Arshi - I second what Blu and Nicole said about there being an A or at least a fantasy of an A or a different life. My W couldn't wait to get everything done. Within a week she wanted out of the marriage, sell the house, and get everything separated. She had an EA, even if she doesn't recognize that it was an EA, with a guy who was going through challenges in his marriage and they bonded over that. He even physically made a move on her and she refused to talk about it with me. This was when I was still weak and not having found DB, that I just kinda took it meekly and didn't give her some repercussions.
At one point after BD, she told me about her fantasy of moving to a bigger city and having a downtown condo and living a large life. So, even if she wasn't contemplating an A with this guy, she was definitely in fantasy land. With DB, I finally got out of her way and got my space and now she's dealing with whatever fantasy A or real A that she thought she was getting into. She was also on her phone a lot and leaving rooms to chat or text etc. It was ridiculous.
But yeah, doing everything quickly and moving so fast is very suspect.
Thanks LW, ovrrnbw, ballast and Maika. It makes a huge difference when I see there are others who support me and share my pain. I read replies here multiple times in a day, I must have read Blu’s at least 20 timesby now. All your support and encouragement gives me strength so thanks so much There are a lot of red flags I realize that. A quick D without even an attempt at saving MR, secret phone usage, losing weight, more emphasis on dressing these are all glaring in my face. At this point denial is more of a decision on my part. It is easier to be strong if I think of him as an irresponsible immature individual rather than a cheat, I have decided to let him be innocent unless proven guilty. These are all conscious decisions with all the facts leering at me. Either way, the kids and I don’t need a broken unsure him. We want a strong husband, father, a respectable family man. What he has in us is what most people would kill for. Good incomes, healthy adorable children, a beautiful, loyal, intelligent wife (oh ya I have always been out of his league had forgotten it with self pity last few months), a great home All in all a piece of heaven, if he has decided it’s not for him then we will carry on with our summer picnic until he gets back to his senses. Even today I still want him back and always intend to. But for now like you folks point out , I am letting him go live his fantasy and realize what he has lost. The way back home will be paved but there will be self improvement speed bumps for both of us to get back to a healthier place
Great attitude Arshi. Never let yourself, for one second believe that he can do better than what he already has with you. It's hard to maintain that self-esteem in these situations, but you sound like you are staying strong.
Me: Late 30s WW: Late 30s M: 12 S: 7 BD: Late April '18 (Wife left next day) OM confirmed: July '18 (20+ years older)
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. - Psalms 34:18
Arsh, I don't think we're allowed to post links here but I finally found one fairly legitimate-looking website that says "Research suggests that 82% of people experiencing a crisis during midlife regret divorcing and leaving their families based on irrational thinking about what their life is like at midlife." There are no citations for the 'research' so we don't know how it was conducted or whether it's valid, but that's at least some kind of statistic.. A lot of people here sound like they don't want their spouses back after this has gone on long enough, but if you still want yours back, it sounds like there's a high chance you'll have this opportunity. Perhaps that helps just a little.
Arsh, the good thing is there appears to be total consensus on this forum that your husband isn't leaving because you were too controlling or because you didn't support him enough while he was depressed.
Arsh, I missed the fact that your husband was depressed. My W also suffered depression, so I bought "Depression for Dummies" or one of the similar books. Something that still sticks with me is that something like 95% of marriages where one person is depressed end in divorce. Some because the non depressed spouse can't take it anymore and says "I quit," but about half because when the depressed spouse improves, they feel like their spouse didn't support them adequately, and don't feel like they can rely upon them in the future
The latter is what happened, partially, to my marriage. But it's not fair. You and I handled it the very best we could. The very best we could. Personally, I think my W's expectations were wildly unrealistic.
But none of that matters. You could have been a paragon of "wifeness", but he probably just couldn't see it through the lens of his depression.
