I don't think communication could possibly get any better than that.
You want to have these talks about stop pretending to hate eachtoher, and have positive coaprenting, ect. Then she actually does it and you are convinced it's a game.
It's a damed if you do, dmaed if you don't situation. You won't be happy until you get your answers you need personally. Otherwise, she is doing exactly what you wanted regarding co parenting.
I don't think communication could possibly get any better than that.
You want to have these talks about stop pretending to hate eachtoher, and have positive coaprenting, ect. Then she actually does it and you are convinced it's a game.
It's a damed if you do, dmaed if you don't situation. You won't be happy until you get your answers you need personally. Otherwise, she is doing exactly what you wanted regarding co parenting.
The only thing that makes me feel like its a game is the fact that she started off with discussions of the divorce, which she knows and even mentioned that i cannot discuss. It is her passive aggressive way of asserting control over the D proceedings.
Additionally, She is starting to talk like we are buddies, joking around and stuff. I want open, clean and amicable communication. I dont want to be her Co-parenting bestie. I chose a marriage, which she devalued and discarded, ruthlessly. Im not interested in being her friend.
Communication between us should be about S3 only, and factual and efficient. Nothing more. She has no place to mention D proceedings. i have made it clear i cannot and will not discuss that.
I get that this is much better than acting like we hate each-other, im not saying its not an improvement, but im not interested in being her friend and sharing cute stories and LOL's. I want fair treatment, quick, amicable, efficient communication about S3 only. I was her husband, and she woke up one day and decided i was garbage. She doesnt get to just decide to be my friend. I feel she wants to emulate her parents, as friendly co-parents. Her mom is still friends with all her EX-Husbands. I will do my duties as a father, and respectfully, but her happy go lucky demeanor and acting like nothing was ever wrong and she didnt do what she did is not ok in my book.
Not arguing with you Ginger, just telling you how i view it.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
You aren't going to get exactly what you want. She is not going ot communicate exactly the way you see fit, which is very very particular. She shares something nice and funny about your son and its too amicable for you.
I agree about the divorce preceeding. Just don't answer. But everything else was great communication, but "too" friendly for you.
remember, choose your hill to die on. Not everything is going to be exactly the way you want it, and the exchange you had was pretty good.
It's just suspect because I know this is exactly how she acted after she broke up with her ex. At that point her and I were together and she was trying to be friendly and amicable with her ex and her s new girlfriend. in the end it was all just so she could continue to try and manipulate the situation and when her ex's girlfriend called her out on it and said she was being too friendly in communicative with her ex which was now This Woman's husband and then it made this woman feel uncomfortable, ww got extremely venomous and vindictive with this woman, all just for trying to set a boundary. I'm going to leave it alone and just move on with my day. if she needs to say anything else she can message me
Also, notice how she picks and chooses what questions she wants to answer. she did not answer me about her methods for discipline or if she was still playing James Taylor for bedtime
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
OK - I thought the communication was fine and the first time I did not sense any anger from either party.
Think about your goals and what you want this R to look like. Do you want it to be strictly 100% business and your responses to your W are simply yes/no or factual answers? Is that how you want her to talk to you as well? Just strictly business? Do you want to be able to banter/joke with her a little bit about your S and it be more comfortable, interactive, and relaxed?
What do you want it to look like and start modeling that behavior.
OK - I thought the communication was fine and the first time I did not sense any anger from either party.
Other than the jab about the Divorce Papers, i agree. I do still feel uncomfortable with such a casual level of talk. I get she is probably just trying to be amicable, but its too much. I dont want to be her friend. She hurt me too profoundly for me to be able to have that type of a relationship dynamic right now. I mean there is still a restraining order in place. Again, doesnt seem like the behavior of someone in fear of her safety.....because she isnt.
Originally Posted By: Joseph9
Think about your goals and what you want this R to look like. Do you want it to be strictly 100% business and your responses to your W are simply yes/no or factual answers? Is that how you want her to talk to you as well? Just strictly business? Do you want to be able to banter/joke with her a little bit about your S and it be more comfortable, interactive, and relaxed?
Do you want it to be strictly 100% business and your responses to your W are simply yes/no or factual answers? For now. Yes. Still too raw to pretend like nothing happened. If this is how she chooses to communicate, i will deal with it and let her do her thing however. Im not going to rebuke her for being nice to me, even if i believe it is fake.
Is that how you want her to talk to you as well? Yes, factual, informative, and to the point. No need for venom or arguments, but we are nowhere close to being "Friends". I dont want a friendship with her. I wanted a marriage, she chose not to have that. So business is what it should be. Do you want to be able to banter/joke with her a little bit about your S and it be more comfortable, interactive, and relaxed? Maybe someday, but right now, it was too much too fast. I said the other day i wanted things to "not feel like we hate eachother and are enemies" That doesnt mean i wanted to move right into, "lets pretend nothing ever happened, except when i decide to throw the Rest. Order in your face or complain about divorce papers you cant reply to when i dont like what i see"
She cant play both sides Joseph. There are 4 ways i can see this going. 1.) Contempt and fighting - Obviously i dont want this. Nothing but pain and misery here. 2.) Business like, amicable but impersonal. - this is ideal. Clean, efficient, emotionless, and quick. Yes, No, Who, What, Where and When. 3.) Lets be friends! - Although this could be a goal down the road, and will be best for S3 in the long run, i cannot do this right now. Burns arent healed. Flesh too raw. Not after all she has put me through. 4.) Reconciliation - Lol. i wont even. we all know this is about as likely as a blizzard in Hell. I wouldnt believe it if she came running, begging and pleading. She isnt going to and i wouldnt believe it id she tried. [/quote]
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
She says something mean, you react in anger and resentment. She says something nice, you react in anger and resentment. Like Ginger said you're painting W and yourself into a no-win situation. I understand you are angry with her, but you've got to find ways to manage that anger and convert it into energy for something else instead of raging against her over anything and everything. For the record I thought those recent text convos were perfect.
Ok - Your responses are fine, you can handle your sitch how you want. If you are not ready for a more comfortable R then keep your answers short and to the point. Unfortunately you can't control how she initiates things or communicates. You just can't let it get to you when she does try to be all friendly, chatty, etc.
She says something mean, you react in anger and resentment. She says something nice, you react in anger and resentment. Like Ginger said you're painting W and yourself into a no-win situation. I understand you are angry with her, but you've got to find ways to manage that anger and convert it into energy for something else instead of raging against her over anything and everything. For the record I thought those recent text convos were perfect.
AS, I get the juxtaposition. I do. I wouldn't say today's reaction was anger or resentment, more confusion and suspicion. I am re-directing my anger with her, which is why my communication came across as cleaner and more amicable. It really boils down to trust. I dont trust her, after all the lies and the Rest. Order situation. Her niceness seems insincere, and if it is sincere, it would be because of my shattered trust.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
