Hi Nicole. I managed to write my sitch, I posted it yesterday. I know I took my time but I did it at last.
Your H maybe changing his mind or not, you do not really know. But you are changing yours and take that into account. Sometimes we, being male, have these undefined wife/mother relation with our Ws when taking decisions. Be aware of that too.
But if it works keep on going that way. Just continue DB.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
I dont understand the car leasing part, he either wants to R and earn brownie points or this is a way of him shedding some guilt. Just tell him right now you wont be able to cover any of it, so if he can pay all the lease amount you will be fine. Hey its not just for you he is doing it for his own D too, and from what I read you have put your life on hold to get him thru med school and he is doing well for himself now. And remember until the D he is still your H, WAH yes but still married.
It is great to read you feel so confident and grounded. It put a smile on my face to read that, you are not only doing this for your own good but also setting an example for your D.
LoneWlf, thanks so much. I really appreciate it. I hope we can all report more positive outcomes down-the-road.
Neffer, I read your post on your thread and will respond to it ASAP. Thanks for your encouragement. If you happen to read this post, could you kindly clarify what you mean by undefined wife / mother relations?
Arsh, I don't understand either, but I don't want to ask any questions or seem like I care too much. The way my husband spoke yesterday was just as if we were married living our normal life. Today he called and was saying what a beautiful car it is. I think he just wanted a way to pawn the car off to me next year so he can get the one he really wants, but his logic seems to be that next year he'll be able to afford it and this year he can't. So either he's taking a gamble that we'll make money on our house if sell it or he thinks we'll be together and he won't be paying these extra thousands to support us next year. It's hard to imagine he thinks he'll be better off financially next year if we get divorced unless he just has no idea how much he'll have to pay, but I've tried to give him numbers multiple times based on what the lawyer advised. So who knows. Maybe he's not thinking at all. Maybe he's just acting based on how he feels at the moment - "I'll buy the car she wants! Then I'll buy the one I want! Win win for everyone!" I just don't know. If he comes next week as he says he will then perhaps I'll have a better sense as to which way things are headed. He might show up next week in a terrible mood and start talking about divorce again or he might now come at all. There's no way to know.
All, I do have a few questions for anyone who reads this and has followed my thread -
Is my husband a walkaway or wayward? I can't figure it out. There seems to be so much knowledge on this board about wayward wives but I can't find much about husbands. Do the same rules apply? For example is there a "No More Mrs. Nice Woman" book that wives should read and do wayward husbands leave based on lack of respect the way WW's do?
Are others here still wearing their wedding rings? When my husband asked for a divorce in January and then took his girlfriend to Dubai I stopped wearing mine. It felt like the right thing to do. On the other hand, I don't want to falsely advertise that I'm single when I'm still married.
Thanks for any input. I need to read the DB book again. I lost it when I moved last year, accidentally re-ordered the old version, and need to buy the newer version again.
Hi Nicole. Sometimes relations between W and H drift to some kind of mother/child link. Do a search of it: when men are boys and wives are mothers.
Mother/child dynamic can happen in a wide range of ways. Usually when we (males) have to make some sort of decisions we fall into patterns that end with this kind of behavior that we are not aware of.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Neffer, I see. That's interesting. I'll search more about it. I had also found something called "Madonna Whore complex" a while back that sounded like it could describe a few of the situations here on this board as well.
Are others here still wearing their wedding rings? When my husband asked for a divorce in January and then took his girlfriend to Dubai I stopped wearing mine. It felt like the right thing to do. On the other hand, I don't want to falsely advertise that I'm single when I'm still married.
I wore mine until the day a few weeks ago when I told my wife I believed she was having an affair and I would no longer be sleeping on the couch. I wore it on a necklace for a week or two but keep it in a backpack that goes everywhere with me. It's one of many things I have a hard time trusting my decision about, but felt good to actually make a decision at the time. I have some fear that my commitment to W will weaken, as hers did while not wearing her rings. I think that is part of my fear of letting go of my M in general.
Me:30 W:31 S:4 M:7 T:12 PA: 5/6/18 - ? W moved out 7/18
Nicole, I still wear mine, I see it as a symbol of standing up for MR but may be WAH sees it as not letting go? Also, once you remove you have a lot of people asking you questions you may not be ready to answer yet, so may be it is the easy way out. Does you WH still wear his? Do you think he would notice if you removed yours? - Arshi
STH and Arsh, sounds like it's a personal decision and there's no right or wrong. You both have good reasons for wearing or not wearing it. My husband never wore a ring - he said he didn't like it and it wasn't required in his culture which is true although now that I see this other side of him perhaps this was a red flag that he wasn't ready to settle down.
Neffer, I looked at some mother and child articles and can see how this happens. It doesn't seem this was our situation prior to having our daughter because I worked full-time and my husband stayed at home for many years and I was more like the provider and he was the caretaker and he seemed to build up resentment for that. The dynamic changed further after we had our daughter. One of the first things I remember is my husband walking around saying "I'm the biggest loser. I lost everything." He meant that instead of being the recipient of all my attention he was left in the dark. Perhaps this led him to get depressed and then have an affair but I think it was something deeper because later he kept saying "I never got to live my life. I never got to have fun (due to growing up amid non-stop war)." So ultimately it seems he left because he felt the need to date and sleep with an unlimited amount of women, go to bars and clubs and party like a teenager, and live a carefree life. What a waste. The mother / child dynamic may be just one of many problems in my case.
I think your interpretation is right Nicole. This is a guy who TOLD you he regretted having your daughter, and he probably WAS freaking out at that time that now he was "trapped" by fatherhood and responsibility.
Contrast that with Ginger's recent date on the Surviving part of this board. She went out with a guy whose wife left him. He has kids and he told Ginger something to the effect of he enjoyed being a husband and father and felt it was a role he was born for.
