Advice Needed To Deal With WW - Part 2

[OrangeK]

Bewas. Please, take it from someone with FAR more EXP in the field of pointless pursuit and mind reading, It simply isnt worth it.
I know its SO HARD to resist, i still struggle hard with this, it has taken countless sleepless nights and a whole lot of damn pain to get to the point where i realize ALL it does to mind read is keep you in the addiction loop.

Your brain is chemically hooked on WW, for the 5 min of relief (or more pain depending on what you see when you snoop)
you will cause yourself hours and days of needless pain.

In regards to the "I dont care" stuff, it still "shows" emotion.
If you really didnt care, you wouldnt need to voice that. It would be evident in your responses or lack there of.
Theres no need to be mean, callous, or (like i have a tendency to do) be passive aggressive and sarcastic.
It gets you nowhere.

How often do you read Sandi's rules?
They didnt REALLY start (i sya start because i still have miles to go in this regard) to sink in until i was reading them daily.
Or anytime i would start to spiral out of control.

Being STRICT with yourself about these things is your best way forward.

The faster you stick to this regimen, and REALLY STICK to it, the faster you will detach, and heal. and when that happens is when you may see the results you hope for.

I still have to wait and truly detach, I expect no good results, but im detaching for ME. not her.

One thing that helped me was to stop thinking in these terms, at all. Nothing but danger down this path,
"If i Do X will WW notice? what will her reaction be?"
"Why would WW say/post/text that?"
"Does she miss me?"
"XYZ proves she is still thinking of me"
"Does she regret this?"
or anything to that effect.

This is a hurdle i am still in the air clearing, ill let you know if i smash my knee on the hurdle. lol.

[Bewas]

This is yet again, great advice. I'm not actually so much concerned with looking at her stuff anymore as I had been. Just more curious as to the reason she would have blocked me all of the sudden. Can't figure out if it's to keep me from seeing her stuff or to keep her from seeing my stuff as I've been GAL lately? I suppose it could be both.

I want to ask her why but I won't as that wold just make me seem weak as you've said.

I think the simple answer and all you really need to know right now is that she blocked you because she wanted to block you. I snoozed my wife and a couple of her friends on FB a couple weeks ago. It has helped me not worry so much about her. Your W made a choice to block you. You don't have to make the same choice. You don't have to let her choices influence any that you make for yourself. How will you choose to live your life and grow to be the man you want to be?

Well I suppose that is definitely the simplest answer. Of course she did it because she wanted to. I guess I'm just trying to delve into her mind a little too much at times. A lot of the things she does make no sense most of the time. She's apparently also blocked one of her brothers as well. Oh well.

When my niece left her husband, she blocked a lot of people on FB. I am not on FB but apparently there is a way to "block" people where they don't know they've been blocked or something? You don't see their updates or something. IDK, but she did this because there were people in her life on FB that wouldn't just blindly accept what she was doing. WAWs want acceptance and enablement, and cut out anyone from their life that doesn't provide that.

Yeah, they just block you and you cannot connect with them in any way until they unblock you. They cannot see your posts and you cannot see theirs. You are not notified of it.

She definitely seeks to be enabled wherever possible but has been pretty much cut off from everyone at this point other than her new "friends". It's pretty sad tbh.

[Bewas]

Bewas. Please, take it from someone with FAR more EXP in the field of pointless pursuit and mind reading, It simply isnt worth it.
I know its SO HARD to resist, i still struggle hard with this, it has taken countless sleepless nights and a whole lot of damn pain to get to the point where i realize ALL it does to mind read is keep you in the addiction loop.

Your brain is chemically hooked on WW, for the 5 min of relief (or more pain depending on what you see when you snoop)
you will cause yourself hours and days of needless pain.

In regards to the "I dont care" stuff, it still "shows" emotion.
If you really didnt care, you wouldnt need to voice that. It would be evident in your responses or lack there of.
Theres no need to be mean, callous, or (like i have a tendency to do) be passive aggressive and sarcastic.
It gets you nowhere.

How often do you read Sandi's rules?
They didnt REALLY start (i sya start because i still have miles to go in this regard) to sink in until i was reading them daily.
Or anytime i would start to spiral out of control.

Being STRICT with yourself about these things is your best way forward.

The faster you stick to this regimen, and REALLY STICK to it, the faster you will detach, and heal. and when that happens is when you may see the results you hope for.

I still have to wait and truly detach, I expect no good results, but im detaching for ME. not her.

One thing that helped me was to stop thinking in these terms, at all. Nothing but danger down this path,
"If i Do X will WW notice? what will her reaction be?"
"Why would WW say/post/text that?"
"Does she miss me?"
"XYZ proves she is still thinking of me"
"Does she regret this?"
or anything to that effect.

This is a hurdle i am still in the air clearing, ill let you know if i smash my knee on the hurdle. lol.

This is such amazing advice, Thanks OrangeK! I know you've had a rough go of this and to hear your perspective of what not to do is always welcome.

