I wonder what percentage of all our posts on this forum are written about trying to understand things we can never understand. How much time do we waste, including myself? I've been so bad at that.
This is called being human. This is called being a problem solver. This can lead to ingenuity and the invention of things that make life better. Unfortunately for us- we are trying to understand something that defies logic. We all have built in systems to want to repair what is broken- but what is broken in our spouses we do not have the tools or the ability to fix . They must take their journey on their own and hopefully come out better after the process. This is my wish for all of us here. Still wishing the best for you! Blessings!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Get most books from library Nicole, I have come to realize if I just wait a bit most libraries carry them and your local one can order one for you. I know what you mean by how R could be improving but we vent here about our frustrations. Again with DBing since we cannot be friends with WAS we cannot share our feelings with them so we vent here. Your WH seems to at least try to connect with your D frequently so that is definitely an improvement. i love what Sara said to think of your S as if he is on life support. I tell myself a ton of these things too - he is leaving because he is mentally ill - it is similar to taking a job somewhere far away and being able to see kids only for some days a week ( i have no explanation of my absence in this imaginary excuse) - he has already died and this is someone else in his body - maybe I will really do something out of the ordinary that other moms will not think of doing just living their regular lives whatever lie we can tell ourselves to make this more tolerable, just a different version of act as if. I am sure you being strong and sounding detached to him is helping, you are in no hurry, so best to wait and watch how it all unfolds. Hugs - arshi
Hi LoneWlf, yes I guess that's human nature and it's hard to accept that there are things we just can't know. On the other hand, this phenomenon seems to happen often enough, with the same patterns, across the population that you'd think by now there'd be some studies or a more scientific explanations that could help us understand not just what's happening in the moment but what's likely to happen in the future. I think these do exist but still have limited applications because human relationships vary so much. I don't think I could ever be a psychologist. I'd go crazy! I'm glad your faith is helping you to survive this journey. I have doubts about my own faith but I'm still trying to accept there's a greater plan that doesn't take into account what I want or thought I had.
Arsh, I'll soon be working full-time so I need to learn how working moms find time to register at the library and go there alone to search books! There must be a way, but I'll have to figure out what that is. Whenever I take my daughter to the adult section of the library it doesn't last longer than 30 seconds before she gets too noisy. I found that a lot of books are available for a low price on Kindle or you can order a bunch of them used for cheap and just pay for shipping, but again, how do full-time moms find time to read those books!? Especially if there's no father in the picture to help out? I have to start adapting my life! I hope your journey towards being a single mom will go smoothly and you'll also find a way to adapt according to the new routine. That's also good you're rationalizing what's happening to yourself to get through it. Sometimes we have to tell ourselves anything just to survive because otherwise we'd fall apart.
Hey Nicole, there's an app called Hoopla and if you have a library card you can check out E-books and audiobooks through that. Some libraries offer this as well.
The audiobook might solve a problem for you. I've been listening to a ton of Neil Sattin podcasts on Spotify lately. He even has had MWD on a couple times which is awesome!
Last edited by ovrrnbw; 07/30/1809:14 PM. Reason: spelled Nicole's name wrong
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Ovrrnbow, yes totally. I wonder what percentage of all our posts on this forum are written about trying to understand things we can never understand. How much time do we waste, including myself? I've been so bad at that. You seem like you're making great progress on your journey!
I have spent SOOOO much time trying to understand things I will never understand. I like to think I'm so much smarter now, but maybe I'm only a little smarter. Still a work in progress!
It seems like sometimes yes and sometimes no as far as progression on my sitch. But as I progress, I tire of the games of the WS, tire of living like this, the ups and downs.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
KML, I will definitely check that in the near future. If I end up commuting on public transportation then I'm thinking that's when I'll have time to read electronic books.
Ovrrnbow, I'll check Hoopla as well. Thanks. A lot of books are free on Kindle through Amazon prime but it's good to know there's another easy option. I'll check out the Neil Sattin podcasts.
Overnnbow, in your case the ups and downs with your wife have been wild. She's going to burn out at some point. You've been through a lot. Your story is one of the more extreme that I've read here.
Full time job and managing little ones is so hard Nicole but well that’s what we are dealt with right? I also believe it will not only make us strong but it will show the children what a champ her mom is. And that she can take on the world to provide the best for them. Your D will see the winner you are
Arsh, thanks. I hope so. I'm meeting with my employer in two days to hammer out a deal. I'm going to ask to work 8:30 AM - 2:30 PM and then 9:00 PM - 11:00 PM. I hope they'll agree. This would allow me to pick up my daughter at 3:00 PM and care for her myself until she goes to bed and then still work eight hours per day. I also suggested a temporary three or six month contract but I don't know if they'll agree - if it turns out that I'm losing money by working full time because I need to hire more help then I hope to return to being a consultant. All of this would be a lot easier with a husband who shares custody and helps out but that's not an option so I'll strive do everything alone. I know I won't be the first or last to do this and neither will you. It's unfortunately common I'm sure for single moms to also be breadwinners but I just don't know any women in real life who are doing that except for maybe some of the cleaning ladies I've had in the past but even they had their moms watching their kids while they work. These kids deserve the best life possible. I hope the hardships we're all experiencing on this forum are temporary and things will improve for us all.
