First off, two apologies. One because I'm not sure where to post this (midlife crisis vs infidelity), and two because of the length. As most of these things go, I suppose, there's a lot to the story.
As the title suggests, I think my wife (41) is in the midst of a midlife crisis affair. Well, to be clear, I know she's having an affair (she told me) and it looks an awful lot like a midlife crisis.
Some background: We've known eachother for about 25 years, were very good friends and started dating after about 5 years. I knew from the moment I met her that she was my soulmate. She's amazing. We've now been married for almost 15 years (our anniversary is in less than 2 weeks). We have a teenage son and a college-age daughter who lives on her own. Our marriage has been good, except for the fact that, for the last several years, my career has ruled our lives. She's moved around following me from place to place as my career took us from state to state and then to Europe. While we were in Europe, she told me that she was unhappy and wanted a divorce. Although I knew she was sacrificing everything following me around from place to place not getting to do anything she wanted to do, it wasn't until then that I had an awakening. It finally dawned on me that I had spent this entire time trying to make our life fit my career rather than the other way around. I was able to convince her to stay and told myself that enough was enough. Shortly thereafter, we left Europe. Instead of returning to the job I had on the east coast--where neither of us were happy--we moved back to the Southwest, where she wanted to be. It was the start of something new, where we were going to be able to build something for us instead of me. My career was finally in the backseat where it belonged...or so I thought.
It turned out that the job I had lined up fell through, and I ended up taking another job in Europe out of desperation. She didn't want to go, but we figured we could handle it for a little while by seeing eachother every couple of months. Big mistake on my part. I left in September and saw my wife and son in November and December. Even seeing her that "often," I realized that I couldn't do it. Not to mention that the company was completely incompetent and screwing up my pay/taxes. I put in my resignation in January. Unfortunately, I had a 6-month notice period, so my last day was June 30th. Gotta love Europe! We saw eachother again in March but decided to save the rest of my vacation so that I could cash the days out at the end. Another big mistake on my part.
Shortly after I left, my wife and son moved to a small town in the mountains. She started working in April. Things were fine between us at this point. We kept in touch mainly by email, with the occassional phone call, but the 8-hour time difference was tough. We would constantly tell eachother how much we loved and missed eachother. The last of such emails I received from her was on May 26th. On May 31st I got an email from my recruiter about a job in London/Amsterdam. I immediately told the recruiter no (I had learned my lesson!), but I sent it to my wife as a sort of "Haha, wanna do it again?!" She asked me if I wanted it, and I said "no" and tried to reassure her that I just thought it was a funny coincidence since this was exactly how the last European opportunity started. Anyway, I thought nothing of it for the next few days, but I think she took it the wrong way and it pushed her over the edge.
In June, she basically fell off the map. She and my son went on vacation with her sister and mom. Either right before she left (early June) or shortly after she got back (mid June), she started seeing a co-worker. Right before she got back from the trip, she sent me an email saying that my son was being a jerk and that I should take the London job and take my son with me. She said she wanted to be "alone...like permanently alone." Then, when she got home, she sent me another email saying that the cats had peed all over the house, her dad hadn't watered the plants and that there was nothing about her life that she liked. Then, 10 days before I was due to come home for good, she told me over the phone that she wanted a divorce. She explained that she was seeing someone and that things were "pretty serious" and that they were in love. Meanwhile, her job is terrible. She's working 12 hour days, continuously slammed and thinking about quitting.
Of course, I was devastated when she told me. But what really took me by surprise was the timing. She met this guy at work so had known him for about 2 months when this started. And it all kicked off within days of us sending eachother the usual series of "I love you more than anything" emails. At the point where she told me she wanted a divorce, she had only been seeing him for 1-2 weeks at most. This isn't exactly what you call the foundation of a real, lasting relationship.
Needless to say, I've been on an emotional roller coaster. On a few occasions, I fell into the trap of trying to beg, plead and convince her to stay. My emotions got the better of me, but I've now got them under control...I think. Ultimately, I want her to be happy, even if it's not with me, and I told her that I have accepted it. We've agreed to keep this very civil and preserve our friendship. She's going to be moving out soon. Since this is a small mountain town and there no apartments to speak of, my guess is she will move in with him.
Look, I know there's a lot I could have done to prevent this. I had a lot of work to do in putting her before my career, and the nine months of working overseas didn't help matters much, but this feels an awful lot like a midlife crisis. She's buying all sorts of new clothes and underwear, exercising like crazy. I'm half expecting her to show up in a sports car one day...or a motorcycle maybe since this is the mountains. I think what she's experiencing at the moment is pure fantasy--newness, excitement, the feeling of being alive again, the sense of freedom. I'm confident that she will she through it in time, but I am worried that she is rushing into this so quickly that she'll be "committed" (move in, get married, etc.) before the illusion has a chance to fade. I love her more than anything and have committed to putting my career in the backseat--this time bolted down so it can't get back up. I've even started a job that will allow me to work remotely.
