I'm talking to my dad right now. Good to catch up with the parents.
Evidently W called them yesterday for the first time since BD in April. She talked to my dad for about 25 minutes. He said she felt guilty and lonely, she missed talking to them. It is interesting that she called them now, just after texting me. But I will brush it off like the proverbial duck shaking water off its back.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
This is reality kicking in for her! There has to be an experience of loss for them to have a change of heart and see what they have done, and it may lead to recon, but not always. With you being out of the picture and NC, she is sitting with herself and all what she's done.
This is a good sign that you are doing things right. Not that it will lead to recon, but that she's now realizing the realities of her path and she has to contend with that on her own alone. What she does with it, time will tell. So, don't backslide and just keep moving forward for yourself.
I dont really see it as a sign of anything. My W was very very close with my dad. They may have talked more often than he and I did. She also has been wracked with guilt about the breakup since BD, so I dont see this as anything new. All of her family is out of the country so it makes sense that she adopted mine. However, it did get me thing about the R which isnt great. I will shrug it off and be fine in a bit, but the thoughts are flying fast right now.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
I think it is a good sign Davide, may be the guilt but it is still a sign that shows you that she is not all sorted out either. Your trip is a boon to you. Did she actually tell your dad she is guilty or lonely or did he infer it from the convo he had with her?
A show she may want to buy a ticket to at some point in the future, however if you keep on the right path, you might even surprise yourself by moving so far forward, that you see her as a step back.
Keep strong and keep going... long long road ahead.
Thanks for checking in! I appreciate it. I have a question about your sitch that isnt clear in your most recent posts. You mention being depressed to the point of having suicidal thoughts, but then it is clear that you transitioned to recovering and even augmenting your self-worth. Can you comment any more on how you made that transition? (I wish we had your old threads!)
A little journaling
Driving nearly 12 hours is interesting, as I definitely get into a flow with it. I did the first 6 plus hours basically without stopping. Podcasts about sports, Italian, This American Life, took up the majority of the time, as well as a book on tape. I did spend a good half hour or more at one point in silence. Part of that time I did some light meditation, concentrating on my breathing and the sensations and sights around me. The final two hours I listened to music to break it up. Once again, I got emotional while singing along and listening to music - it seems to draw the emotion out of me. Somehow on my Spotify playlist "Under Pressure" by Freddy Mercury and David Bowie came on not once but twice. Each time I sang along and ended up in tears as I got to the following part
Can't we give ourselves one more chance Why can't we give love that one more chance Why can't we give love give love give love give love ... And love dares you to care for The people on the edge of the night And loves dares you to change our way of Caring about ourselves This is our last dance
Obviously it made me think about W and the failed R. However, the last part also spoke to me - how love forces us to change how we care for ourselves, and how this is our last dance. I'm certainly working on changing how I care for myself. I hope it is motivated by love. Certainly failed love, but hopefully something more than that. Perhaps some deeply buried love for myself.
The past few days have been really nice. In Portland I really got to know a friend in a deep way. We had only casually known each other for 4 months in xxxxxxx before he moved out here, but he was very much a role model for me. At Crater Lake, my friend goes back to my days in xxxxxx as we met before I even knew W, but he visited the two of us a lot in xxxxxxx as he has family there. So, it was a much more established relationship, and someone who knew both W and me very well. In fact, he visited about a month after the separation and was helpful to me then as well. He is a great listener and a compassionate friend. He also encouraged (peer-pressured) me into leaping 15 feet off a rock into the 56 degree water of Crater Lake. I was happy to take that as an opportunity to once again face my fear, in this case of heights and frigid water, head-on. I am proud of myself for the way that I am dealing with those fears rather than avoiding or denying them.
I continue to work on practicing gratitude. I feel very lucky to have been able to spend so much time with good friends over the past few weeks, culminating in the final few days. More than the exotic locales, or the adventures, it is the quality time with these people that I value most and am most grateful for. I have tried to take advantage of the opportunity to really talk honestly and make myself vulnerable to these people that I trust, and the response has been really positive. I hope that I can continue to form stronger bonds when I am back in xxxxxxx, as that is something that has been missing from my life there.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
For me personally I always had low self esteem. A lack of self worth. I didnt know this at the time, but my behaviours and the way I would act would always be seeking validation outside of myself.
When I lost the main person who gave me the validation i.e. the Wife, my whole world fell down not only because she validated me on a personal level, but also how it looked to the outside world as well.
