WAS or WHAT 11

[roist]

Thanks for the feedback Gordie and sjohn. Best wishes

[roist]

Thanks Exquisitetobe for sharing this letter earlier.



Iknow every story is different with many similarities.

This is a letter wrote by a man who left is wife and kids for la-la land:

'Don't be me and live with regret': aman's letter to other men tempted to cheat 18:37 03/02/2015 admin

Jacob* left his wife of almost a decade for a woman he had been romancing online. But the grass wasn't greener on the other side. He shares his story with YOU.

"I was you 9 years ago.

Iwas married, had been with my wife for 15 years. Then I left her 2 months short of our 10 year wedding anniversary.

We were parents to two beautiful children, who are in their late teens now, but were only seven and nine years old when Iwalked out.

Itravelled for work, stayed in a different hotel at least three nights a week. That’s how I met Eve*.

We got to know each other over time. We became Facebook friends. We sent messages to each other all day and night. She was also married, also had two kids. We had so much in common, we soon fell inlove. I felt like she 'got' me.

This was all during a very trying time in my marriage. I wasn’t happy, I didn’t look forward to going home. My wife had put on weight, we hardly ever spoke, she always looked so miserable.

Little did Irealise that I was the reason she was so down and depressed. Ididn’t pay her any attention. I took her for granted. I was too busy wishing my life was more exciting, being romanced online, spending all of my free time thinking how I could get out.

Ibelieved she didn’t love me. I convinced myself she never cared about me or my needs and wants and wishes, that all I was was a paycheck.

She spent her free time taking care of us -- our kids, making our suppers, doing out washing, making lunches, doing homework, projects, shuttling kids to sport, taking care of the pets they loved so much, their friends, and had a job of her own on top of it all.

Every time she spoke to me, all I heard was nagging and whining. But she was actually begging for my attention: a weekend away, a date night, a movie -- everything I ended up doing with Eve behind her back and after I left my family.

We argued and fought because we felt unheard by the other. And yet that was all we actually had to do – LISTEN – to each other!

Imoved to another province with Eve. My now ex-wife got custody of our kids. I saw them every second weekend, the usual 'Dad' set up.

New beginnings

Life was sweet!

Eve and I had an amazing sex life. A connection Ibelieved I never had with my ex. We had a large circle of friends. My family loved her. My kids liked her.

But my ex could never bring herself to meet Eve – she felt betrayed. I hated her even more! She was childish. She was mean. She never cared about me or my happiness. I didn’t care about my ex’s feelings when I posted photos of us on Facebook… Ihad Eve and a whole new life and it was fantastic!

We were together for about six or seven years but never married – we believed marriage was not our thing.

Ibelieved that after 15 years with my ex, we’d given it all we could and our time together was up, there was nothing we could do to salvage our relationship or marriage. Eve was my future, Eve was who I should have been with all along.

Eventually, no matter how well we got along in the beginning; no matter how well I thought she “got” me; no matter how good the sex was; the “honeymoon” came to an end.

Eve and I started snapping at eachother. Little fights here and there. Ihad amoment of pure realisation one night, at about 2am.

Irealised that I missed the woman who created my first home and family. I realised that if I'd treatedmy ex-wife the way I’d treated Eve, used the hours I spend woo-ing Eve on my ex, she’d have bloomed.

If I’d stopped being negative about her and our relationship to my family and friends they wouldn’t have been so negative to her and she wouldn’t have pulled into herself and shied away.

She became someone I convinced myself I no longer knew or got along with because I never gave her the time and affection and attention she craved and deserved.

Ithought I had, but when I got down and really thought about it Inever really did. Inever really let her in. I had ended my marriage years before with the simple decision that she was no longer who or what I wanted. And I’d convinced my family and friends the same – that she was no good for me!

Regret sets in

But I was wrong. I missed the best years of my kids lives. Missed being a family with them. I let their mother battle with raising them alone. Yes I helped financially, but a man living outside his family has no real idea what the costs are on the single mother. While Eve and I ate steaks on the weekends, my ex-wife was living on egg and toast.

And do you know that she never complained? She never demanded more money out of me. She never stopped me from seeing the kids. Never said no if I changed plans on her at the last minute. She gave up her weekends so that my mother couldspendtime with her grandchildren. She left me to get on with my life with Eve, even though it must have killed her.

Like any relationship, it had started out good – great in fact – but when it go bad I decided to leave… I walked out and divorced awoman who – and I can only see this now –would have done anything for me. But I’d told myself she wouldn’t or couldn’t.

