Well her car is acting up. She msg me last night and mentioned it. One word response was sorry. She said"I think it's the spark plugs". I replied your smart. I know she was reaching, thinking I would say, I'll look at it tommorow, but I didn't. She called this morning about S6 dentist appointment. I was short with her, I was also asleep. Now I know I shouldn't fix the car, let her deal with it. What if she breaks down with kids? What if it makes her think I'm just being a douche. It's all confusing
If she breaks down with the kids and calls you, go pick them up. Don't leave them stranded. But you're right. Her car repairs aren't your responsibility. If she thinks you're being a douche, so what? You aren't trying to be a douche, are you? You're just giving her what she wanted. A life without you. If she mentions it again, just tell her she should probably go get it looked at somewhere...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
MTB, gave great advice about the kids and if the car break down. If she tells you she thinks its her spark plugs, it's ok for you to give advice, like you would a person on the street.
Her, "I think it's my spark plugs".
You, "hmmm, why do you think its your spark plugs.
Her, "because, blah blah blah.
You, "ok that sounds right or that sounds like it might be blah blah blah. Take it to the local auto store and ask for blah." Then you say, I hope that helps and end the conversation. No douche bag with that response.
Don't run to her rescue and dont go to the store for her. She's on her own now and being on your own, has responsibilities, like taking care of your own car.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Apparently she is going to trade it for a running car, prolly half the value. It's prolly something I can fix in an hour. It's her problem. I won't be buying her anymore cars, that's for sure. Looks like today she's starting to try to dance. Wanted to know what time I was dropping kids off at babysitter, it's not a concern for her she is at work. Never asked before.
My book the persuit (I think that's the name)will be here in a couple of days I'm excited to get it.
Hi Chris! Just read through your thread and had a few thoughts:
1) Don't feel like you are alone! There are people on this board willing to help... people who want YOU to succeed... to be a better and happier "you" and to have a better life, whether or not that life eventually includes a MR with your current W. I sensed some frustration and desperation in your posts earlier, as if no one was listening and even if they were no one would be able to understand or help because your situation was different or unique. I know exactly how you feel because i was in your shoes, once, just a couple/few weeks into my situation, and i will tell you this: You are right! Your situation is different! You could look for 1000 hours and not find anyone on these forums in exactly the same sitch as yours. But you know what? Even as everyone's sitch as different, if you look hard enough you will be able to find something common and something useful in just about anyone's situation, even if that situation is in most respects different from yours. And this is particularly true of people who post to your thread. Many if not most folks who have posted and will post on your threads do so because they see something they recognize... because they think they have something to contribute because of something similar in their own experience or background. So don't be turned off or get discouraged by becoming focused on what is different about someone wlse's sitch... instead look for the commonality, for the little nuggets that do match up and that can help you. I can tell you after being on here for more than a year now that pretty much everyone on here has something valuable to offer. I notice that both Sandi2 and artista have both posted to your thread... they are two of the most experienced and trusted veterans on these forums, past WWs themselves, and their insight is priceless. You are blessed that they have taken an interest in your sitch. But don't ignore other posters, either.... We are all interested and all here for you and want you to succeed! If at times your thread seems "dead" or you are not getting feedback rapidly enough, just remember that you are new here and people are still "finding out" about you and also that most of us have real life families and jobs, like you do, that stretch us pretty thin. So, hang in there, we're not going to abandon you, even if sometimes for brief spells it may seem like nobody is listening. We are here for you and, if you are a person of faith, know that God is there for you as well. Keep posting! (And another tip is to try to take time to post on other folks' threads as well-- it gets your name around in the community and people you post to are more likely to turn around and post back on your thread. You may think you have nothing to offer, but you do and, even if you can't think of anything by way of advice, even a kind word of support is greatly appreciated.)
2) WWs have all studied at the same "WW Academy" and/or have read the textbook. It never ceases to amaze me how similar the things that various WWs from such differing backgrounds and marital situations can all say and do nearly the exact same things! I am really shocked that someone in the psychiatric field has not noticed and documented the phenomenon, so commonplace does it seem from the posters on these forums. They all lie, they all temp check to keep you on as plan b, they all say some variation of ILBINILWY, they all want to live the "GGW" lifestyle and go out and party with younger and/or wilder friends, they all believe that their APs are their "forever soulmate" and they all put themselves first (even over their children). My own WW even said, numerous times, "I know I am being selfish and i don't care... it's time for me to take care of me and what i want."
