It is hard to believe that I am up to my 4th thread on here. I guess it goes to show how much I have relied on this community for support over the past two months. So many people have taken an interest and reached out in positive ways (and sometimes with a 2x4) all with goal of helping me. It is sort of incredible when you think about. Complete strangers on the internet helping one another through one of the most difficult situations in life without any compensation other than the knowledge that they are helping and actually making a difference in someones life. So many people here have helped me, but especially Maika, Vanilla, Cadet, Ste7e, Steve, LoneWolf, Nicole, Joseph (and I am sure that I am missing others). Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I can honestly say that I dont know where I would be right now if not for the help, guidance, and support that I received here.
I am still out on the West Coast, for another 4 nights before I start my long trek back. 3.5 weeks into an 8 week trip. My body is tired of driving so much, it is tough at times to adjust to the lack of a routine. I generally love to eat out, but after 3 weeks straight it gets tiresome and it is hard to eat as healthy as I would like. Physically I feel tired and falling apart a bit. This is my 4th straight night in the same bed which is a nice break, but I still struggle to sleep more than 6 hours.
I am a bit disappointed in myself in terms of the work I am doing. I have not been practicing yoga nearly as much. I have not been journaling my emotions nearly as much. I have not been reading my self-help books nearly as much. The weight of travel as well as the desire to spend as much of my time here with my friends has cut into my motivation. I think also as I lose more and more hope in my sitch (good for detachment) my motivation wanes. Obviously this is misguided as the changes are for me, not for the W or the R, but it is real. I think I need to push back more against this. I do still struggle to know when to push back and resist and when to gently, compassionately accept and lean in.
I am trying to live in the moment and enjoy them for what they are. To enjoy the beauty of looking out over the Puget Sound, or the excitement of watching World Cup soccer. My thoughts eventually tug me back into the reality of my situation, but I do enjoy the escapes. But arent they just as real as my situation? Isnt it just opening myself up to the reality of this very moment? I still struggle to identify what is a "distraction" from my sitch and what is just healthy, joyous, mindful living.
One worry that does intrude upon my consciousness is how I will react to returning home. I will be back in a little over a month, and I keep picturing the house half-empty after my W has taken out all of her things, the clothes in our marriage bedroom, the plants throughout the house, the desk/computer in her office, the decorations that marked our life together. I am sure that it will be an emotional moment to return to an empty house (of course our beloved dog will be there to greet me). It will be the biggest 2x4 across the back of my head. I am not sure if it is healthy to keep picturing it and preparing myself for it or best to banish those thoughts and deal with them when I have to, i.e. when I get back. _________________________
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Davide, Good to hear from you again. My thoughts are you are on this trip for you enjoy likes precious moments. Make these memories for you to cherish. Bask in the moment of healing and growth. As for when you get home - My S said to my W once in a therapy session the best way to deal with fear is to go thru it. I feel you are well on your journey. I wish you much success!!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Being present and mindful is EXACTLY what you should be doing. Do not think of it as an escape or distraction.
Also, there is no getting around that there is indeed an element of DBing that is literally for the potential benefit of the relationship and to give it a better chance of reconciliation - hence Divorce Busting. But those are just some of the possible side effects and all one can do is hold some hope that the spouse eventually comes around, yet be sure in the knowledge that even if they do not, you are going to be okay!
M: 40 W: 37 T: 20 MR: 13 S13, S9, S4 BD: 1/29/18 Sep: 4/23/18 (I moved out) 8/24/18 I come home, she moves out
If you want to get out of the hole, drop the shovel.
Absolutely. The fear is often more paralyzing than the actual event or even the consequences.
My question is how much I should be facing and leaning into now, as opposed to waiting, not worrying about the future and dealing with it when it comes time to dealing with it. Its more a question of timing in my head.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Good to know you are having a good trip Davide. Remember not all of us due to various reasons are able to step away from our sitches and change the scene to put things into perspective. I feel when you are too close to home and walking through the memory lanes every day detachment becomes that much harder. Reading through your trips brought some old memories of the same places I visited over the years with WAH, well there is always some tinge of pain I guess. The opportunity you have in being able to stay away and make new memories for yourself is precious. Hope you make the most of it and when you get back you are stronger and ready to go face first into your sitch.
Thanks. You are absolutely right that it is a privilege to be able to take this trip right now. I am reconnecting with friends that I haven't seen in years and seeing new and beautiful places. Detachment does become easier in this context, no doubt.
That said, when you talk about old memories and tinges of pain, that hit me hard today. I accidentally wandered in a park to a spot where my W and I spent a wonderful evening at a friend's wedding 5 years ago. It raised all kinds of sadness and nostalgia. I had to go back and look at one of my favorite photos of the two of us from that night with the Space Needle behind us. I had a very cathartic cry in the car as I let the emotions flow through me. I have frequently had brief pangs of nostalgia and sadness, but this was the first full-on breakdown in a while. Luckily I was going to speak with a close friend afterwards and was able to talk through it with him and get a nice long hug, which I was starved for.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Today was a rougher day probably because I didnt sleep as well. Lots of memories and flashbacks popping up in my head. Plus I was leaving the relative safety and comfort of Seattle where I had two very close friends for the next stop. My mind didnt really settle until I got to a climbing gym in Portland and got to work climbing. It is a strange form of exercise, but mentally it is great as a challenge and a way to focus. It is complete mindfulness up on the wall.
It was once I had moved on and forgotten about my sitch that I unexpectedly got a text from the W - 2nd communication in 4 weeks - "I hope you are doing well." My thought is to respond tomorrow saying simply, "great, thanks" I figured I would reach out here first to take my 2x4s.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Hi Davide, they say the only way around the pain is through it and youre definitely allowing yourself to feel it and sit with it and thats really good for the healing process even though it feels really really bad. Try not to torture yourself too too much with pictures and such. Ya know, it just [censored] that out of the blue they send these dang one liners. Invade your head space uninvited. It frustrates me to see that happen to you right now. I dont even know if Id respond. She didnt ask you a question, just a statement. Just let it be I think, thats my thought on it.
Glad youre getting some exercise and finding some peace with climbing, sounds helpful. Maybe ill give it a try, they have a climbing gym here and my older two would probably love to go with me.
M: 43, H: 44 Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs S17, D15, D8, S6 Still living in MH
I can sit and speculate for a number of reasons why she sent you that text, but it is a dead end really because you will never know for sure. Don't reply to it and let it sit. It does suck when they reach out to you exactly when you're trying to heal and figure yourself out. You don't need to hear from them.