My ex-wife stayed single for 8 years. She dated but never got involved. Her being single was also a kind of affirmation for me – that no one wanted her – that everything I’d decided she lacked, so did other men… She actually stayed single to focus on our children.

Too late

And then came the day she met Craig. Inever thought it would bug me in any way if she got a boyfriend. I thought it would be great! But I was very wrong. I felt hurt. Ifelt jealous. Ieven felt angry and maybe betrayed.

She moved in with Craig, along with my kids. She set up a new home. A new family, with my kids… it was a very bitter pill to swallow.

Ifinally understood how she’d felt all these years. And it felt rotten.

Iwatched via Facebook and through conversations with our old mutual friends how Craig spoiled her and the kids. Their weekends were spent on the beach – he surfed with my son. They went hiking in the Burg. They went to Mauritius where he proposed on a kayak and she said yes -- they got married.

My daughter was a bridesmaid. My son was a groomsman. Craig’s parents and brother welcomed my ex-wife and children into their family. They told everyone how blessed they were to be gaining them as family.

She glowed with happiness. She radiated love and none of it was for me! My heart felt like it had been ripped out.

It should have been me.

Don’t be me. You think you will never be happy when you are in a rut. It is when you are there at your darkest that you need to grip down and try your hardest.

Today I live alone and still only see my kids occasionally. They are big now and harbour anger towards me for leaving them and their mother. Who can blame them?

Of all the things Eve was, she was never the mother of my children – my original true love."

*Names have been changed.

This story was submitted to YOU by one of our readers and has been minimally edited.

So many stories like this one.. will youstand? Will he/she realise? What will it take? Is it really worth it? The choice is YOURS..

[roist]

Yesterday we almost had our "annual" R talk. We have one a year the last few years!

Tuesday evening I had a weekly evening activity which is usually Wednesday but exceptionally was Tuesday this week.I mentioned this twice to W and once in text message on Monday. Tuesday evening I prepare to go and W is surprised because it's Tuesday! It was apparent she had a bad afternoon with kids and was surprised I was leaving. Pre crisis I would have stayed but part of my personal goals is to attend this activity. W was quite when I got home, so I went to bed early because I was tired. She stayed up later than usual

Yesterday she got up late and was zombie like. Shortly after she retreated back to our room. I went to check on her. She brought up how she didn't sleep well. How she watched two crappy films. How I made noise when asleep and how she heard me prepare breakfast for the kids woke her. I defended briefly my unavoidable breakfast noises and tried empathy. She continued about her bad day the previous day and why she was upset that I left, though she didn't criticise my leaving. Amidst the woe is me comments, some interesting comments were made:
# I seem to have a memory problem but it doesn't bother anyone but me. This is interesting because it's the first time she hasn't insisted that I didn't tell her. So I wasn't the scapegoat. It also highlights that she see's distinction within herself.
# I have so many problems I only want solutions. Although projected towards me as it being me to solve, it's also s rare occasion for her to verbalise that all isn't well for her. Plus she seeks solutions. Good starting point for her to heal imo. I won't be jumping in to solve though I am interested in hearing more
# is there any point in discussing problems, as that didn't work before. I asked if not discussing them have better results? A few comments about discussions being fruitless in the past. I replied that past results don't mean future ones cant be better. She asked how/why. I suggested we could take a different approach. She said to go ahead. I said I can't instigate an approach to something you haven't mentioned.(she never specified any specific issues/problems)
# I broke the conversation to check on my son who came downstairs. When I came back she asked if that was more important than this. I said I didn't chose priorities. I made sure all was okay and that he wasn't listening in. I added that with three kids in the house and someone expected shortly that this may not be the best time for a discussion. I proposed that we come back to it when no other distractions.She replied that doesn't work for us. I asked had she another suggestion. No.

Then the conversation ended with the arrival of someone yo the house.

There were other comments but through the sense of helplessness there seemed to be a genuine search f9r answers within her. I imagine she has a long path to go, but does deem to be soul searching. It could well be a way of trying to put the focus back on her as she is no longer center stage. Time will tell. Before this crisis and even early on I would have put myself under pressure to come up with a solution. I feel no pressure. I am still on observer mode. But I have outlined it here as a record for me and also to see what others think/advise.

I have the impression that this has been building up over recent months. In the build up to our crisis W would often.have said she doesn't (or shouldn't) spell out what I should do. I can understand that but in our current situation I am beyond playing games. I won't be guessing nor mind reading. If she wants to discus anything she is going to have to clearly put it on the table.

