On their way to their cottage, they encountored a blonde girl on a 4 wheeler. Out of the blue and infront of OW, ex asked D18 if OW3 has ever tried to get in contact with them. No need to say that OW got p@ssed. The whole week-end turned into a blame game and OW constantly saying: " it' s my fault again, it' s always my fault, right?".
Ex- h did some fishing and kayaking alone with D18. He brought her back 2 hours late. Not surprised.
Why is he playing the fields all over again? Why did he want to be present at my mother's funeral? Why hers? ( she did not speak english and was not close to him). Why not my 2 brothers or step dad?.
Who is his family? What on earth is he doing?
Last edited by job; 07/28/1801:10 PM. Reason: edited a word
Triangulating. Creating tension by involving new / outside people to keep the inside people on their toes. You've always known that his relationships with his various OW haven't been stable from everything I've read. Circling back to a prior relationship is pretty common for someone who is unfaithful because it's easy.
Being an OW and knowing that cheaters cheat and liars lie must be uncomfortable.
And he's looked over his shoulder and you've moved so he wants to be sure you are right where he left you. It's (I believe) part of their selfishness. He was kind to show up to your mother's funeral though. Accept it as an isolated fact but understanding is beyond us all.
Repeat this over to yourself "pas mon problème". In a month or so I believe you will be down to 1 child at home - you'll need to practice some recipes for smaller pies. That's more important.
But - I know this is tough (((exquisitetobe))) Do your best to not get news of or about him.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Liars lie... do they ever. They twist things up until their new truth makes them the victim.. unbeleivable. I am raging again. HOW CAN I CUT HIM OFF WHEN THE KIDS WANT HIM IN THEIR LIVES? I am making myself sick over this.
I am at a point of whatever happens, happens. D15 is with him for the week-end.. ex is on a high. His goal is to address her boyfriend. On a high, i know it will be ugly.
I got blasted on text again this week. I was accused of being a cold heartless _______, an idiot, a self centered ----, The one to blame because my standards were too high and would have cause him to have a heart attack.
Of course, i cried, i felt like i was nothing, worthless.
D18 was with me in the car when the texts came in. I was driving her to work. I told her i felt worthless and she says: " how do you think we feel? Constant fighting back and forth now, i don't even want to go in because i don' t know what you' re gonna do? You need help."
I am overwhelm.. i have too much to cope with. A pill will not fix things. Don' t they get it? Yes, i could use help but not from a pill, FROM THEM!!
For me to disengage... Here are 6 warning signs that the person you’re arguing with is a psychopath and it’s time to disengage.
1. They lie and make excuses. Everyone messes up every now and then, but psychopaths recite excuses more often than they follow through with promises. Their actions never match up with their words and their lies disappoint you so frequently that you actually feel relieved when they do something halfway decent. They’ve conditioned you to become grateful for mediocre treatment.
2. Their tone is condescending and patronizing. Psychopaths often try to make you unhinged in an attempt to gain the upper hand. Throughout the entire argument, you’ll notice that they keep a calm and cool demeanor. It’s almost as if they’re mocking you — gauging your reactions to see how much further they can push. When you finally react emotionally, that’s when they’ll raise their eyebrows, smirk, tell you to calm down, or feign disappointment.
3. They employ mind-blowing hypocrisy. In heated arguments, psychopaths have no shame and will often begin labeling you with their own horrible qualities. It goes beyond projection, because most people project unknowingly. Psychopaths know they are smearing you with their own flaws, because they are seeking a reaction. The point is to lure you in so that you react and seem “crazy” to onlookers.
4. They seem to have multiple personalities. When arguing with a psychopath, you’re likely to notice a variety of their personas. It’s sort of like good cop, bad cop, demented cop, stalker cop, scary cop, baby cop. Once you begin pulling away from their manipulation and lies, they’ll start apologizing and flatter you. If that doesn’t work, they’ll suddenly start insulting the qualities they just flattered two minutes ago. As they struggle to regain control, you’ll be left wondering who you’re even talking to.
5. They play the eternal victim. Somehow, their bad behavior will always lead back to a conversation about their abusive past or a crazy ex or an evil boss. You’ll end up feeling bad for them, even when they’ve done something horribly wrong. And once they’ve successfully diverted your attention, everything will get messy again. Psychopaths cry “abuse,” but, in the end, you’re the only one being abused.
Challenging times. Focus on you. Grieve your mother. It'll take time.
Stop wondering about why ex does anything. Use that energy more constructively.
What help do you seek? From your kids? Family?You sound like you are spinning. Change your focus and get back to yourself.
I too liked the letter you shared earlier. I may even repost it on my thread to reread. Thanks for sharing
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Oh, Exquisite, my heart aches for you. You sound so sad.
