I think anyone in this situation is going to be angry. I think us LBS's dont really believe its real, till the exit happens. Stay strong. Its still not over yet.
Blu, hugs. You don’t know how much your messages mean to me, I find a lot of similarities in our personalities. I have read your threads multiple times and the way your thoughts and values go are very similar to mine. You are on the other side where I can only hope to be so your advise is much appreciated thank you. I remembered how WH had said early on post BD that I am the most resilient person he knows so he is sure I will bounce back in no time. Wow such confidence in the W he is walking out on. Nicole, I know how busy you are to take time and give me strength is so kind of you. Cdn, thanks for your support
I am a waking emotional explosive today. I have such rage this morning I could murder someone, on top of it to actually not vent it to WH or SIL is a burden. They are still moving don’t understand why it can’t be done already and just be gone. I was rude to SIL yesterday, she was showing affection to D3 seemed so fake seeing how she is enabling breaking our home so I snapped. I told her to leave and just be in her room as long as I am downstairs and come back when I am gone. Very petty of me I know, but I couldn’t stand her. she will now snitch to dear bro but I don’t give a fudge. I have been passive aggressive with her in the past year and that is one of Hs complaint. He knew I didn’t want her living with us and still did nothing about it, I nagged him and was rude to her. Post BD I wanted to set it right so I went and sincerely apologized to her, I said I should have been more civil and I was ashamed I was not more mature, she accepted it, but ya I did it more to please WH. WH and I got her into a college, paid her fees which she still owes, housed her without a penny in return, got her a job with reference and this is how she repays But I know the anger towards her is meaningless, if he wasn’t wayward she would be normal and stay within limits I don’t know how to control this anger
Yesterday I GAL’d again leaving kids with WH in the evening. When he came home the kids and I were dancing to I am still standing by Elton John. We were singing looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid when he came home. As painful as it was I was laughing inside to the irony of it all. D3 made him join us, so we all danced together one last time as a family. I couldn’t take it for longer than a minute so I left
This morning I am feeling extremely angry and crazy depressed. WH has no idea how I feel, I have shut him out, he doesn’t deserve to know me anymore , I have fired him from that role. He just gets to see the happy me, the fake me, not because DB rules say so but because I don’t show my emotions to strangers.
I don’t know how I will make it through the weekend. I want my life back, I want my family, a happy home for my kids, I want the WH to go and bring back the person I married. I will vent away here, thanks to my whole DB family for your support
Arshi, Now is the time you need to stay calm , cool and confident. Not just for you but for your kids. It is truly great that among all this turmoil you can still give the kids a memorable moment with- I'm still standing song- Well done. These next days you need to really practice self compassion. Be mindful and kind to yourself. As always my prayers are with you and all the people here. Blessings!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Arshi, it sounds like you are being incredibly strong here - and you need to be for your little ones. This feet dragging your WH is putting you through must be torturous. How are the kids reacting to this theatre? Are you managing to shield them at all or are they full of questions? I am very new to this forum so I cannot offer any advice just yet, I am but a novice in these matters, but I am reading many threads and the devastation these selfish people cause to lives is just awful. What I am finding is allowing yourself to feel how you feel is good, then push it away and focus the mind on the next task at hand. Every day get a tiny bit easier. Doesn't it help being among others in the same boat?
Thanks LW and UK I am keeping D3 out of home as much as I can but she has ton of questions but I am shielding her to the best possible extent. I have a questions for the vets here, please help. I am not looking for an excuse to begin pursuing, I am done with that chapter but just trying to understand WHs psyche ( V, I hear you saying no reasoning there scrambled eggs for brains lol) When WH started shutting down on me pre BD I confronted him and asked why he was doing that. I said no body with any self respect should stand for this kind of treatment and he was vague with answers. Post BD I got desperate and started pleading. He brought up post BD that my original response was about self respect, that shows how egotistic, self centered and selfish I was and how he has suffered with such a person. He also said after that I started my begging but my first reaction showed my true colors. I know begging didn’t help, neither has my detaching since he is moving out. Could it be that my strength and resilience shows him that I don’t want him and he needs to feel wanted by words and action? I am not changing my current behavior though, I don’t want to tie someone down. I cannot shackle a person who walks out of MR. my mind runs crazy so just some questions that rumination brought forth today
Could it be that my strength and resilience shows him that I don’t want him and he needs to feel wanted by words and action?
No, your strength and resilience show him that you will be FINE without him. See the difference? Look, he is going to blame you, no matter what you do. If you begged and pleaded at first he'd fine something else to nitpick. You are falling for the classic LBS trap: you are believing what he says. You can't do that. The WAS RARELY ever says the truth. The truth is he is walking away for selfish reasons. He blames you for it to ease his own guilt.
DON'T YOU BELIEVE IT! In the scenario that you would have begged and pleaded right from the beginning, he would have said that your clingy-ness was smothering him and he just had to get out.