It is hard to resist at times...but I actually have been much better about it lately. My snooping quite often a month ago has become almost no looking now. I was just curious as to why she would block me but that's just me mind reading and pointless. However...when I did look last, I found out she was trying to rent out part of my house from under me AGAIN...which is serious and nothing to do with DB'ing imo. Not trying to justify snooping because I know I need to stop completely regardless and deal with situations like the above as they come I guess.

Yeah, in terms of the "I don't care", I completely forgot about the form of validation I'm supposed to use when dealing with situations where I normally would use an "I don't care". I do think I've at times been a little passive aggressive, less so lately, just more stern. But I'm going to try the validation method next time I interact with her. I think it will be much more effective while not giving up ground.

I read Sandi's Rules but not every day. I think I'll need to start. It will help speed up my detachment. (which is happening more and more every day I feel) I have been going long periods without thinking about her anymore. Sometimes triggers still happen of course but not nearly as much as even a few weeks ago.

Of all the terms to think of you laid out, honestly, the only one I've been asking lately is "Why would WW say/post/text/ that?". I guess at times I do wonder if she'll notice something but it hasn't been the catalyst for me as much as just improving myself and getting someone else if need be, lol. I hate to admit it but I've been thinking of that more and more lately. I know she doesn't miss me right now, i know she isn't thinking of me, and I know she probably doesn't regret this right now so I have no point in asking those questions and I haven't been. The only regret she would have right now is for herself and the situation she's got herself into. Whether that changes remains to be seen I suppose.

Thanks and good luck to you clearing that hurdle!

[Bewas]

So not much new today on the sitch front.

She did text me this evening asking if I could take him earlier than anticipated this week. Friday evening instead of Sunday evening because she apparently works on Saturday. To her credit she said if I couldn't take him, she would have to get a sitter. I have plans already for the weekend and asked her to just try to find a sitter this time to which she agreed. I wasn't going to adjust my plans for her anyways unless it's an emergency.

I did end up asking her how our son was doing. I knew he was probably ok, just kind of needed to hear it. She said he was doing great and I said that's good to hear and left it at that.

[SteveLW]

Nothing wrong with asking about your S. In fact, this is where a lot of DBers get NC wrong. No Contact means you don't discuss anything BUT the kids with the WAS. Just don't ask how she is doing. Ever.

[Bewas]

Nothing wrong with asking about your S. In fact, this is where a lot of DBers get NC wrong. No Contact means you don't discuss anything BUT the kids with the WAS. Just don't ask how she is doing. Ever.

Yeah, it was something I wasn't sure on. I'm glad it's ok to occasionally check in on my S to make sure he is ok.

I'll have to make sure to not ask her about anything in her life. I guess I did kind of screw up a little when I asked her last weekend why she didn't go on the girls trip she was planning for months. I did find out she is "apparently" seeking counselling by asking that, which is interesting but I'm not sure it's true or not. All it did in the end is show I'm probably still interested at least a little to her.

I feel I'm now much better armed for our next interaction.

I'm assuming it's ok for me to ask her of her plans to move out or stay in the house though right? I'm not talking about harassing her about it or even going out of my way to ask, just when I see her and maybe bring it up. I kind of need to know stuff like that moving forward.

We haven't placed our home up for sale yet but I'm wondering if that's maybe something that should be done sooner rather than later? I don't think the reality of losing her home has fully hit her yet. She's done nothing to look for a place on her own. I personally don't care anymore, as I've decided to never go back to the town we lived in regardless. My W and I had talked in the past quite often about moving to where I am living and am going to stay from now on. I'll be happier here regardless. If she decides to come back, she would have to move to where I am. It's actually something she wanted way more than me in the past anyways I suppose.

I personally at this point have not lifted a finger in regards to divorce proceedings or even talked about it unless forced to. I'm letting her do all the hard work in regards to that. At least right now. I may hit the point months down the line if this continues and want to do it myself...

[Bewas]

Nothing wrong with asking about your S. In fact, this is where a lot of DBers get NC wrong. No Contact means you don't discuss anything BUT the kids with the WAS. Just don't ask how she is doing. Ever.

Yeah, it was something I wasn't sure on. I'm glad it's ok to occasionally check in on my S to make sure he is ok.

I'll have to make sure to not ask her about anything in her life. I guess I did kind of screw up a little when I asked her last weekend why she didn't go on the girls trip she was planning for months. I did find out she is "apparently" seeking counselling by asking that, which is interesting but I'm not sure it's true or not. All it did in the end is show I'm probably still interested at least a little to her.

I feel I'm now much better armed for our next interaction.

I'm assuming it's ok for me to ask her of her plans to move out or stay in the house though right? I'm not talking about harassing her about it or even going out of my way to ask, just when I see her and maybe bring it up. I kind of need to know stuff like that moving forward.

We haven't placed our home up for sale yet but I'm wondering if that's maybe something that should be done sooner rather than later? I don't think the reality of losing her home has fully hit her yet. She's done nothing to look for a place on her own. I personally don't care anymore, as I've decided to never go back to the town we lived in regardless. My W and I had talked in the past quite often about moving to where I am living and am going to stay from now on. I'll be happier here regardless. If she decides to come back, she would have to move to where I am. It's actually something she wanted way more than me in the past anyways I suppose.

