Just dropping by to give an update, I have been reading a lot havent had the heart to post anything. I read all of BluWave's threads again, I find it very helpful. I read all of Sandi's wayward threads, although it is for WW I could find a lot of things applicable to my sitch, I am quite certain H is WH so far no proof of A. He has been buying stuff for his new apartment, his behavior is actually quite amicable. He slipped in 'honey' 'baby' and other monikers but I felt it was emotionless and just manipulative at this time. I neglected them. I have been minding my own business, I have actually become a pro at avoiding him, not making convos, being just with kids even when he is around and overall just making practical arrangements of what I will need from next week when he moves out. I dont cry at every thought anymore, I am more involved at work and able to focus on just myself and the kids, so some wins there. Last week I came across an old T shirt of his, from days when our MR was at its zenith, perfect frequency and harmony and I cried holding it. I grieved for the MR that it could be for decades to come, I mourned for the companion and soul mate I thought I had and have lost. This person is not the one I loved unconditionally, I have made mistakes, bitter tongue being the biggest of them but this inferno is not the just punishment for it. Well this pity session lasted for about 30 mins and the rest of the days I have finally found my anger. seeing how cruel it is to BD your W of 10 years when she has a nursing infant of 10 weeks, how heartless it is to consider breaking up a family of such beautiful children. My big realization, I deserve better, my children deserve better. We want him, but the better him, the one that can earn his place back. It has taken me 5 months to get to this place and boy did I fail so miserably the first few months. It is a leap for me though, from contemplating killing myself 4 months ago to knowing I will be okay and my children will flourish with just I raising them is a milestone. Like most LBS I play a million what if scenarios for when he comes back. Yes, I also believe it is a When, I know I should not count on it but well sometimes your heart just knows. May be I am ready for a 2x4 here but I do feel, we, the children and I are too good for anyone to just lose. For you see, I know we are perfect, I have my flaws that I am working on but looking at the general public out there, we are golden. Well, that is enough self pep talk, back to being humble. The dynamics are shifting I think, maybe he sees that I have let go a bit, maybe he is planning his next move, either way there is at least peace now. In the meantime, I have found my lost backbone too, it was bent and now I am back baby, bring the verbal attacks on, I will smile and walk out. On the mediation front, the document was supposed to be sent 10 days ago, no news. I know better than to think he has stopped the process. There was a clause he wanted to add and I said No so he is planning his next option. I continue being the light house, I feel more like it also, just installed a dimmer on the lights this week though, keeping it dim for now so we both have time to learn from our mistakes. I will keep adjusting the dimmer based on the progress I see. As always thank you for reading, my DB family you give me strength and hope, I wish I had people in real life I could be so open with.
Welcome back Arshi, He slipped in 'honey' 'baby' and other monikers but I felt it was emotionless and just manipulative at this time. This shows growth in detachment where what he says good or bad had little effect on you. Good Job!
Well this pity session lasted for about 30 mins and the rest of the days I have finally found my anger.
It is good to let go off that emotion now use this anger to fuel something great!!
My big realization, I deserve better, my children deserve better. We want him, but the better him, the one that can earn his place back. We all need self reflection to better ourselves but we also need to realize that we too deserve much greater things that the WAS was giving us. Let us remember this should we decide to move forward with a R with or without WAS.
Arshi- you have done one heck of a job keeping it together. The road will not be easy but the rewards at the end will be abundant. I continue to pray for you and your family. Stay strong! Blessings!
We all need self reflection to better ourselves but we also need to realize that we too deserve much greater things that the WAS was giving us. Let us remember this should we decide to move forward with a R with or without WAS. I should have typed- we too deserve much greater things the WAS was NOT giving us.
Last edited by Cadet; 09/14/1811:10 PM. Reason: combine posts
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
It is good to hear from you again. I understand about not having the heart to post for a while, I have felt like that a lot myself. I have to say that you strike me as a beacon of strength in how well you have handled a nearly unbearable situation. Don't beat yourself up about any mistakes you made along the way - you have done an incredible job surviving and eventually thriving under horrible conditions. Celebrate the progress you have made.
It's also great to hear that you are allowing yourself to feel your emotions and let them out without getting consumed by them. That is so hard for me.
You do deserve better. Maybe it is with your WH if he comes around, maybe it is a new relationship. Whatever form it comes in, I am confident it will come to you.
take care of yourself
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Thanks LW and Davide, well it is a roller coaster right. Today I was on a play date for D3 and my friend kept asking me where H was, there are a lot of couple friends we used to meet and from last 6 months only I show up. Initially everyone thought it must be hectic with the baby but now people have their doubts. I cant even share the pain, I am a very private person by nature. She told me her dad was sick and in the hospital and I cried like a fool, I dont know what happened I just lost it. I havent done this in the last 2 months. Soon after BD, I have behaved pathetically, cried in public places, had to run out of meetings at work, been held by stranger in a public restroom because I was weeping uncontrollably but have been able to hold myself in the last 2 months and only cried in the shower or bedroom. My friend didnt know why I was weeping for her father being sick and was telling me she is sure he will be better. Gosh I am going bonkers. H is calm, our interactions minimal, no arguments of any kind. The fact that he will be moving out soon is bothering me. I will never stop him, my head knows it is for the better, distance and time will bring him perspective and give me space to heal, but my heart weeps. I packed my life in suitcases and followed H half way across the world leaving all friends and family behind. To build a life from scratch to make something of our own. 10 years later he is walking out after having 2 children. My only guarantee in life was him, my life with him, it was not meant to be this way especially for my children. I am not prepared to see my children miss their father for most of the week, I am not prepared to tell D3 why her daddy will not come home everyday from next week. I am overwhelmed with the responsibilities of 2 small children, a full time job and maintaining the MH. I need him out like yesterday and I dont want him to go. God give me strength. My daughters need me and I will save this for them some day.