Excuses are like noses, everyone has one. He would have found an excuse even if you were the perfect spouse.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Arsh, Steve used an important phrase - 'selfish reasons.' Your husband chose to act based on selfish desires. You've probably done some selfish things in the past that upset him but we all do those things. It took a much greater degree of selfishness for him to walk out-of-the-marriage without regard to your feelings or those of your children. You can be sorry for your own selfish actions and he should be sorry for his - then you two could reconcile like normal married people. But no, instead of doing that your husband blamed you, didn't take responsibility for his own failures, and selfishly left. It's the saddest thing when someone tries to blame someone else for their selfishness. Anyway It seems asking him one last time to stay or talking to him at all wouldn't be helpful at this time. The maximum I'd consider, which is probably wrong and too much as well, would be an apology for anything you've done that you know really hurt him. I hope you make it through this weekend with your daughters. This is a brief period of your life but I'm sure you'll always remember these few days and how you felt for the rest of your life.
Steve, UK and Nicole thanks for the sane advice. and support. UK, yes, Steve is wise, he generally is a good reality check when you feel trapped in LBS land. I have learnt that months ago.
I survived the first S weekend. It was more like a beta release though, WH was home half the time. So Saturday the plan was for me to have both kids until evening and I had plans with D3 in the evening that I could not bring baby to. WH calls half hour before we are supposed to leave and says he cannot take baby as he still has things to set up in his apartment and he will take kids off of my hands on Sunday. I got angry on the phone and said we had discussed this and I had made plans for D3 for weeks so he offered to come late and take baby and said anyway technically it was my day to handle kids. So i said I can manage and that there was no point in us arguing. Got baby and D3 ready, loaded all food and supplies and took them out. Gosh is it hard to manage 2 small kids at a public event. We stayed for 2 hours instead of the planned 5 hours, by the end of which both were crying and I was a spectacle with families pitifully staring at my plight. But D3 did have fun for most part. A few acquaintances offered help, strangers showed kindness. On the way back home I felt overwhelmed and cried while talking to a friend on the phone. Since D3 started worrying I cut the call and concentrated on her instead. At home I fed them and got them to bed with stories and cuddles. WH did not come home for the first time. The next day he came early in the AM, picked the kids up and took them to his house. He specially has started using his house and my house in his convos. I helped him get the kids ready, told him I understand he is under a lot of pressure that kids may not get adjusted to his new place and that I suggest he bring some familiar toys to ease them into it. He said he already has duplicates of those and had thought of it himself, I just was quiet and cordial for most part. While the kids left though, I teared up, I knew it was only for the day and he had said he would bring them back home at night but the significance of it saddened me. Once they left, i called my parents had a pity party, watched some TV and completed the prep work for baby and D3 lunches for the upcoming week (Yes, I am one of those mommies who has to give them homemade food, no pouches or store bought preservative filled foods for either of them and I am proud of it). I got dressed and went to the movies. Got myself a huge popcorn and drink and enjoyed the movie (argh, no pop corn for one more month). WH sent pics of kids having fun so I got back to car and cried because I missed them. After a bit, dried my tears, put some makeup on and went back to watch another movie to drown my pain with some of Tom Cruise's noise and action. WH called multiple times because he had got back home. I texted saying unless its urgent I cannot pick up as I am at the movies. I wanted to still make most of the day and see the kids so I got back home to a not so happy WH and got both of them to bed telling them how much I missed them and getting extra hugs. So yes, I survived and realized I can do this. 2 days a week is actually time I need to get my ducks in a row and prep for the days the kids are with me. I am no close to saving MR than I was at BD but I have a better handle on my own life since I know I am my own best help. I have never watched a movie by myself let alone two, and well if the MR was good I dont think I could be able to leave the kids and binge on movies. I have child care arranged for a few days of the week to help me in the evenings. I am overwhelmed, crying, confident-like, angry all in matter of minutes but I am still standing. And I enjoy every minute with my children, if I get stressed and get angry at them, D3 points out it is not nice to be angry and makes me say sorry lol. WH as usual is aloof and when I saw him texting on his phone non stop I wanted to bang his head with a pan I had with me in the kitchen but I did shirshasana (yoga pose standing up on head literally) instead. I have decided to take either kick boxing or some other self defense class where I actually can vent out, I would love the release of some negative energy.
Arsh, I'm glad to hear you made it through the first weekend. I really want to see "Mama Mia! Here We Go Again."
I have trouble going out with one child many times. It takes nearly an hour to prepare everything and when we get back we're both tired and I have to put everything away and keep going with no break. Being a single parent is so hard. If you have child care to help on some evenings that'll probably save you. And that's good you can use the time when your daughters are with your husband each week to prepare everything for the following week. I also make everything homemade and I discovered my posture is becoming bad from bending forward all the time cooking and cleaning....I guess exercise and remembering to stand straight can help with that.
What's the status of the divorce papers? Are you waiting for them to be ready to sign? It'd be nice if your husband would realize that's not what he wants before the divorce is finalized but I guess that's unrealistic to expect. It's so great though how so many places require six or twelve months of separation before divorce papers can be filed. I wish that was the case everywhere.
It's normal to have so many emotions at once. You're doing everything right but that doesn't take away the pain or the shock of all this happening so fast.
What did your older daughter have to say about her day with her dad? Does she seem to be adapting ok? Will he always bring them back to sleep at your place or will they sleep at his place one night a week? I hope they adapt well and with their innocence don't even realize what's happening.