So, my questions:
- I know I need to take a step back and let this take its course, but how long do these things normally last? I've read that the vast majority of relationships that are started with infidelity fail, but are we talking months...years?
- I should probably move far away so that I don't have to witness everything, but we both want things to be easy for our son. Plus, I love the town where we're living. Nothing beats the mountains. I want to stay here, but is living so close to her going to keep her from realizing what it's like not to have me in her life?
- I've read that sitting around waiting for your spouse to come back is a bad idea and that you instead need to let them see you moving on. My wife even asked me if I was going to go on Match (huh?). I have no desire to meet other women while things are "taking their course." I have no desire to see anyone else period. Nonetheless, I did create a Match profile because I feel like I need to get out there to make her want me back. Trouble is, the thought of reaching out to people on Match (or meeting women anywhere for that matter) disgusts me. It's a lot like the feeling you get when making a dentist appointment: you dread the thought of going but force yourself to do it in order to keep your teeth from falling out. Then you're relieved when they tell you that their first available appointment is in 3 months. I'm torn. I can't stomach the thought meeting new women, but is hanging out and waiting for her to come around a bad idea?
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Last edited by Cadet; 07/15/1802:20 PM. Reason: add link
Another question for you all...this one a little more devious.
I've found a few articles online talkimg about midlife crisis affairs (written by women--importantly). Although I have my own cell phone and laptop, I share my wife's iPad to do things like watch NetFlix. I occassionally browse the web on there as well when I want a larger screen. I know the sky will fall if I tell my wife that I think she is having a midlife crisis and that the relationship with the OM is a fantasy. But, what if I were to "accidentally" leave a couple of tabs open on her iPad browser?
I know, sinister. Just need some advice before I do it.
Hi Trevor, sorry your situation led you here but you've found a great place. Everyone here will tell you not to worry about time. It could be numerous years plus or never. That is why it's important to focus on yourself and not wait around. There are many here who have live in MLCers or lots of contact so I wouldn't move unless you want to. You will grow and gain strength you never imagined, it may not bother you soon. It's not easy but that's why there is so much focus on detachment. Also, I wouldn't go on dating sites, especially since you said you didn't want to, work on yourself! Why do that to someone else or yourself. Your w wants you there to help relieve her guilt it's not going to snap her out of it. Get out and enjoy the mountains and take care of yourself.
If you step back and look at this, there's several reasons why it's best to work on detaching from her and focus on you and your kids. That line your wife dropped that there's nothing about her life? That is key. A healthy way to deal with that is to figure out what the problems are without over reacting. We all have things we don't like in our life but if we have healthy coping skills we don't upturn our whole lives.
The fact that she was willing to walk away from her kid tells you something is very wrong. That is not a healthy coping mechanism. So what kind of a person could she be attracting while in a state like this? A broken one because right now she's broken. No emotionally healthy person will be attracted to her.
My advice? Jump off Match. You don't really want to be there as you said. Begin to look at the reasons you went on there despite not really wanting to be on there.
There's nothing you can do to fix this for her and there's nothing you did to cause it. Protect your finances ASAP, focus on you and your kids and welcome to a supportive group of people.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Sorry - didn't finish the sentence: The line your wife dropped about there's nothing in her life she likes, is key.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Your w wants you there to help relieve her guilt it's not going to snap her out of it. Get out and enjoy the mountains and take care of yourself.
Thanks for the warm welcome, Kyh!
This last part is what I'm stuggling with the most. Like I said, I want to stay here because I like the town and so we can make things easier for my son. I just worry that, by being here, I'm making things easy for her. I suggested to her that I might move to the city (about 4 hours away) where my sister is and she immediately concluded that I just want to be alone (i.e., that this is an excuse to live like a bachelor). I think it would be the best thing in terms of not being adound to relive her guilt, making her realize what she is throwing away, and helping to ensure that this MLC affair can run it's course. I would also likely have to take our son with me since she is probably going to move in with this man. Maybe that would be a good thing?
Thanks HaWho. I think you're absolutely right. That comment about not liking anything in her life is what made me start thinking that this is a MLC. She's convinced herself that my son doesn't need her anymore, which is strange for a mother. She even started letting the cats stay out all night. (In the mountains, that's a big deal because of bears and wolves.) She told me that she doesn't really care what happens to them. She LOVES our animals...or at least she used to. They get the best most expensive food, herbal remedies for everything under the sun, etc. She's now willing to let them die.
I just wish that there was some way to make this clear to her (hence my post above about "accidentally" leaving an article about MLC affairs open on our shared iPad), but it sounds like I just need to let her figure it out on her own. I just hope she does before she hits the point of no return (gets married or pregnant). Ugh