When your mind is in that place, it's so hard to climb out of it.
But I will say this -- my mom was in a similar state when I was a teen and in my 20's. I think she was in MLC, actually, and my parents got a D. I always felt so much responsibility for making her feel calm or happy, and I also had to hear way too much about my dad. This caused me intense anxiety, panic attacks where I would end up in hospital, etc. I want to encourage you to set your kids free from that -- Give them the gift of not having to worry about you. Find a support group, go to confession even if you are not Catholic, talk to a counselor, pray, go into the forest and yell at the universe. Find a million other places to vent so you don't have to vent to them. You have a heavy cross to bear but I just wanted to encourage you not to ask your children to carry it. You don't have to worry that they won't know the truth about their dad, they will. But if you encourage them to love and forgive him, or at least don't make them feel bad when they want to, they will be able to grow into themselves without as much anxiety.
MLC and D are horribly hard and it's all so unfair, I feel just the way you feel a lot and get the same panic and fear. But that fear is not of the light, you can battle it -- and you can also lift that battle from your kids shoulders as a gift to them.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Here is the dance: Ex-h comes to my mother' s funeral. Ex- h offers D18 to move her with the trailer belonging to MY SISTER! Then, turns around with a : nevermind, probably not a good idea. Last week, he asked D18 if she had people to move her as he made plan with S20. I thought Son20 was helping us?? Ex-h tells D18 he will go next week-end to finish setting her up. Tonight, out of the blue, he shows up at the house with boxes and tells her he will see her in a couple of months as he is going hunting. He has the audacity to tell her he loves her.
She smiled and said she loves him to. The end.
It is all in the appearance. Their ego. Their image. No responsability, no labour, no obligations. All image..
I refrained from interacting with him and i am glad i did cause i got triggered by him brushing her off.
Yep, it's all about appearances. Your xh is absolutely nuts, i.e., bouncing off the walls. I'm glad you didn't interact w/him.
Keep focusing on you and your children and be sure to take time for yourself. Breathe!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you Job ! It is so easy to lose focus when ex-h is all over the map .
D18 is now an independant and scared young woman. We were able to move everything in one trip with the help of her friend. Once there, we got more help from D22 and future son-in-law. From shopping to unpacking to assembling and arranging, her place looks warm and cozy! I am so happy for her. Her insecurities shall soon desappear as her new routine takes place. Her friend is staying with her one extra night and i will be heading back there again on Thursday but this time, it will be for fun. I will spend time with D22 until Saturday. Then we will all go on an adventure to do a 4 to 5 hour hike in Killarney. It is said to be the most beautiful hike in Ontario. I can' t wait!
Since we were told that Son was going hunting with his father, we planned the move without him. Well, i should have known better. Yesterday was his girlfriend' s birthday and she posted her gifts and a cake that my son made for hef. ( a cute ladybug cake from a heartshape pan.. woww!! My son, the romantic! Then it clicked, he did not go hunting. I am 100 percent sure they would have came with us in North Bay and celebrated her birthday with us all. I was desappointed in me for not checking in with him prior to leaving.
Another crap from ex-h: he had told D18 he' d purchased a microwave for her and left it at D22' s. We got there and nope, no microwave. Only stuff D22 wanted to give to her sister. Last night, she gets a text apologizing for not droppung the microwave at my house the other night. ( NEVER A DOLL MOMENT). once again, where is the hunting in this?
Since ex-h is messed up and trying to gaslight each and everyone of us, my plans for next week-end might get cancelled last minute by an unexpected visit from their dad. It would not surprise me so i am making a plan B for myself to explore other territories on ky own for the rest of my week off, and if i am right, Killarney will be posponned to another time. I want the kids with me for it!
As for me having one less child at home, i thought i would be ok. I know i will be but tonight, i can' t sleep. Lol That is why i came on here. Maybe releasing a bit of my thoughts on here might help? I shall soon see..
Long post ahead.. I need to backtrack to our last text exchange who went down like so: Ex- h made mention about money to D18. So i let him know that i gave D22 her full account as her grad present. A substential amount of money and since she graduated, he no longer had to give me any money for her.
Ex-h: Ok, so why are you telling me this now? Did she buy a car? D22 told me this already that you gave her that money.
Me: No. They are looking into it. I did not know she told you. ( wich now explains why he brought it up to D18)
Ex-h: ... you know you were smart to put money away for them. I thank you for being smart and thinking ahead for them.
Me: ( feeling angry for his lack of responsabilities towards them... unjustified on my part). Ya well.. my priority is on MY FAMILY!!!! For you, i might be just some woman who raises your kids but for them, i am the head of household. I look out for them 24/7 . But i do have to thank you. They would not have the cash if it was not for you. ( under my management ) Good night!!
