My WAS - looking help and thanks in advance PART 3

[ovrrnbw]

We can talk R if she initiates, right?

She is all over the place this week.

Do I text her or call her while she is gone? "Hope you're having fun" or something like that.

I haven't called or texted yet.

[LoneWlf]

Ovr- do not initiate contact that is pursuit. Just focus on what you can control - You - Blessings!

[arsh18]

Would you text your neighbor hope you are having fun if you know they are away? Stop the pursuit. If she initiates any talk listen and validate. She cannot say let’s R - tell me yes or no right now. You are still orbiting her , find yourself another activity

[ovrrnbw]

Here's a little update:

W got home from Chicago on Sunday night and said she stayed at her (girl) friend's house. I don't believe it but that's the story. She refused to find a way to assure me she was even there.

She's been home every night this week. Acting weird: kissed me, touched me, talked to me, hung out with me, went to marriage counseling, asked about putting our rings on.

The bad: she accidentally called me OM's name a few times (barf), she says what she did isn't an affair and that my friends/family are looking at it the wrong way, says her parents support that it wasn't an affair, says her parents almost invited her to bring OM to the lake on the 4th.

Today: W is running like a chicken with her head cut off. Adding all this extra stuff this morning for me to do to get ready for the lake, switching cars last minute, not leaving me a key so I'm trapped in the house, wanting me to ask you if dad's going to the lake (I think it's rude), telling me to go ask a neighbor to move the boat so I can get out.

I called her after I got everything done and left the house, she was blaming me and yelling at me for not thinking ahead to realize I'd be driving the SUV. Eventually I said well if you were thinking ahead then you shouldn't have taken both SUV keys. She yelled at me for saying "I don't know" too much, so after that I asked her a question and her response was "I don't know". But that was OK. I was calling her to try to destress from everything and laugh about it but she wants to stir the pot. It was crazy. I couldn't start the SUV bc she had both keys. I couldn't get the truck out bc the boat was blocking it. She told me to use a neighbor/friend's truck to move the boat and confirmed with him that I could and that the keys were in it. I didn't want to use it though bc she just told me a day or two ago that him and his gf were saying a bunch of stuff about me. But W didn't respond when I told her that. Eventually a guy in the neighborhood helped me out.

Then she said "maybe this is it" and I said what does that mean. She's like that's it. I should have just said that I don't care if it is bc "this is it" is better than being treated like [censored]. And she's all saying on the phone that I shouldn't be comfortable around her friends/family and I'm thinking well I have news for you.

Thanks y'all for following my sappy story.

[NicoleR]

Ovrrnbow, Wow, I don't even know what to say! That's just crazy. Your wife is totally out-of-control. I guess she's still flipping back-and-forth between you and OM and trying to justify her actions. Did you find out if OM broke it off? Even if he did, it sounds like you and your wife have a whole other set of issues to fix if you reconcile, in particular her erratic behavior and taking things to such extremes. That doesn't sound tolerable to you in the long-term even if she decides to stay and end her affair. I hope DB still keeps helping you and you can stay rational!

[ovrrnbw]

Well we went to the lake, had a good day Friday until she got drunk and blacked out. Dropped f bombs at the restaurant, wanted to wait outside, then wanted to jump out of the moving car. I called her parents to try to talk sense into her so maybe she wouldn't go to jail.

Of course her parents blame me for letting her get drunk. I should have used their line: "I can't control her". I perused her phone while she was passed out and found out she, surprise, didn't go to Chicago the weekend before and hadn't broke it off with the OM. Two big lies. I slept in the other bedroom. So the next day I'm ready to pack up and she's all "I love you, let's stay, blah blah blah". So I stayed.

Day is going OK but she brings up the affair, saying it's not an affair. If you bring up the basic facts, she goes to how my mom had an affair or how I didn't treat her right. So again I slept in the other bedroom.

Sunday she wants me to come inside to talk, I say no, you're seeing someone else we have nothing to talk about. I tell her I'm going to mass and she can go into town if she wants while I'm at mass. After mass she wants to hang out, I stayed strong and said "No, we can't hang out while OM is around". She says she can't tell him bc she has a cooler and some belongings there. I tell her that means very little to me and that I can't hang out with her. Finally she texts him to end it, but it's snapchat and doesn't save the message. I tell her I don't believe her several times, so she let's me read the response which basically confirms it. But OM's name is saved as "Brittany", her friend's name, instead of the guy's name. So I'm like wait WTF? Who did you text? Then she says I am being mean to her by sticking firm to my boundary.

She's mad at my mom bc my mom accidentally sent a text to the group chat (sister, mom, me) instead of just my sister. My mom said she wonders what is going on with me and how much more I can take and the obvious isn't clicking. I tell this to WW to make her feel better, saying my mom says isn't happy with me either. WW takes offense, of course.

She's mad at me bc I was pissed and let her sleep in the car Friday night until 12:30 (I stayed up, didn't go to bed with her out there) and that I didn't want to talk to her or sleep in bed with her Friday night.

