Re: Moving past the WAW to a stronger me Pt. 3

[Davide]

I am feeling incredibly down right now. Just alone and sad. I think the two straight days of 9 hours in the car took something out of me, combined with the recent contact. I haven't been exercising much at all since Saturday. That can't help. I am tired both physically and mentally. I just feel at the end of my rope. It's not the same anxiety as before, just physical and mental exhaustion.

I am at a conference with lots of sessions and other teachers to meet and talk to, but I am finding it exhausting to sit in a chair and pay attention for hour-long stretches at a time. I go into each session with a positive outlook and an intent to be mindful, but I quickly feel it slip away and my mind begins to wander. Last night I ate alone, which I have done plenty of on this trip, but I dread doing it again.

I talked to my IC for an hour which was fine, but not very productive in my opinion. Going through a "constructive problem solving" activity which I already knew the answers to was not very helpful. I realize that I lack patience, but on dark days like this I feel like I am spinning in circles and going nowhere.

I should be doing yoga right now, or driving out to a climbing gym, but that requires more energy than I have.

[Davide]

I remember people telling me here that I wasn't depressed before BD because I snapped out of it almost instantly into a high state of anxiety.

Well, the opposite has finally happened. I have left the anxiety-ridden state that I have been in for the last 3.5 months and have almost as quickly fallen back into depression. It literally happened almost overnight. My appetite which has been slowly returning has come back full-force as I feel compelled to eat nearly constantly (in an attempt to numb?) My energy for exercise is gone as is any pleasure that I derive from it. I forced myself on a bike ride yesterday evening, to do yoga for 30 minutes this morning, and to rock-climb this afternoon, and I more or less hated every minute of all of it. There wasn't even satisfaction for getting it done. I can't force myself to concentrate in the conference sessions I am in for more than 5 minutes, as I constantly distract myself online. I am listless. I have no desire to do anything. I see absolutely no future for myself nor do I really care to make an attempt to create one.

I have finally returned to the creature that drove my W away. It is pretty pathetic. With the benefit of retrospection I can see what an awful person to live with I must have been. I don't even want to live with myself like this. The worst part is that all of the positive changes that I thought I was making have evaporated into the ether. The positivity, the gratitude, the mindfullness - I can't summon any of it. I don't have the energy or desire. All of the bad habits I had, the numbing activities, the defeated attitude, they have all returned with a vengeance.

I question what brought this on. I had an interaction with the W, but I have had many of them, and this one was not particularly bad, just more of the same bad. Perhaps this is my reaction to finally giving up hope and accepting my MR and any hopes of R as a lost cause. Is this what happens when you let go of the rope and fall to the bottom of the abyss? I have returned to the city and to a conference full of people after spending much time alone in the desert, or with one solitary friend. I feel more lonely in this large group of people than I ever did in the desert. I can barely make myself talk to any of them and have dined alone 2/3 nights. Being around so many people in the state I am in makes me feel like a fraud or an impostor. My IC has gone on vacation and is not nearly as available any more. My posts on here go unanswered. I haven't spoken to family or friends in days, and feel no desire to call them in the state I am in. This is the black hole that sucked energy from my W until she couldn't take it anymore.

One day of wallowing I could handle, but now it is two in a row and I just feel like sh#t.

[arsh18]

Davide stop wallowing in self pity, your W left you poor you and now you can’t hold it together. That too after the awesome break you got , going to one good place after another. Dude seriously snap out of it because nobody is coming to save you or help
Your posts don’t get answered ? Seriously have you ever seen how many vets take time out of their lives to advise all of us?
I have been there , through it all, realizing what a wretched person I must be to get dumped so unceremoniously, cried in public places, took D to a children’s birthday party where all the laughing people made me throw up, I literally did puke, cried until there really were no tears left anymore, contemplated ending my miserable existence thinking it won’t even make a difference. And then I saw the 2 innocent faces of my children and realized they need me, I thought about my parents and realized I make a difference to them, I still do this every single day.
We all have these days, some ups and most others down. Find what works for you, if you cannot find a single person who genuinely loves you, go get into some charity. You give so much love to those who were not even born as lucky as we were. Find what makes Davide tick, find a purpose outside of your MR
Our spouses don’t define us, we all come alone and go alone, everyone, every relationship in between are all just co passengers who travel with us part of the journey, how long that journey is with others is pre destined. Leave it all to the power beyond us, this too shall pass

[Davide]

hehe... that made me chuckle.

