Re: Moving past the WAW to a stronger me Pt. 3

[LoneWlf]

D- Take it one day at a time - one foot in front of the other. I started the book that Benny suggested on the Happiness Advantage and it has a lot of good nuggets of information on there. You might want to check it out. You mention Stress- Sleep deprived and Anxious- triple threat. Concentrate on getting yourself better. Stay well!!

[Davide]

Thanks LoneWlf,

I realize that this is part of the roller coaster. I have been here before and know that it s@cks but that I can get through it. I just needed to vent here a little bit.

I actually got the Happiness Advantage yesterday as a downloaded audio book. I was planning on starting it as I travel tomorrow. Right now I am finishing up Rising Strong by Brene Brown. I like her emphasis on vulnerability and facing our fears and demons. It jives well with the CBT I have been working on with my therapist.

[LoneWlf]

D- try reading brene's book on gifts of imperfections that one is good too!! Keep on goin!!

[HelenaJ]

I have Daring Greatly on audio and I really liked it. Hard to be vulnerable even under normal circumstances let alone the circumstances many of us are faced with here. I always tend to feel anger when im hurt and I know that is a self defense mechanism specifically to avoid vulnerability.

[AnotherStander]

Wow Davide! I'm glad you're enjoying the trip but please stay hydrated and take care of yourself! I do Crossfit and sometimes when it's 100+ (there's no A/C in the box) I feel my body start shutting down like that, if there's one thing I've learned at my advanced age it's LISTEN to what your body is saying Better to stop and take a break than risk heat stroke or injury!

[Davide]

I feel like I reached a turning point out in the desert. I was camping for 2 nights alone and spent most of my waking hours alone as well. The beauty and majesty of the place really spoke to me. In the past I think the scale might have made me feel small or insignificant, but this time it made me feel connected to the universe, that I am a small part of the same story being written on the cliffs and rock formations. I dont remember the last time I felt as at peace with myself.

Previously on my trip, even when I was camping in Montana by myself, I was constantly striving for something to do - a hike to take, a book to read, a podcast to listen to. I still felt the need to be busy, to occupy my mind. But in Utah I was able to slow myself down and simply be with myself. I was enough. Of course, the spectacular scenery clearly helped put me in the right frame of mind. I was able to fall into a state of grace, feeling gratitude for the opportunity to be there, to gaze on such beauty, and simply gratitude for being alive. I felt balanced and centered, as if everything was in its correct place. I think what I was most happy about was the way that I was able to reach that state even yesterday, a day full of anxiety and nerves due to a lack of sleep. By the evening as I drove along the Colorado river with red rock cliffs looming on either side, I forgot about my worries and my sitch and simply appreciated the ride and awesome vista.

As I drove back through the gorgeous mountains and canyons of Colorado I maintained those feelings. I think that time alone in nature, away from the hustle and bustle of "real life" is probably crucial for reaching this state. As I drove into Denver and the chaos of city traffic and bad GPS directions began to press down on me I felt the same old anxiety start to creep up again. Thoughts about the future and about my sitch started to return and I could feel the tension in my gut and the quickening of my heart rate. What I need to do now is find a way to regain that state of grace while returning to the city, to my house, to my situation. My thought is that starting each day by vocalizing what I am grateful for is a start. A daily morning meditation or yoga practice as well. Luckily, there are beautiful woods right behind my school as well. After BD I spent my lunch hour walking the woods and listening to podcasts. I think that simply walking those trails in silence might be even more beneficial at this point. The next 10 days I will be far from home, but in the craziness of city-life with friends and work colleagues around. As good as it will be to spend time with them, I still want more practice cultivating the inner silence I found in the desert. Even right now, I am at a friends house, a friend I hadnt seen in 7 years, but I asked for a half an hour to come sit in quiet and write this reflection while it is still fresh in my mind.

[Benito]

Once again its good to read such an honest explanation of your thoughts and emotions.

That feeling of connectivness and clarity is YOU.

The feelings of anxiety what come back in from time to time is HABIT.

Don't let a random habit (that will continue to happen) make you feel that YOU are going backwards or you are slipping in some way.

They are TWO DIFFERENT entities and should not be mixed up That is one of the biggest mistakes that people make.

Emotions like anxiety are real.. but they arise from a physical sense. Not the spiritual sense of who you are. Not every physical emotion is a correct correlation to the situation you are in at that particular time.

Hope that makes some sense to you.

[Davide]

Fear. So much of what is holding me back from completing letting go is rooted in fear. There is certainly love as well and sadness, but I think the key is the fear. If I completely let go of the rope than I am adrift and left alone to find my own way in the dark. Of course I realize that I am already alone, that I am already in the dark, that I am already lost, but the mere presence of the rope, even if it leads me nowhere productive only back to a past that is already gone, is a comfort. I have practiced jumping off of heights into water, I have practiced sitting with myself in silence, I have practiced climbing walls higher than I ever would have dared, yet the final step has thus far eluded me. Perhaps these small steps are necessary along the way. This line of thought made me think back to one of my favorite books of all time "The Things They Carried" by Tim O'Brien. In one of the final stories he writes about his cowardice and how he gave in and went to war.