Ex-h: I try my best
Me: You give everybody just enough to keep them on and have your cake.. No ones feelings matter.. Don' t try... BE AND DO. It should not be a choice. It break my heart...
Ex-h: I broke my own heart leaving the same roof as the kids. Until this day you don't see who you're and are always making others feel like [censored] unless it's your way. I left you and didn't give up on wanting to be a part of their life. I swear had I stayed and tried! I'd probably be dead by now having a heart attack living my life to your standards and doing only what you wanted to do. I had enough of you trying to make me feel like [censored] (my name)
And grow up teaching our kids to hate me! I hear the things you say to them about me which again just proves you're a mean cold hearted ------. Last time D18 got hurt I didn't hear about it unit you guys were done at the hospital leaving. Had to hear it hours later by Son beating around the bush!!! ( refering to her car accident wich he was on speaker phone when the doctor came in the room.. but we did not call?) But you have the nerve to always send messages trying to make me feel like [censored]. But don't tell me about D18 car accident. All of them have phones. So there's no need for you to be messaging me anymore. I'm done hearing your rants.. save it for some one else who's willing to put up with it. I gave you 20 years of my life and even after that you're still and [censored] towards me. So don't bother responding to me just to get your last two cents in. Don't call me nor message me anymore. At all. Kids have my number if they need me. I don't need you hear your [censored] anymore. I don't need to hear your [censored] again. Ever. I hope i'm making myself clear.
Me: Yup... a cheater and abuser will always be a victim... Ask Lyne, ask Kim, ask me..
We all deserve what you do to us all.... Why did you come to my mom' s funeral??.?
Ex-h : One last time. Stop messaging me..
Me: Decide who you want to be... quit trying to blend all of your side life into ours.... do you realise all the dammage that it cause???
Ex-h: Telling you now to f*ck off! Shouldn't have to keep telling you to stop bothering me!!! I don't [censored]'n call or message you to put you down [censored]!! Don't give a [censored] if you share those kind words with the kids...I shouldn't have to tell you to stop bugging me after this long.. I don't need you to tell me I hurt them. I know you idiot!! What you don't see is your self always focusing on others and what they need to fix!!! Too stupid and stubborn to look at your self and fix your self instead of taking it out on others..so leave me alone ( my name)
Me : Mirror.. you sound like you did 12 years ago. So how can we fix [censored]? Or we just keep doing the same old things and expect different results?
The end Since this exchange, ex-h no longer have snapchat wich is where he had contact with the kids.his reason (what he has told the kids).. to many random women sending him nude pics and was creating a problem in his relationship.. ( wowww...lol)
Second: he has changed his personnal phone number to block me access to him.. another wow.. I never had his personnal number nor his e- mail address.. even back through the big D, we had to communicate through his lawyer which was a bonus for us..lol The only access i have is an "on-call" number ( lies but ok) wich we text on. D18 and D22 know this is the only access i have. They shared their analysis of his behavior and they are spot on. D22 has noticed when OW3 is in the picture, ex-h wears his leather jacket and shav his arms.. yup.. i did not share this info with them way back when.. they see it.
This exchange between D18, D22 and me took place last week-end. D18 added that out of the blue, ex-h called her to let "HER?? " know he would still give me money for all 4 of the children for as long as D15 was in school.. She did not know why he told her this. In my opinion, he wants them to beleive he cut the rope with me.
Now Saturday, he texted D22 to ask ME if it was ok for D15 to be alone for the night at home as she did not want to be picked up late.rather wait until morning. She answered for me that it was ok with me since she was working the evening shift and D18 has her location through snap chat. We keep track of her and D15 has been really, really good.
Again, making them both beleive he has cut the rope because i am evil..lol
D22 just purchased her first car!! Woohoo!! ( the reason of my visit..co-sign). While there, i viewed 4 houses and one stood out.. perfect location for D15. The french Catholic school is one block away. Ski club in the neighbourhood. Quiet, new residential developpement away from high traffic yet close to school and still in town.. I dropped in at my bank to have my pre-approved credit tcheck.i should get an answer by the end of the week. Also, the management job opportunity i turned down last year has been sent to me every 2 weeks since. Eventho they have a manager since June, i still get e-mailed .. ??? i' m pretty sure my chances of getting into Sobeys are high.. with a decent wage attached..
Time will tell.. it seem like everything is hinting me to go.. the school, the beautiful house, the job and as of today, offering of a single man looking for someone who loves to explore, hike and travel..lol ( future son-in-law' s co-worker) his co-worker was saying how lucky Son-in-law was to have a wife who loves doing this stuff with him and asked if he knew of someone. My name came up..lol