Rest of Sunday went fairly well. Great. Monday: she asks me this morning to do something tonight, I agree. She calls at work to ask what I've told my mom/sister today about our situation. I'm at work so it's hard to talk. Then she says she's going to talk to her mom after work bc she has "mixed feelings" and that I was being controlling and mean to her over the weekend.

WW told me in so many words and through several convos that she is not in control of herself, feels like a tornado inside her, is so up and down, very upset. I didn't tell her she's depressed but that she can get help and do something about it.

Once again I have this splitting headache from dealing with all of this, just like on Saturday.

What's the strategy from here?

[OrangeK]

"Of course her parents blame me for letting her get drunk."
Stop talking to them 100%, they are enablers.

"Then she says I am being mean to her by sticking firm to my boundary. "
Because you arent doing what SHE wants you too, pissed you arent letting her eat cake.
STICK TO YOUR BOUNDARY.

"I perused her phone while she was passed out and found out she, surprise, didn't go to Chicago the weekend before and hadn't broke it off with the OM. Two big lies. I slept in the other bedroom. So the next day I'm ready to pack up and she's all "I love you, let's stay, blah blah blah". So I stayed."
Well now you know 100% she is Full of BS. Dont let her convince you otherwise again.
You should have left.

" I tell her I don't believe her several times, so she let's me read the response which basically confirms it. But OM's name is saved as "Brittany", her friend's name, instead of the guy's name. So I'm like wait WTF? Who did you text? "
Yet another poorly constructed lie and you know it. Stop letting her BS you So easily.

"Day is going OK but she brings up the affair, saying it's not an affair."
This is BS, CONFIRMED. Dont let her lie to you. DOnt accept lies.

"If you bring up the basic facts, she goes to how my mom had an affair or how I didn't treat her right."
Exuses, meekly justifying her behavior.
Answer A: "My mother wasnt any more right to do that than you are"
Answer B: "Even if true, not an exuse to cheat, you made a descision WIFE, own it. We both know you are actively cheating"

"I tell this to WW to make her feel better"
Stop giving her soft plush landing pads dude. LET HER HIT THE FLOOR.

"She's mad at me bc I was pissed and let her sleep in the car Friday night until 12:30 "
"Next Time dont drink yourself stupid and embarass yourself, act your age"

"Monday: she asks me this morning to do something tonight, I agree."
Whatever happened to - ""No, we can't hang out while OM is around"????
Id really stop folding and doing what she wants when she wants it if i were you.
GET MAD!!

"WW told me in so many words and through several convos that she is not in control of herself"
More BS excuse making. Anything to not accept blame and shame. She did this, she chose this, She is an adult. If she isnt in control of herself she should check herself into a mental facility.

"What's the strategy from here?"
Please excuse the blunt Steel I-Beam (no mere 4x8)
Take your balls back.
Stand your ground and retain your boundaries.
You know whats BS and what isnt.
You know what is excuses and blame shifting.
Stop tolerating it.
Stop letting her walk over you and treat you like S**T.
I think shes so complacent about walking all over you, if you actually start standing up for yourself she wont know WTF is going on.

I would pack up her stuff and remove it from your bedroom. Dont back down on this.
Tell her, dont ask.
YOU ARE CHEATING. I WONT LIVE WITH OR SLEEP WITH A CHEATER.
YOU ARE NOT A CUCKHOLD.

Strength to you brother.

[ovrrnbw]

Orange, I think you may have missed the part where she showed me the response after she sent OM a message saying it's over. (Again, it's snapchat, I'm not 100% on what her message said either, and I know our DB rule on what to believe).

I didn't let her BS me on the name "Brittany" for OM. I confronted it and asked why she did that? Clearly, to hide it.

[OrangeK]

I didn't miss that. my wife did the exact same thing. The day after I found out about the affair, I made her pull up his name on her phone and watched her text him saying that I knew about The affair and that they couldn't see each other anymore. I watched as he replied and said okay I understand. they had it planned ahead of time, knowing the eventuality of me finding out was inevitable. I'm telling you from my own miserable experience, when other board members say don't believe anything they say, we aren't kidding. I would bet a month's pay that the exchange that you were shown on Snapchat was planned. you are believing what you want to believe, I did the same thing for months. I still struggle with doing it now. I'm not trying to be harsh with you dude, I'm trying to spare you months of chasing your tail with a broken heart. it truly is helpful to look at other people's situations, being a third-party it's so easy to see what should be the clear path and it's so difficult to watch people bang their heads against the wall, but yet it's so easy to do in our own situations because we love the people that hurt us. literally 20 minutes ago I was crying like a grieving mother while telling my sister-in-law through racking sobs that I missed my wife, even though I I'm fully aware of all the horrible things she has done. my point is that I will readily admit that I am still often blind and stubborn in regards to my own situation, but yet it breaks my heart to read a situation like yours where you're doing all of the same things that I have been doing

[arsh18]

Ovr I am sorry but I feel you are still available and she knows it. Tough love buddy, you know you can do it. She knows you are still hurting and that she can string you along. What would you do to show her that you can move in without her? What would make her feel she may be losing you?