Thanks Helena, it’s very immature of him. He knows it will bother me so he is doing this to just inflict pain, not actions of a responsible adult. The whole drama has been childish in so many ways and I am struggling to be patient.
Nicole, all my in laws who originally were with me turned against me soon enough and their betrayal is no less than WH. SIL has decided to side with her brother, maybe she thinks zero cost of living requires that in return? Who knows what they think. It’s like the whole family has got wayward syndrome I stopped speaking to them once I realized they are causing me more suffering by being enablers I also think i channel my anger towards them instead of WH to somehow not build resentment against him. It’s all twisted They should move out in the next few days, I think moving out with a bag like your WH is more common. What my H is doing is full of uncertainty and deliberation leading to more confusion
Arsh, it's hard to know what your husband said about you to his whole family. Probably some true and some untrue things, but I'm sure it was spun in a way to convince them he's the victim and has to leave which of course is so unfair. The betrayal of the whole family must be devastating, especially as your children are caught in between. I still hope this is temporary. Your message reminds me of the last major issue I'm dealing with and would like your input - I'll post it on my thread later so I don't hijack yours.
Arsh are you still seeing your counselor? If so, I'm curious to know what he or she says and suggests at this time.
arrggh it hurts so much, I thought I had it together. that I was prepared but seeing it actually happen is living your worst nightmares. WH is moving out over the next few days starting today. SIL and he are packing and moving, really feel like the LBS now. How can anyone do this to their children? D3 will have her world shattered, i have to bear witness to her pain. I am DBing as if my life depended on it, I have GALd this entire week leaving kids at home with WH and SIL (he was angry that it did not give him a chance to pack), today morning while they packed I dressed well, looked pretty, was upbeat and cordial with WH and laughing with kids and dropped them off at school with extra hugs and kisses. Once i got alone in the car the dam broke and I cried. A friend of mine thinks I should talk to WH and tell him to not leave us. I know that he will not change his mind, but she thinks it at least will let him know that I think he is wrong to walk out on us, even though he plans on having children with him for couple of days a week. I have not asked him move out, so I should not ask him to run away from his family, am I wrong? Should I at least express a little bit of the anguish I feel inside instead of making it seem as if we cannot wait for him to move by being so upbeat? I still cannot believe this is happening, I did everything right in life, I studied hard, earned my undergrad and Masters in the technical field, landed a good job and worked my way up. Had 2 lovely children when we felt we were off student loans and financially stable, finally when things were to be on auto pilot he backs out. While my head knows if there is a chance of R, he needs his space to look within but my heart weeps for the loss. Well, now is the true test, I at least need to see him be a decent father and not abandon kids all together for me to have any respect for him. Once he leaves, the doors are only slightly ajar, he needs to earn his way back in. I hope god gives me the strength.
Hang in there Arsh. This is surely one of the toughest times that you will have to endure, but there is light at the other end of the tunnel.
It sounds like you are doing everything right with the GAL and allowing yourself to break down but in private. Don't change now. Keep up the DBing. Do you really think that he doesn't know that you want him to stay or that his actions are hurting you? If you share your anguish you are doing it to try to control him, to guilt him into staying - that just doesn't work. You are on the best path for yourself and your family. Don't doubt it now.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Do not talk to him. It will do no good. It can only do harm.
The thing is he knows you are anguished. He knew that talking about leaving hurt you and actually leaving hurts you. Showing it, telling him it hurts, etc won't matter because he has already come to terms with the idea that he had to hurt you in order to do what he wants to do.
We LBSs think we can always reason with our WASs. But we cannot. No amount of begging, pleading, reasoning, trying to show them the hurt they are causing, or any other words will bring them back. Or make them stay. Or give them a change of heart.
That is why DBing is the only hope. He EXPECTS you to beg him to stay. When you do not it will plant a seed in his mind. "Why isn't she more upset? Why didn't she beg me to stay? Why is she suddenly okay with my leaving?" Those seeds of curiosity are your friends. Those are the things that make him become interested. Even if only at first if it is to try to figure out why you behaved differently than he expected. Interest in figuring that out can grow into other interests. And once he starts getting interested again in you and your life without him, that is when he might come around to missing what he once had and wanting to do the work to come back.
