A man of action is much more attractive than one taking notes.
I really don't want a D but at the same time, yes I don't want to be ripped-off by W in a D so will have to take advice on that front.
Something I've just realised... I was very independent before I met W. She was living with her parents. I somehow ended-up feeling like I was her parent doing almost everything at home myself and I was getting fed-up with her emotional immaturity dealing with any issues. W has left to go back to living with her parents and I've become independent once more.
I have been taking action in many ways - lost a lot of weight, exercise, look better, getting jobs done at home that had been a source of conflict etc.
In the last few days I've built a little bridge with MiL (who wants us to split and now lives with W). Yesterday, I took the kids out on my own for the first time and had a great day of fun. W even came into the house for an hour (despite having sent a legal letter to say she never would) - and I was blase about it.
Next, I'm going to treat myself to a couple of purchases, take a trip to stay with a great friend that I've not seen for years, and I want a holiday on my own with the kids.
A phycologist has told me they think W is playing games. I hadn't thought much about it. However, thinking back, W had been doing a smirk at times when I thought she was telling lies and I'd caught her out, and doing it when it seemed she'd been deliberately trying to start arguments. I have now found there is a name for it called Duper's Delight.
I also noticed that her behaviour can go from very happy to awful within a second like it's all an act. I've also noticed that she acts to get sympathy and attention from others. Her support network is now 3 stubborn single mums.
She has left me, so why the need for doing all that BS?
Regardless, detachment and to rise above it still seems the best policy to me.
Oh gosh... 3 days ago W actually came back into the house for about an hour. I thought it might have been a tiny, tiny bit of progress.
Tonight, W called as scheduled to make plans for me to see the kids. W was in a very bad mood. I was calm and polite. I asked her to speak to me nicely. I reminded her that I'm the father and have as much right to see the kids as she does.
I then went for a walk feeling a bit wound-up at how W was towards me.
I thought 'If leaving me was to be some great utopia then why is she so unhappy in a bad mood with me just like before she left?'. I thought perhaps she's feeling guilty about something she has done and trying to justify it to herself, or perhaps about to serve D papers, or perhaps jealous that the kids are missing me,... or perhaps... or perhaps... and then I started to smile because I was going home and looking forward to enjoy the rest of my evening in peace.
DavidUK- to me it sounds like your W is very ambivalent about the whole sitch, but you must detach and don't let her moods to dictate your life. I think you are doing really well actually. And in your place I would ask myself a question if I really would want to be with a person who has treated me and still continues to do in such a disrespectful way... maybe she is confused and doesn't know herself what she wants, and in a way is testing your reaction.
W34 H61 M1 T3 June-H said he wants divorce but hasn't filed. Living and sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy from H side for last 12 months.
I thought it might have been a tiny, tiny bit of progress.
Hi David,
You say you are not reading into your interactions with her - however the above comment and recent posts still indicates that you still are.
Obviously you want to try and understand what is going on. But no matter what your psychologist says, no matter how much you think, no matter how much you try and work things out in your mind... It is wasted energy as the end product will still be the same unfortunately.
There will be no progress at this time. So please understand that you will find NO solace or answers reading her behavior - as it is the behavior of someone who does not have your best interests at heart anymore. She is feathering her own nest and to be honest it sounds like she is treating you badly. But this is only happening because you continue to allow it to happen.
All your strength should be on rebuilding your life and your outlook on the road ahead.
I know you don't want a divorce... but it is probably going to happen sadly - I think that is something you need to fully accept.
If you fully did, It wouldn't matter what say says or does or constantly thinking about why, it would be water of a ducks back.
I have never taken drugs, don't gamble, don't smoke, never cheated, women seem to find me attractive, responsible with money, enjoy cooking, good in all kinds of social settings. I have done some really cool things etc. I have done a good job raising my young kids pretty much on my own and they are doing extremely well at school. They are fab and no trouble at all.
However, I realise that W can be like a selfish spoiled kid and I've grown increasingly tired of it. She didn't ever want to talk sensibly about any relationship issues. I know what kind of relationship I would like. I had thought S could be a good thing for W to sort-out her own issues. As far as I'm concerned she needed to do that even if we were still together.
I have no idea where W mind is at. A few weeks ago she said to me "Gosh you're tall". I thought 25 years together and she says that... and then I realised... I'm walking taller... I'm not stooping down to her level.
I am getting a lot better at detaching because I'm tired of all W lies etc. I really don't want a R like that.
However, I do want to understand so that I can learn and help me to move forwards. Learning is helping me to detach because the more I learn the more W goes down in my estimations.
I have received a message from W to say 'the kids are tired so don't want to do whole days out'. Ummm... there is no chance the kids would say that. W got very curious when I took the kids for a whole day out last week for the first time on my own (and W hadn't known in advance where we were going). The kids said it was amazing and were so, so happy. It seems that W doesn't want me to do that again. That's her problem. W will just have to get used to the idea that I can have great family times without her.
This morning, W dropped off the kids in the rain and W got out of the car to talk. I stepped back a few times and W stepped towards me.
I had a good day out and forgot about W for a lot of the time. It seemed nice just the 3 of us.
Later. W collected the kids and asked if she was allowed into the house. I joked that she was banned. The door was open so she walked in. I was surprised that W made a comment critical of her mother (who lives with her and wants us to split) and then said "you know what she's like". W paid me a compliment about my weight-loss. W spent about 3/4 of an hour in the house and seemed more relaxed than the previous occasion. It seems strange that nearly 2 months ago W was threatening me with solicitors letters saying she'd never come back into the house. Now if this goes true to form, she will be in a bad mood the next time I hear from her, which should be tomorrow.
Phew just as I was typing that W called and came back to the house as one of the kids had left something trivial behind. W could have stayed in the car but came to the door.
I'm trying not to read anything into it but it is interesting to observe now that I'm feeling more distant, feel more self-control, more disiplined.