[arsh18]

Good, I am glad now let’s all go back to being awesome

[hongaku]

Davide, don't be afraid to call family. Even if you just sob uncontrollably half the time, your loved ones only want to help you get through your pain. It's been almost 6 months since BD for me, and most days lately I feel like it might as well have been last night. I've long suffered depression as well, and it is definitely something that drained the love from my W, too. I finally got past the shame and fear of seeking help for it (sadly, right around the time just before BD) and for me, IC alone is not enough and medication has absolutely kept me from the abyss of that self loathing, self defeating, "I'm a piece of s**t" attitude that depression smothers you with. Sadness and pain over the sitch is a different feeling altogether. No matter how devastated I might feel and how much I might fall apart with longing for my W and kids, I can still find the motivation to keep up my exercise routines and do the little things I can to take care of myself and keep working on being a better me. I'm not saying you should get on medication, but it may be something to consider if you really have had longstanding depression issues.

Don't give up on yourself, you have made tremendous progress. You are awesome, don't forget that. Seriously.

[NicoleR]

Davide, if you have a history of anxiety or depression then it may not be something you can control if it's caused by a chemical imbalance in your brain. In such case you'd need medication right? Otherwise my suspicion is that neither a big group of people nor a solitary existence are the best fit for you at this time. It seems having contact with two or three close friends may make you more comfortable. If you don't have such friends I know there are anxiety and depression support groups in almost every city where you could meet some people going through the same thing. Regardless of your religious views, going to a church would likely help you to meet supportive and understanding people even if you don't plan to attend permanently. It's hard to walk into a new church or into a new group of people when you're feeling this way but sometimes you have to force yourself. I've never felt quite the way you describe but there are many days when I've felt totally lost and ungrounded without my husband. It's hard when you know you're pushing away the person you love and you can't give them what they need to stay. This is a challenging time in life. If you have the financial means I know there are online counseling services you could try by phone that could connect you with someone while yours is on vacation. One other suggestion is to try "Natural Vitality's Calm" a magnesium supplement if you don't have any health conditions that would prevent you from taking it. It doesn't do much for me but I never take the full dose. A lot of people swear by it. Arsh's suggestion about charity is a good one - if there's a volunteer opportunity even one day per week to help some people less fortunate that could really help turn things around for you. Even visiting a lonely elderly person in a nursing home - they have all the time in the world to sit and talk and they probably have a lot of wisdom to share. I'm confident you'll be able to take a few steps to help lift yourself out of this state until you find a few individuals to better support you. It feels impossible sometimes but you almost need to take yourself out of your body and just do it. I'll keep you in my thoughts! There's no name or face but I'll look out for your next update.

[ballast]

Davide, you have been a great support to me and as you say we seem to be traveling along some similar feelings in our sitches. I don't feel I'm that great at describing/explaining my feelings much less anyone else's sitch so I'm very reluctant to comment to others lest I say the wrong things, but I'm going to take a very quick, short attempt within your current sitch by using the exact words you gave to me yesterday:

"Hang in there. You ARE worthy!"

All of us here are pulling for each other. Understand that you are not alone.

[LoneWlf]

Hey D, I know you are cycling thru emotions right now. We all have our days. You need to find something as I say, that makes your heart dance.Find something that adds more color to your world -something that makes food more flavorful. Find something you are passionate about and do it. The road we are all on is really sh!tty- but we have to keep our chin up and move forward. For me having a strong faith also gives me strength. Know that we are all in this together and we are all here to support you. Stay Well!

[Maika]

I want you to google Kris Gage and her article 'how to build self-esteem'. See if it helps in reframing some of your thinking.

I know you know that depression is serious business. it is awesome that you recognized it. I can tell you that I went for months and even a couple of years feeling that way and not recognizing it as depression, and so did not do anything to address it. I was a pretty pathetic person to be around I am sure. So, kudos on you for being self-aware and taking time to understand what you are going through.

As mentioned, you will cycle through ups and downs. And it's normal. As long as you accept it and know it will happen, that can tamp down the anxiety because it's not a surprise. And people can't just snap out of depression,which I am sure you also know. I am a fan of telling people to let themselves wallow in their self-pity, shame, depression for a day. Take 24 hours and just do a deep dive in it. But before you do that deep dive, plan what you are going to do the day after. Make a schedule. And then when you wake up after indulging yourself in that self-pity, you don't make excuses for what you planned and just do it. If you have to be a robot to do it, do it that way.

And then continue making that schedule every day and following through on it until you feel better.

Can't remember if you have an IC, but that's a great route to take. I am constantly learning with each IC appointment. Do you journal? Try that. My IC suggested that to me and I thought it was ridiculous. But then I gave it a try fully thinking this was a waste of time, and I saw the benefits of doing it from the first session. Now I am journaling a couple times a week and it has been super helpful. I have gotten so much clarity just from it. Give it a try.

If you don't know how to start journaling, just google how to journal to improve self-love. I came across a few sites that helped me to just start the process. Now I am on the path and it's good.

I just started my sojourn into learning photography. What do you want to do that you've never done? After a day of inaction and distraction, run the other direction into action.