Maika, I think everyone here on this board must be going through this with their in-laws. I've lost contact with mine as well - they don't speak English so it's a little different but my sister-in-law stopped responding to my text messages so I know something is wrong. It'd be nice if your in-laws would say something to demonstrate they still like and respect you but maybe they're afraid to interfere. Maybe they see their own daughter's faults and can see through whatever bad things she might tell them about you. Even if they act one way they might be thinking another way. If I were you, if you reach the stage of filing for divorce, I'd send a letter or make a phone call one single time to say how sorry you are to lose them as a family and how you'll do everything within your power to raise their grandchildren to the best of your ability and to cooperate with them and your wife in raising them.
J - yeah, I've left them alone basically so it's not been an issue. Just been more about my state of mind and mind reading.
Davide - Thanks for the kind words man! Yes, it is mind reading and doing with in-laws also does you no good. You were spot on
Arsh - Yes, I know this dynamic quite well too. My W and her parents are from a completely different cultural background than me and so I haven't had to deal with some of the cultural baggage that might come with this situation. I know they obviously support her, but they have also been good to me.
Nicole - They're pretty cordial and know how things went down between me and W. I don't know if they know about her EA and dating and what not, but they've seen how I have acted throughout this whole thing and I think they have respected that. I'll definitely reach out to them when D happens and let them know how I have appreciated them and this is such a great loss.
I did see them yesterday and they were cordial and chatty and inquired about my life and work. So, even if they think I effed up their daughter's life, they haven't shown any thing to that effect in their actions. I know they haven't reached out to me directly to give me space and time.
Yesterday meeting them just confirmed that I am mind reading, but also still have some of the NGS kicking around that I need to let go of. If they think I am a bad person without even finding out my side of the street, then that's on them. I can't help that.
I've started actual journaling to help me put some thoughts down IRL. It's been quite cathartic and also helps me really clarify my thoughts beyond just listing some obvious reasons for why I should do something.
I am just super inspired by the quote in my tag line at the bottom and I have started to devote a section on decision making. The aim is to really flesh out the 'why' so that I have considered everything in detail and given it enough time to marinate and sink in.
Another positive activity to really deepen the changes I am working towards and also have a reminder when I am feeling weak about acting on the decision or my mind is playing jedi mind tricks
Thanks Nef! I have been straddling the ways of the Jedi and the Sith and gained much from both sides. But you're right, the Force is within me and I have to use it wisely. Exactly what I am doing. Zen with slow embers of anger still inside being used to my advantage.
M, if you always conduct yourself with dignity (which I'm very confident you do) then THAT is what your in-laws will see regardless of what W may have told them. Older couples have been to hell and back at some point in their own R, and they've seen everything you can imagine in the R's of their friends and family. They've been there and done that. They surely support their D, but I promise if she's ranting and raving to them about how terrible you are and you are staying out of the firefight and instead conducting yourself with quiet dignity, well that will speak volumes to them.
As an aside, no one has ever told me that XW said one bad thing about me even right after BD, so WAS's don't always do the trash-talking thing.
You're right AS. I saw them and they haven't shown anything or said anything that would confirm my thinking. So, it has been mind reading and needing validation on my part. It's also the part of me that always tried to please everyone, which I am not doing anymore, but this just highlighted that there are still some lingering tendencies that I need to work out of my system.
I honestly have no idea what W has said to anybody. And actions speak louder than words and I conduct myself with dignity, which definitely shows.
I've also completely left her alone with NC/Dark, which was something they had suggested to me as well. So, there shouldn't be any problem with that if they think why I am not reaching out or being buddies with her.
Her dad had told me that I will always be part of their family. He says what he means and so I believe they hold me with good regard and respect.
So, yeh, it came down to just me and my jedi mind tricks lol
This thread is almost up and so let me kinda end it on summarizing some stuff that has happened lately. I won't be starting a new thread unless things change.
