Affair discovered 2

[STH17]

I spent last Thursday night thru yesterday noon away from my wife and son while I attended my cousin's wedding. I wanted to call to talk to my son during that time, but I didn't, as I also wanted to just have some distance and time for just myself apart from all the trouble at home. I also had the job interview yesterday which went well enough besides their "standard starting salary" being much less than I was expecting.

But I have a confession. Before going to the interview, I was home alone and W's computer was unlocked. I've resisted the temptation to snoop for a while, but yesterday I made the wrong decision. I read messages between her and her two friends. I learned OM's first name, and that he knows she is married. And W saying things like he's everything I'm not. Of course I felt a lot of anger reading the messages. There was plenty of bashing of me from her and her friends. I think I noticed though that although every mistake of mine was immediately shared with her friends, the things I've done right go unreported.

It's been hard to get off my mind, and it feels like a big step backward for me.

[SteveLW]

STH, we've all been there. But don't be surprised by the mistakes only, no discussion of changes. She doesn't want you to change. She wants to be justified in her PA and if you change into the spouse that only a fool would leave, well, she'd be a fool to leave.

Snooping is never a good thing, but sometimes we need the information we obtain. Though I find it curious that she left her computer unlocked. Most of the time cheaters will cover their tracks, so I am wondering if she wanted you to find the messages. Either way, the fact that you can't get it off your mind is why it is generally better not to know. Now you will be tempted to discuss it with her which hurts you instead of helping you.

[STH17]

It being unlocked was accidental because of a program keeping it from shutting down. Has happened a couple other times and I've only resisted the temptation about half the time.

Met with my therapist today, and we agreed that snooping did not make anything better for me, though I did learn some things I "wanted to know". I'm frustrating myself, my therapist, and probably everyone here and even my W with my inaction and indecision about my relationship with my W. Being "patient" and not expressing what I want hasn't been good for me.

Right now the only communication W and I have is about our son, even though we are still living at home together. I have been saying hello and goodbye to her when I come home or leave, but that's about it. This morning my son heard me say goodbye to W, and he asked if mom said bye. I said no, and he asked why. I just said I don't know. When W and I were discussing divorce a while back (at her initiation, this was the discussion that led to her breakdown) I told W that saying hello and goodbye to her was a way I was trying to bring some positivity into our relationship. I don't remember my exact words, I think it was something I told her after she asked me "How am I supposed to love you?". I stopped doing that for a while, and now I feel like doing that is being seen by her as pursuing. And my own son is noticing her ignoring me. I'm not just supposed to ignore her too am I? And if I can't even say hello and goodbye, how am I supposed to approach her about anything else like my therapist wants me to? I think that's what's got me feeling like my hands are tied right now.

The last time I mentioned how separating our accounts would require closing them, she changed her mind about doing that, and expressed an interest in mediation. Part of why I want to separate accounts is so I can get another student loan installment for the summer but not tell my W about it. I'm open to opinions on whether that is wise or just scheming. It would all come out in divorce negotiations anyway, but I don't know when W will get around to that. My therapist is encouraging me to follow up with W about separating accounts. I'm afraid of doing that, and about it opening up further divorce and mediation talks. My therapist is of the opinion that avoiding talking about all this stuff is not good for me though. So the "best decision" in my appointment today we decided on was for me to talk to W about the accounts. If I'm going to do that, it should probably be tonight.

I'll have my son this weekend, while W goes to a family reunion on Saturday. I think she might have said she's leaving tomorrow night. Probably seeing OM. Less I know the better, right? BTW, while obsessing this morning about A, I'm pretty sure I ID'd OM. Got a tsk tsk from my therapist about that one.

[STH17]

Talked with W. I had a buyer for our vehicle with 190k miles for $300. I brought up the joint accounts again. We disagree on whether the court would require us to split everything 50/50. I started feeling angry, because of the disagreement, W's resistance to separating accounts, or because of how I feel about W's spending. W noticed and asked if I was angry. I said yes I was feeling angry. That is a good 180 for me to actually say that, but then I had to explain what I was angry about. That is the moment I think I should instead excuse myself from the conversation to cool down. I need practice.

I think I said I was upset because I have denied myself any spending money for years, and I want to be able to spend my own money and know where my money is going. W kept asking me why I wanted to close the accounts, and I said I didn't want any joint accounts with her. I asked why she wanted to keep them. She brought up paying for food, so I said I would give her money for food. She said we were still married. Not proud of this but I said "Are we?" She said "You haven't signed anything yet have you?" I told her "You can't have it both ways", another thing probably better kept to myself. She asked if I was accusing her of something. I wondered how she could have forgotten me telling her I believed she was having an affair??? I don't think I responded to that, but she started yelling, and son came in to ask what we were doing. I left the room saying I wasn't going to be yelled at anymore. That's the first time I've ever done that, and need to practice it too. W tried to make it my responsibility to resume the conversation, but I told her no, she needed to calm down and come to me. She protested once more, but I did not engage further.

Later after she had cooled down she did ask me if we were going to talk any more tonight, and I said no not tonight, I need to go to bed. She still wants us to come to a decision about the joint accounts, but I think I have certainly made my position clear enough to go ahead and open a private checking account of my own. That's something I'll do on Saturday while she's out. Pretty sure I'm gonna do it this time.

Oh before talking about our accounts she also told me she was moving out in two weeks. Don't know how that's going to work with our son, which is something she wants to talk about. She also told me she found a new gym that costs $100 a month. Not sure why she told me that, but I asked her how she was going to pay for it and she said she'd figure something out.

