit his family's house a few weeks ago and he wants me to join them tomorrow.
Later after my husband left today I was giving our daughter a bath and she said something about how she told her father that she might have a second father someday. A few times earlier this year when my daughter was struggling to understand why her father stopped coming to see her and kept asking if he was coming back I'd say that I really hope he'll come back and spend time with her again. I'd say that I love him and hope we can continue to be a family someday. I've also said a few times that if he doesn't come back I hope to someday find another man who could be like her second father who will fill that role (meaning I hope to get re-married someday or at least find a male role model for her). That was probably wrong of me to say, but this was back when my husband was in the midst of his new relationship with the 26 year old nurse and wanted an immediate divorce. I was trying to reassure our young child that there'll be a father figure in her life one way or another. Ever since then she's said from time-to-time things like "maybe I'll have a second dad someday..." Apparently today she said something like that to my husband and his response was "No! If you ever have a second father I'll push him away!" This statement he made confirms what I wrote in a previous post about how I believe my husband would try to come back if I were in another relationship. I don't even have plans to date, we're still married and even if we divorce I don't plan to date anyone any time soon, but if I were in a new relationship I think that would evoke a major response from my husband.
Those are a few examples of how things are going but I keep wondering if it'll keep being like this forever. The tension is generally gone. The communication is good. I've succeeded at practicing DB and the LRT again in recent months after not doing a good job of it when I was ill. I feel confident I've overcome some of my flaws (like making sarcastic comments, asking too many questions, being too obsessive about planning and cleaning, etc..). My career is going well now. Things are generally better but I still feel totally clueless about the status of my marriage.
Last year the psychologist who saw my husband and I in separate appointments said my husband will always choose the path of least resistance. Meaning my husband will do whatever is easiest to get what he wants. I imagine my husband is probably happy with our current arrangement - he has his freedom living separately but he can still see us when he wants. But the times he's been crying on the phone recently indicate he's not entirely happy. Sometimes it's just hard to stay patient not knowing what will happen. It'll soon be a year since my husband left a second time. That's a pretty long time. Perhaps our lives are too separate now to reconcile and too much damage has been done after my husband's second destructive chaotic phase but I still don't want to get divorced. I wonder sometimes if there's anything else I should do, or something I should see that I'm not seeing, but otherwise it seems like I could keep writing these updates every week for months and they'll stay the same. Sorry to bore everyone. Perhaps I'll stop writing about my situation until there's some kind of breakthrough.
Hmmm... Nic lives are never too separate to reconcile. Frankly, moving on and going about your business makes you more interesting and perhaps draws him closer (pulls) him to you.
I certainly would proceed with caution. His life is in complete turmoil - ie... no job. He in following the path of least resistance may come home for that soft place to land to figure things out. That in my opinion might seem tempting to you at first but once he is back on his feet I feel he may skedaddle again. Don't let him come home unless he has all his p's and q's lined up!!!!
But, what you are doing right is keeping your interactions positive!!!! Huge pats on the back for that. You are not grilling him... you are letting him come to you. Keep working on setting up some decent boundaries. Make sure he knows he needs to check in with you about when a good time to come is ---- don't give him the feeling that you drop everything and cater to his whims to show up. At the same time make sure you give plenty of access to your D. I know... that's a fine line isn't it?
Reconciliation can still happen Nic, though it will be along time off I feel. But, remember my story I share with you. You still have some forward motion to do... its so completely true what they say... they don't come back until you have moved on. Keep gathering your strength. Reconciliations happen when YOU get to a place that you don't hope for it anymore. Remember psysara... :-) You are doing fantastic... you have moved on from baby steps to gazelle strides!!!
KitCat, thanks for your encouragement. I really appreciate it. My husband was here again today and watched our daughter while I went to another social event. The plans to visit his brother apparently fell through which was good. I don't know. My intuition tells me my husband no longer wants a divorce and wants to eventually fix things. Day-after-day there are many small subtle signs that things are headed in the right direction. There are at least five or six more things from today that signify we're on the path towards reconciling (but not there yet). That doesn't excuse anything that my husband has done and he may file for divorce tomorrow for all I know, but if he wants to reform himself and demonstrate change through actions over time then I could see us reconciling. Honestly speaking I'm not sure if I'll ever reach a point where I no longer wish to reconcile because he's the father of my child who used to be the greatest guy I ever met, but I no longer need him or rely on him. Moving here was my way of moving on. That marked the end for me. Next summer if I take our daughter to Europe we could potentially stay there for a long time so then we'll be even further away. I mentioned more distant plans to take our daughter to one of the Gulf countries someday where I can work tax-free and our daughter can go to a good international school and my husband said "we have to plan it then so I can come too...." I still have no idea what will happen but I do appreciate you sharing your opinion that you think reconciliation could be possible someday (under certain circumstances). I'll definitely share the outcome on this forum whenever we reach that point.
Steve, I wasn't sure. He didn't proceed with the plans to meet his family but I thought I read somewhere in the DB book that accepting family invitations is ok? I would have considered going because I didn't realize that could be cake eating but I did already have plans today. I went out to the event I had already planned to attend so it worked out ok. I'll have to be more careful about detecting cake eating....I tried really hard to stop it last fall but I may not be noticing it as much now. Thanks for that heads up.
There are at least five or six more things from today that signify we're on the path towards reconciling ......
I no longer need him or rely on him......
and my husband said "we have to plan it then so I can come too...."
I thought I read somewhere in the DB book that accepting family invitations is ok?
Nicole, with regard to the quotes above.... I would strongly caution you against reading too much into his actions at this point. He seems to be all over the place, and I just wouldn't trust anything he said.
I'm glad to hear that you are realizing how strong and independent you are, and that you don't need him. This might even be part of the reason he's acting differently. Keep it up!
I'm bewildered by his comment, though. It kind of reminds me of my W. Don't they realize we're separated, and getting divorced, because that's what THEY want?
As far as accepting family invitations, and invitations in general, I try to do what I want to do. If the event sounds pleasant, and I want to go, I go. If I don't want to go, I don't. But I don't go because WAW would like me there. Maybe I'm a hypocrite, or just bad at DBing, but when I'm there, I am aware that I should make the interaction between us pleasant.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Neffer, yes, I'll keep going. Thanks. It's hard when it's more of the same without any timeline for this to end but none of the alternatives are great either.
Ovrrnbw, I think what my husband meant is he wants to be close to our daughter and he doesn't want me to plan things without him. I obviously wouldn't take her out-of-the-country without his permission but that doesn't mean I want him to come if we're not together. I have no idea what he's thinking internally...maybe he's thinking we'll be a family again by then, or maybe he's just thinking he'd live nearby and visit our daughter even overseas.
Jim, that's right. He can't be trusted. Even if we try to reconcile someday I'll always be aware that he's capable of this behavior. I don't know what to think of his actions. I don't think one's intuition is a reliable indicator as to what's happening. I'm glad things are better but better doesn't mean fixed. This has been going on for so long now. It's three years now since my husband had his first known affair. Even now I don't want to get divorced, so we remain separated, but this causes its own psychological torture. It's kind of back to seeing all options as being bad - divorce is bad, separation is bad, and reconciliation is so hard and risky that's it's not a great choice either. Prevention would have been best. I wish we'd all have had the right skills to see what was coming and act before it's too late. For some of us counseling or just changing our own behavior may have worked. For others that still wouldn't have worked and we would have divorced a long time ago and have moved on by now. I guess all we can do is try to make the right decisions moving forward.