There is a chance this will die away for s few months to be hinted at again. If so, So be it. I will propose my availability to listen and discuss if she wants to develop on what she started yesterday. Yesterday evening she said not now. In our M I had a poor record on getting back to her on important stuff so I am willing to show that has changed, but I will leave her in the driving seat.

Thanks for reading

Best wishes

[Gordie]

Good job listening and validating

Nice to see some self reflection and awareness

Good for you for doing your thing and not apologizing unnecessarily

The thing about you leaving to take care of kid

My w gets mad and gives me the same is that more important q

So when we are engaged in the rare serious conversation

I do try my best to ignore unless there is a real crisis

And funny thing is if the kids are screaming and I am ignoring

Sometimes she will then say are you not going to deal with them

And I will say I this is more important

[roist]

Ah. D@mned if you do, d@mned if you don't. Know that situation too! That's why it's best to do what you want based on good intentions and your own moral compass. That eliminates second guessing and helps criticism flow off.

[job]

Here is the link I mentioned over on Westo's thread:

TMAK - Explanation of Reconnection (new)

It is listed as a link under the Resources Thread

[roist]

Thank you Job.

[roist]

As we head towards Christmas I wanted to jot down a few lines here. Unbelievably this is the fifth one that I am heading into since I realised my M was in crisis and that I wanted to save it. Even though my M is still in crisis, I thankfully am not. So I share a thought for all those LBS's out there having a tough time especially at this time of the year. One way or another it will get better. You can survive this. You will start to live again and ultimately you will thrive if you take the advice given on this site.

The last few years to varying degrees I have wondered if this was my last Christmas together as a family. By varying I mean from almost certainty that it would be to this year where I am relatively indifferent. If it is our last, then it is. It's five more than many here have after BD. So in that sense I am grateful. I am also grateful that I have bought that much extra time for my boys. They could handle a S/D better now if needs be.

I remember two years ago when I moved to the mlc forum, I asked Job and the other good folk if I was doing something right or something wrong to still be in a state of limbo together after two years of DBing. Two years further on i still am not sure which. But I can live comfortably with my decision to stand. One day I may decide differently but I accept the last four years as a choice that I made.

Without this place and other resources I would not have navigated my path in the same way. I have read and forgotten more about R/M in the last few years than I ever knew before. Even if I have not retained a large portion of this wisdom I still have better knowledge than most couples tha walk down the aisle. Iwish I had known more when I got married. I intend to assemble my learnings and thoughts so that my sons will have the tools necessary to make their M's work. I have a few years yet for that but still....

Before leaving I will update on one point that I mention a few times throughout my last thread. I redrafted a letter to my W W outlining how this situation isn't how I see myself living. I acknowledged and thanked her staying although checked out as most WAS just leave and how that cannot have been easy. I outlined what I want in a R. I put no pressure on her to act or reply but just wanted to clearly state my thoughts.

There was no formal reply to the letter nor any major change in comportment (positive or negative).I probably would have preferred some feedback but that wasn't the aim. I saw myself, coming yo a crossroads and preferred to indicate in advance. Raising the alert level as says Michelle. So for me that is done. Ironically my crossroad seems further away than before.
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Other than that I have been carrying on as best I can. Most times I am pretty good. At times less so. But on a deep level tthis journey has changed and improved me. My outer self will shine soon.

I am going to prepare a vision board of my aims and goals for 2019. It will be similar to a goals list but visual.looking forward to doing that.

Thanks for reading and best wishes for the festive season

[SBJ]

Roist, you have truly shown endurance in your marathon of MLC. I pray that your 2019 aims and goals are accomplished. I too am working on a vision board for the next year...I always do a written list, but I also wanted to see if I would be more successful with a visual board rather than a list. We can compare notes next December.

Keep on keepin' on!!!

[roist]

Not sure if my W noticed I had looked at vision boards on the net and YouTubebut she signed the kids up to do a visionboard activity in town this evening and asked if I wanted to go too. Anyway I did go. We each made one. They were fairly basic as we used whatever we found in magazines etc provided. Still a good activity.

Family was one of the key components on my W's board!! I didn't reaskher how she see's the family going forward without being a couple nor did I remind her that as I said recently our situation isn't the example I want for our sons. Anyway family figured on my board too.

SBJ. I will update you on my vision board, the more elaborate and specific one that I will make. I will post it somewhere in the house (probably gym or garage) so I will not picture all my DB goals! though was wondering about if karma sutra being appropriate

Thanks for your reply and support. I wish you well with your goals too. Happy Christmas
ffriend.