I personally at this point have not lifted a finger in regards to divorce proceedings or even talked about it unless forced to. I'm letting her do all the hard work in regards to that. At least right now. I may hit the point months down the line if this continues and want to do it myself...

In addition the above, Do you think that even if my W struggles pretty badly with our S for her first whole week with him by herself (which I think she will tbh), she probably won't say anything to me about it I'm assuming? Even just out of pride? I also have been pretty unwilling to offer help of any kind lately as well...

Thoughts?

[Bewas]

Nothing wrong with asking about your S. In fact, this is where a lot of DBers get NC wrong. No Contact means you don't discuss anything BUT the kids with the WAS. Just don't ask how she is doing. Ever.

Yeah, it was something I wasn't sure on. I'm glad it's ok to occasionally check in on my S to make sure he is ok.

I'll have to make sure to not ask her about anything in her life. I guess I did kind of screw up a little when I asked her last weekend why she didn't go on the girls trip she was planning for months. I did find out she is "apparently" seeking counselling by asking that, which is interesting but I'm not sure it's true or not. All it did in the end is show I'm probably still interested at least a little to her.

I feel I'm now much better armed for our next interaction.

I'm assuming it's ok for me to ask her of her plans to move out or stay in the house though right? I'm not talking about harassing her about it or even going out of my way to ask, just when I see her and maybe bring it up. I kind of need to know stuff like that moving forward.

We haven't placed our home up for sale yet but I'm wondering if that's maybe something that should be done sooner rather than later? I don't think the reality of losing her home has fully hit her yet. She's done nothing to look for a place on her own. I personally don't care anymore, as I've decided to never go back to the town we lived in regardless. My W and I had talked in the past quite often about moving to where I am living and am going to stay from now on. I'll be happier here regardless. If she decides to come back, she would have to move to where I am. It's actually something she wanted way more than me in the past anyways I suppose.

I personally at this point have not lifted a finger in regards to divorce proceedings or even talked about it unless forced to. I'm letting her do all the hard work in regards to that. At least right now. I may hit the point months down the line if this continues and want to do it myself...

In addition the above, Do you think that even if my W struggles pretty badly with our S for her first whole week with him by herself (which I think she will tbh), she probably won't say anything to me about it I'm assuming? Even just out of pride? I also have been pretty unwilling to offer help of any kind lately as well...

Thoughts?

Just kind of a bump for the above questions/observations.

I was asked to go to a golf driving range with my brother and sister in law last night. My goodness did it trigger way too many memories for me considering I taught my W how to golf...it was very difficult. More difficult than I thought. I guess I still have a ways to go towards detaching completely.

I've been getting this feeling that I should be checking in on my house more than I have been...I just cannot trust her in regards to either my things which are mostly still there or her having people over which I do not approve of being in my house, I feel I should have the right to restrict who enters my home considering I'm still paying for it do I not? Any thoughts on this?

The last few days I've been thinking that the only way I'll be able to let her go fully is to find somebody else...I've just felt so lonely and that is when the thoughts start to creep in. I also feel on the other hand that it is way too early to be jumping to someone else. I'm very confused right now as the situation just feels so hopeless right now with her. I've seen a potential wearing down of her but then the next day I'm blocked on FB. I have no idea what to think anymore. My mind is like a yo-yo at times, jumping from a scr#w you W mode to a wanting her back and forgiveness mode. I've been avoiding the idea till now but is it a bad idea to go on even just some friendly dates?

I just feel very lonely and lost today...

[SteveLW]

I would not say anything to her about moving out. Also, you moved out to give her space. Don't start micromanaging. Most here will agree that you SHOULDN'T move out, but now that you did you can't act like you still live there.

If you want to do anything, move back home. Take back the MBR. She can either stay or go from the MBR. (Many here will advocate booting her from the MBR if she is in an active A, but you don't seem sure of that.)

And no she probably won't admit that she struggles with S for a few days. WHy does that matter?

[Bewas]

I would not say anything to her about moving out. Also, you moved out to give her space. Don't start micromanaging. Most here will agree that you SHOULDN'T move out, but now that you did you can't act like you still live there.

If you want to do anything, move back home. Take back the MBR. She can either stay or go from the MBR. (Many here will advocate booting her from the MBR if she is in an active A, but you don't seem sure of that.)

And no she probably won't admit that she struggles with S for a few days. WHy does that matter?

Yea...the only reason I did start staying somewhere else is that it fit my situation for the future far better than staying. Way more opportunity for me if I stay where I am currently, especially job wise. I suppose that it would have been better to stay in regards to the situation with my W but there were other concerns to think of as well. I'm not "technically" moved out as I haven't moved any of my things or even said I was moved out. Just been staying somewhere else for now.

I could move back, or even move back part time I suppose (a day or two a week), there is nothing she could do about it. Maybe I should do that so I can go over all my things and kind of assess them anyways. I am as of now not sure of any active A's. I'm sure there was though at some point.

It doesn't really matter I suppose if she does struggle with our S. It is just another reality of the situation she's caused for herself though.

Thanks for the input Steve!