Is it absolutely necessary to do the remodeling prior to moving in? I can understand a remodel of a bathroom, but unless the other areas are a total disaster, I might want to think about waiting a bit. You may change your mind once you move in and want to do something totally different with the space. You don't have a lot of time to schedule someone to come in and do a lot of remodeling for you if you need to be out of your current place by October 1st.
I understand the need for wanting to remodel, but don't rush the process. When you do that, that is when things can go sideways. Do a little at a time and that way, you aren't pinched for money if an emergency should arise.
Just my two cents.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Congrats on the house. So very exciting! I agree with what Job said above. If there isn't an immediate need, move in and see what you really want to do. While 2 months sounds like a pretty significant amount of time, it really isn't much at all, especially when you factor in having to actually move and I would assume D10 starting school somewhere in the next few weeks and the need to get her settled into a routine. The 2 months will sneak up and fly by in no time.
As far as HC, I think a few others either flat out said or at the very least alluded to what I'm about to say, but you do NOT owe him ANYTHING. He rarely contacts you to see what is going on and even when you leave the door wide open for him to start a conversation in saying that your past few days have been eventful, he goes dead silent. Remember actions speak louder than words and his actions are absolutely screaming. Doesn't make him a bad guy or even necessarily the wrong guy for you, but he told you from the beginning he doesn't want a relationship and his actions continue to prove that. He seems to be in it for what he can get and what he can get is free dessert. You are more valuable than that. I'm not necessarily saying you should ghost him, but just let it go and if he contacts you, take it from there and respond as the mood strikes you at that time. Tell him you are interested in someone else or tell him this arrangement doesn't work for you or just respond to whatever he asks you then stop talking.........whatever works for you, but the point is, don't feel like you owe him anything in the way of discussing or explaining anything to him. He's going on about his life and you should go on about yours.
Good luck with the house and getting moved and settled. Such a very exciting time. And have fun with band guy. Sounds like he might be just what you are wishing for.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I understand the need for wanting to remodel, but don't rush the process. When you do that, that is when things can go sideways. Do a little at a time and that way, you aren't pinched for money if an emergency should arise.
I totally agree with Job! You can do a lot of the remodeling stuff and repair work yourself and save a lot of money while increasing the value of your house. If there's something you don't know how to do, then just go to YouTube and search it up. April Wilkerson is one of my YouTube faves.
I am not remodeling the whole home. refinishing the floors and the redoing the bath. everything else can wait. I have to do the floors because my house is so small there is no where to move the furniture if I am already in there. Best bet is to do it empty as per my realtor. The bathroom I also have to do before I move in, because it's only a one bath, so if it's under construction, I don't have a back-up. The kitchen is going to wait. I am working my renos into my mortgage. I'll be doing all the painting with friends, ect. I am so excited and nervous with this flood zone thing. I'll buy a canoe, I guess. My dad wants me to have a generator, so I think he is going to pay for that.
Had my second date. We went to dinner and just talked for 3 hours. We are both chatty which is good. He told me his whole story. It's kind of textbook with the WAW. I feel so bad, he tried EVERYTHING to make it work but she wanted out for another guy. My worry is, you know there had to be a caveat to this guy...... A few months ago he was in a year and a half R that ended unresolved. He told me he was in limbo for a while seeing if she would come back. he gave that up and began dating again, but says he is a little confused. I see my luck getting in an R with this guy, and she comes back and I am gone. But really, I can't write stories for the future.
Just now HC responded. "sorry for being MIA. it's been a crazy week at work and my kids needed some extra attention. What was eventful?" I don't even want to answer. I know he doesn't want an R, but there is common courtesies in this world. How long does it take to shoot a text? Like you said Dawn, he is showing me who he is. He is trying to keep me just enough hooked to get the booty.
Anyhoo. Busy busy. I get to dog sit while everyone is one the cruise, exH is dropping off the dog tonight. Tomorrow morning is the last morning I see my baby. I actually don't have much plans with all this free time coming up, but I guess I should start purging and packing! Maybe going into the dreaded home depot or maybe even ikea (meatballs!) and start getting some ideas.
What's stopping you? I said before and I'll say again, you do NOT owe him anything.