3) I also noticed that you took note of how much of a loser and "scumbab" the OM in your case is. This is also not uncommon. Almost all WWs in an A are "affairing down"-- that is, having an affair with someone less desirable, usually much less desirable, than their spouse. Not sure i have ever seen a good explanation as to why this is so, though it does seem to be objectively "true", even at the risk of appearing to be hurling sour grapes. Whatever the reason, it lends even greater importance to GAL-ing and being the best "you" you can be. A couple of posters on here are fond of saying "be the type of man only a fool could leave." The specifics are up to you, of course, but fitness and "cleaning yourself up" are good starts. Alot of us as the years and marriage wear on tend to let ourselves go in terms of both fitness and dress. sounds like you have definitely gotten in better shape, so good job! Keep it up! Maybe try changing your wardrobe up, changing the way you shave, wearing cologne (or changing from your old cologne). I recall having a good friend in a similar sitch to me relating how his own WW had told him at various times how certain smells or looks (clothing, etc) would instantly bring back all the negative feelings and associations she had to him. So change things up! And do it for you, not for her. You might be surprised how much better it can make you feel. And members of the opposite sex (and eventually perhaps even your W) will notice. I know that mine did and said so fairly early on, even though it was months and months before she shook off her wayward mindset and closed off the OM and her other damaging relationships. But, like i said, don't do it for her... because she will see right through it and despise you for it. Dont just act like a better, more desireable man, BE that man. And that includes being a good father to your kids. There is a great poem posted somewhere on here called "The Lighthouse". Look it up if you can. You can't change her, but you can be the lighthouse. All part of being the best you you can be.
4) On the subject of the OM... Don't get too complacent or let down your gaurd just because OM has seemingly kicked her to the curb. The OM is not the problem-- her wayward mindset is. And until she kicks that, she will not be ready for the kind of relationship with you that you want to have. Not even close.
5) Your kids. Having children involved makes it tough, really tough. Especially when one is special needs. I am familiar with that aspect myself, having a son with very profound Tourette's Syndrome, which acts very much at times like autism and which some docs actually put on the high functioning end of the Autism Spectrum along with Asperger's. I was relatively blessed in that my own MR problems didn't come to a head until my children were older (16 and 17), but it is still not easy for them (and perhaps harder in some ways because they definitely pick up on that something's wrong). But, at any rate, i still know where you are coming from. Just be there for them, man. Be the good example and the bastion of strength and the shining light in their lives. They will need it.
6)If you are worried about their safety and have good reason to suspect OM is a danger, then ABSOLUTELY do something about it. Get a background check on the dude... or run one yourself through one of the dozens of online services. If you find something, you can absolutely take legal action to protect your children from him (consult a lawyer in your jurisdiction to find out exactly what, but do NOT take chances with your childrens' welfare.)
7)Standing up to your W and reclaiming your balz: On the staying at your house, i know you said you work and you had "no choice" but... there is always a choice. She chose her path and it was away from you and the family. She turned herself out, she can stay there. You were actually given a great gift in her leaving of her own accord-- alot of WW's try desparately to stick around in the house, and in most if not all cases there is no legal right to force them out and it can be dangerous to try. But she left of her own volition. Change the locks. Get a babysitter or nanny for a couple of weeks if childcare is an issue. But she needs to feel the natural sting and bite and consequences of her actions. She will not feel those consequences if you welcome her back with open arms. Search for Doodlers 2-step plan, it is pure gold. I have read on here several times and it proved true for me and i think it is one of the most valuable truisms written her concerning WWs: "You will never be so attractive to her as when you are walking away."
8) Did i mention GAL? Of course i did, as does everyone else. Dont neglect it. The two most fundamental and helpful GAL activities i found and which i seem to hear alot about on here are fitness and faith, but you need to find what works best for you. Don't be afraid to stretch yourself and get outside your comfort zone.
Okay, so, another very long post from hoosjim. I am (in)famous for these, lol. Best of luck, and my thoughts and prayers are with you!
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
My gosh thank you, the support from strangers here is indeed amazing. I always read others I follow many, but am weird about advice because I am so new to this and really suck at dB and all things I should be doing. My WW is like all others in character with the twist of maybe drugs involved other than just pot. Her sister was a WW, got on meth right around same age as my WW. I just put this together the other day. As I may have mentioned, her father commited suicide when she was four, her mother and sister are on meth. I can see how her head is a mess. I still love her and hope to get her straightened out, I just loose more and more hope everyday. We are starting to argue more about kids, she's tigbtening her grip on my balls. I am afraid in a few more months it will be an all out war for them.
I appreciate everyone more than you know, as I spend hrs and hrs a day reading your situations and rules and guidance.
Yep she's mad as hell, I'm at a all time low cause I won't fix the car. What about the kids. Etc.
I read a lighthouse story somewhere about building it over time with resentment, and peeking out every once in a while. I can't find that story for the life of me
WW's on drugs are the worst. I speak from experience. I hope yours isn't, but if she is, buckle up. You need to be strong for you and your kids. You are going to see one of the most selfish monsters you have ever seen in your life. She will try to manipulate you and guilt you into getting what she wants. Keep a clear a head and do what you know is right. Don't fall for her tricks. You got this...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
Chris sorry about your sitch, I have been following on and off and you seem to get good advice from a lot of veterans, I would heed to every word they have to say. the lighthouse story is on Cadet's homework links, it gives me strength on darkest days and I love the picnic story too. The Lighthouse Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619
