Kml, maybe so. In my mind I was thinking divorce will force my husband to face reality, look at numbers on a piece of paper (he has no concept of a budget), and realize how expensive divorce is and how he's losing financial freedom to gain his freedom as a bachelor. I guess justice is the wrong word but I wish for him to feel that he's also losing something. In January he said he'd give up everything to gain his freedom. I hope he's figuring out he can't just have total freedom with no consequences.
Yesterday I took my daughter to a lake where my husband and I used to go. It was across from a grocery store where we were shopping and I said "let's stop by the lake where your father and I used to go and feed the fish." Later when my husband called our daughter on facetime she said "today we went to the mommy-daddy lake...." My husband asked me if that's the lake across from the grocery story and I said yes. He said "yeah" in a very sad way. His eyes were already puffy and then he started crying and said he had to go.
There's still nothing at all from my husband about being sorry or reconciling. I know there may never be. But for now I think the party is over. I have a feeling the 26 year old broke things off a while back. Now my husband is jobless, alone, and probably can't stay living in our house. He might be gaining just an ounce of awareness as to how badly he screwed up.
Nicole, it looks like he's been slapped with a cold, hard dose of reality, and doesn't like it. Good. I don't know about you, and maybe I'm not as big a person as I should be, but I would have a certain sense of satisfaction about that. Karma.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
What goes around comes around, he needs something strong to wake him up. Hopefully failure on multiple fronts will do it, but you cannot take him back as is even if he comes around. Stay strong Nicole he brought this on himself - arshi
Jim, Arsh, and Neffer, thanks. I agree. He's still not coming back though....probably only feels sorry for himself.
I know I've been utilizing this forum heavily lately but I want to add another thought. This is what seems to happen - last night I took my daughter out on a stroller ride. We were enjoying the nice weather, laughing, and smiling, and suddenly my husband calls on Facetime. I hand the phone immediately to my daughter and she talks to him for a minute. Then he asks to talk to me. He said he's coming to visit the first weekend in August. I said "Great!" and nothing more. Then he said he's talking to an employer, conveniently, in the town where his family lives, about a temporary job. He said he hopes he gets it because he can visit our daughter more often. I said "Great!" again and then handed the phone back to my daughter. I just couldn't talk to him. His visits disturb our lives and I just can't be happy if he conveniently finds a job near his family's house. He already has a bedroom there. He and his brothers will live like ten year old boys with their father and maid cooking all their meals, cleaning up after them, and doing their laundry. They will lounge around playing video games and sleeping in and when he feels like it he will come to visit our daughter. I have so many negative thoughts about that. Here we are, his wife and child, living on our own, and he still after everything isn't sorry and he expects me to be happy to hear that he might be closer so he can visit our daughter?! So then of course the pleasant evening we were having isn't pleasant anymore. I can let my husband go action-wise, and be self-reliant, but I can't totally stop my thoughts. I know the reality is that my husband is still just thinking about himself and doesn't care about the welfare of my daughter and I. So even right now, as he confronts his failures, he's still not waking up and he's still not sorry so I doubt this situation will ever improve. It's so hard knowing I wasted all those years of my life helping someone and investing in someone, as well helping and investing in his whole family, just to be treated like this. I'm really, really sorry for my bad actions and I've repented before God repeatedly. I know now there's nothing I can do, so I just say "Great!" and hand the phone back, but it still affects me internally. I'd rather he stay living far away than to be nearby with "his" family while his abandoned family continues to struggle alone.
You live, you learn N. You don´t waste life N, you live life. You grow, you become stronger. You raise your D. Life is about love. You give love, you get love. You don´t waste life doing that.
You are the lighthouse. Light is on
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Neffer, I'll keep trying harder. I'm not constantly crying like I used to do, so I guess very slowly I'm learning, but you're right our time is so limited and I don't want to waste life. My daughter is also doing really great and I'm thankful for that.
Can we encourage you to start with baby steps? As I see it, you have so much potential of having a long, full and beautiful life. None of this needs to be hinged on anything to do with your WAH. It is all inside of you. How can we help you slowly shift your focus to creating a more beautiful life for you and D? I am referring to a life where whatever your WAH does/says or doesn't do/say no longer affects you, no longer affects your mood, your day/week, and how you live.
You see, even tho he has been checked out for so long, you (and only you) continue to give him complete control. It only takes a visit, a call, a conversation, or anything having to do with HIM, and it completely dictates how you feel and react. This is an extremely unhealthy level of codependency and as I see it, the reason you remain stuck.
Whether he is falling flat and comes running back or out shagging another young hotty in Dubai, does not have to control your life. You, and your D, deserve a life of love and happiness. That, my dear, starts within you. You have got to choose that you are happy and will be okay regardless of what he does. You have to believe this. How can you start taking baby steps so you can detach??? That is step one.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
How can you start taking baby steps so you can detach??? That is step one.
Blu
Boy, I would love to figure this out, too!
I think, for me, it's just time, distance and GAL, but due to our schedules, there has to be a so much communication and coordination that distance seems to be very hard to come by.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