You have to let him go to get him back.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Arshi, I just got caught up with your sitch. I'm soo sorry you have to endure so much pain thru this time. Having lived this scenario where my W just moved our almost 3 months ago i feel as a part of me left with her. To this day- although it is a little easier- I still struggle with hopes of my restored family. My S is away for the week so I just try to keep my hours occupied. In the days following H departure my suggestion is to set up a exercise routine. From my own experience I can tell you not only does it positively effects you because you are taking time to take care of yourself while excreting endorphins (making you feel good). As your journey continues you will feel better overall and the added bonus is others will see that too. I still get compliments on how I've lost 60 lbs. It makes me feel good and boosts my ego which we all need. On days you don't feel like exercising give your self an added push to get thru these bumps. it will pay off in the end. You've come this far- Stay strong . my prayers are with you and your family. Blessings!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Thank you Davide, Steve and LW for your support and confirming that I should not stop him. And truthfully, I do not want to, I want him to go. The very fact that a grown man wants to live away from his W and 2 small kids is repulsive and reeks of immaturity. What he has on the other side I do not know, sometimes I still analyze but most time I know it does not matter. I have a very busy life ahead, working a full time job, raising 2 small kids, managing MH and all finances and making sure I am the best mom should hopefully leave me no time to worry. I am letting him go, quiet, patient and upbeat. There is all the time in the world, nothing needs to happen right now, things will unfold as they are supposed to. I went to the temple this week and cried, and told myself we are all playing our roles in the story that God has destined us to live in. It will always turn out well, all you need is faith. Thanks for reading, I will continue venting here and showing WH only the happy me.
Arsh, my dear, please listen (read) carefully. I have been following posters here for several years now, and while I am no expert, I do have a strong sense about people. I am very impressed by your strength, courage, and vulnerability, and I think you are going to be fine, and perhaps even better, as time passes. You are a fighter and quite resilient, given your difficult circumstances. It is obvious to anyone reading here. As we navigate the rough terrains in life, we earn more badges of grit and power, which I believe further enables joy and a more genuine life.
This may be the hardest part of your sitch. Please, please give yourself a break. It will not be this way forever. It is perfectly okay to feel sadness and desperation right now. You are only human and this is more than you should have to endure. Your WH (and his family) are acting incredibly selfish and cruel right now. My sense is that he is on a destructive path (wayward or wayward thinking) and he is gathering his own troop of support, and more than likely has lied to them to justify his actions. He may even believe his own lies right now. This is a part of wayward thinking.
I am impressed at how well you are able to follow DB principles. You are doing everything you can right now. You are trying to create some space and take care of yourself, and you are still maintaining a civil relationship with him and not wearing your heart on your sleeve. You may not see it because your emotions are all over the map, but we all see it. You are doing great! Just take it day by day and breath by breath.
I posted today because I wanted to add that you do not have to be perfect. That is just way too much pressure for anyone. There is something called white anger and I would encourage you to let that in. A healthy amount of anger is necessary and it can also fuel some additional strength. You do no have to play nice with WH and SIL and "act perfect" all the time. These are just guidelines. He is being a royal A-Hole and abandoning his W and family. Doesn't that warrant some anger? I am not advising you fly off the handle or break the rules, by I am encouraging you to invite those feelings in.
I had a lot of anger when my H did what he did. Off the charts anger. There were many times it served me well. He also saw that I am a strong woman that knows my worth. When my H realized I was not sitting at home and crying, and waiting for him, he learned to respect me even more. A wayward will not run home to a doormat, someone with low self esteem, or if they think they can chit all over your life and just walk back in. Think about it for a moment ...
I see you as a very strong woman and your WH as a complete fool. I also do believe people can change. You will get through this difficult time. I believe in you. Keep holding your head up higher and higher, keep taking care of yourself and the beautiful girls, and just imagine a wonderful life without him. You can have that, you know. You do not actually need him at all. Please remember that this is HIS loss, not yours. When you are safe, or with your safe people, invite those feelings in. All of them, including the anger.
Take care, Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Hi Arsh, I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. This transition to him moving out isn't easy even if you knew it was coming. It's impossible to avoid that acute severe pain that comes with your husband physically leaving. You've done everything you can do though so there must also be a certain peace you feel about your own actions. Please keep us posted as to how it's going. I'll try to write more later today.