Courage, I seemed to think, comes to us in finite quantities, like an inheritance, and by being frugal and stashing it away and letting it earn interest, we steadily increase our moral capital in preparation for that day when the account must be drawn down. It was a comforting theory. It dispensed with all those bothersome little acts of daily courage; it offered hope and grace to the repetitive coward; it justified the past while amortizing the future.

I don't want to be the repetitive coward anymore. I feel like I have lived most of my life like that. I just hope that these daily steps of confronting my fear will help.

A little journaling:

Right now I seem to be alternating good and bad days. My first night in Denver I couldn't sleep until 3 in the morning after taking NyQuil, it left me in an anxious and agitated state all day long as I struggled to focus on anything or be in the moment. In the evening I recovered a bit as I met up with some friends for some drinks and to catch up. The past two nights I have used some of the marijuana and it has really helped me sleep quite well. Given how important my sleep is to my sanity and state of mind I am going to continue with it for the time being.

Yesterday the friend I was staying with was out of town on a hike nearly all day long which left me alone again. I used it to catch up on my exercise routine - an hour of yoga, a trip to a rock climbing gym for an hour and a half, and then I took off on my bike to explore downtown Denver (in 99 degree heat) for 21 miles. It really felt great. Recently when I have been biking I haven't been listening to music or podcasts like I normally do, but just trying to appreciate the ride and the sights and the physical exertion. It's not exactly sitting in silence with myself, but it is more mindful.

Today I woke up more anxious. Perhaps it is because I watched "Coco" last night, which was all about the importance of family, and which provoked a good cry. (I thought it was really a very good movie despite being an animated kids film.) I have an 8.5 hour drive ahead of me, but am probably going to get a late start because I want to watch the World Cup final.

[Davide]

Just another check in. I just completed two straight days of 600 miles driving, so I am a bit exhausted. Today I was able to do some light meditation, focused breathing and awareness of my body and surroundings, while driving. In past days I did 20-30 minutes, but today I got to 30 minutes and was feeling good, so kept going for a full hour. No music, no distractions, just my own breathing and the rhythm of driving. I was supposed to talk to my IC today, but I was on the road and the phone connection didn't hold up. Unfortunately, he is now going on his own road trip and I don't know if I will be able to speak in person with him over the next 3 weeks. I already scheduled an appointment with a local one in my city to see in person when i get back, but given how fraught my return to the marriage-house is I would really like to have someone to talk to over the next few weeks.

I did however have an interaction with the W. First, I saw that she perused another one of my instagram stories. That was my first external reminder of her in 10 days or so. It definitely through me off at first, but I was able to shrug it off. I got back to listening to my book on tape which has gotten very interesting all of a sudden. Then, when I got in to my AirBnb in Cincy, I got an email from her. After saying that she hoped I was having fun on the trip, it was all business, talking about what she would like to take from the house and what she is thinking of leaving behind. At the end she also asked for my ETA and whether or not I wanted her to be there. It was pretty long and detailed. I just saw it 5 minutes ago, and it definitely took my breathe away just a bit, simply because we have been almost completely NC for the past month. It's nothing surprising, but still a bit hard to see in black white on the screen. I'm still clearly not at the point where it is water off a duck's back. I thought I was working towards that, but interactions definitely draw me back in. I am calm, but hurt and sad. It feels like another unwanted reminder of the reality of my situation. I guess I was going to have to confront that sooner or later anyway. At the very least, I feel like I am in a better situation to handle it than I would have been a month or two ago. I want to honor my emotional response, but also move past it. Hopefully I can meet up with some fellow conference goers tonight and grab a beer or otherwise distract myself.

I'll respond to the email tomorrow or the next day, all business. I'll let her know to take whatever she wants. The only thing I'll need to replace is the spare couch/bed for the 2nd bedroom. I'll also tell her that I have no idea of my ETA since I have no idea where I will be coming from at that point. I think it would probably be best if she isn't there, as that won't help my detachment either.

[jaylove]

Re anxiety - my BD was a few weeks ago and since then I’ve had anxiety attacks (waking up 2-5 am and being unable to get back to sleep, with a fast heart rate and endless racing featful thoughts) I’ve been reading up on breathing techniques, which I’ve found very helpful indeed. Apparently it’s physiologically impossible to BBE breathing properly and to be anxious at the same time.

It can be as simple as :
Sit up straight and breathe in through your nose for about 3 seconds
Hold the breath for 3 seconds
Breathe out slowly as if you were slowing blowing up a balloon and gently close your eyes
Breathe normally for a few seconds
Repeat 4 times

You should notice a wave of calmness passing through your head

Best of luck