It seems that I was right why W wanted to take a photo of me.
"The process server (of divorce papers) will need a recent photo and description of your spouse."
I mean, I think she could just take a picture of you without needing the kids or a pose to function for a process server.
I think you are spending all of your energy trying to analyze her reactions in so much detail. I think it's a waste. I recommend to have patience and in time, her intentions will reveal themselves.
Maybe instead, continue to focus on what is important. Securing your time with the kids. GAL. and so on.
It seems like there are a LOT of school events, and each time, there is a lot of interaction between you and W. How can you start to be darker/more mysterious towards her?
"I mean, I think she could just take a picture of you without needing the kids or a pose to function for a process server.
W never takes photos of me and none exist of me with my new look. so I thought something was wrong when she said it. W said she would take one photo of the kids together then each of us separately. I just avoided it but she still seemed to be pointing it towards me at other times.
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"I recommend to have patience and in time, her intentions will reveal themselves."
I would like lots of time to process what has happened but it seems W is moving fast. She has told the kids that she wants the family home sold (where I still live) and that "it won't take months and months" so I'm expecting D papers very soon.
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It seems like there are a LOT of school events, and each time, there is a lot of interaction between you and W. How can you start to be darker/more mysterious towards her?"
You are right. There have been a lot but it is because it is the end of the school year. Summer holidays start in a few days. W is taking kids away for a week soon - I am guessing that is when I will be served D papers. W is also avoiding talk of when I should have the kids during the school summer holidays. I think the last thing I said to her was that with everything that has been going on that I want a stress free summer to chill-out.
I wake-up crying every morning knowing my W and family are gone from our home and all our future plans that I was so looking forward too have been destroyed. I miss my family life so much.
In addition, finding out that W had planned for divorce whilst we were still sleeping together, had tried to get me into trouble (and failed), refuses to talk about our relationship, and seems to be heading towards issuing D papers any day soon as she's told the kids she will be moving within months and wants the house sold. It is totally overwhelming.
DavidUK- I haven't read all your story just this thread but it sounds to me that you are hurting a lot and maybe you can answer this to yourself but perhaps a lot of your hurt is self-inflicted?
Just realise that you are going through a process and one day (totally depending on yourself) you will come out of it , sounds like you are grieving for the life you dreamed and unfortunately it didn't happen that way. Well, welcome to life. I know it is easier said than done- but these events truly make us who we really are but by all means it doesn't need to define you. Inside you, insead that core DavidUK- lies someone who stands above all this sh** and only you know what is that person like.
I realise that your W has already left you. So my suggestion is to toally refocus from her to yourself. Do your best to distract your thoughts and focus on your own life and your children. What is the fun thing you would like to experience yourself today?
Your W will do what she will do, you can't influence her but you can show her what she is going to lose. Stop initiating all relationship talk. And even if you D - I promise you there is life out there and someone else for you. D in the UK takes time, and I suggest you just deal with this as cold heartedly matter of factly as you can. Leave emotions aside in this and think for yourself and what's best for you.
I have been through D once, and I am trying to avoid the second one... but inside I know, even if it happens- it is mean to happen but yet I still want to do my best and be the best person I can be regardless of the outcome.
W34 H61 M1 T3 June-H said he wants divorce but hasn't filed. Living and sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy from H side for last 12 months.
I think W is going for a quick divorce so it might only take about 4 to 5 months.
I have been through bad times in my life before, know myself well, and what it takes. I have done all my personal goals. I then dedicated myself to my family. I know that I won't be able to get over this. W was the only person I fully trusted. My soul-mate for 25 years became someone who was abusive to me and lied. I can't believe how low she has gone.
School reports arrived today and the kids have done amazing. I was their main carer so I know I have put in the hard work to help give them the best possible start to their lives. D will mean that I won't even be able to afford to live in the local area.
I would like lots of time to process what has happened but it seems W is moving fast. She has told the kids that she wants the family home sold (where I still live) and that "it won't take months and months" so I'm expecting D papers very soon.
You have all the time in the world. The divorce decree is just a piece of paper. How would it really change your life. Even if you get divorced, theres no rule that says you cant remarry. I
My point was not that her actions will revealed before D. Maybe they will, maybe they wont. But someday, her motives will be revealed.
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W is also avoiding talk of when I should have the kids during the school summer holidays. I think the last thing I said to her was that with everything that has been going on that I want a stress free summer to chill-out.
I dont understand what that means...Shes avoiding talking about it, so youre just dropping it? To avoid stress? Im sorry, but I dont understand.
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I wish I knew for sure if there was an OM/OW.
What would change if there were?
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I know that I won't be able to get over this.
Then you wont.
How can you reframe this to the version where you can acknowledge that this situation [censored], but you ARE strong enough to endure and overcome? Instead of wallowing day in and day out, how can you take action to protect yourself and regain control over your life's direction?
I dont understand what that means...Shes avoiding talking about it, so youre just dropping it? To avoid stress? Im sorry, but I don't understand.
I want to see the kids a lot during the summer holidays without the stress of dealing with divorce/relationship stuff, so I hope that if W does serve papers then it won't be until after the summer holidays.
I know that in about a week, W and her parents are taking the kids away for a week or so (when I'm guessing that D papers might be served) but W still hasn't told me the exact dates. I've said I would like to take the kids on holiday the following week but I can't book anything yet until I know when they will be back.
Im not sure not having stress or dealing with divorce is something you are going to be to avoid unfortunately.
But what you can do is re frame the moment from (look what I have lost) to (this is an opportunity to improve and move forward).
You said yesterday you wont get over this... that is utter nonsense.
You have based your self worth and existance as being a family man and husband - but they are roles - not you. These roles are functional - but in the same way a convenient hiding place for us to shy away from our basic fear of being unloved and alone.
No one will love you like you can love youself.
Go read Maika's thread and his latest posts. Its a long ride buddy, but is 100% necessary.
The breakdown in my marriage was the most important event in my life looking back - and that included times of suicide and depression. Its all part of the process.
I wake-up crying every morning knowing my W and family are gone from our home and all our future plans that I was so looking forward too have been destroyed. I miss my family life so much.
Really sorry you're going through this. I can relate to how you feel though, as I'm sure many others here can. Between dating and marriage my ex and I had 25 years together. We had investments, retirement plans, everything planned out. When all of that is ripped away it is devastating. But that's life for you, the more comfortable you get then the more likely life is going to throw some ugly curveball your way. Divorce, terrible illnesses, sudden deaths, it's all on the table. You just don't know it. That was one big life lesson for me- plan for the future but expect the unexpected, because the unexpected IS going to happen. It's not a question of "if" but "when".
Regarding Benito's point, you need to quit concerning yourself with "take action A to get reaction B out of wife" and just take action A because it is right for you and what you want. Benito clung desperately to his W like so many of us did. It wasn't until he well and truly accepted she was gone and got about the business of working on himself that she did a 180. The way DB'ing works is you focus on yourself and your kids and be the best man and best father possible without concerning yourself with whether it will bring your W back or not. As long as you hold that rope she will run and run and run. Drop the rope and she'll stop and look back and maybe even reverse course. The irony is you've got to get to the point where you no longer care if she comes back before she might.
