I've been continuing my GAL and trying to stop thinking about our R. I had my IC session today, which was good. S and I spent most of the day just playing together. I haven't heard from XF since Sunday. I actually think I prefer this as it makes it easier to not over think everyhing he says.
I get frustrated that we did have a good life together, he was negative so much of the time it was hard to even be around.
I'm really thinking of the last name thing and trying to decide what's best for S. I don't want him to take after his Dad's family. Maybe a last name doesn't even matter. S is so sweet and kind. ExF has worked 7 days a week for years with a month off or weekends off here and there. So I've essentially raised our kids.
Hi MMM. Glad to see you back here. I'm new to this myself, as you know, but it sounds like you are doing the right thing. It sounds like there are a lot of changes your XF needs to make in his life, in terms of his behaviors, attitude, and parenting. He needs to figure that out on his own, in my opinion, while you focus on yourself and your children.
I have nothing to say on the last name thing other than I wouldn't make a decision about it right now. Status quo until you are less emotional about your sitch, would be my recommendation.
Me: 40 W:39 T: 19 M: 12 D4, D7 EA/BD: August 2017 EA ended: Oct 2017 MC: Oct 2017 - March 2018 W signed lease: July 10, 2018 W moved out: Sept. 14, 2018
Hi MMM. Glad to see you back here. I'm new to this myself, as you know, but it sounds like you are doing the right thing. It sounds like there are a lot of changes your XF needs to make in his life, in terms of his behaviors, attitude, and parenting. He needs to figure that out on his own, in my opinion, while you focus on yourself and your children.
I have nothing to say on the last name thing other than I wouldn't make a decision about it right now. Status quo until you are less emotional about your sitch, would be my recommendation.
Thank you for your feedback. I was starting to wonder if others could see my thread. :+)
His last name was a hard decision for me. But at the time it seemed like the right one, still does I think.
I haven't heard anything from him in 4 days now. This is the longest we have gone without contact. It seems to help me as I'm not trying to decipher what he is saying.
I've been doing a lot of house projects. I completely re-orhanized the MBR. It looks great and so cozy. Last weekend I painted the entire first level and got rid of a lot of clutter.
When he came to get S he noticed where holes in the wall we're patched and wanted to know who patched those (I'm guessing he was assuming a guy). It was me, I'm pretty handy.
When he picked up S he asked what I did over the weekend, if I had a lot of guys hitting on me, what I did Friday because he said I was acting secretively about it. He did say that I don't have to tell him. Idk why he even asks then.
When he wanted to ML and I said no, he said he had thought that maybe we shouldn't bc I probably hooked up with someone over the weekend.
All of his behaviors are of, I don't want to be with you but I don't want you to be with anyone else.
In all of this my only hope is that he realizes he wants his family back and realizes the things he did to destroy that. I still am not sure if he is a WH or WAW it MLC. I don't think there is anyone else.
I have done some bad DB things in the past and am working on not doing those. I guess at the end of the day if he was so unhappy with our lives then I should be happy he is away. Truth be told, we we're both unhappy. I wanted him to change and he wanted me to change.
I'm going to continue my GAL. I'm working on detaching and haven't quite figured out what my 180's are. I've always been positive and upbeat. I would actually get yelled at for walking around the house winging bc it was annoying to him (and my children, ha ha). So my 180's would probably be to not care what he is doing maybe... Keeping the house uncluttered and clean... And not wanting to have talks...
So ex and I decided to try to reconcile in November. Things have been relatively good with some hiccups. We aren't living together right now and actually haven't discussed that yet. He wants that to naturally happen and fall into place. My dilemma is, while we were separated I filed for child support. My plan was to keep that in effect for 6 months and if things were going well, cancel. He essentially is giving me an ultimatum that it needs cancelled now and he will give me money, just not through child support. He believes the child support calculated figure is too high and he can't afford it. I'm just not sure if this is a manipulation or not. I'm struggling with what to do. I feel like if he loved me as much as he says he does, this would be a non-issue. He thinks the same, only reversed. This week has been terrible, we have barely spoke as he needed space to think about child support. I think he is being ridiculous.
I've been maintaining my IC. When he came to me wanting to work things out, one of his selling points was that we should go to couple's counseling. I agreed and asked if he would set it up, he hasn't. This all is a lot harder than I anticipated.
In order for reconciliation to work, the wayward has to really want it. If he wants it bad enough he will pay child support.
My ex did the same exact thing to me. I used to post as julieh and I wrote all about it. He was trying to get me to not file by stringing along reconciliation. Filing for child support was the absolute only thing i did right. It helped me financially and established me as primary custodial parent.
You can always keep money on side and reinvest if things are right between you.
Talk to a lawyer. DO NOT JUST GIVE UP CS. Once you give it up, he can quit his job and work under the books and then would have to give u nothing right?
In order for reconciliation to work, the wayward has to really want it. If he wants it bad enough he will pay child support.
My ex did the same exact thing to me. I used to post as julieh and I wrote all about it. He was trying to get me to not file by stringing along reconciliation. Filing for child support was the absolute only thing i did right. It helped me financially and established me as primary custodial parent.
You can always keep money on side and reinvest if things are right between you.
Talk to a lawyer. DO NOT JUST GIVE UP CS. Once you give it up, he can quit his job and work under the books and then would have to give u nothing right?
How often does he see your child?
I will try to locate your thread. We recently switched the kids weekends so that they could all be together on the same weekends (we have his, mine and ours) and essentially we would only have to get a sitter for ours to be able to spend alone time together and do family things too. He was getting him every other weekend. For the past 2 months we have spent nearly every weekend together. The child support was an issue within the first month and I wouldn't budge. He lifted his ultimatum only to now bring it back. He said this is the happiest he has ever been, etc. He just can't get over he child support thing. Yet, he says he is willing to essentially give it up.
He wants a compromise but I am not sure what kind of compromise is even possible here. He says he knows this relationship will work so he doesn't understand why I am stuck on my decision.
.... I'm just not sure if this is a manipulation ....I would love the opinion of others.
I would bet manipulation. I have not been following your thread at all. Just from my gernal understanding of human behavior.
If he truly want to reconcile, you will know if you keep the child support in place.
When he initially wanted to work things out, my gut reaction was between sincerity or him just not wanting to pay child support. I still get confused on this at times...
