You are absolutely correct, of course, about cultivating a relationship with oneself and learning to love oneself and realize that you are enough. It is hard and uncomfortable work. I have spent most of my 40 years avoiding that type of self-reflection and introspection because I was vaguely aware or, at the very least, afraid that I wouldnt like what I would find, that I was inadequate, or incompetent. Silences used to bother me and I would fill them at all costs with noise, music, conversation, or even thoughts. I wonder how true that is for a lot of people, more common than you would think is my thought.
I am cultivating a mindfullness practice and learning to live in the moment. Beyond that I have found that taking some time each day to be in silence with myself is a positive strategy, to sit with myself and look at myself without judgement but also without avoiding the tough questions. There is still a gap between the intellectual knowledge that I am enough, that I am loveable and full of love - and feeling that course through my veins in an undeniable expression of truth. It is like when you talk about gratitude - when I really feel it and am not simply going through the motions it generates a physical response. I can feel it and know it is real.
You talk about the pain being related to the feeling of inadequacy afterwards, and I agree (to an extent.) I think the feeling of inadequacy, at least in my case, clearly predated the relationship. The relationship propped me up artificially and helped raise me out of the mire of those feelings. Unfortunately, those external supports are never as strong as building a better emotional structure within. There is no replacement for loving and valuing yourself.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
btw Benito, I would love to get more reading recommendations if you have them.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
It is hard and uncomfortable work. I have spent most of my 40 years avoiding that type of self-reflection and introspection because I was vaguely aware or, at the very least, afraid that I wouldnt like what I would find, that I was inadequate, or incompetent. Silences used to bother me and I would fill them at all costs with noise, music, conversation, or even thoughts. I wonder how true that is for a lot of people, more common than you would think is my thought.
This! This! This!
It is the same for 98% of people! I promise you.
People may have things that stop them from facing it - such as a functional marriage, or good children or a decent career... but it is always there. From being a child our greatest fear is being alone. As an adult we have 30 years of coping mechanisms that cloud us. Once they fall away i.e. marriage - we feel lost and desperate. But its a false image - we are enough. Just takes a few years to trust yourself again - but as you say its painfully hard because its not the reality we are used to. But make no mistake it is reality.
I will send you those books in a hour or so when i get home.
The way you are speaking now in the last post fills me with confidence. That's exactly where you need to be.
There is no replacement for loving and valuing yourself.
AMEN! IMO this is the single most important thing to learn if you want to move forward. You don't need anyone but yourself and don't allow your WAW the satisfaction of believing she has that power. She is the one who is weak.....F that.
Imma add myself to the chorus of AMENs here!! There is absolutely no replacement for self-worth, self-love, confidence, and internal validation. It is all really hard work, but it does come. I'll add self-discipline to that as well. Jocko Willink has been kicking my a$$ when it comes to that and I am working on it every day. Tough stuff but small increments of progress.
I guess Whitney Houston said it best when she sang- "Learning to Love Yourself- Is the Greatest Love of All!!! - This is what we all have to Learn!! Happy to be part of this tribe!!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
I feel really lucky that Benito has taken an interest in my sitch. He always has great insights.
V, are you still around? You were a life-saver early on but I havent heard from you recently.
A little more journaling:
Today I arrived in Moab and Arches National Park. The word awesome has lost much of its power, but the sheer scale and beauty of Arches is awesome in the truest sense of the word. It provokes a feeling of awe and amazement that grabs your soul. I just kept exclaiming "Holy sh@t" over and over again. Gratitude for being here mixed with a feeling of connectedness with the universe, with nature, with the eons that it took to form the cliffs, monoliths and arches. Of all the places I have seen in the world only the Grand Canyon has provoked a similar reaction in me. What a privilege to experience the wonders of the natural world like this.
I received some crazy advice at a bike store to go for a ride in the park at 3 p.m. despite the heat, since there is less traffic at that hour and it is safer for riding. I didnt realize how hot it was, nor how high (right around 5k feet), nor how up and down the ride was. Even on the way out of the 16 mile ride I had to stop repeatedly to catch my breath and drink from my camelback as the road rose steadily for over 5 miles. I had planned to do 20, but cut off short, which proved to be a wise decision. On the way back the final 2 miles were all a steady incline and I realized that I had used up all 3 liters of water in my camelback. I could taste the dryness in my mouth, my lungs were burning, and I started to feel dizzy from exertion even though I was stopping at every pull-over to catch my breath. When I saw a family parked in one of them I asked for some water and thankfully, they gave me a bottle. Even still, I had to stop and walk my bike a quarter mile up the hill and rest for another 5 minutes. When I finally crested the hill and got back to my car, I saw that it was 106 degrees outside! I cant remember the last time that I reached the ultimate limits of my body. Another mile or two and I feel like I would have passed out on the side of the road. The danger of the situation and the precariousness of my body in those extreme conditions was apparent.
It is amazing how an experience like that clarifies the mind. I wasnt worried about my sitch, or about becoming a better person or any of that. My mind was singularly focused on reaching my car, drinking water, resting in the AC. It was pure and utter mindfullness because the situation demanded nothing less. In a real sense it purified my mind, stripping out the inessential, the worries about the future or nostalgia for the past. It was about survival. I wouldnt recommend for anyone to put themselves in a similar situation, but I am thankful for the opportunity it presented (and for making it through it!)
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Yesterday was a fabulous day. In the evening I went for a sunset hike on a very poorly marked trail that led to spectacular views. It was a bit sketchy and I was completely on my own - not a recipe for success, but I enjoyed taking the risk. Unfortunately, some distant thunderstorms began to draw closer (not what I was expecting in the desert of Utah), and the final straw was a loud clap of thunder as I had gone half a mile on a near cliffs edge, scrambling on stone and very loose soil. I decided that was not the place to get stranded during a thunderstorm so I hightailed it out of there and 2 miles (all uphill) back to the car. I got there just as the drops started to fall. It ended up being a spectacular storm to watch from the safety of a car.
Unfortunately it didnt cool down my campsite, which was at 84 degrees at 10 pm. It was sweltering in the tent, I opened the flaps that I could, but had to leave the rain cover on as it was intermittently doming down. I dont think that I slept more than 5 minutes the whole night. Eventually my thoughts, which had been positive all day turned dark and towards my sitch. I simply couldnt sleep.
Eventually I got up for good at quarter of five and set out in the car to get an early start on my sunrise hike. It was beautiful, but I was a zombie. Worse, my leg locked up on me in the last mile or so. No more hiking during my time here, which really [censored]. Now I am totally stressed, sleep-deprived, and anxious - its a toxic combination with which I am quite familiar. Its just a matter of getting through today and hopefully getting some sleep tonight. Ill take some NyQuill and hope that helps, but it is rough in the heat. The other option is leaving town a day early and renting a cheap motel room with AC.
Just gotta get through today.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
