Advice on my scenario pt. 20-Shock Therapy

[SteveLW]

And wanting revenge, and holding onto anger, keeps you trapped, not her. In a sense, you are still giving her control over you. Until you learn to let go of "need for justice" she will always have that hold over you. That is what I was getting at with this all meaning (and I know you already know this) that you aren't truly attached.

[TBSakaJ9]

Ok - You have to make your life so wonderful and filled with happiness that you no longer care about revenge, H’s code or anything else. It does take time to get there but that is a place you need to achieve. For me that will be my ultimate revenge.

[OrangeK]

Please stop using the word revenge. Its never what i said i wanted. I dont want revenge. I want equality.

Steve, Yes, i still have detachment to work on, we all know that.
I have a compunction to think my sitch has gone on for such a long time, when in retrospect it really is still quite fresh.
I posted about this yesterday. Your thoughts on that post??

Joseph, i agree that true apathy will be the best form of ascension.
Again i dont want to use the word revenge, as it is not what i seek.
Equality.
Fairness.
Balance.
Not Revenge. Revenge implies I want to see her brought low, simply for my own sadistic satisfaction. Not the case. That wouldn't do any good for me, and it would be detrimental to S3.

I want her to experience loss so she hits bottom and potentially (shot in the dark here, really) sees the need to go to IC, to look inward herself, as I have been doing, and strives to become a better person and mother for S3, and herself.
She is perpetually miserable, but hides it.
I dont want to R with her, but I do want her to be her best self. itll be better for all involved that way.
Just to clarify my want for "Revenge" H's Code, or whatever way you want to describe it.

[TBSakaJ9]

Just think about it OK...remember you have to play your long game. Slow and steady wins the race. Fast forward your life 5 yrs from now and you own your own home, are taking s8 on fabulous vacations and you have a job that you love, provides a great income, and you have a W that is totally in love with you.

Mean while you EW is with her 3rd guy, still lives at home and can’t provide for herself.

Is that equality?

[Ginger1]

there is still that pull of caring about what she is feeling/thinking. Because true detachment means you don't give a single bit about her feeling of loss, whether she stays with OM or not, etc"

I dont care about her FEELING of loss. It comes down to he justice / karma thing.
She simply doesn't deserve to get anything she wants, or feel successful in her R with OM.
I dont care if she is with OM. thats a fact i accepted a long time ago.

Hammurabi's Code. thats all I want to see occur Steve. Its only fair. I seek balance.

So, what if you don't get this?

I never got justice, my ex never got karma. Does he deserve it? Nope. But it is what it is.

Just is not always served. And rarely is it served in the way you want.

I got "mine" by not being in an emotionally abusive R anymore. I didn't get it in any other form that I originally hoped for.

So tell me, what is your game plan if justice is never served?

[OrangeK]

Just think about it OK...remember you have to play your long game. Slow and steady wins the race. Fast forward your life 5 yrs from now and you own your own home, are taking s8 on fabulous vacations and you have a job that you love, provides a great income, and you have a W that is totally in love with you.

Mean while you EW is with her 3rd guy, still lives at home and can’t provide for herself.

Is that equality?

Joe, good points. Let me dissect it a bit, for realism's sake.

"Fast forward your life 5 yrs from now and you own your own home"
Let's say "have a great new apartment".
The likelyhood of me buying a house in the next 5 years is QUITE minimal.
My credit is like 580. Im not saving money, paycheck to paycheck, as it has always been in my life (New England is an expensive place to live sadly.)
So barring winning the lottery or having some crazy new job with a 150% pay increase fall in my lap, i doubt that'll happen.

"are taking s8 on fabulous vacations"
Again, this will be tough to accomplish, road trips and camping, no problem. Jetsetting to Europe. Unlikely lol.

"you have a job that you love, provides a great income"
This is a more feasible goal.
My job i have now is good, gets me by, but its not my passion.
Im refocusing my efforts back to 110% on getting onto a full time Fire Dept.
I was HARD CHARGING at that goal when i thought my MR was going well, then BD happened when i was in my most recent Firefighter Certification Program, and it sapped all the passion i had for the job away for quite some time. My interest, motivation and determination in the regard is just now coming back. I take that as a sign of positive forward movement though, to be rekindling my old passions.

"and you have a W that is totally in love with you."
Here is where I diverge.
I DO NOT plan on getting married again within the next 5 years.
I moved WAY too fast into living with PDWIFE, Getting pregnant, engaged and married. All for nothing.
I need to put myself first, and If i were married 5 years from now, i would see that as moving far to fast and hard into a New R. I am not opposed to dating in that timeframe, or even being in a serious commited R, but married is a bit of a stretch. I will admit, at this juncture, getting married again is going to be a HARD SELL. Same thing with having other children. Im quite weary to trust someone that wholly again anytime soon.

