My wife's midlife crisis

[Gerda]

I agree with Marvin and wow, how well-written! My H sent me many announcements of divorce, lawyers, etc., and never followed through. I have friends in my standers community whose H divorced, moved in with another woman and then the marriage was restored 1-2 years after that, some who went through remarriages and even children and the marriage was restored 3-10 years later. (This kind of wait seems to me only possible if you are standing with God's help and understanding marriage through faith, but I suppose it's possible without faith too!) Then there are those who didn't want to wait it out or couldn't for various reasons and didn't have a restored marriage. I liked DnJ's idea of waiting til his youngest was done with high school to move on, and until then just being on his own and healing -- this allowed hope to continue but a projected end point to the pain to be comforting now. And the pain does lessen,it really does. Right now you feel like you will die from the pain, but you won't. You'll get stronger.

Point is, you always have a choice and you should never take anything she says as the last word until she is herself again.

We all know the pain you are feeling, as we have all been there! Sending you a huge hug.

[FaceMan]

Hi everyone - thanks for your replies.

I am in this for the long haul - but like everyone else has experienced, I find it all so terribly painful and hurtful. To see someone I have spent more of my life with than anyone else, just dismiss our history together and to concentrate on all the tough bits, is just incredibly heart breaking. I have moments where I wonder how I'm going to get through this. I can't believe some of the words coming out of the mouth of someone I was once, so incredibly close to.

She has told me I'm a great guy and have been a great husband and father, but she has changed and just wants to go and live alone, where she knows she will be happy and believes everyone else will be as well. Classic MLCer?

In terms of what to do differently? I just don't know. I have given her time and space; I don't pursue; I don't beg, call, text, email or do anything that can be thought of as pursuing; I've made some changes financially, but that is to protect me. Agree with her decision and run with it....I can do that.

Where we live, she told me she has no grounds for divorce. It has to be based on separation. Without my consent, she needs to wait five years; Its a long time. I need to think whats best for me and the kids.

Thanks for the huge hug.....

[Babe]

Gerda: I agree with Marvin and wow, how well-written! My H sent me many announcements of divorce, lawyers, etc., and never followed through.

Same here !!!!!

Husband made announcements of divorce and did move out but never filed.

In certain way he was trying to say : back off, I need time and space...
However when he was deep in that dark place of midlife crisis, he regressed and is lacked of ability in expressing the troubles/emotional problem he had... all he did was trying to find himself. He was a incapable teen.

While she/he's making things all messy, you could have your life rebuilt, get the life you want and live it to the fullest.

[FaceMan]

Thanks Babe - and how did things work out? Are you reconciled with your husband?

I'm pretty low right now....I'm struggling to accept how she is feeling and the reasons behind why she wants to end what has been an overall fantastic relationship with significantly more happier times than sad ones.

[Gordie]

Struggling to accept

Yes we all do

And it is a process and takes time

Like grief you need to let you feel all the other steps life anger before you get to acceptance

And your view of the happier vs sadder times is true for you

But it as if your w lived a different marriage

She is seeing and feeling something different very different and incomprehensible

I am less good at validating than others around here

But I have learned to be a good listener even when I am hearing crazy but not attacking I have learned to patiently listen so she feels heard

No need for me to agree but also no need for me to disagree just listen

[ciluzen]

atFaceman,

You seem to have a pretty healthy attitude about this, despite being pretty low right now. Your mood will wax and wane with the MLCer's actions, despite your best efforts. That's normal. How could it not?

It sounds like you are doing everything you can to approach this in a healthy way;self care, DBing, attempting to understand. There are feelings there that may not be fully understood even by the MLCer themselves.

I've been D since around November of 2016. Its hard to believe that for me. I immediately started the process of taking pre-requisites for a masters degree in marriage and family therapy, got into the program I wanted, and have less than one year to go before I finish. I see clients at two different internship sites as well as going to classes. I can't escape thinking about XH with each thing I learn or with each client I see. Apparently, I do my best work with couples. It can be emotionally draining, as I get to hear the strugggle often from people who are going through their own MLC...and don't even know it. But it has allowed me to hear it from the horses mouth, so to speak, and gain some understanding of what my XH was/is going through. So much pain and confusion. That "fog" is not just depression. It seems to be that point we get to, a normal developmental stage, where we question what its all about. Is there something more out there? Does our partner really love us or are they just there? Do I really love them? The excitement of the honeymoon phase has worn off and now its all responsibility and routine.

Maybe they feel their partner is too involved with kids and they feel left out, bringing up attachment issues from their own childhood. Maybe they are the partner that feels their life is all about caring for others and they decide they are feeling overworked and underappreciated and want to feel free again...me-time. Maybe they feel stuck ...in their job, their life, their routine...and start fantasizing about change; something to bring excitement and unpredictability and a semblance of that feeling we all had when we were young and the world was in front of us and full of shiny possibilities. Sometimes its a change of clothes and a new hairstyle. Sometimes its a new interest, hobby, lifestyle. Sometimes its the attention of another person. It wears off, eventually...or wears down. If we're lucky, they learn about themselves in the process, or reach out to someone who can help them to gain some understanding of where those feelings of panic, pain, lostness are coming from and help them pick through it while retaining some understanding of the importance of communicating and sharing needs and wants with their partner.

