Hey dusty! Good to see you pop by. Don't beat yourself up for comparing. Most of the folks here are thrust with the EA/PA happening and find out details, when they're not ready to handle the info because they are still raw and working through emotions. I am fortunate that I haven't found anything concrete, but her EA was enough to shatter things for me and I am finally closing that loop of emotion after 12 months. And by doing that I gave myself time to get to a place where I am almost built with bullet proof glass rather than a delicate porcelain vase.
I did check out Brown's TED talks. The one on the power of vulnerability is awesome. I haven't picked up her books yet but it's on the list. Thanks for the awesome suggestion.
I love how you chart a path full of emotion for those of us who are just starting on this journey. That is some seriously beautiful imagery you shared with us. Going through those emotions, and not trying to rush through or skip over them, but handling them with patience and self-compassion is so important.
Dont you feel like your children tethered you to earth somewhat? I know what you are talking about when you say you felt like you were floating in space with no help in sight. I remember the dizziness and vertigo I felt - not floating but in free fall, spinning head over heels, not knowing which way was up. My friends and family have continuously reminded me that I actually do have ground under my feet although at times I still forget.
Thanks again for sharing. You are an inspiration for this newbie.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Thanks Davide for your kind words. I feel like what we go through is such an out of body type experience, and that we're suddenly living in an alternate reality in a different universe where water burns and fire soothes at the slightest touch.
So, thinking about understanding that experience, I am trying to fold it into imagery that reflects that.
I love your insight about my children keeping me tethered to earth. Until April of this year, I think that was very true. But because I was tethered like that, I wasn't able to completely let go and look at the world in all its transparency. That tethered lifeline, even though pure and full of love, was tied down from a place of destruction. After April, when I let myself be free from it and look at the world from a full spectrum, I realized that the tether was still there, but now it was firmly fixed from a place of love.
I couldn't hold on to my children as a way of deluding myself that I wasn't actually in space and that if I just focused on the tether, that it would save me. It didn't, but rather wore me down further.
I know I am taking the metaphor really far, but until you really let go, you won't find that other lifeline that is there for you.
Haha! Me neither. Not sure what came over me, but this metaphor really allowed me to articulate my journey better than I have ever been able to explain before.
Way deep, keep writing, maybe this experience will encourage you to write your own book. I know I have gained so much knowledge from this experience. As a friend of mine who is D'ed told me... "This is going to open up some amazing things in your life"
M:52 W:49 D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20 ILYBNILWY 5/28/17 Still living together W filed 1/5/18 W moved out 8/24/18 D final 9/18/20
Things are going fairly well for me. Have had a few hiccups in the last few weeks with some negative events. Sometimes when it's $hit, it's actually diarrhea - it just keeps coming lol. Have been hit with a number of small adverse events, but I am mentally a lot stronger and so have been able to keep a positive outlook and focus on the silver linings.
So I am having an interesting struggle with validation. I know it's rooted in the NGS part of me that I have actively worked to shed. Reaching out to the board to see what people might have to say.
I had a great relationship with my in-laws, particularly FIL and MIL. Since all of this went down last year, I basically NC them as well. I told them that I would be taking space and so it wasn't a shock to them.
Now that it has been a year, they do correspond with me about stuff that needs to get done - business like stuff. But I kinda dread meeting them in-person. I have no idea what W has told them about me or the MR, but they've not heard my side of any of it. I also wouldn't reach out to them to do that. So, I dunno what they think of me.
I feel that they must think that I destroyed their daughter's life; that I am a piece of garbage human being; and that they tolerate my presence.
Let me say that nothing that they have said or done to me would indicate any of that. So, I know that this is in my mind. I feel like I am seeking validation from them that I am not a bad person and that they recognize that their daughter isn't some innocent victim. But I would never talk to them about that or ask them their opinion.
Anyways, it's bothering me that they might think that I am a garbage human being, when I am not.
I need to figure out how to get past it. She's part of their tribe and I know that very well. I have no problem with that. I guess it's just a validation thing and even though I am way beyond seeking validation from W or a potential romantic partner (not dating so that's hypothetical), I guess I am still not over seeking validation in general. Maybe I need to hear that I am not wrong or a bad human being.
M, I think you are mind reading there. It is bad to do with the W and no better with the in laws. Do you need to meet them in person? Or is it just a desire on your part?
Oh, and while you know better than to seek validation externally I an unequivocally state that you are a helluva good person. Your support for me and others here is more than enough proof of that.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Maika, this is something I actually have experience with. Parents will always stick with their own children and it is rightfully so. You will not be able to make your in-laws see your side, even if deep down they know their D left your MR, they will find reasons to justify her decision. In my case my MIL was living with us during and soon after D, she saw me at my worst, staying up whole night, not eating, contemplating suicide even with 2 small children and I definitely did not handle the BD well. But once WAH spoke to her, she sided with him in spite of knowing the hell I was going thru and her small grand children are having their home torn apart. There is no winning with in laws, they are related to you through her, I wouldnt worry about what they think of you. If they are great and mature human beings they will see the truth for what it is, the remaining 99% will support their children.
