I just can't figure out why she would do this...She has to know that it would get back to me quickly, she is facebook friends with my brother's wife and some of my close friends?!?!!
Is she hoping that I have a reaction and stand up and fight for our marriage? This would be a 180 from what I've done so far in going along for her wish for a d??
I just don't understand, I don't think that she'd do that just to hurt me! Also, she changed her facebook back to her Maiden name, which is also really bizarre considering we are a ways from the D being finalized...I just don't understand what is going on in her head
Oh honey. No, she doesn't want you to fight for your marriage. If anything, she wants to move on and you yourself to move on. Please do not think that she is doing anything to trigger you. In her mind, the marriage is already over.
So sorry Cory, but she is not doing this to get back at you, I doubt she’s thinking about you at all. This is all about her remember. It is not classy and there is no maturity or dignity in what she’s doing but that’s her life now. It doesn’t mean there cannot be R in the future but for now get yourself as far away from this as you can. It’s hard I know but you are still hurting yourself and letting her do more damage - arshi
Thank-you Loves77 and arsh18, I know you are right and I totally agree with you!! I'm just having so much trouble ACCEPTING AND MOVING ON. I just truly don't know how to go about it..I feel like I'm doing the right things (gal, going dark, working on myself) but I still can't be honest with myself that it is OVER...Even with all the FACTS and all of her ACTIONS, all of the damage she's done to our relationship (affair, rushing to D,etc), all of the damage to relationships with my family/friends and all of the PAIN and LOSS that have crushed me the last 3 months, I STILL AMAZINGLY CAN'T ACCEPT AND MOVE ON...,
Will someone please give me the secret to accepting and moving on from her??? I promise that I'll do it...I know that I'm grieving the loss of our relationship and it's going to take a long time, I'm aware of that...I just don't know what to do to let her go...I've told myself, she doesn't want to be with me...I've told myself that she isn't the person I married...I just need a direction to go that is up out of this hole, and I'll follow it...
I'm right there with you, even the 3 month timeline. My wife left me in order to pursue her EA and turn it PA. Within a week of leaving she was meeting with a lawyer. I very much know how you feel.
The truth is, there isn't some magic secret that will allow you to not feel the emotions and feelings you're experiencing. This is a very painful thing to go through, and you HAVE TO experience that pain and those emotions. Anything else is just pushing the pain further down the line. You have to USE the pain to grow. Giving everything titles and acronyms (180, GAL, etc) makes it seem like it's a magic formula and you just have to follow the process. I think the truth is that you have to REALLY look inward and be BRUTALLY honest with yourself. Find the thing(s) in YOU that are actually holding you back and work on changing that. The hard work in all of this is making REAL changes to YOU, not just the things that you do.
You don't have to give up hope in order to let her go. I know people say it all the time around here, but even D doesn't have to mean the end. You can't make her come back, but you can certainly make her NOT come back. You can't change her, fix her or save her. If you truly still want to be with her, don't give up hope, but DO give up pursuit and let her go.
Me: Late 30s WW: Late 30s M: 12 S: 7 BD: Late April '18 (Wife left next day) OM confirmed: July '18 (20+ years older)
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. - Psalms 34:18
I was just coming to type my response but 346 said it Better than I could have. The only thing I can add is time. And acceptance. The sooner you accept that what 346 has said is true the sooner you can begin to heal. If I had truly accepted this truth at the 3-month Mark I can't imagine how much better a place I would be in right now. Instead I fought against reality for months and months and here at the 9-month Mark I am finally coming to accept that what 346 has said above is the absolute truth. so many board members have said the exact same thing to me in a variety of different ways and 4 months I was banging my head against the wall not listening still looking for hope. as they say, divorce does not mean the end, if it is truly meant to be then perhaps it needs to be torn down before being rebuilt again. I think maintaining the frame of mind that divorce busting is truly for self improvement above all is Paramount. obviously this website is designed to avoid divorce and prevent it, and I have seen so many left behind husband's on this board, myself included, that have brought themselves low in an attempt to avoid divorce without realizing that by not standing up for yourself all you're doing is losing the respect further from a woman who clearly has very little or no respect to begin with as aww. every time I have thought that there was improvement with communication and relationship between my wife and I all it ever ended up being was a rope around my waist pulling me back down into the pit of depression. even after realizing that no contact was my path to Salvation I still violated it regularly anytime any nugget of Hope or something that smelled like it would appear. I bought it Hook Line & Sinker every single time and prolonged my healing process by at least 4 to 6 months. as cliche as it sounds, if you love someone let them go and if they return it was meant to be. you have to respect yourself and your own boundaries first, and like they say usually the ww only notices change when it's too late and the LBH has truly detached and moved on. rise above the Betrayal and the hatred and the pain. don't drag yourself through broken glass like I did. Focus on your children, for me healing came best through being the best dad I can be. I still have a long road of healing to walk, but I'm glancing at the storm clouds behind me over my shoulder less and less often. How many roads must a man walk down? I do not know, but I have seen that with every poster on this board when they commit to walking down that new Road, its path eventually diverges from the original Road enough that it's no longer in sight and only the Horizon can be focused on. It's an uphill walk my friend, I'll meet you at the top when we both get there.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
with all the FACTS and all of her ACTIONS, all of the damage she's done to our relationship (affair, rushing to D,etc), all of the damage to relationships with my family/friends and all of the PAIN and LOSS that have crushed me
The magic secret/magic pill is right in front of you. Look yourself in The mirror and you will discover the secret. Trust me, you will get tired and fed up of all the pain and agony. And once you are truly done and tired of the disrespect, you start moving forward with your life.
So the answer you are looking for is locked inside yourself. I know cliche, but it's the truth. We as LBS holed ourselves back.
Stop putting all your energy into worrying about your WW and put your energy into healing yourself. The moment you start loving yourself more than worrying about your WW, is the moment the world will seem so much vibrant. I know you might be thinking that's easy to say, its just so hard right now. Take it one day at a time. Smile and speak to as many people as possible.
I make my post short, because, I'm a person who recieves advice and tries to use it all at once. What worked for me was focusing on the positive. I read the fable about feeding the good wolf and that spoke directly to my soul. I have days still now where I'm down, but I just continue to smile and love life.
Living in love is hard and amazing. Living in destruction is impossible. Get out of the destruction and start to reconstruct. Your old M is dead no matter what happens between you and your W. So let it die and you start to grow. Let her go!!! I'm telling you that from my own experience. If you have to say the words out loud to yourself. " I'm letting you go". Scream it multiple times and then move forward. And don't be too hard on yourself, this is a learning period in your life, just like any other.
Love and live on. You got this Chris.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Wow! Thank-you guys so much...Each and every response truly hit home and I'm taking all of the advice and going full force ahead...I'll be referring to my thread often to keep these thoughts fresh in my mind and to keep me motivated to rebuild my life and get back on track..
I can't thank the people enough on these boards for this kind of support in what is easily the darkest time that I've ever experienced...You give me hope that even though I can'f feel it or see it, eventually the darkness will give way to light...