I have watched as my own XH has struggled...he's a tough one. He really will not acknowledge emotions and stuffs them down hard...even though they bubble up through the cracks at times. He even speaks of emotion and feelings negatively..as things not important and not to be shared. He's not a "touchy-feely kinda guy", though he is...it just comes out as little yelps of pain and surprise, a tightness in his jaw, or softness and wetness in his eyes which he quickly laughs off or screams out. I had a talk recently, where I acknowledged some memories of something that I had gained a deeper understanding of, and had met with him to share my new insight and apologize. He was astounded, showed he felt understood, accepted the apology with a surprised, happy, even loving look on his face...then immediately pulled out his phone to show me his latest ski pictures so he could change the subject and not look me in the eyes again...too much emotion for him to deal with. Or maybe he saw my hopefulness?

I seldom contact him anymore, but he will randomly reach out to me at times. I believe that DBing and treating him respectfully, kindly, with concern while trying to give him space has been helpful in making me seem somewhat safe and consistant to him. I will admit, I've lost my $h!7 a few times with things I've found out and reacted to which may have set us back, but I'm learning. He's still in MLC and may even come out and decide he's better off without me, but even though the behavior is bad, I still feel some sort of pull to him. And as much as I received validation from the fun of dating, I'm done with that for now.

Its a slog. It has no known end time. The best advice I can give you is what you've heard over and over again: to be patient, consistant, loving and respectful. To listen and validate their strengths. Maybe even their looks and choice in flattering clothing, if there is insecurity there. Ask clarifying questions (not to many) to show that you are listening to understand when they talk. Respect their need for space and privacy...most likely you have become an emotionally unsafe person whether because of past reactions or because they sense your need to influence them when they are not ready.This takes time. A lot of it. When you are with them, to be a safe person you just need to be there...fully but not intrusively. That eye contact...is paramount.

Good luck and be prepared for anything. That light-house story? I suggest you memorize it, find the true meaning in it, and hold it close to your heart.

[Babe]

FaceMan, as hard as it is, i bite the bullet and tried all I could to get the life back; the life without husband. I'm standing and show him my love could be and will be unconditionally. Most difficult thing was how he attacked me with the evil words and denial of the wonderful history we had.

It is very hard and what you're feeling is normal, the doubt and the pain you had, I pray that you will have enough strength and you will survive and become stronger !

I really like the word from this forum - love your spouse from distance (when she/he is in midlife crisis)

This is a very good place to learn knowledge, the knowledge that will help you the most !

[FaceMan]

Thanks again for you support and encouraging words;

My wife has again spelt it out that she wants divorce and we are no longer a family;

I just simply don't understand it; some of the issues she raises, speaks volumes of poor communication and a lack of communicating things that have annoyed her over the years that were never mentioned at the time.

She states that she feels weighed down by marriage and being in a relationship. She has changed from life events that have been thrown at her over the years and being in a relationship with me is no longer what she wants. She is no longer in love and doesn't feel the same about me like she used to. The marriage should therefore end; it feels like such a waste; she seems to be of a negative mindset and nothing is going to change her mind.

I am now letting go and letting her go down her chosen path; its very hard though; today she initiated a casual 45min conversation in the kitchen whilst cooking dinner telling me all about her day, her friends, her issues at work and her schedules for the coming weeks. It was like old times and the routine conversation of an interacting, happily married couple. I listened, didn't interrupt, didn't offer solutions, maintained good eye contact and it felt like there could be hope...?

Surely someone in the throws of initiating a divorce would not want anything to do with their awful spouse? I also note she hasn't removed her wedding ring? Its incredibly frustrating. Is there hope?

I'm torn between hope and letting go. Its tough...I like the lighthouse story....thanks again people.

[Gordie]

Faceman

If you have time on your hands read my threads

My w spent over a year acting in these contradictory ways which rationally make no sense

It is not a choice between hope and letting go it is believing and hoping that the best path to reconciliation is letting go

The more we try not to let them go the more trapped that they feel which you also see in the distance and pursuit dynamics

Stay strong and work on finding your own center which is no longer your w

[MarvinF]

Gordie is spot on, I just want to add do not try to analyze and rationally understand what she is doing, there lies madness. She is not rational, she is fractured. It is as if there are completely conflicting set of desires and personas in action. So if you try to read tea leaves you will go mad. You are seeing the confusion and contradictions in her behaviour,

Maybe this will make it clear: when they are in incredible pain and need support from person closest to them they cut off and alienate that support. Does that sound rational?

So stop, stop analyzing, stop looking for signs and accept she is lost. For now. Detach, let go, move on. Otherwise you will realize soon that you are in so much pain that you may drown or hate her so much you never want her back.