You can't. You have to BE detached. They had the right idea in Swingers:
MIKE And what if I don't want to give up on her?
ROB You don't call.
MIKE But you said I shouldn't call if I wanted to give up on her.
ROB Right.
MIKE So I don't call either way.
ROB Right.
MIKE So what's the difference?
ROB The only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take her back when she wants to come back. See, you can't do anything to make her want to come back. You can only do things to make her not want to come back.
MIKE So the only difference is if I forget about her or pretend to forget about her.
ROB Right.
MIKE Well that [censored].
ROB It [censored].
MIKE So it's almost a retroactive decision. So I could, like, let's say, forget about her and when she comes back make like I just pretended to forget about her.
ROB Right...or more likely the opposite.
MIKE Right... Wait, what do you mean?
ROB I mean first you'll pretend not to care, not call - whatever, and then, eventually, you really won't care.
MIKE Unless she comes back first.
ROB Ah, see, that's the thing. Somehow they don't come back until you really don't care anymore.
MIKE There's the rub.
ROB There's the rub.
What we're trying to tell you is you need to work on your detachment. Detachment isn't something you just wake up one day and do, it takes time. A lot of time. All the things we preach here about getting out, GAL'ing, giving her time and space, all of that is really engineered to help you detach. Detachment is the goal. When you're detached then you are in a position to decide whether you want a new R with her or not, and when you are detached you won't CARE which way it goes because you know your life is awesome regardless.
I think I want to see the situation come full circle and be resolved to gain the closure ill never get from her. I need to get to where i need neither, and im just DONE.
What do you mean by the situation going full circle? I don't think it will ever be resolved. You are looking in the wrong direction for closure. You are looking at her.
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As stated before, all i want is peace and quiet, stability and advancement. I did think i was happy. It was the happiest i have ever been. i miss it. this is what keeps me cycling back. I want that back, i miss how she made me feel, Invincible, perfect, confident and able to do anything. I dont feel that way anymore at all. I Feel defeated, deceived, stupid, helpless, powerless and broken. I feel like an empty shell walking around pretending to be alive.
It's understandable that you would miss those feelings of happiness, and the ego boosting. I wish you would not give her so much credit and power. It sounds as if she took a shell of a man and turned him into perfection. Then she had the power to take it away. Part of those feelings probably came from falling in love and then being crushed. Part of it sounds as if you were emotionally dependent on her to give you those high feelings of being invincible and perfect. I mean, who wouldn't have a hard time adjusting when the source to all of those terrific emotions was suddenly removed? It is similar to how a person in an affair feels. Like they are the most special person in the world, then if they stop all contact with the affair partner......they go through withdrawals. There is no closure in an affair. It has to die without answers or explanations.
Although you were M to her, I think you experienced the love bombing in the beginning, and you're feeling the fallout now........all similar to what happens in an affair. You crave those feelings, and it causes you to stay emotionally attached to her.
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I think of her as an abusive controlling person when i am feeling confident and determined, and when i start to spin out, and cycle downward, my mind goes back to the "She is WW and may snap out of it, she doesnt know whats wrong with her, she still loves me deep down, and is denying it out of shame and guilt" I know this is wrong, and need to stop letting myself think this.
I think the goal should be to have your confidence come from within yourself, rather than from a connection to her. Focus on the things you know you do well, and set goals for areas you want to improve.........but that have nothing to do with her whatsoever. Some men tie their confidence to their jobs, physical skills, mental abilities, level of education, etc. I'm saying to find something other than a relationship to build your confidence. Build that man you want to be.
So how does one ever get closure? I've not been in your shoes. I have experienced loss and pain. Time and distance does help. We get peace by accepting that we can't control the other person and/or the situation, and we stop watching it. Stop trying to be a part of it. Stop reacting to it. Whenever you catch yourself thinking about her, consciously do something to distract yourself. I know this doesn't work all the time, but the point is to help yourself by stopping what you know isn't helping your mental/emotional health, like dwelling on her and OM, getting revenge, justice, closure, etc. Look ahead and write a new chapter in your life.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Frankly your WW isn't like others. She behaves in a cold manipulative way.
Why the hell would you want an OM anywhere near S3?
V
I know V. its like i married Dracula. Charm and all.
I dont want OM anywhere near S3, but i dont have a choice in that matter. Not within my sphere of control, WIFE will do what she wants when she has S3, thats how it is.
S3 is safe and having the time of his life with my parents for an entire week. so im fine with that.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
Just typed out a long long angry rant about how i am feeling depressed and angry as hell right now. I blamed her, cursed her, and admitted to some awfully dark thoughts.
then I decided to stop, breathe, delete it, and stop being a FUC*ING victim.
I hate what she did, who she is and became, and how easily she preys on innocent people.
Her power over me ends now though.
Yea, im angry. Yea, Im Hurt, and heartbroken. Yea, i loved her. But she doesnt deserve love from ANYONE until she can learn how to at least attempt to be a decent human being.
And if someone like OM, or myself are dumb enough to feed her never ending hunger for misery, then we are gluttons for punishment, and probably need to look at some type of emotional sadism help. I know I am dangerously co dependent and I will be talking to IC about that.
F*ck closure. She will run out of people to charm at some point in the theatric farce that is her life, and when she has no attention to suck up from anyone she will be starved for it and collapse upon herself when the Monster Behind the Mask is all she has left for company.
I DONT WANT TO WASTE MY LOVE A MONSTER.
I am a damn Paladin, a Hero. Heroes dont bed with demons.
When Heroes get their a$$es kicked, and stand back up, spit out the blood and face the challenge with a grin of determined satisfaction on their face.
I feel like I am Odysseus, tied to the mast of my ship, thrashing at the ropes to go to The Sirens Song, but you, My DB family, my sailors with their ears blocked to the allure of The Sirens, only tie me tighter to the mast.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
"Odysseus was curious as to what the Sirens sang to him, and so, on the advice of Circe, he had all of his sailors plug their ears with beeswax and tie him to the mast. He ordered his men to leave him tied tightly to the mast, no matter how much he would beg. When he heard their beautiful song, he ordered the sailors to untie him but they bound him tighter. When they had passed out of earshot, Odysseus demonstrated with his frowns to be released.Some post-Homeric authors state that the Sirens were fated to die if someone heard their singing and escaped them, and that after Odysseus passed by they therefore flung themselves into the water and perished"
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
Frankly your WW isn't like others. She behaves in a cold manipulative way.
Why the hell would you want an OM anywhere near S3?
V
I know V. its like i married Dracula. Charm and all.
I dont want OM anywhere near S3, but i dont have a choice in that matter. Not within my sphere of control, WIFE will do what she wants when she has S3, thats how it is.
S3 is safe and having the time of his life with my parents for an entire week. so im fine with that.
Your very best strategy is NC.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
This is how we cycle when we have been involved with an abuser like this.
This is NORMAL.
Orange my sitch is very long nearly 40 threads. I still cycle with the trauma of it. And the disbelief of the treatment in it.
I was completely determined to be NC. In presence, thought, email, text, social media, through friends etc. I gave my monster a name the Giggalo. It depersonalised him.
Find a name for your monster, something not glamorous.
I imagined the G as a cartoon (the Disney cigar smoking baby) and he is the creepy Bob from twin peaks.
And I have removed him from my life completely, in every way.
The trauma persists but not the G.
This is NORMAL for contact with such unmasked monsters.
The cycles will calm over time.
Be aware not many get away from their clutches. You will do so.
You married a monster and bred with a monster. it is as it is and was.
It will change and you will grow from it.
NC is your answer.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