"Mean while you EW is with her 3rd guy, still lives at home and can’t provide for herself."


This is a very likely scenario. If you have seen posts from me before about how closely PDWIFE has followed in her parents R footsteps. Apples, Trees, and the distance from which they fall and all that.
She is currently stuck between staying at her moms, or OM's parents house, as he also lives with his parents.

Mother in Law - on Husband #3, is 56 years old, has never owned her own home, rents a crappy little 2BR condo, of which PDWIFE allegedly lives at, with MIL, Step-FIL, S3 and a dog and a cat. The place is tiny and cluttered.
MIL works 3 jobs to pay for her silly mid life crisis lifestyle, and to support Step-FIL, who is a drunk layabout who barely works. Her 2nd husband lasted about 4 years, and she obviously didnt profit from either of her divorces...

Father in Law - Used to have a lucrative business, but tanked his company about a decade ago. He is 58, has had a stroke and a myocardial infarction last year, he lives with his 78 year old mother, and barely works. He has also been divorced twice, and the 2nd Divorce was really really nasty. because he molested his 2nd Daughter and got caught and carged. This is why neither he or PDWIFE are allowed to see his 2nd Daughter, PDWIFE's Half Sister. They havent seen her since 2007.

"Is that equality?"
Equality? perhaps not.
However it would be fitting for her to have to eat the meal she cooked for herself.
She would try to blame me or others for her misfortune, but her status is on her.
We had a nice home, good jobs, a comfortable schedual and supportive families.
If she chose to throw that all away within the first year of M, so be it.

[OrangeK]

So, what if you don't get this?

I guess ill just deal with it. Its not like ill wither and die without it. Is it what i want? Yea. Do i feel i deserve to see tihs occur? Yea. Does it mean it will, or ill see it if it does? No.
Will i survive? Eff yes.

I never got justice, my ex never got karma. Does he deserve it? Nope. But it is what it is.

That Sux. You deserve to know balance occurred, the Universe owes you that much IMHO. It still may someday, or it may not.

Just is not always served. And rarely is it served in the way you want.

Ok, so because of that fact, im not allowed to think about it at all? Want it? or talk about it?
I come to this board to vent and be honest about my internal emotions, and i feel as though I am given demerits more often then the topic is actually articulately discussed.

I got "mine" by not being in an emotionally abusive R anymore. I didn't get it in any other form that I originally hoped for.

Im enjoying not being abused anymore. Again, your sitch is your sitch, your feelings are your feelings.

So tell me, what is your game plan if justice is never served?

Put my big boy pants on and deal with it.
its not like its medicine for a terminal illness im talking about here.
If you have some image of me pining for this information and crumbling without it, please discard that image. For it is not accurate.
Just because i want something to happen doesnt mean I am vitally relying on it.

[sandi2]

Sandi - Does this sound like the type of "Losses" you refer to ?

With regard to a WW, it either has to be a particular consequence, or an accumulation of consequences, that are the result of her wayward behavior/decisions. I think she has to mentally make that connection. It opens her eyes to see her reality as a result of her choices. When her eyes are opened, the fog is lifted and the fantasy crumbles. Her mind can clear to where she can think objectively.

I want to go on record as saying that even if the WW gets her eyes opened...…..it doesn't mean she is going to do what she should, in order to straighten up her life. Okay? It's not an automatic fix. She may get her eyes opened, but that doesn't mean she'll repent. That's a whole other topic. WW's have a stubborn pride that will prevent some of them from apologizing or trying to right what they have wronged. So, it depends on the individual. Personally, I believe if the WW had formally been religious or morally upright, then those values will weigh on her heart......but then, some people choose to live with guilt, rather than apologize and do the right thing.

I hope I have answered your question.

[SteveLW]

Nobody is giving you demerits. We try to give you other perspectives.

For instance, you mention the "balance of the universe". That sounds fantastical. That might be the way things work in the fantasy realm of the games you play, or the books you read, or the movie you watch. But in reality that isn't the way it works. The rich get richer. Some people act like scumbags and skate through life. George Burns smoked cigars for most of his 100 years. Most people will tell you that you are lucky to live to 70 by smoking. Yet I've known people that never smoked a day in their life that died of cancer at 45. There is no justice and balance to a natural universe that has randomness within the laws that govern it.

Farther along we'll know all about it. For now we just have to accept that this is the way it is. Or we'll have a very miserable existence.

[OrangeK]

"Balance of the universe" was used for lack of a better term, but i do earnestly believe in Karmic retribution, that you reap what you sow and so forth.