So, the last 8 weeks have been tough. As they say, when it pours it rains. But thanks to all the mental and emotional growth I've attained through this year, I was able to work through the challenges and have a good mindset.
Just a quick glimpse into my challenges: injured myself and so can't climb or workout for at least 2 months; didn't realize I had injured more than one limb and the second injury blew up a few weeks after the first injury and I had to go to a doctor and now I am on physical rehab - it's not devastatingly bad, but any physical activity until fall is out; caught the flu on the day a very important work deadline was due and was pretty incapacitated for a few days - my team pitched in and got it done; the flu symptoms lingered and had to get antibiotics 2 weeks later as I was still sluggish; some family bull$hit that I didn't need right now; and having to restart my smoking quit.
In the past I would've been all self-victimizing myself and how woe is me and life just [censored] for me. But, not this time. I took all the hits and figured out a way to mentally handle them and find the silver linings in all of them. And they all had something positive that I could take from it. I just had to change my perspective.
I've had some awesome time with the kids and they were just so adorable and helpful to me when I came down with the injuries. They helped me around the house and even made me an espresso with whipped cream on it. Melted my heart to pieces.
Things with W are still the same same. I've come to a place of detachment where I am truly unfettered by her actions and words. I almost forgot how I felt after BD and how she treated me. And I had to remind myself about that because it seemed so far away in my mind. I had to remind myself how I had felt like garbage thrown on the side of the street, and how little I valued myself. I am so far away from that with my self-worth and confidence that I look back at that man and don't recognize him. She has no power over me now and it's a really calm place for me.
I've put myself through mental exercise about worst case scenarios and outcomes, and the only things get to me is how it might affect the kids and what I can do about that. Otherwise, the effects on me are pretty minimal. She could bang the whole varsity team and I have no emotions about it. I am not trying to pump up myself and be macho about it, but just being reflective and honest and letting myself feel what comes, but nothing bad has emerged.
She could sleep with the sexiest man alive and it wouldn't faze me as I am not comparing myself to any man she chooses. I am asking myself if I want to be with her instead, and the answer is no because I don't want that kind of sex and romance. I want something else, something better. So, she could do the deed with whoever and it's nothing against me and who I am.
I feel like I am receding more and more out of her life and it's quite therapeutic. The further I drift away, the stronger and more balanced I become.
On a personal level, I have some plans cut out for me and accomplishments and milestones set out. I am quite pleased about that and I gained a lot of clarity recently about my career path, what I want to do with life, and how to keep building that self-worth. Had an awesome IC session too and I am getting to a deeper level of rebuilding myself and excavating the past traumas to chart a stronger future path. I used to keep asking my IC for practical things I could do about some of the issues, and she entertained that to an extent. But now where we are, she pushed back and told me that there isn't like 3 things I could implement that will help me figure this out. There is a lot of deep investigation and reflection and emotional work, which can't be neatly done in three steps or whatever.
So that was very helpful to be reminded that I can't life-hack my way out some of the traumas and that they deserve the time and effort to address the magnitude of their effects over such a long period of time.
I am incredibly hopeful and also happy on a daily basis. I am very grateful to where I am at. I had written on Davide's thread I believe about gaining much needed perspective.
IC had recommended I take a mental health assessment that is focused on life events that have occurred in your life. I scored really high on it and statistically speaking, I should be clinically depressed, suicidal, in bad health, poor, addicted to substances, unemployed our unable to hold a long term job, and living on the margins of society. The only thing about that is that I was depressed (not clinically as diagnosed by my IC). So, already I am a massive success story about resilience, survival, and making it. If nothing improves, I still made it. But, everything beyond now is just gravy and spectacularly bright. I needed this to really shift my POV and get rid of my self-victimization and know that I have control.
So I am moving forward knowing that I gave it all for this MR and I have no regrets about my actions post-BD. I have conducted myself with integrity and I hold my head high.
I am around and will comment when I feel the need to. What a journey! What a life!