For example, If I meet an old school friend and he has a nice house, pretty wife - there will be part of me that thinks - He must be an ok guy.. Otherwise how would he had been able to achieve the things he has.
So when I lost mine, it was a double whammy because not only did my wife not want to be with me anymore, but it validated all of the things that my parents made me feel for so long i.e. that I was not good enough.
As humans, we are all the same. The only thing that is different from me to you, is our experiences in life and how we interpret them. Rather than seeing an event in life a singular thing, that comes and goes, and thats it - many of us put that in our mental suitcase and carry it around with us for the rest of our lives. The problem with that is - if your self esteem is quite low - you can get into a subconscious routine of always doing certain things to validate how you feel - and you get stuck in a non productive cycle - enough though it might feel totally natural or normal for you to do so.
The key for me personally was to understand that despite how I interpreted the world - the world didnt give a f**k about my sob stories. Time was moving on regardless. Everyday that went by focusing on what I didnt have, and why my wife had left etc.. Was another day wasted that I could not get back.
So I started to read the Happiness Advantage by Shawn Anchor - which identifies that living life through a positive mindset allows your brain to perform at a higher level. So rather than working hard to complete a job to get that happy feeling at the end.. You reverse the process so you would be happy at the beginning which would allow you to do a better job in the first place.
Any progress will come from a place of gratitude. If you are thinking about how sh*t your life is and thinking about why me? - then you are trying to ski uphill.
If you write on a piece of paper all the things you are grateful for i.e your health, your passion for football, your ability to draw/design, the love you have with your dog - i.e. things that you are truly grateful for and read then each morning before you get up (and truly feel the gratitude) it puts you in such a different mind set to approach the day its unreal.
A lot of people on here who are hurt from their wives leaving - a lot of time has nothing to do with how great the relationship is, its more to do with dealing with the feeling of rejection and inadequacy. So they struggle to try and get that relationship back to fill that hole - rather than get it back because that person was right for them.
Its easy when you have been hurt to try and get a quick fix/response to counteract that pain - but if you are able to just exist not go searching to avoid the pain, 6 months in, and you start to become more accustomed to yourself, your mind, your emotions, what you like, and what you dont like. You start to have a relationship with yourself. I promise you (this isnt hippy nonsense) but that feeling is worth more than any relationship you will ever experience.
Then you will NOT need to come to a board for advise - you will be so confident in your ability to manage yourself that the answer will flow into you naturally and you can take on the world with confidence while being true to yourself - and you will find new people will find that attractive without you even trying - you get more for trying less. The more yourself you truly are - the more you attract. The more you try to be happy or do the things that people suggest to be happy - there more you get lost.
D- so happy that you are experiencing some incredible things on this trip along with great interactions with some wonderful people. I have witnessed some growth and healing in your sitch and wish you continued success. Your posts always seem to trigger a certain level of depth which helps others like me grasp and retain concepts better. Thank You!
Benito(Mr Miyagi)this is LoneWlf(Danielson). Thank you for the many lessons (Wax on- wax off). To hear actual words of enlightenment from "the master" is very inspiring. I also want to comment on your BLUNT-to the point- explanations. Although very hard to hear -it strikes to the heart of the matter -on point with no sugar coating. Thank you for your continued lessons and support of this board!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
D- so happy that you are experiencing some incredible things on this trip along with great interactions with some wonderful people. I have witnessed some growth and healing in your sitch and wish you continued success. Your posts always seem to trigger a certain level of depth which helps others like me grasp and retain concepts better. Thank You!
Benito(Mr Miyagi)this is LoneWlf(Danielson). Thank you for the many lessons (Wax on- wax off). To hear actual words of enlightenment from "the master" is very inspiring. I also want to comment on your BLUNT-to the point- explanations. Although very hard to hear -it strikes to the heart of the matter -on point with no sugar coating. Thank you for your continued lessons and support of this board!
Thank you.
Honestly, hand on heart- it is no problem what so ever.
I have been there and try to give the advise I would have wanted with hindsight in my situation.
Alot of advise on here is great, I just find (from a personal level) that some people are more interested stopping the pain happening - rather than understand that the pain isn't necessarily the breakdown of the relationship, but the pain of feeling inadequate afterwards. So people chase the wrong things to fill the wrong gaps. And that (in my opinion) is were people don't get the results or just continue to spin their wheels.
A relationship in any form should compliment us - not make us.
