I second the idea of reading AmyC, job's homework assignment includes a link to her postings. She survived a MLC and describes it with as much detail as she can remember. She affirms that her mind was a total mess during her MLC. A "head full of garbage" is what she described.
I read your thread. Has your wife said "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore"? Don't be surprised if that one comes along. Something else she might say that is total MLC script is "For the first time ever, I am taking control of my life".
As for her behavior affecting the children, be prepared that it may get worse. The more she goes off the rails, the more she WON'T see how it affects the children. Some MLCers keep it together in front of the children, some MLCers remain decent parents, some MLCers check out from their kids entirely. That's where you come in - to be the sane, stable parent. Just spend time with them and love them.
M: 49, W: 45 T: 22 M: 15 S14, S11, S9 BD: Jan '16 W files: Oct '16 D final: June '18
Hi Brubeck....I have read AmyC's postings - quite incredible and from the heart. I can only live in hope that my wife slowly wakes up to the damage and carnage she is leaving in her wake.
I feel it will be some type of loss that will make this happen. a realisation over time that her family she once relied on and had by her side have now gone.
I have had the following quotes.
I love you but I'm not in love with you. I no longer love you. I dont feel the same way about you like I used to. I no longer want to be married. I don't want to be weighed down by marriage I feel controlled. I haven't tried to save my marriage because its not what I want anymore. I don't want this anymore - this referring to the family unit. I just want to be with my friends. I'm doing whats right for me The children are resilient and will adjust, I'm unhappy and I don't know why. I don't know what would make me happy I know being with you makes me unhappy. I'm happy away from the house.
..........and the list goes on....
She keeps it together in front of the children and is a great mother, but is clearly unhappy and I'm solely responsible for her unhappiness. Once she gets away from me she will be happy and the only way to know that for sure, is to separate. I don't quite understand the logic behind it - I guess there is no point in even trying to understand.
I'm keeping busy, getting a life, enjoying my job and the kids and leaving her to get on with that she needs to do. Tough times.
If it is any comfort I heard all of those quotes verbatim in 2016 and 2017
She feels differently in 2018 but is still unsure
So yes your w says and feels all those things today but it can change
That is why this is a marathon
Glad she is keeping it together in front of the kids
My w was not able to do that
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Hello there, FaceMan. I just got caught up on your situation. I know that several have said that their spouses have said similar things as your W, and I want to jump in on that too. My W has expressed all the things yours has, almost verbatim. There has to be something to the fact that its a script. I wonder sometimes too if I am being naive about MLC and if maybe our R has just run its course, but that 180 they do and then the script...and the foggy eyes. Mine added to that by not wearing her wedding ring and telling me it felt like a symbol of possession. Mine also wanted to move out but drug her heels in doing so...until she finally did about a month ago.
This is a hard time to go through. I struggle with it as we all do. I can say that her moving out has been bittersweet. On one hand I have finally been able to detach to a degree. I did not realize how much her being close to me was poisoning my thinking. Not that I want her gone, but I can finally see how it was not good for me being so close to her...even if I was trying to give her space and doing my best to GAL and DB. On the other hand, seeing her every day I was able to see the MLC behavior and her conflicting behavior. Now, without seeing her much at all, when I do see her all I see is her happy mask which is almost normal. That is unsettling because it now just seems like she is happy doing her own thing. Point being...things can still get worse before getting better so protect your heart by detaching if you can. its an ongoing effort!
We are here to vent to, to answer questions, and give our own insight when you need it. I'm sorry you had to come here, but this is a great group and some of the few people who will TRULY understand what you are going through.
My H broke his wedding ring and took this as a sign that our M was over. I had it fixed, he wouldn't wear it. I wore it on a chain but felt like it was burning a hole into my chest so I left it in his drawer. He lost it or did so intentionally but when cleaning something out, I found it again. Now I see it in his drawer with some other things I gave him, and one thing that I think the OW gave him. But I guess he doesn't want to throw it out anymore.
There is a reason that rings are a symbol!
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
It does give comfort to hear that the script is the same. It feels like its common and not unique to me.
Surely, there has to be something linked to the fact that the script is the same, where ever you are in the world. It follows a set pattern and it would appear my wife's desire to leave and divorce also follows that set pattern.
If it wasn't for me, she would be happy. I'm not perfect, so its easy to find fault and justification to leave. Having read AmyCs posts, I understand how the negative mindset erases all the good; I hope she comes out of it in time.
sjohns6 - I sometimes do wonder whether MLC is real or just something LBS hang onto in hope their spouses will return. From everything I have read here and from my own experience, I do believe its real. I can see the depression, the fog, the confusion, the contradictory behaviour and the general malaise in my wife; she wants to leave but is in no rush? She also admits she has never discussed it with her closet friends. That for me confirms the confusion?
I have my own confusion about my wife leaving - on the onehand it will help me detach, but on the other I want to keep my family together; she insists I won't miss her. I know I will. I will miss the woman I married, not the alien version of her.
In fact, she has already left emotionally and I miss her emmensly.
Whatever happens - I know I will be ok. I have plenty to be grateful for;
You can't make someone be with you if they don't want to be, regardless of the crisis we know they are going through. If my wife wants to be on her own, I have to let her go.
Had a good think about the negative mindset - to continually find fault and negative traits is used as justification for leaving and relieves her of responsibility for her actions and behaviour.
Not only that, but she is now telling people, 'we are going our separate ways' which makes it sound like a mutual decision when it is not - She is leaving and breaking up her family.
This is exactly what they do. They tell themselves the whole mess they are in is all your fault because you can't possibly be what they need you to be. This 'fact' therefore makes it a logical decision to part ways, which of course then the whole world must assume makes it mutual, right? <eye roll> Trust me - I've heard this one before.
My XH was very taken aback when I refused to pay any of the legal costs on the grounds that our divorce was absolutely, entirely, 100% his decision. I even told him "had the decision been mutual I'd have been happy to foot half the legal bill". Needless to say, he still hasn't responded to that one.
