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So today my challenge is to look in the mirror and align my internal and external image.

I feel quite ill at the thought of this.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Good Morning V. Since I have never seen you and only have your own description to go by, let me tell you the external V that I see in my mind's eye.

She's tall with good posture. Bright either blue or grey eyes. A cloud of curly hair, mostly grey but with dark reverse highlights.

A strong but thin nose and narrow pointed chin frame normal sized lips that normally have a straight line but occasionally burst into a quirky grin.

A perky chest as good engineering assists to combat what gravity and time is trying to undo. A waist that speaks of a life lived and that curve into gentle hips.

Legs that are tall and lean dancer's legs down to feet and toes that are well cared for but show the results of time spent in heels even though clad in flats.

The arms are lean and well muscled and end in hands that show a few but not too many age spots with well cared for nails on long slim fingers.

How'd I do?


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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Sadly Andrew that's not V like.

V is 5 4", very pale and long pale curly natural ash blonde hair (almost no white, a little silver). Dolly Partonish in the figure and a smattering of Marilyn Monroe. Heart shaped faced with strong Cupid bow mouth. UK size 12 (US 8-10).

Tiny button nose, deep grass green eyes. Legs more or less as described and toned arms. No age spots as no sun and few wrinkles.

But my internal V is short dumpy with huge muffin top, thinning hair and rather ugly. Especially on a bad day and especially when I hear the G raging at me in my head over my body faults of which he found plenty all the time. Including me being a bag lady of whom he was deeply ashamed. I am also hugely incompetent, terrible at what I do, the most selfish unloving person ever in the world.

I am seeking to heal the trauma, to go back to being a better than ok person who can function in this world, without being paralysed by trauma. I didn't know that I was so dissociated from myself. Nor did realise that I just simply never looked in a full length mirror, choosing to buy in charity shops and eBay without the need for it. Of course I have a hand mirror for teeth brushing.

I simply don't recognise myself in photos, yes I know it's me but I don't know it's me. It's as if it's someone else. I knew I had 'bought the G abuse but not how much I had internalized it.

Just sums it up, reconciling the two is tough, getting my confidence back is a struggle.

This is a tough open sore spot to tackle. I am about 10lbs overweight at the moment, and some how losing that weight will make a difference as long as it stays off.

I was quite happy before I met the G, I was ok, getting on with my life. Comfortable enough in my skin not to bother too much, steady weight, and if I lost or gain adjusting. Not fretting that people hated me, just ordinary and ok. Unself conscious in many ways, didn't really think about it, stuck in the Stevie Nicks era fashion wise, happy to be there forever. If you liked me you did and if you didn't it's sad but not life threatening.

Now, I question everything I am and do.

Sometimes I don't go out because of this, I stay home. Not much feeling lost these days to be fair as I push myself out that door and I push myself into the next. But it's tiring to feel like that and takes a lot of effort. I do it because I want to find that inner V who was strong, had courage and took life day by day.

I want that awful period with the G to be erased. I want the certainty of congruence again, of being and doing what I am and knowing what that is.

I know it's another phase of healing from the trauma of abuse, severe destructive abuse which cuts like a knife to the soul. A dear friend (Painter) said it sounds like the stories that war veterans have. It is like that, as this is a war zone of words, I am not saying it's on the scale that these veterans have experienced, thank goodness not. But it gives me a flavour of the excruciating suffering of these men and women returning home.

For today it is enhanced as it's fathers day and I am grieving my aged pa.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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I started writing a long rambling story but realized that I need to get to my ironing.

V - what you are talking about is the "wrapping" and how it was viewed by the G. I think that for many of us, including myself that we allow our self image to be formed by the opinions of others. And given that those others have an interest in keeping us down so that we don't look up that can be a tough hill to climb. I know that for me at the time of "bomb-day" I did actually believe that no other woman could be interested in me unless they saw my pay packet. I've been fortunate that I have had people around me since who have been a mirror to let me know that "the looks decent wagon didn't pass me by".

I myself have a strong belief in the merits of good tailoring. It is a significant investment but a well made piece of clothing will far outlast any discount priced goods. I have some very nice Egyptian cotton shirts that are just about to be ironed that are several years old and show no signs at all of wear. I used to buy cheap and would be lucky to have a shirt last a year.

The first and most important thing about clothes (and yes - a man is lecturing about clothes to a woman wink ) is fit. The second is also fit. Colour and style, the first being more important come way down the list.

I know for men's clothes that it is so much easier to get them altered to get a good fit but perhaps look around. A few nice pieces with accessories will last you years and allow you to look fabulous for a modest investment. Maybe check to see if there are any tailors / seamstresses around. I get the impression that you have theatrical connections which may help get you pointed.

Just my 2 pence.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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I don't need to see you to know that you are stunning. I think we all tend to be very critical of ourselves and usually needlessly so. I think I look one way but sometimes I see pictures of myself and think "hmmm...I don't look half bad". LOL I agree with what Andrew said about our self image is formed in part based on opinions of other people. For example, because I'm a "plus-sized" woman, I know that a great number of men don't find me attractive, but I have had plenty of men in my life who have told me I was beautiful, sexy, etc. It truly is in the eye of the beholder. So, when YOU are the beholder, try to see yourself for what you really are, not the voice of all those others telling you what they think you are. I have no doubt at all that you are a beautiful woman who absolutely sparkles and shines from the inside out.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
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Andrew I just adore the practicality of your thoughts. Get some great fitting togs. I will examine my wardrobe and look on eBay and Amazon to supplement. I just know our Andrew is a catch for a lucky lady. I know so.

Yes I do have such connections.

Dawn you are so lovely and kind. One of the loveliest and sexiest women I know is a bigger girl but so so lush, all eyes on her. She oozes class and is a knockout. It's her confidence that does it. My Dawn is such a gorgeous lady, I just know. I do.

So open sore issue for today I will explore wardrobe options and smartening up my act.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Day 25 of 100 open sore issues

Throw out all the items with sugar in my cupboard. And the rest of the G deodorant.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Supposing it was ok to have been through this?

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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From now on I shall say I am enough every day into my mirror.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Quote:
Throw out all the items with sugar in my cupboard. And the rest of the G deodorant.


Lol - I spent part of the weekend packing up more of ex-boyfriend's stuff. Since he's been in and out of hospitals and rehabs for the last year I've been storing his stuff at my house but it has to get put into storage as soon as he's semi-stable. I can't have a new guy over when my closet is full of ex-boyfriend's "Imelda Marcos" shoe collection lol. I weaned down his clothes and went through my clothes at the same time - holding on to too many "skinny clothes" that I won't fit into until they're out of fashion. Figure when I get back to that size I'll be HAPPY to buy new clothes.

I'm also trying to get him to sell some of the bigger things as he needs the money to buy a new beater car to get to work once he's ready. Then hopefully can get everything else into a small storage unit except for the bed and dresser which I don't mind storing in my garage (he's not going to show up at my door crazy in the middle of the night asking for the dresser lol, and it would double the price of a storage unit to move those).

Still more work to do in my bedroom to get rid of things and organize more. Not too messy but not quite looking the way I would want if a guy was going to spend the night (something I haven't had to worry about because the Love Avoidant friend I was seeing lives in another town and doesn't have a car so I always went to his place, which was a lovely tidy loft apartment. New guy however lives in town and if I actually end up dating him he will end up at my house eventually.)

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