I'm glad your date with band guy went well. I wouldn't worry too much about the unresolved thing. That seems to me to be one of those "what if" kind of things and you can't what if yourself to death. It is really easy to do that, but you just don't know how things would shake out if this woman were to pop back in his life. Just enjoy the time and go with the flow. Don't get me wrong, I understand being on guard. Lord, do I ever get that down deep in my core, but it isn't necessary to do that to the exclusion of having a good time.
Thanks for clarifying on the house thing. I understand doing the floors and bathroom before moving in under the circumstances you mentioned. I can't speak for anyone else, but I guess I was just assuming other renos that I was unsure why they had to be done prior to moving in, but those 2 in particular make perfect sense to get taken care of before there is stuff and people in the house. This whole new house thing is so exciting for you. Woo hoo!!!!!!!! Good for you.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
So, I am pretty sure it just ended with HC. Here is out text exchange:
Me: Adjusting to single parenting and divorce while managing a full time career takes a lot out of you. I get that more than anyone. however, I never reached out to you or made plans, we would probably never speak to each other or see eachother.
HC: Perhaps this is a conversation that is not suited for texting, but that is a fair assessment and you have every right to feel that way. As I told you earlier, I realized I don't have the capacity to get into a relationship or even pretend to ease into one - I don't see one on my horizon. It isn't fair to you and perhaps I am keeping you at arms length much firmer than I should.
Me: I don't want this to end over text, I hate that.
HC: I am not ending anything. I am just reiterating my status and leaving it open for you to take whatever steps you need to take.
He wanted to meet for a drink to talk tonight, but it's my last night with D10. So we will talk on the phone tonight and I will end it.
What seriously disgusts me, while he is being honest (well, he wasn't completely in the beginning) he knows how I feels and won't say "this isn't fair to you, we should end it". Instead, his last comment said "I'd be happy to keep sleeping with you, but you aren't getting anything else from me: your choice"
And yes, that really stinks. I am sad. Frustrated with myself. Sick of being the woman who meets a guy who isn't ready and just wants to use her for sex and companionship. And I know that part is partially my fault.
I am sorry G but your assessment is accurate. I personally don't like him putting it back on you TBH. IMO he should be a stand-up guy and end it himself because he knows this will hurt you in the end.
In my sitch that is why I ended it with the widow because I did not want to do that to her so I stopped it before we got too far.
So, I am pretty sure it just ended with HC. Here is out text exchange:
Me: Adjusting to single parenting and divorce while managing a full time career takes a lot out of you. I get that more than anyone. however, I never reached out to you or made plans, we would probably never speak to each other or see eachother.
HC: Perhaps this is a conversation that is not suited for texting, but that is a fair assessment and you have every right to feel that way. As I told you earlier, I realized I don't have the capacity to get into a relationship or even pretend to ease into one - I don't see one on my horizon. It isn't fair to you and perhaps I am keeping you at arms length much firmer than I should.
Me: I don't want this to end over text, I hate that.
HC: I am not ending anything. I am just reiterating my status and leaving it open for you to take whatever steps you need to take.
He wanted to meet for a drink to talk tonight, but it's my last night with D10. So we will talk on the phone tonight and I will end it.
What seriously disgusts me, while he is being honest (well, he wasn't completely in the beginning) he knows how I feels and won't say "this isn't fair to you, we should end it". Instead, his last comment said "I'd be happy to keep sleeping with you, but you aren't getting anything else from me: your choice"
And yes, that really stinks. I am sad. Frustrated with myself. Sick of being the woman who meets a guy who isn't ready and just wants to use her for sex and companionship. And I know that part is partially my fault.
But I still have emotions around it. Ugh,
You know, I was in HC's corner until his response to you. MAYBE he's keeping you at arm's length further than he should? WTH? Seriously dude? And I totally agree with J9.....I don't like that he put it back on you. While I agree that it isn't necessarily a conversation to have over text (which I think you believe as well but you took a limited opportunity where you saw it, so I don't blame you for that, since your contact is so limited, mainly by him), it seems to me that if he was any kind of stand-up guy, he would've gone ahead and said yeah, not great over text, but you are right and I'm sorry we couldn't work it out (or something to that effect). But, no, he just tossed it back in your lap so that he can basically leave the door open to get some if you are still willing. Ugh............seriously? Now, before anyone else responds, I realize that I am mind-reading some as I'm not in HC's head so I don't know what his actual intent in what he said was, but G, since I know you and I think alike, I'd be surprised if your thinking wasn't along that same route mine is.
I'm so sorry it shook out that way, but I know you have better things on your horizon.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
