Ahhhh! W put "moving day" on the calendar for next Saturday. Out of state back with her parents. I don't know what to do about our son. I know the standard advice is "TALK TO A LAWYER!". I don't even know what I really want though or what I would ask a lawyer still. I don't have childcare ready nor do I think I could afford it, although I might be able to if I cut off W from finances. That's not really the route I want to go. Too scared of repercussions I think. Staying with W at grandma and grandpa's house a few days a week isn't really that bad, nor is it much different than what divorced life would be like.
I just don't like it and I feel angry and scared and unprepared.
Me:30 W:31 S:4 M:7 T:12 PA: 5/6/18 - ? W moved out 7/18
It's been a long time coming, I don't think it is a bluff. She's been living out of a suitcase for a while and been packing up a few things. I know she will leave me to clean up the mess she leaves behind. She was adamant last night about us coming up with a parenting plan and both being more transparent about commitments we had which would affect our availability to watch our son. She wants better communication and all about that. I saw no good reason to disagree with that, so I agreed to put my commitments on the calendar more and she would do the same.
A couple times last night she asked me to email her a response about things if I wasn't able to give her one right then, and she wanted to put a timeframe on it. That made me feel like she was just trying to put the responsibility on me again to talk with her. Maybe letter writing would be helpful, but I'm feeling more resentful at her requesting my time.
Me:30 W:31 S:4 M:7 T:12 PA: 5/6/18 - ? W moved out 7/18
A couple times last night she asked me to email her a response about things if I wasn't able to give her one right then, and she wanted to put a timeframe on it. That made me feel like she was just trying to put the responsibility on me again to talk with her. Maybe letter writing would be helpful, but I'm feeling more resentful at her requesting my time.
This is something you can agree to, especially if it helps avoid heated conversation. Just make sure you follow the same guidelines - you do not initiate contact, you keep it polite but brief. You do not agree to anything you should not be agreeing to.
Sigh. W is supposed to be staying at her parents house this weekend. She called me because she forgot her meds at home. She asked if I would meet her halfway to give them to her tomorrow morning. I agreed. It's going to eat up a couple hours of my weekend. Was that being too nice? I'll just have to take the opportunity to try to be pleasant I guess.
Thanks EricC for the advice on writing emails. I guess it is still in my best interest to keep lines of communication open, and I can't choose how that happens. Maybe she'll respond better to emails anyway.
Me:30 W:31 S:4 M:7 T:12 PA: 5/6/18 - ? W moved out 7/18
Seems too nice to me. She can't remain faithful but here you come to save the day bc she forgot something? She didn't forgot to put the move out day on the calendar when she knew it would hurt you.
You may remember that you had a pressing engagement...hehe.
But then again I'm not always the strongest with my WW.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Ahhhh! W put "moving day" on the calendar for next Saturday. Out of state back with her parents. I don't know what to do about our son. I know the standard advice is "TALK TO A LAWYER!". I don't even know what I really want though or what I would ask a lawyer still. I don't have childcare ready nor do I think I could afford it, although I might be able to if I cut off W from finances. That's not really the route I want to go. Too scared of repercussions I think. Staying with W at grandma and grandpa's house a few days a week isn't really that bad, nor is it much different than what divorced life would be like.
I just don't like it and I feel angry and scared and unprepared.
First, she is not bluffing. She put it on calendar because she wants you to know when she is leaving. That is the decent thing to do, as opposed you simply find the house empty one day.
Second, stop lamenting and spring into action. You have a plan outlined already, just execute:
1) Meet with a Lawyer. You do not know what to ask? How about "What should I prepare for?"
2) Find childcare.
3) Cut off your W finances.
4) The only repercussions you need to worry is where your son will be when you are working if you do not have childcare. What are you afraid of? She can't leave you twice. Your W should be worried about the repercussions because she's got something to lose. You only have something to gain here.
5) You do not have to like it, just do what needs to be done. It is ok that you are angry and scared. It is NOT ok that you are unprepared. Get prepared.
One thing on this item. Don't be afraid that your W will go ballistic when she hears about this. Well, she probably will. You simply tell her "I had to budget in the childcare expenses and had to leave something out. I decided it would be the money I give you. Sorry, I am putting you in that position." That's it. No accusations that she left you, that she abandoned her family etc. Just be calm, say what you have and cut off the conversation (it is easier over email as she suggested ).
"I'm sorry you forgot your meds. Unfortunately I'm busy and won't be able to meet you half way. "
Then be busy. Also stop answering every call and text. If she is really leaving (I still have my doubts based on the timing alone) then she needs to know what it will be like with you not being there.
Also be very careful on the email idea. LBS have a tendency to type too much. Typing too much is worse than saying too. Think of the letter mr. Rose wrote in War of the Roses when he thought he was dying. Things in writing can come back to haunt you. Keep it brief. Simple. To the point. No greetings. No ending. Just the facts. I don't feel it necessary to respond to every one. One of the best ways to detach is to become less available.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I sent a couple questions to the lawyer I had a free consultation with, but expect I may have to start paying to get answers. I have not wanted to be the first one to get lawyers involved, but just might have to do that though.
I finally opened a checking account for myself. Haven't moved any money yet or set up direct deposit.
While cleaning up the kitchen I found a receipt that showed W bought a $100 visa gift card with her credit card. Either stashing money away, or wanting to pay for something she doesn't want me to know about, even if I were to somehow access her credit card statements. I've got plenty of ideas why she did that, but I guess I'll never know. I haven't discussed any financial things with W since she was yelling at me last time.
I think I don't trust W and she doesn't trust me with our finances. It feels like everything is just turning into an arms race, and W and I are both waiting for each other to flinch. That's been a bad relationship pattern for us, not talking about conflicts. I guess this just brings me back to the option of writing her an email.
I dropped off the meds yesterday, and W's SIL was with her which I wasn't expecting, but made it easier to act pleasantly. W was even somewhat chatty with me. SIL only visits a couple times a year so it was nice for her to see my son.
I had a fun day with my son yesterday. Found a splash pad close to home I didn't know about, and went to the beach.
Me:30 W:31 S:4 M:7 T:12 PA: 5/6/18 - ? W moved out 7/18
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