Arsh, maybe 'someday' is a key word to focus on. Nothing sounds like it'll be good in the short-term. It'll be hard for you and your daughters. Trust me it was terrible when my husband left again last summer and our daughter didn't understand why we moved and he wasn't there and he'd come and leave and I was crying and she'd be crying as he left and yet he still did it anyway. Kids do adapt to change but the bigger concern is how it'll affect them when they're older and better understand what happened. If your husband comes back in the next few years this should have minimal impact on your daughters when they get older if the marriage is totally rebuilt and becomes stable again. And if you and your husband carve out an amicable relationship even if you stay divorced it seems that will help your daughters a lot. There are a lot of good things that could happen someday....hope is sometimes the only thing that can help us survive the misery we feel right now.
I know what your going through... someone says a little thing and you break down and are a total mess. I've been there too. Picture a big burly guy bawling at a grocery store. Cause he and his 2 daughters had a routine. They got free cookies and we visited the next door pet store (aka the free zoo ). Now your there by yourself.
Its the little things you miss.
But it does slowly get better. You become more focused and in the moment when you are around them. Your spouse will prob experience this too. Might help you both. Live in the moment.
I think you're doing all the right things, but I feel for you because this is still painful. I am always there, walking with pain I never had. You always 1 story away from hearing just a little too much, and losing it! I hate that, but it's getting better for me and it will for you too.
You have those 2 girls to live for, don't ever forget that you still have blessings!
I would forget all about that t shirt, get rid of it, whatever you have to do.
And the next time he calls you baby, you don't have to say anything, but maybe just give him the "WTF" look. At least I'd have a hard time not doing that.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thanks Nicole, cdn and ovrrnbw for your support This week and next SIL is at home. I have mentioned how SIL has lived with us in the past and it did not go well, she moved back in again over a year ago and despite my protests H made her live with us and this was a huge stressor for my sitch, I nagged and he distanced himself. Now they are moving out together , leaving his wife and kids and setting up a place to support sis. She travels for most weeks so it has not been that bad but the next 2 weeks she is at home mostly to help pack and move out They keep discussing how to set up and what to buy for their new place right in front of me all the time. So I have decided to just stay out of the house for most of this week. I was getting ready to leave when H said he is busy with something. I just responded that I was going out too and the both of them can feed the kids and get them to bed. He must have been irritated just said OK. The older me would never leave the kids with them and GAL, but hey I have kids all the time so it’s me time for a change especially when he has his dear sis to help. I worked out at the gym until I felt dizzy, will stay for bit longer and go home. I will be sure to thank them for watching the kids, he may read sarcasm in it but I will be genuine There is hardly any convo between H and I, I follow the rules and don’t initiate neither does he. I am not able to evaluate if I need to change this in any way My attitude might even feel aloof with no convos I feel like he is not even remotely attracted to me anymore, nothing I can do about it to change him anyway I make sure to dress well and look pretty, I know I don’t lack pretty, god only knows when he stopped seeing it
On the plus side watched a tedtalk from Guy Winch on how to mend a broken heart, I highly recommend it for those of you who have not seen it yet
The next few weeks will be really hard so I am trying to stay strong as much as I can
Hi Arsh, that is so incredibly thoughtless for them to be discussing things like that, like theyre decorating their new dorm room or something. So insensitive and delusional for a grown man with children to treat this situation as anything other than difficult if for no other reason than the children. He truly is deluded and I hope for your familys sake that it is temporary and that reality hits hard once the newness of this little adventure wears off. Bc the newness surely will wear off. Good for you for refusing to let them do it in front of you. Glad you got in some physical activity, it always helps to shake things off. Hugs.
M: 43, H: 44 Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs S17, D15, D8, S6 Still living in MH
Arsh, it's sad to hear you need to be subjected to that kind of talk. It's also unfortunate your sister-in-law, as a fellow woman, doesn't show sensitivity and has lived in your house with your family and doesn't show the respect you deserve. It's good you went to the gym to get out-of-the-house. My husband's brother lived with us for a few months once and it was terrible. I don't know how you've managed it all this time! It seems at a minimum it'll be nice to re-claim your house for yourself and your daughters.
When listening to your husband and SIL talk about their new space you almost have to recite a passage from the Christian bible. Jesus said "Father, forgive them, they know not what they do." That captures what appears to be happening with your husband and SIL with their cruel actions. They are acting foolish and don't realize what they're doing. You can wish evil upon them or you can wish for forgiveness for their foolish ways.
When are they actually moving out? It seems this process is taking a long time. When my husband moved out the first time he packed up and was gone within one day. You're enduring a lot of additional suffering as they slowly pack and plan their move. I hope it happens soon.
Arsh I do believe your situation will get better soon. Your husband appears to hold a lot of resentment against you and he appears to enjoy making you suffer as a way of getting back at you. Once he's gone he'll lose that control over you and the whole situation. The dynamic will change. At some point your husband will realize he got what he wants and then what? I believe then he'll start to reflect on everything. Even then he may want to relish in his freedom and enjoy his new life for a while, but slowly he'll start to feel the loss of his family, he'll miss the comfort of home, he'll be hit with the stigma of being a divorced man in your culture, he'll discover the burden of caring for the children alone when you're not there, and he'll come to the realization that he can't just stop by your house every day (if you make it clear he's not allowed in). He'll be a lot more humble as he goes through this whole process. If you can just hang on and keep doing what you're doing it just has to get better soon.
). Now your there by yourself.