I guess what I'm saying is, yes, some of it is probably on you. But a lot of it is on his perception of you, and you can't change that overnight. Give him time, give him space, and hopefully he'll return, physically and emotionally.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
DB, thanks. I write and voice out these things to make myself believe in it, there are times the same day where I am miserable too. Nicole and Steve, thanks I am looking up both articles to read. Jim, thanks. yes one of his major complaints is I was not emotionally supportive thru his depression when I was pregnant last year. A lot of this is on me, as an adult half of it is my responsibility and I should look into fixing what I have failed at. I strongly do believe he will get back, I do not know when and I am not planning D items based on this belief for whenever he returns it will have to be a fresh start between two better people. Until then, my children need me and I need them more.
He is buying crazy number of toys and clothes for kids to keep at his new place, keeps asking me for their size and other questions about household stuff. I have stayed to the point and answered just the questions This morning D3 discovered a box full of toys meant for her that he plans to open at his new place, she insisted on having them. H lost his temper at me because he didn’t know how to handle the question and I think I blew it too, but most of this not In Front of D3 H - why are you f***ing with me showing her these things I - she followed me and found them herself I am not f**ing with you H- I am struggling here and you are pissing on my parade making things harder I - I am not , this is all your game, your way, not anybody else’s H - I am done arguing with you it’s beyond that point
I left room stayed away for 30 mins calmed down and went back in and things got back to normal. The normal being bare minimum convo, I happy with kids and he doing his own stuff. Why does he want my opinion on things he buys for his house? Is it pouring salt in the wounds on purpose? He Is still good with kids, spends good amount of time and handles them well. How is he expecting to see them only for couple of days a week soon? How will he be emotionally ok with that? It is like twisting a knife in my heart when I think about those times that D3 will miss him and cry for him It is very hard to see there is a better ending to all this
I do not think he will just stop coming home once he moves out. He will drop in often I think but well no telling with him. Either way I am not going to allow cake eating, it’s either with family or his single dad and bachelor life. The decision is his, the choice to stay strict with it is mine God I need strength!!
Last edited by Cadet; 09/14/1811:08 PM. Reason: combine posts
How is he expecting to see them only for couple of days a week soon? How will he be emotionally ok with that? It is like twisting a knife in my heart when I think about those times that D3 will miss him and cry for him
Arshi- this is a tough one even for my sitch with S15. To know at one point that your spouse help create and bring this individual into the world to nurture and love only to now turn their backs and only focus on their own needs. It makes us all wonder. For my sitch my W in over 2 months that she has gone has seen my son a total of 3 hrs. I know she is reaching out to him via text but if it were me- to not know what my dear son was doing would kill me. She has yet to ask me for an update. As you know I will not initiate contact. My feeling is once a parent has a child-they can longer play the "poor me - my feelings before my child " card. Unfortunately when they walk away from the relationship all they are worried about are themselves. As always - stay calm , focused and confident with your priorities in check. Blessings!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Arsh, when does your husband actually move out? It seems at this point it's best just to countdown. It sounds like these temper outbursts will keep happening until he's gone. That's really bad.
When you talk about seeing the kids a couple days do you mean like two days in a row? He probably has enough to look forward to on the other days that it's worth it for him to see them only on those two days or whatever. Or like you say, he still thinks he can just drop by every day to see them so he doesn't mind how many days they actually stay with him. It's good if you're strict and don't let him keep coming over because it'll hurt your progress and make it harder for you to recover. Nothing your husband has been doing, or plans to do, takes your feelings and welfare into account. And if your husband thinks he's being a good dad by buying toys to keep at his new house, he's not. Being a good dad is trying to fix the problems and stay with his family. What he's doing is selfish and cruel.
I feel terrible for your kids just as I feel sad for my daughter. We can only hope your husband will wake up in a year, come back begging for your forgiveness and ready to change, you'll take him back under strict circumstances, and your daughters will never, ever even know or remember that this happened.
in the name. It was 7 regrets about D.