[SteveLW]

So she is against closing the joint accounts but is moving out in 2 weeks? I'd open my own account, take half the money out of the joint accounts and start having my check deposited in the new account.

She is cake eating with these accounts. Take the cake away.

[SteveLW]

STH, you are dealing with a WW here. She is selfish to the max, as you've probably already noticed. This means that she will do whatever she feels is best for her. Guess what, that means she will gladly move out and keep spending your money. IF you let her.

Her moving out in 2 weeks is your excuse to separate your money. "I will not continue to fund you leaving me for someone else."

STH, I am thinking maybe you need to just let her know you know what you know. Don't tell her how! This is the mistake I made. Trust me on this, do not tell her how you know just tell her you know. The mystery will mess with her and get her wondering how you know. Mystery is your friend, that is what detachment is about. It makes you mysterious.

[EricC]

I made the wrong decision. I read messages between her and her two friends.

Don't do that ever again. The more you know the worse it is for you. It will only torture you, and will torture you for a long time.

And W saying things like he's everything I'm not. Of course I felt a lot of anger reading the messages. There was plenty of bashing of me from her and her friends. I think I noticed though that although every mistake of mine was immediately shared with her friends, the things I've done right go unreported.

Now that you have read it, make sure you do not believe it. All of this is a load of crap. Not a speck of truth (although she may well believe it). Please look at it from her perspective. She did something that she knows is very wrong, selfish, hurtful. How can she justify her actions in front of her friends and most of all in front of herself? She can do only one thing: she starts explaining how unhappy she was, how incompatible you two are, she lists every single flaw you have (real or not, significant or not) and then she says that OM is everything you are not. Now it is obvious in her and in her friends eyes that she did not have a choice but to start the A.

As long as the A continues, every little mistake you do will be looked through the lens " My H is making me unhappy. This is why I have the A. OM is so much better/different".

Just remember that despite everything she says, her having an A does not reflect who you are, it reflects who she decided to be. If she was that unhappy, she would have not needed an OM, she would have left earlier.

The good news is that most A crumble sooner or later. Too much lying and inconveniences. Most likely than not she the feelings will wear off and she will (subconsciously) realize that OM is not that perfect. At this stage she will look back at you and will try to find out if it is worth coming back to you and go through the painful process of reconciliation and R rebuilding. At this point you have to show her that you are somebody she would be an idiot to reject - a stand-up H and loving father, an independent and self-confident man. The sooner you get into that mindset, the easier it will get to live through this.

[EricC]

Completely agree with Steve here. I will also add: do not try to reach an agreement with her. She does not want to agree with you. She is looking for disagreement. That justifies her decision to leave. Avoid confrontation and concede where it is not critical, and take the reins and act on your own where it is critical to do so. Trying to reach an agreement is pointless. She wants to take a favorite painting, CD or book that are yours? Give it to her. She wants to keep a joint account while having her own independent life? No thanks. You do not have to justify your actions, just do what is necessary to protect yourself.

[ovrrnbw]

Wow, Eric and Steve nailed it. I am an information wore so I could take that info and carry on better than some people. You need to acknowledge the pain of what you read, the move forward and refocus on your goals.

Be strong mentally, if you wanted to be done you'd have divorced her already. So WORK towads your goals. Work ain't always fun.

[EricC]

Here is my take on the conversation you had with your W:

I think I said I was upset because I have denied myself any spending money for years, and I want to be able to spend my own money and know where my money is going.

It is useless to complain to her. You will get no sympathy. Seeing you hurt only strengthens her hostility.

W kept asking me why I wanted to close the accounts, and I said I didn't want any joint accounts with her.

Can you close these account unilaterally? If yes, just do it and tell her it is done and there is no point of discussing it. If you cannot, simply do what Steve suggested - get the money out and put it your own account.

I said I would give her money for food

I probably need to know your past threads more carefully to understand your situation better. But, why are you giving her money for food when she moves out? How long do you plan on feeding her after she moves out?

She said we were still married.

She is yanking the chain here.

She said "You haven't signed anything yet have you?"

She is taunting you.

I told her "You can't have it both ways"

Instead, you should have shown more independence: "I will sign what I see fit, when I see fit."

She asked if I was accusing her of something.

You should answer: "No." She is taunting you again. She wants you to accuse her of stuff: A, spending, leaving etc. This fuels her "independence". She wants war to justify her her actions. Do NOT give it to her.

I left the room saying I wasn't going to be yelled at anymore.

Very smart! Good move!

W tried to make it my responsibility to resume the conversation, but I told her no, she needed to calm down and come to me.

Don't tell her no. Best is not to talk to her while she is yelling. Just listen or leave. Don't reply to a yelling person. Let them yell and appear ridiculous. You can take the initiative to have a conversation only when you find it important, and only when she is capable of having a civilized conversation. This is not something you want to tell her though. Let her see it (multiple times) instead of hear it.

She protested once more, but I did not engage further.

Awesome! Let her chase you a bit, even if it is just to yell more. You did good.

Later after she had cooled down she did ask me if we were going to talk any more tonight, and I said no not tonight, I need to go to bed.

Oh before talking about our accounts she also told me she was moving out in two weeks. Don't know how that's going to work with our son, which is something she wants to talk about.

This is something you certainly want to work out with her. You need to be very cooperative when it comes to the son (unlike the accounts).

She also told me she found a new gym that costs $100 a month. Not sure why she told me that, but I asked her how she was going to pay for it and she said she'd figure something out.

You did good again. Better not to ask but just state "Nice! Good for you! I hope you can afford it."