Afraid of the dark PART 3

[Ste7e]

Ugh but I have to be honest with myself I have been pursuing the whole time. I go dark then we talk and I pursue pursue pursue...I just had it in my head that we could be civil and friends and even if I could actually have done that WAW has made it clear that she can’t and I need to respect that.
Please everyone 2x4 me I need to hear it.

[Vanilla]

Being civi (friendly) and being friends are two different things entirely.

I believe you can do the former and not the latter.

This requires a shift on your part.

Instead of saying do not peruse, do not peruse, do not peruse, I must not peruse, I am persuing. STOP. The brain doesn't process that word 'not',

Instead say I am happy being friendly and I live my life to the full in excitement and anticipation of each day.

So 2x4 avoided from V.

V

[Ste7e]

Well the past couple days have been anything but pleasant.
I received an unsolicited text message two days ago from WAW saying
“Ive been thinking alot about what you said the other day. The road to reestablishing friendship is going to be long and slow, while I am very happy to hear you are having breakthroughs and excited about what you uncover I cant be the person who takes on that emotional component for you”
I responded by agreeing and not giving excuses.

I then received a phone call from WAW to navigate further division of property with which I did quite well with total detachment. I have just accepted that I dont want anything and shecan take whatever she wants...it was all hers anyways or things she bought. She is coming by tonight while I am at a meeting to get the rest of her stuff.

Although my behavior and ability to face these conflicts headon and not lose my cool show a major improvement to me. I have also caught myself doing pursueing actions a few times and stopped myself which is amazingly powerful!
I have just been on an extreme roller coaster of emotions behind closed doors. The highs are great and I feel super pumped and can see the improvements I am making in my life and the lows just blindside me. One day at time I keep saying.

I keep hoping that somehow we can Rec but I understand it wont be now or prevent the D.
I need some hope to cling on to so that I dont give up...I dont want to ever be with anyone else but the idea of being completely alone is the most terrifying thing I can think of. But I know I need to lean into my fears and believe in my convinctions.
I need a pep talk!

[LH19]

I cant be the person who takes on that emotional component for you”

I dont want to ever be with anyone else but the idea of being completely alone is the most terrifying thing I can think of.
I need a pep talk!

S,

In the first sentence she is telling you that you can't dump your emotional baggage all over her. My guess is you did this during the marriage and it was a big turn off for her. That was your job to be the rock for her not the other way around.

You have to stop with the negative self talk. Terrified of being alone? Do you think that statement is attractive or repulsive to a woman? Trust me, you will want to and will be with another woman.

You have a lot of work to do in regard to your self esteem and I would suggest you get into IC immediately.

STOP ALL PURSUIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT NEVER WORKS.

GOOD LUCK.

[Benito]

Hi Pal,

Saw your message on the other thread.. is there anything in particular I can help you with?

[Vanilla]

OK sit by V and listen.

The inability to be alone is a serious issue. It reveals poor emotional regulation.

It isn't a question of tolerating yourself.

It is essential for YOU that you can enjoy your own company and stillness. To really love being you all on your own.

It is a big one.

I suggest that you consider yoga and meditation. Look at mindfulness programmes such as head space. Write a journal, for some reason this inability to be alone and comfortable without WAW is a shortage of self soothing abilities.
LH is spot on with what he says and I think this runs deeper.

Can I ask you what you need to do to enjoy you?

V

[Vanilla]

You know I have been reflecting a little.

The ability to be alone, meditate and connect with your higher self, it creates love for YOU. It is enough to just be, you are perfect just as you are when you are alone with your higher power.

I am deeply concerned about this, it really bothers me a great deal.

V

[Benito]

Read - Co dependant no more by Melanie Beattie

[Ste7e]

Benito - thanks so much for dropping in over here, I guess what I seek from you is some “manly” advice on how to tighten up to be the best me if WAW or someone else comes along later...mostly seeking some encouragement...I have read codependent no more twice now. I also go to Al Anon and have really been working on this area of my life.

V - Ok we are really getting somewhere now! I am definately going to take this to my shrink next week... I need to go deep and try and understand why I dont like being alone. This is something I deeply want to change for myself...and can see that this is the work I need to lean into. The two things which come to mind immediately are:
1.) I actually spend and have spent a great deal of time alone already, which is confusing because this is something I already do...so why am I afraid of it? On my road trip of the last 45 days I ended up spending several days a couple times completely alone and was having a really good time too.
2.) my WAW when she BD said to me “why dont I love myself” and I am doing a really good job of taking care of myself now and go to yoga 5 times a week and meditate daily as well as eat right now and do other exercise...this is all a huge deal as 6 months ago I could barely get out of bed and was 50lbs heavier totally depressed started to be anxious all the time and was becoming agoraphobic. I feel like these things are all behind me now but when pushed I have to admit that I still dont love myself or rather I dont intrinsically love being just with myself....but I seem to recall that I used to?

[Vanilla]

It bothers me quite a lot.

Being alone and occupying yourself to assuage being alone. 'Business' is different from 'stillness'

Just being is enough. We are human beings not doings.

Know you are enough without doing. It could be that your interactions with W have meant you surrendered or perhaps considered it was inappropriate. I suspect a skewed belief not helping. Unsure.

I had this issue: not being enough, but it exhibited in a different way. I wasn't fully connecting to my higher power and taking extreme care of V. Being alone wasn't the issue, being present and alone was.

I am having some conversations with another poster in Newcombers Hongaku who is a newbie and struggling with the early stages of this, those you have already mastered, can i ask you to check in on him please?.

So in essence ste7e we must go deeper to discover where the resistance is in your sitch. What is the blockage?

Will be interested to know.

V